We had Back to School night last night and I ended up leaving totally stressed out. Stressed out about third grade. And rumors that it will require making a model of the Solar System. I am from a generation that was led to believe that Pluto was a planet. In fact I’m still not sure that it’s not. Who decides what constitutes a planet and why do they get to just revoke that status all willy-nilly? Because they have “Doctor” in front of their name? I once watched a doctor dump an entire side salad from Olive Garden into his lasagna and eat it all mixed together in a large bowl. Doctors don’t know everything.
And how am I supposed to help Caroline memorize the order of the planets if I don’t use “My Very Excellent Mother Just Ordered Us Nine Pizzas”? It doesn’t make any sense if you leave off the pizzas. The whole thing makes my head hurt. I can already tell I’m going to lose sleep over how to make the rings on Saturn really POP.
We also heard more about the STARR test which is the new standardized test for Texas schools this year. Apparently it’s supposed to be more difficult than the TAAS or the TAKS or the entrance exam for admission to Harvard. Caroline’s teacher showed us a sample question and it contained the words “quadratic equation”. I almost blacked out from the horrific flashbacks to Algebra and was prepared to just take Caroline out of school right now and teach her a useful trade before her teacher clarified this was a question from the version of the test taken by seniors in high school.
Clearly we’re going to have to get her a tutor at some point. A tutor with math skills not limited to balancing a checkbook. A tutor who doesn’t have to measure out 3/4 of a cup of flour twice when doubling a recipe because she can’t remember how to add fractions. Not that I know anyone who has to do that. It’s purely hypothetical.
In other developments that have little to nothing to do with my child’s education, P got out of bed late last night because sometimes when a person eats half a bag of M&Ms they get acid reflux. (Now there is some free science for you.) While he was popping Tums and taking Zantac, he looked out the back window and discovered a very large possum dining on our dogs’ food. This serves as confirmation that I have no business ever going in our backyard after midnight. Nothing good can come of it. Unless you believe a possum-induced heart attack is a positive thing.
It seems like there should be more to the possum story doesn’t it? There’s not. Sorry. It’s just something I wanted to share. So that someday I can look back and wonder when it was that a possum was eating our dogs’ food and know that it was September 6, 2011. Precious memories.
Finally, as if this isn’t all exciting enough, I’m getting my hair cut later today. I realize this may not mean much to, well, all of you, but I haven’t had it cut since April. It’s shameful. I’m a cross between Morticia Addams and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
I really didn’t mean to go this long between haircuts but the summer just flew by and I spent the majority of it with my hair piled under a baseball cap at the pool or bobby-pinned back in some sort of haphazard bun configuration. So now my bangs have completely grown out and I have to make the agonizing decision that rules my life; Bangs or no bangs? Side swept long bangs? Straight across bangs?
It’s almost as important as whether or not Pluto is a planet.
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I think your mnemonic is wrong since there is no planet starting with “O”. I’m of the Saved by the Bell school of learning: “mvemjsnup!” (you gotta say it in your head with a Screech voice. And one finger pointed in the air.)
just a typo…served not ordered. (served for saturn)
But most importantly, TEXAS A&M WAS VOTED INTO THE SEC!!! WELCOME TO THE FAMILY SISTER! I did a happy clap for you as I sit awake at 12:54 am because I’m editing the DVD that is required for Mary Emma to be eligible for student council 5th grade representative. 1) How on earth am I raising a child that is the teensiest bit interested in politics, 2) DVD? What happened to the posters hung in the school and the homemade fliers with bubble gum stuck to them as bribery for votes? 3) It’s 1am. She better win.
Tread lightly at the salon. My last haircut was in April too, and I went again last week. I now have side swept bangs that are not working and an extra layer that does not blend!
Beware the possums eating dog food! I once opened up the bin holding dog food in our garage to find a possum reared back hissing at me with his huge, sharp teeth bared. I am not a screamer – but I screamed. And slammed the lid shut. My husband came running, grabbed a shovel and told me to open the bin so the possum could get out and he’d kill it. Right. I opened the bin (stupid me) and our Border Collie, Crayola Box, snapped that possum right up, shook it and broke its neck. The only thing my husband needed the shovel for was to bury the dead possum.
This was hilarious!! Thanks for a good laugh this morning.
You have a dog named Crayola Box. And he kills possums. WIN.
A friend of mine recently went to put some rubbish in her bin outside and when she lifted the lid a possum was inside. ewwwwww. I wouldn’t be going outside after midnight either. They give me the heebie jeebies.
