I walked into church three weeks ago feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and impatient. I’m in the midst of some life changes right now and, while I trust God’s hand is in all of it, sometimes I lose sight of that.
When circumstances get too big or seem to be different than what I want, the doubts start creeping in. Thoughts of, what if this isn’t the right thing? What if I heard God wrong? What if I’ve quit my job and it was a mistake? I get scared. I’m not any different from anyone else. We all like to feel in control of every aspect of our lives, and it’s hard to let go and surrender that control.
It’s hard to say “I trust” no matter what.
Over the last year, I’ve had some fairly significant changes. I left a job that I’d been in for 10 years. As much as I don’t like to admit how much security I found in that job and my income, it’s the truth. I based a lot of my security on knowing what was going in our bank account every two weeks. I based a lot of security on insurance and 401k plans and my abilities.
So, when P and I decided that it was time to quit my job after a long series of circumstances, it was a big leap of faith. P’s business is seasonal and there is never any guaranteed income. Add to that a long, rainy summer and a back surgery and it’s enough to make me worry.
Three weeks ago, I walked into church feeling all those feelings. I grabbed a bulletin and saw that our pastor was starting a new series on destiny. Specifically, finding our God-given destiny. I wanted to cry.
The scripture passage he referenced that first week was Genesis 12:1-5, where the Lord said to Abram, “Leave your country and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” I had just studied this same passage the week before in my “Woman’s Heart” Bible study and known then that God was speaking to me. So when my pastor started teaching from that very same chapter, I felt a little like God was holding a big megaphone and saying, “HEY, YOU. YES, YOU OF LITTLE FAITH. I HAVE A PLAN.”
Abram had no idea what God had in store for him. His mind couldn’t have even conceived what God was going to do, but yet he packed up his camels and what-have-you, loaded the family up and headed out towards a strange land. What made him do it? His faith. His faith that God wasn’t going to do him wrong. His faith that God wasn’t going to lead him to a place with no provision for him and his family. His faith in God’s promises.
What if Abram had stayed? What if he had decided the whole venture was just a little too risky? What if he chose to stick with what was familiar? I don’t know the answer to all that, other than knowing that God wouldn’t have been able to use him the way he did. Sure, God has a destiny for all of us, a plan that He has known since before we took a breath, but He never forces us to do anything. We take our own steps, whether they are towards His will or away from it.
The thing that’s scary is, sometimes the steps towards His will are the hardest of all because they require us to leave the familiar. Wasn’t it Loretta Lynn who said, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”? And yes, I just quoted Loretta Lynn (and really, I’m fairly certain the quote didn’t originate with her) because it’s part of my charm.
It’s all about faith. “By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Hebrews 11 even goes on to say how God used Abraham even though “he was as good as dead”. I’m not great, but I’m certainly doing better than that.
Anyway, that’s how I feel right now. I’m not sure where I am going. I know God has a plan. I’ve seen large pieces of that plan start to come together, but not as quickly as I’d like. It’s not on my timetable and I start to feel scared. I start to doubt. It starts to seem too good to be true.
That Sunday, my pastor said, “Faith recognizes that the voice of destiny is really the voice of God”. Then he asked us, “Do we believe that? Do we believe he cares enough?” And, at that moment, I realized the deeper question stirring inside of me was, do I believe God sees the value in me? The Sunday School answer is yes, but the reality is deeper than that.
Over the last few months as I’ve seen incredible things happen in my life and watched God put amazing pieces of the puzzle together, the question that has been gnawing away at the very heart of me is, who am I to deserve any of this? I am so flawed and so weak. Some days my faith wouldn’t even rate as average. I relate all to well to the man who asked Jesus to heal his son in Mark 9:23-24. Jesus told him everything is possible for him who believes and the father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
It makes me laugh because I relate to it all too well. How many times have I done the same thing, professed how much I believe and then prayed to overcome all my doubts in the same breath? Too many to count. Seriously. I am a weak vessel.
But, so was Abraham. And so was Moses. And so was King David. They all had moments of doubt, moments where they took matters into their own hands and tried their best to screw everything up. Yet, God had amazing plans for them. He used them in spite of their human limitations. Only God can do that. Only He can take the weak things of this world and use them for His plans and purposes.
He is the architect and the builder. My job is to take the step of faith, away from what I know and away from the security I cling to, towards what He is building with my life. He never promised it would be easy and He certainly never promised it would be on my timetable, He just promised that with Him all things are possible and He’ll be with me always.
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10