I’m the typing wounded


Y’all are a veritable wealth of information. Gulley and I were talking yesterday and said we can’t wait to go to Trader Joe’s with a list of all the things we need to try. I’m especially excited about anything that translates to easy dinner because who doesn’t want that?

I’m sitting here watching The Bachelor while I’m typing this because I believe in the importance of quality television. And I just have to comment on a couple of things:

1. Do those girls realize when Sean picks someone up in a helicopter for a date that it’s not actually his helicopter? Because they react like OH MY WORD HE HAS HIS OWN HELICOPTER! HE’S LIKE BATMAN!

Except he’s not. It’s not his helicopter.

2. Most of these girls seem to have attended some sort of special enunciation class conducted by the cast of The Hills where they learn to talk through their nose and add extra syllables to words.

“I mean, I really like Sean, like REAL-LEE like him, but you know I’m here for HIM and, UM, not to make friends with the other GIRL-ELS”.

Maybe this is an indication that I’m getting old. Or maybe I should put down the remote and read a book.

Why can’t I quit you, Bachelor?

3. What the heck, Chris Harrison, with the addition of the practical joke date? It’s like he’s just allowed the whole show to jump the shark for his own amusement.

You can’t possibly know this about me but practical jokes make me so uncomfortable. Especially when the people involved don’t even know each other and are on national television.

In non-Bachelor related news, (SPOILER ALERT) how about poor Edith on Downton Abbey? What about her jolly hair? Did he forget how jolly her hair can be? I don’t understand how he could wait until the last minute to do that.

(Do you see how I’m trying to be vague in case someone ignores my spoiler alert? Did what? I DON’T KNOW YOU’LL HAVE TO WATCH THE SHOW.)

And, finally, on a non-T.V. note (YES. I have something to say besides T.V and it’s very important. Just wait.)

I did something weird to the pointer finger on my left hand.

(Speaking of jumping the shark, I think my blog just did.)

I know you won’t sleep until you know the story so I will share it with you. And, good news, you may sleep like a baby at some point while I share.

Last Thursday I put on my Uggs. I believe I mentioned last week that I spent an entire day running errands in my Uggs and yoga pants because I’m trying to singlehandedly bring sexy back. But I neglected to mention that when I first slipped on my Uggs that morning, there was something pointy in the toe.

So I pulled off my boot and reached in to pull out the offending item. And I never saw what it was, but it really hurt my finger when I grabbed it as pointy things often do. Which is why you shouldn’t grab them willy-nilly out of the toe of your boot.

I couldn’t see any visible mark and even though it felt like a splinter or something, there wasn’t anything there that I could see. But then it woke me up in the middle of the night with that feeling that my fingertip had a heartbeat. Like on Elf.

(I wasn’t wearing a green elf suit though. I just want to clarify.)

The next morning I woke up and it seemed to hurt a lot less and so I decided it was just one those bruise things you get like if you ever prick your finger on a rose thorn like Princess Aurora did except I guess that was a spinning wheel and not a rose.

(Personally, I find Princess Aurora to be the least compelling of all the Disney princesses. She just doesn’t seem very warm. Granted, she spends most of the movie sleeping, but I think Snow White is much more likable. And she adapted to living with those dwarfs so you have to believe she wasn’t very high-maintenance.)

The point is now it’s practically Tuesday and my finger doesn’t seem any better. It still feels like maybe something is in there, but I can’t see anything. And, frankly, I’m at a loss as to what the next step should be in my finger rehabilitation.

Thank you for your concern.

I know this kind of riveting material is what keeps you coming back to read every day. I just hope my finger makes a full recovery so I can keep typing.

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  1. Amanda says

    But remember, “Vulgarity is substitute for wit.” – Lady Grantham. My favorite line from this week’s show.

  2. says

    First Boomama couldn’t sneeze, and now you have a finger with a heartbeat. Tomorrow am I going to read that Pioneer Woman’s knee cap fell off? 😉

    Seriously though, could something have stung you? I hesitate to say this because I don’t want to give you nightmares, but my mother told me that once she (or her mother, the details escape me) walked around all day with a cockroach in the toe of her shoe. She felt a tickle, but didn’t realize anything was in there.

    Ugh. Now I’m the one that’s going to have nightmares.

  3. says

    GIRLLLLLL-EL (hee, see what I did there?) you live in San Antonio, didn’t your Mama teach you to shake your boots out before putting them on? Scorpions hide in boots & shoes in the wintertime to get warm! That whole story had me skeeving out all over the place! All I can picture is a scorpion stinging you on the finger. Do me a favor…next time, shake and/or beat out your boots before sticking any appendages in. :) That sounded vaguely dirty.

  4. sheetal jain says

    First, U have a way with words and humour..so WAITING to read Sparkly Green Earings…here in INDIA :):)
    Good luck girl and I so love your writing!

  5. says

    Have fun at Trader Joes! What’s not to love? That place is wonderful! Get the Raisin Rosemary Crisps, crackers that’ll knock your socks off. Oh, and chocolate covered almonds, and pretzels. So good!

