Ever since I heard that Sherman Helmsley died yesterday I’ve wanted to make the obvious “Well, he moved on up” joke on Twitter and refrained because I felt like it might be immature and insensitive. But apparently I am both because I just wrote it. Or maybe it’s just that I have a deep, lasting love for sitcoms of the 70s. Given the fact I can still remember my favorite episodes of The Jeffersons I’m choosing to go with this theory.
(Remember the one when Tom and Helen shared with George and Weeze what they learned in marriage counseling and they all ended up hitting each other with those inflatable bat things?)
(More importantly, can you tell me why a second grader thought that was so funny?)
So Caroline and P left to go fishing on Sunday afternoon. Which left me with a lot of free time. And even though I had the beginnings of a cold, I couldn’t squander this time so I planned a little girls’ night at the house.
The only problem was that I was running low in the snack department for anyone who doesn’t consider a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios to be an appetizer. And since I wasn’t going to make a huge grocery store trip, I decided to run up to Central Market instead of our normal HEB. For those of you who may not know all the machinations of various Texas grocery stores, HEB is just a regular store with your garden variety of crackers and cereals while Central Market is their upscale cousin where you can buy assorted olives and honey made by bees that live in a hive in the produce department.
That’s not really true about the bees. But I bet it’s only because they haven’t thought of it yet.
I generally don’t allow myself too many trips to Central Market because I tend to get carried away. All of a sudden I think I need to buy Dietzenganger’s Frankfurters instead of Oscar Meyer Weiners or Santa Barbara Pistachios when I didn’t even realize that Santa Barbara was known for its pistachio. And then I walk out of the store significantly poorer than I was when I walked in with only a bag full of organic peaches and freshly made ricotta cheese to comfort me.
This trip was no exception. I stumbled right into cheese-tasting day. And I was hungry which didn’t help matters. The next thing I knew I had three blocks of cheese with names I can’t even pronounce in my cart along with a bag of prosciutto that was allegedly flown in from Italy that very morning and contained no MSG even though I didn’t realize there was an MSG issue with prosciutto. I also got suckered in by the crackers that they served it on. It was the most delicious combination I’d ever tasted.
Then I journeyed over to the bakery section which always proves to be my kryptonite because FRESH BAKED COOKIES! FRENCH BREAD! CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS! but was mercifully distracted when a woman turned from where she was trying to decide between the Pain Meunier or a Couronne Bordelaise and yelled at her children, “WOLFGANG! LILLITH! ELI!”
I thought maybe I heard wrong. But I guess Wolfgang wasn’t paying attention because she yelled again, “WOLFGANG! LILLITH! ELI!” and the kids went scurrying over to her decked out head to toe in their organic cotton ensembles. And that’s when I came back to reality and remembered I’m not really cool enough to buy Couronne Bordelaise at Central Market. Largely because I have no idea what that even is. And also because I have a child named Caroline and we like Kraft cheese and think the Pepperidge Farm Milanos are a fancy cookie.
But I still wanted my cheeses. So I took them up to the cashier and walked out of there with $40 worth of cheese I didn’t even know I wanted along with some crackers that would make a Triscuit cry.
(By the way, if P is reading this I just want him to know that I didn’t really spend $40 on cheese. That would be absurd. It was only $15.)
So Sunday night was fun. I’m sure it was at least partly due to the cheese plate even though I realized part of what made the cheese and prosciutto so tasty was the nice woman in Central Market who sliced it all up and served it to me. And she was nowhere to be found in my kitchen.
There was also a low point when I referred to the Siri feature on my phone as Suri. Which is a sure sign I’ve devoted way too much time and attention to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And I didn’t even watch The Bachelorette until Monday morning. It brought me much joy that Emily chose Jef because I think they could actually make it for the long term whereas I felt like she and Arie would burn out fast. European race car drivers are good husbands in theory but maybe not in reality. Actually, I’m not sure that they’re even good husband material in theory along with megastars who made gazillions starring as cocky fighter pilots named Maverick.
