I wish I could start this out by saying that I feel tons better and all I needed was a good night’s sleep. But that would be a lie.
And even though I was in bed at an hour when chickens are still awake, it’s hard to sleep well when you’ve lost the ability to breathe through your nose. It’s also unattractive, just in case you’re wondering.
Before someone says that I always seem sick, I just want to clarify that this is my first real illness since last October. I mean, sure, since that time I’ve been sick in other ways like sick of going to the grocery store and sick of cooking dinner, but I haven’t been officially diagnosed with those things.
Anyway, I remember that it was last October because it coincided with my visit to Tyndale (my book publisher) and, needless to say, I think they felt pretty good about choosing me to write a book after they heard my smoker’s cough and saw the glassy look in my eyes. Those are the kind of attributes that inspire confidence.
Normally, I would wait this kind of thing out, but since I’m leaving for dotMom on Thursday morning and they are expecting me to have a voice that works, I decided I needed to go ahead and go to the doctor. So that’s what I did. He diagnosed me with bronchitis and gave me an antibiotic and, most importantly, prescription cough medicine. Otherwise known as liquid heaven. I hope he didn’t judge me because I knew to ask for the kind I wanted by name. This ain’t my first bronchitis rodeo.
Needless to say, there isn’t much going on around here.
Yesterday morning Caroline decided she had a case of the Mondays and made a desperate attempt to stay home from school, citing vague symptoms like “I kind of have a stomachache” and “maybe my throat hurts”. There was a time when she was younger that I could immediately tell if she was faking an illness because I’d ask her to list her symptoms. And then once she’d rattled them off, I’d give her a sympathetic look and say, “Poor baby. Does your elbow hurt too?”
I knew if she said that her elbow hurt too that she was just trying to conjure up ill health and felt like the more symptoms the better. But she’s on to me now and that doesn’t work anymore. P had left the house already for an early morning appointment so I had to put on my best tough love face and tell her she was absolutely going to school. To which she replied, “What kind of a person makes a nine-year-old who doesn’t feel good go to school?”
Yes. What kind of person does that?
I’m a monster.
But after texting her teacher to inform her of Caroline’s possible ill health/propensity for drama, she sent me a text back informing me that Caroline had made a miraculous recovery between the walk from my car to her classroom. So while we don’t share a bronchitis diagnosis, we do share a flair for drama.
And that’s probably all for today. I’m going to go get some rest and take some cough medicine. I usually like to take advantage of the current state of my voice to turn into a cranky octogenarian smoker named Hazel. But I’ll be honest with you, things are so out of control in the world right now that I don’t really trust Hazel.
If I let her loose, she may never shut up. She may start with the frustration of carpool lines with no discernible correct way to maneuver through them and move on to the absurdity of standardized testing and how we’ve all bought a bill of goods if we believe that’s the best way to measure a child’s intelligence and, ultimately, she’d move on to the upcoming elections and then she’d never shut up.
Which is why I’m calling it a night. Or a day. Or time for cough medicine.
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Well, I too had a bad day. I was already having a bad allergy day and I had an eye doctors appointment. It had taken two months to get this appointment. I was haviing trouble trying to get a breath and they had candles burning everywhere. i nearly left. My eye vision is fine. Yeah! But at the tender age of forty-eight I need reading glasses. Then the assistant had the doctor step in. I had an eye infection on my eyelid. MY EYELID. How is that possible. Now I have an antibotic and the beginning of the endless search for reading glasses.
U know though we may never speak to each other or meet up..I live in India…U still feel like a friend
..Writing can do that to u!!
U have such a flair for words and humour and good heartedness..God bless:)
GOod luck for your book..would love to promote it in India if U are thinking that far!!!:)
Yes Hazel we sure have bought a bill of goods! Turn Hazel loose maybe she could change the world! (hope you feel better)
Oh, please give Hazel my love. That lady is a hoot. I do, however, find it somewhat disconcerting that I seem to share many worldviews with a fictional octogenarian.
Feel better soon…and glad Caroline is on the mend.