I thought I was the only person who has to measure out 3/4 of a cup of flour twice when doubling a recipe because I can’t remember how to add fractions. And don’t get me started on 1/3s. Thank you for making me feel better about myself;-)
I feel soooo much better, too!
Ordered us NUGGETS !!!!!
My boys are both taking Algebra 1 right now and my daughter Algebra 2. EKKK! It’s going to be a long year!
My very excellent mother just “served” us nine pizzas.
Oh yes Saturn. My favorite planet. It will seriously distress me if they throw Pluto out.
It could become “My very excellent mother just smacked ugly ninjas!” Maybe.
Side-swept long bangs!
Agreed! Just say, “NOOOOOO!” to the straight across bangs! Even people who look good in those bangs would look better without them!!
Melanie, you’ve just described me in the kitchen with:
“A tutor who doesn’t have to measure out 3/4 of a cup of flour twice when doubling a recipe because she can’t remember how to add fractions.”
So so funny. And sad, but true, huh? How did I take college calculus and yet can’t add fractions at the kitchen counter???
I blame turning 40.
40 is my new scapegoat for almost everything.
For the record, I’m not going outside at midnight either, but because I’ve been watching a show (new to me) on dvd the last couple weeks: Criminal Minds. I now want to go back to school to become a FBI profiler, and yet I’m also suddenly afraid to go check the mailbox or take out the trash after dark. (I wonder how many FBI profilers work safely from their living room sofa in their pajamas?)
Listen, we’ll get to Pluto in a minute. We’ve got way more important issues with the haircut. So here’s my advice. I’m just throwing it out there as if it were a gift card to Target.
Okay. So it’s been a while. You may have a tendency to have your hairdresser cut, cut, cut. But go easy. Tell her to start with side swiped bangs and understand that you may need to go shorter but baby steps. I don’t know how layered your hair is but layer it up, Sister. And maybe even have her start blow drying and possibly even styling to decide if you wanna go shorter. It’s your right. Don’t be afraid to ask for a little more off here or there after the blow dry. I’m thinking you’ll be more comfortable with side swiped bangs but I don’t know everything.
Pluto is a planet. Dang it. They can’t just change this kind of stuff up. I can’t think about 3rd grade right now. Because I’m doing the school system all over for the 3rd time. After finishing! When you have a kid in college AND in Kindergarten, things are just crazy. I know what’ll make you feel better about 3rd grade, though. Go to my facebook page, scroll just a bit to Sophie’s picture. No, that’s not Cyclops. It’s my girl. Try not to laugh. You can’t. You just can’t. {There’s another eye there. I promise. Very small but hidden behind her yarn hair.} Also, clear you mind of hair thoughts when you see it. It might trip you up a bit.
Ewww….possums! Once looked out in the carport and the possum was eating the cats food. The cat was laying on the car watching and making a whining noise. Chicken! Also, the possum was quite large, meaning he had probably been chowing down for quite a long time.
The hair, no suggestions, getting mine cut today too and really dreading it. I think I would rather go to the dentist…really!
Planets shanets…sometimes I wonder if it won’t land you a job or help you pay your bills why do we care? well, not really….but it does feel like a big pain in the arse at times..especially when 3rd grade homework makes my own brain CRAMP!
ans sista…i hear ya! I wore the perma bun,a.k.a. “rat’s nest” all summer and at this moment i have enough oil in my hair to be a very rich, southern lady!!
llj
Bangs? No bangs? The story of my life.
Man, I need to check into one of those tutors! I cook for Wednesday Night Fellowship dinner at church, I’m in there counting out 3/4 sixteen times!
Get my hair cut and colored every 5 weeks – wish I could afford to go every 4. So, don’t ask me about hair, I am not afraid to go radical!
Welcome to the SEC!
When did I miss the announcement that Pluto is not a planet?! That totally messes me up. And you should also not feel the slightest bit shameful about measuring 3/4 cup twice. I am also handicapped when it comes to fractions, and algebra, and adding without using my fingers to count.
I need to get my hair trimmed too. Thanks for the reminder. I’m a little gun shy right now though (scissors shy?). The last time I went in, the girl hacked off a good 2 or 3 inches more than I asked her to.
I’m with you on the Pluto thing…also, my 7 year old son had homework last week that said “Name the 4 oceans.” What?!? I said to my husband ” Aren’t there 5 oceans?” Do you think our parents went through the same thing, like, what did they learn that was left out in our generation…did there used to be 9 continents…was there once a real lizard king…what did we miss out on?