In addition to the fact she chose Jef, I was also encouraged to see that Emily made an attempt to bring back the denim shirt tied at the waist. This is a trend I have missed terribly since it’s demise in the mid-90s and between that and the fact that ABC chose to play Glory of Love by Peter Cetera as the EMILY AND JEF ARE ENGAGED montage made me feel like the future is bright since at least some of us haven’t forgotten what made this country great.
It’s denim shirts and the theme song from Karate Kid II.
That’s what made this country great.
It certainly wasn’t cheese with names you can’t pronounce with a side of bread that insists on being called “pain”.
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012
You are a hoot. Sounds like you made great use of your “me” time.
Lol! So many things about this post made me laugh. When I lived in Dallas…the same thing always happened to me every time I walked into central market! They definitely know what they are doing with product placement in that store. I got suckered in by the cheese, bakery, and prepared foods department. Oh and the dinner to go bags! Have you discovered those? You will never want to cook again well at least I didn’t!
That whole post cracked me up. I hope Wolfgang, Lilith, and Eli’s mom isn’t a reader, though…I think there can’t be that many families with that name combination floating around. (I’m a pediatrician so I thought I’d seen every possible crazy name–but I honestly don’t think we’ve had a Wolfgang yet! Although I have seen an Amadeus.)
I used to go by Central Market sometimes when we lived in Dallas and let me tell you – if you have not tried the prosciutto baguette with cracked black pepper, it is worth hearing moms call for Wolfgang and Lillith. It’s even worth driving four year old Kia in a sea of hybrid cars and using plastic bags.
Your Central Market sounds just like our Fresh Market (unless you changed the name to protect the innocent?) Anyway, it is fortunately on the other side of town from me because whenever I have been there, I walk out with the most un-practical frou-frou items that won’t help me put dinner on the table. Thanks for the laughs!
Ok, that was all really fun and funny. But I laughed out loud at the end. Thanks for the good start to my day!
The note to your husband made me laugh. Cheese plate + girls night = perfection
Thanks for the morning laugh. I love yoru ability to take a trip to the grocery store and turn it into a hilarious adventure.
Maybe The Bachelor knows their audience well… i felt nothing could stop them when “Glory of Love” came on! hahaha.
I’m the same way with the fancy grocery stores! I always spend too much on things I would never buy at my normal grocery store.
Also, rumor has it that denim is back. Even 1990s me is a little sad.
Awesome post!! “$15″ for cheese is a little steep, but it sounds like it was pretty darn good!
I read somewhere that Jef has a net worth of $3 million (which is 2,999,899.99 more than my net worth, but whatever) and that’s why she chose him. I couldn’t get over the hair. He looks like a 12 year old Duckie from Pretty in Pink.
You floor me! We pay for experience, right? And that’s exactly what you get at Central Market…I kinda have a love/hate with it because I, too always walk out spending more than I bargained for.
I call Siri Suri too. Much to my husband’s chagrin.
I heart fancy (over priced) cheese! Love the play by play @ the store.
Emily & Jef (the one ‘f’ is still a peeve but whatever) looked SO cute and happy together. Arie did impress me with his humility, class and dignity. Bachelor Pad, however, is the complete opposite of ALL those characteristics. They class up Bachelorette and make up for in BP.
And the Peter Cetera song ~ all I could muster was “Oh no they did not!” But it worked. It all worked. I may have, for a moment, thought the whole Bachelor franchise may not be Satan’s henchmen, as I have come to believe but that was until I turned on Bachelor Pad…
Love your shout-out to “P” and I laugh out loud every time you mention one of your “$15″ purchases! HA!
I have to go to town today (an hour away) and was seriously just standing in the kitchen, trying to decide whether or not to put the cooler in my car trunk in case I decide to pick up a few things at Whole Foods, which sounds like the southern version of your Central Market. Now you have me second-guessing myself.
And finally, my husband and I were both big fans of The Jeffersons. You’ll be happy to know that I read of George’s death here, first, on your blog. We live in a small town named Louisa, and ever since we moved here 20 years ago, we have called it “Weeze” in honor of Louise Jefferson.
This post was you at your finest. So many funny lines that I am not going to list them all. Keep writing and never stop. My morning needs you more than it should.