Would be interested in Hazel’s thoughts on the election, but realize that you probably won’t touch that with a 10-foot pole. Ah well…
I think we may all need a healthy dose of prescription cough syrup to get through this election season. Hope both you and Hazel feel better soon.
Maybe Hazel should start her own political blog.
Sick or not, drugged up on some good medicine or not, you still have a flair for the words! I was elated to hear the news of C’s miracle recovery.
Get some rest and feel better soon!
I wondered if Dear Hazel would pop up!
Feel better!
I’d like Hazel’s perspective on fall fashion, men in skinny jeans, politics and late night TV. Also, the Kardashians and any of The Housewives.
Hope you feel better soon.
There’s this tip on Pinterest that keeps popping up how rubbing Vics vapo rub on the bottom of feet and then putting on a pair of socks instantly stops coughing. I don’t understand the logic but would Pinterest lie? I can’t wait until Caroline is a full fledged teenager! `
The Vicks works. I use it all the time!!!
i bet i know the Rx – Tussionex. God’s give to the lung-hackers!
MonoBoy has a sore throat. He really does sound like Hazel. But I am fresh out of tolerance for absences, so I gave him Nyquil last night and sent him to school today. What kind of mother sends that kid to school? The one that is dangerously close to the edge. The edge of CRAZYVILLE. Soon to be population of 1 – me.
I am SO right there with you!!! Make that population of 2!
Hazel needs to start her own political blog for sure. (Says the woman whose husband cancelled cable because her blood pressure was getting dangerously high watching all the election coverage)
I have already warned my doctor that I am going to need Xanax in large doses if we don’t Change It Back.
I can’t sleep either if I can’t breath through my nose. The drug that has saved me: Dristan Mist. A shot of that and it’s clear sailing. Use the ‘long lasting’ kind. It’s the best.
I have been dealing with a head cold and I’m talking the kind that I woke up sneezing and didn’t stop until #9 in a row. It’s a miracle that didn’t throw my back out. Anyhow, after a week in the sinuses it went south to the chest, then back up to the bronchial tube (?) and then settled at the bottom of my neck?! I don’t even know what to say about that other than it’s a true story. Feel better soon!
You are gifted! To be knocking on death’s door and still be able to write humorously.
The prescription cough syrup is THA BOMB!!! I hope you feel better very soon.
I’m thrilled to have added to my dose of morning humor the meaning of the word octogenarian. Who knew?
Hope you feel better really soon! But in the meantime, I’d like to read an entry that you wrote while you were heavily under the influence of prescription medicine. Kind of like telling a story while intoxicated, but legally so. Those are the stories that live in infamy.
SPOILER ALERT…..
Off topic of this blogpost…can we talk about last night’s Parenthood? Ummm….hello breakdown. I couldn’t stop thinking about your friend with the toddler who has BC. Tears….next week’s episode is going to be rough.
So glad you got meds. Headed to dotmom witha few girlfriends and it just wouldn’t be the same without you. Or Hazel. Whoever decides to show up.
I knew you came to Houston occasionally, but I didn’t know you taught the hiphop world about drank!
(wiki “drank” or “purple drank”, all you sweet innocents).
i think Hazel’s partner in life, Clyde, should give us his views, a la Ted Nugent, about all things current. They would have a stand-out opinion column! You could send up a trial balloon while you’re at dotMom.
Try to get out in the sunshine this week, it’s supposed to be fall, as in less humid than 90%!
I have totally fielded the “vague symptoms”.
Get Well Hazel!
Hang in there! Whatever is going around in this part of Texas is a stinker.
Hi there!
Hope you’re feeling better!!!
I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog AWard! Here’s the link:
http://barbellsandbuttercream.com/2012/09/19/super-duper-thanks/
Best Wishes,
Andrea @ Barbells and Buttercream
I’d give my eye teeth to know the name of that cough syrup that actually works. I hope you feel better soon. I never comment…well, almost never, but I ALWAYS read your blog. You crack me up on a regular basis, as does Carolyn.