Sorry, just sayin’.
You know, if you call animal control, they will bring a cage to catch possums. Then you put an open can of cat food in the cage and wait approximately .9 seconds, and a possum will be in the cage. Call animal control and they will come get it (and probably set it free in your neighbor’s yard). Repeat every single night for a week, then finally give up and realize there are too many possums in Schertz Texas for you to catch, and they all live in your yard. I don’t know why they keep hanging around – I don’t even have any pets whose food they can steal.
I have a model of the solar system in a box in my linen closet you could use. These are the kind of gifts your child gets at age 5 when your brother-in-law is an astrophysicist (yes, he has Dr in his name). And I think Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, whatever that means. To her credit, my 8 yr old is interested in space and asked for/got a telescope for Christmas last year. And it is a REAL telescope, the aforementioned Dr’s telescope he used in high school. It sits in-between our dining room and living room in an area which I now call the observatory.
As for the hair, I am no help. I have SHORT hair and get it cut every 5 weeks.
I hear ya, sister! I’m stressed out about 1st grade. Already writing sentences, spelling tests, studying Egypt & have to make mummies…We walked out last night & J said “Well, it isn’t like when we were in first grade is it?” Duh! I’ve been trying to tell you that!
Your hair always looks great! xoxo
there is a really neat kit at Wal-Mart with all the planets. The fifth grade uses them here. Good luck with the haircut. just went back to my permed hair and I love it.
Mary’s Violet Eyes Make John Sit Up Nights – Period!
Would even make sense without saying “period”!
Possums? Shoot girl…we have RACCOONS!!! They have even come up on our front porch for the cat’s food. **shudder**
Ha, we have bears—-no possums or raccoons though.
I forgot my hair appt last night. I know. I am going to be fired. I cannot find a new person. I will go with Starbuck’s gift card in hand to beg forgiveness. In my defense I did send a message yesterday asking when I was supposed to be there because it was not on my calendar. I am now in hair h*ll till I get a new appt. It’s not pretty. And my eyes are red from allergies. I am a vision.
Fourth grade math about did me in last year. I kept telling my son I didn’t know what he did because he didn’t “show his work.” That was the thing back when I did math. You had to “show your work.” My son informed that people don’t “show their work” anymore when they’re doing “mental math.” Mental math?! I can’t even do it with a pencil!
Don’t even get me started on Pluto. That was just rude.
They have solar system kits at the craft/hobby stores up here! It’s a start. I hate school projects. Our life is busy enough without them. I vote they work on their projects at school!
I can’t count how many times I have gone on to google, and typed in the child’s homework. It is amazing what you can find on the internet. Luckily there are sites that show how to do said homework.
I just realized this morning that I haven’t had my hair cut since April too.
It’s been a sort of weaning process for me. I’m trying hard NOT to cut it all off, again!
I’ve endured the ugly grow-out season and am now in need of a little clean up snippin!
Goodluck, I would say NO to bangs this time around. I love having mine long again. You’ll rock it whichever you choose!
I giggled out loud when I read that you measure out 3/4 cup of flour TWICE when you double a recipe!! Because I DO THE VERY SAME THING. (sorry for yelling. Just a little excited.) I just figure my brain is too concentrated on the doubling to have to figure out fractions. What’s the problem with just doing the 3/4 thing twice?
Oh, and have I got a SOLUTION for your solar system. Just last night my daughter had to color her styrofoam balls for her solar system… We googled it, and learned that you cannot spray paint those things, and nothing else really adds a nice color. And, please. If you are going to do a project, you might as well do it perfectly, right? I seem to remember some Barbie parade floats in your past along those same lines…right? Anyway–HERE is how you color those styrofoam balls beautifully: (insert Martha Stewart voice here) Into a ziploc bag, squeeze 1 TBS Elmer’s school glue, along with a couple of drops of food coloring. Mix it up–unless you want it swirly orangy/red for Saturn–and pop the styrofoam ball in. Once it is completely coated, take a plastic knife and stab it. Then, put the other end of the knife into a slit you’ve cut into the lid of a shoebox. Let the balls dry overnight. They were PERFECT this morning!!!
I also learned the hard way you can’t spray paint those styrofoam balls. Who knew they would melt? And why?
When I lived at home we would have a possum come up from time to time and eat the dog food. They are nasty looking things!
I am so happy to hear there is someone else in this world who fails to get their hair cut every 4 to 6 weeks. I am so bad about waiting until I absolutely HAVE to go to get it cut. I am also in turmoil over whether I should get bangs or not. I was with a friend this weekend who I haven’t seen in awhile and she has bangs and they looked great. I was so jealous.