Amen and amen! A classic post. SO funny!!
Completely agree about the Glory of Love song choice. I burst into song right along with Peter Cetera during the montage, and when my husband looked at my quizzically, I said “What? It’s the theme song from Karate Kid II?” Right there with ya. ABC can do no wrong on the soundtrack tip, it reminded me of when they played “On the Wings of Love” for dumb Jake b/c he was/is a pilot.
Hilarious, as usual:)
So Funny. I only go to Central Market around the holidays, usually. Trader Joe’s is opening on October 21st, now thats a store and its not expensive. My husband travels a lot so whenever he is where a Trader’s Joe’s is he brings back a suitcase full of stuff.
You make me laugh every single day!
Whole Foods just opened close to me…I swear some people had never been to a “nicer than usual” or “wow this place is expensive” grocery store and waited in line to get in. In 100+ degree heat. Clearly they need to find something to do with their time. I avoid all grocery stores as much as possible. Small one close to my house is my favorite, it’s fast, great parking and they take your groceries to your car and put them in. It’s all good!
I’m moving in a week or so and will be close to a Central Market. I can only see bad things happening to my budget… because while I don’t have a WLE combination, I have a foodie son who occasionally dabbles in vegetarianism and a girl who loves all things fancy. They think prosciutto and provolone wrapped around an apple slice served on a water cracker is God’s gift to appetizers. *shrug* Personally, I like TGI Friday’s potato skins!
This had me in hysterics! Every single thing you wrote I could relate to.
Your writing just keeps on getting better and better. Hysterical post. I am sitting here at work laughing out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um, insert Whole Foods in the name there and you are describing our experience on Saturday here in Dallas.
We too have cheeses, croissants, and some kind of rockin sausage in our fridge. Don’t know when we will eat it because this week we’ve been out for mexican and pizza. We’d better stay home.
Girl, you crack me up ! I can so relate because 4 years ago I lived dangerously close
to the San Antonio Central Market. I miss it so much……
I was wearing white cotton shirts tied around my waist back in the 1970s — this fashion has been around a long time. My favorite? I had a Denim coat — you heard me right — a coat. I’d take it to the cleaners to have them wash and STARCH it so it could stand up on it’s own. LOVED that coat! Any chance denim coats will make a comeback?
Big Mama, you keep me laughing! Just wanted to say that I really like your stories. I bet someone’s gonna run with that bee hive idea, but we’ll know it was yours first. : )
Thoroughly enjoyed this post. You had me laughing out loud so many times even while reading about Sherman’s death. “Well, he moved on up” was HILARIOUS! I loved the Jefferson’s. “George” was one of a kind.
I am a cheese fanatic so I probably would have come out of the fancy store with $40 worth of fancy cheeses.
I live in CO, and let’s just say we have a few “tree-huggers” here, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just not one. I am however diabetic and found myself at our local health food store Monday in line behind mother tree-hugger, with her son Samuel, with hair longer than mine and listened while she explained to him…in detail…how the body uses food to produce sugar…blah, blah blah. She was so engrossed in her own voice she forgot her free-range turkey. It must be such a burden to be so “in-tune”!
I first read the post title as “The Path to Fancy Cheese is Paved with Good Pimentos.” Perhaps I should pick up some Price’s the next time I shop.
The interesting names cracked me up! While sitting in the waiting room of our family doctor, a lady came in with her two children. I was holding my daughter and the little girl came over and started talking to me. She asked what my daughters name is and I told her Ansley. The mother heard this and said, “what did you do, just throw some letters together until it sounded right?” I bit my tongue as hard as I could and let it go. Then, they called the mother’s name and I kid you not she said, “come on Magic and Merlin.” Seriously!? I like my “thrown together” name just fine!
I LOVE Central Market. It’s a must when I visit my sister in Dallas. Although it’s not as much fun now that I’ve cut out gluten and dairy….but hey, goat cheese and gluten-free beer!
You make my day and start it off with a chuckle. I love how you write, and say exactly what I’m thinking…we must be about the same age. You’re a Hoot! (And I’m not over 60 just because I just wrote the word “Hoot” )