We learned Man Very Early Made Jars Stand Up Neatly Period. Just leave the period out. But really Pluto is a planet – if we learned it in school, it must be so. Couldn’t you add Pluto as extra credit?
All this pluto talk will definitely having me coming back by here tomorrow for more!!!!
I love it, you can talk about the planets and still keep me laughing 
Pluto not a planet? Will that even catch on?
Possums! Eke! We had one living in our dryer vent once and they are creepy!
I ran into my hairdresser last Friday night and her hair was so cute and mine was tangled mangy mess – why did that need to happen? Guess I better make that appt too.
I maintain they revoked Pluto’s status because they ran out of things to require new textbooks. “Um. Let’s say Pluto’s not REALLY a planet! Then we can sell new textbooks AND redo all of the solar models!”
Third grade is no joke. Ella brought home a math glossary, and let me just say I have tucked that away for future reference BECAUSE I WILL NEED IT.
I learned the planets with “Mary’s Violet Eyes Made John Sit Up Nights Pondering.” It would probably work if you just omitted “pondering,” though it would open a whole can of worms of what he was DOING while he was sitting up nights…
Will stay tuned to see how it all pans out!
You could always change it to “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos” It is how my daughter learned it
Don’t get me started on the state testing
Nachos = Brilliant. Surely Melanie can get on board with a mnemonic devoted to melted cheese.
I thought I was the only person who had to hypothetically measure out a 3/4 cup twice!
You can balance a checkbook-I think that’s impressive!
And 3/4 is hard. In theory.
Oh, yeah, I have a panic attack every back to school night.
This year I almost started crying in on of my sons 7th grade classes. It was math.
3/4 is hard.
You DO NOT want to be that mom.
Where did the ‘O’ in “ORDERED” come from? Is that a planet I never knew about? Or did Saturn turn in to Oturn? HA!
Well, mother could just as easily order nachos and leave it at that. As for math, the biggest kept secret is Kumon. If you want Caroline to exceed at math with minimal fuss all the way to college algebra, run down to Kumon asap. You won’t be sorry.
Bangs seem to be the biggest daily question on http://pinterest.com/
P.S. Possums are scary. They have lots of teeth. I may or may not have been known to be caught hanging from the chicken coop door when one was discovered sleeping in the hen house. Of which I am reminded of twenty years later.
1. You’re not the only one who has to measure 3/4 cup of flour twice.
2. I’ve been reading your blog for, well, ages, and I didn’t know you had a dog. Sweet.
I’m not going to give you advice on your hair because probably by the time you read it, you will have already cut it. And if I give you advice against what you actually decided to do – well, how embarrassing that would be! I’m sure you’ll end up looking darling.
As for Pluto – I agree. Our family has had several conversations on the to-be or not-to-be planet. I say it is. Mainly because that’s what I was taught and I don’t want to re-train my brain. Plus, I feel sorry for the little planet.
I think I saw a solar system kit in either Michael’s or Hobby Lobby. Good luck!
I have to ask…do you laugh as you put together your posts? Because I crack up laughing reading them. I thought I was the only “fraction impaired” person. Glad to be in such good company!
What – Pluto’s not a planet? When did they start teaching this?
More importantly, where was I?
I am from your generation, and I maintain that there’s really only one expert on planets — Interplanet Janet, of course. There’s never been a planet Janet hasn’t seen….
Your blog makes me laugh everytime I read it. My son asked for a jacket on our way to preschool today and I couldn’t help but think “bless his little deep fried southern heart”. Thank you for the laughs. I started out an Aggie, but ended up a Longhorn, still love the Aggies as long as they are not playing Texas.
“My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos”
and if you choose to have Pluto…
“My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos Poolside”!
I have my students say “my very educated mother just served us noodles”
Saturn is missing from your original list
How about “My very educated mother just served us noodles!!!”?
Two things:
1. I’d like to know just when you’ll write a witty, funny novel. I’ve been waiting for it for two years.
2. Go with the bangs. It’s all the rage nowadays. Unless you want to get the clip in kind, which might make you look like a Kardashian or Sandra Bullock at some awards ceremony last year. My advice would be No.
3. I know I only said two things, but I can’t stop thinking about how my decision to homeschool was a poor one. Reading about Caroline’s 3rd grade math curriculum kind of scared me. Are kids that age supposed to know that much? Is it healthy? Is it even legal?
Post a picture of your haircut, please.
“My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Ninfaritas…?”
Wow! Can’t decide if it is the opossum, the planets, or your hair that has generated so many comments today!
I feel it is my duty to let you know that opossum’s are carriers for leptospirosis — make sure you have your dog vaccinated for lepto!!
Oh, the agony of bangs or no bangs! I had a stylist who would refuse to cut bangs for me unless I came back in specifically for that purpose because I so often went back within a week to get her to “do something with them” because they weren’t working for me. If she heard me say “I think I want some bangs this time”, she would just shake her head and say “not today”. I had to “definitely, really” want them. I love the look, but I get really annoyed with them, and they are the exact right length for about 1 day.
Never fails…… no matter the day, I can come click on Big M. and feel my, end of the longest day in the free world( emphasis on free.. Praise the Lord !!:) furrowed brow frown , turn upside down, as the song says. Thanks melanie …. again !! Still smiling……… yep , still.
I stopped in after being absent for a while and you have made me laugh. I miss your blog. Thanks for the laugh. After being a 3rd grade teacher for many years, I can promise you and Caroline will both survive 3rd grade.
I am a 2nd grade teacher and teach my students:
My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos!
Welcome to the SEC!
A Kentucky Wildcat Mom
Hey, every one knows that Third Grade is a stressful year. They give you a couple of lighter ones to prepare for the next Stressful Year, which is 7th. I’ve always heard “third grade is a transition year” which to me means its the year I transition from no nerve pills to nerve pills. And, for the possum story, we got a possum in our garage eating the cat food once. My dad was all mad and went out there with a hoe in his hand ( this was back in the days when a coke was a coke and a hoe was, a hoe) planning to run off the possum. He came back in the house and swapped the hoe for a shotgun, saying, “that *#(% thing HISSED at me!”
I’m still trying to figure out the E in the planets! Why can’t I remember? We never learned them with a “slogan” but then again I am 58.
For those that didn’t hear that one news release that Pluto is no longer a planet – it happened 3-4 years ago. But in my mind it still is, so there.
I have no trouble, however, remembering how to double a recipe. Go figure!
The thing with bangs is that in about a week you are constantly pushing them over because they are too long. I have bangs but they are short. Is there anything more irritating that watching someone on tv with their bangs in their eyes? No I think not! And to prove it I watched an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” a couple of days ago and the gal had short enough bangs that they fell in her face every time she moved and she constantly fussed with them. I was so glad when she was finally done shopping!! I wanted to just get a clippie for her. I have a thing about hair falling in my face – it’s not allowed.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
My mom and I were watching that same episode! My mom is so annoyed with hair in the eyes she could not stand watching and had to leave the room until it was over! Too funny!
I believe I’ve seen the foam balls for the solar system in the tiny craft section they have at Dollar Street. You might want to check it out now if y’all have Dollar Tree in you area.
I haven’t had my hair cut since June and it is driving me crazy. Thinking I will be going soon.
I never heard the My Excellent Mother….how did I survive?!? But I do remember trying to spray paint the foam balls when I made a solar panel model. Big mistake! The paint melted the balls so my planets looked like they had huge craters. I think Pluto got completely consumed by the spray paint.
My son is 2nd grade and I had no idea what all they would get into….the quadratic equation in 3rd grade wasn’t sounding too far fetched! He’s already had a science test, a spelling test today and a history test tomorrow. I’m thinking I’m going to have to buy the kid some notecards so he can study on the bus.
We have entered the land of 8th Grade Algebra. During the time of summer bliss, I thought, “I’m an accountant. I use algebraic equation solving all of the time. Bring it on.” Silly, silly me. It appears that 8th Grade Algebra is now Calculus. Or that’s the theory that I choose to subscribe to.
What is so very funny about the whole planet thing (I have read backwards about three posts) is that after you typed out the mnemonic device (which, is there a nuttier word for describing something that is supposed to help you remember stuff?!) you referred to Saturn’s Os, having replaced the “S” with “Ordered”. Made me laugh more. You are so funny. I do that stuff all the time. We do homeschool, and I was going over multiplication tables with my daughter (probably 8 at the time) and I was certain that 8 x 7 was 53. She told me 56. I was like,”I’m not too sure about that…” if you can imagine my voice, that mom-voice when you say “I’m not too sure” and you mean,”You’re wrong.” That was a delightful moment, the one where I realized that I was in fact incorrect.
What can we do but laugh at ourselves? And share stories on the internet. There’s always that. 