    • Marie M.C.` says

      I forgot to mention their cinnamon graham crackers. I also buy the turbinado sugar, then mix it with cinnamon to make the BEST cinnamon sugar. The raw sugar has a crunch-y taste and . . . oh dear, forget to mention the SemiFreddos (sp.?) cinnamon bread. You have to slice it yourself, (I slice mine thickly, then toast in the oven on a cookie sheet at 350 F. Melt that Kerrygold butter, lavishly paint the bread with it, then sprinkle with more cinnamon sugar. Too, too divine. Your thighs will thank you.

  6. jenny f says

    I once left my shoes in our screened patio and had trouble shoving my foot into the shoe due to what was up in the top of it… Thank you God, I did not stick my hand into my shoe to pull it out. Instead I hit the shoe against the wall only to have a bull frog fall out… Be careful about sticking your hand (or foot) into your shoes without shaking them out first…
    I hope that your pointy finger will heal quickly.

  7. Lori H says

    Are you putting Neosporin (with pain meds in it) on the finger with a Band-aid? That should help and keep germs from infecting whatever spot it is. I can’t wait to see/hear what you buy at Trader Joes!!

  8. says

    Soak your vinegar in a solution of Epsom salt. It will help draw out whatever is in there. Probably a sticker since it was poking your foot. But to join in with the Texas criitter list Brown Recluse Spider crossed my mind.

  9. says

    Soak your finger in a solution of Epsom salt. It will help draw out whatever is in there. Probably a sticker since it was poking your foot. But to join in with the Texas criitter list Brown Recluse Spider crossed my mind.

  10. Emily says

    Trader Joe’s will change your dinner life!!! Two of my three kids are vegetarian and we all want to eat healthy but we have a fast food lifestyle. So, they are my best friends when it comes to cooking dinner. Just try a few things at a time. They will open things and let you try them. They once let me try a root beer! And everything in the store is high fructose corn syrup free which is a big deal to my 17 year old daughter (why did I encourage learning to read?). Next Christmas look out for the Candy Cane Jo Jo’s,they sell out in a couple weeks. I bought a whole case this year!

  11. Brenda says

    Yeah, I’m sorry to hear about your finger and all, but EDITH! Poor Edith! I want to break his good arm. Maybe we can pray that his finger will hurt like yours, except all over?

    (Can you tell that I’m way too involved in a fictional character’s life to give your finger the proper attention that it deserves? My apologies. I’ll try to get my self together…)

    • Lavonda says

      I was thinking the same thing: epsom salt.
      Sounds like a spider bite maybe? But there’s no mark?

  12. says

    For some reason this post had me actually laughing out loud at my desk this morning, or LOL’ing as the kids say these days. Speedy recovery to you and your finger! :)

  13. says

    You should check out the show Once Upon A Time. It proves you right that Aurora is just not as cool as Snow White. Really. Check it out. I thought I would hate it but it is so FUN!

  14. says

    Listen, as I was reading your email I got concerned that maybe it was a spider that got your finger. I live in Houston and I know down South :) we have lots of weird spiders. You might want to get it checked out. I have never and I mean NEVER written a post on a blog but I do read several and I especially enjoy your blog; however, for some reason I kept thinking spider when you were talking about your boot. Maybe not, but watch that finger and keep on writing. Thanks.

  15. Christina says

    I have to agree…I think I’d head to the doctor and get it checked out just in case it was some sort of icky spider. (Ewww, that makes my skin crawl just thinking about it, but I’ve found a nasty spider in my shoes before, so it’s possible). A “heartbeat” in your finger doesn’t sound promising.

    Good luck and definitely keep us posted. And maybe consider some steel-fingered gloves?

  16. Alyson says

    Epsom salt came to my mind too as it did to others here. Hopefully that will work for you.

    I just have to say I love Sleeping Beauty. That is one of my very favorite Disney movies and Aurora is my favorite princess. Girl has some awesome hair and is beautiful. Plus she had three precious fairies looking after her. Yes, I know that all sounded very strange for a grown woman to say. Oh well, I’m still a kid at heart. :)

  17. Monica says

    Agree with you on the bachelor helicopter thing. Like that’s such a shock! EVERY episode someone is in a helicopter.

  18. says

    In order to be accurately diagnose your injury, I must know what the pointy object was. In the spirit of full honesty, I probably can’t diagnose your injury. I’m just dying to know that was in your boot. Hope it’s better soon!

  19. Becki says

    You make me laugh.That’s why you are
    my favorite :)
    Heading to Trader Joe’s today for the first time!

  20. says

    You are exactly right that this kind of riveting material is what keeps me coming back to read every day. I just can’t get this kind of stuff too many other places! Thanks for the continual entertainment and insight. It’s better than reality TV. And just a sidebar here, to me there is rarely anything funny about a practical joke, even on reality TV.

  21. says

    Yes, poor Edith. Except don’t you feel like she practically bullied him into marrying her in the first place? Still, certainly he knew he couldn’t do it the night before. I had a hunch something was going to happen, but honestly, I thought he’d just die on the honeymoon.

    • Brookles says

      Yes! I thought he was going to drop dead of a heart attack. I told my husband, “something bad is going to happen, he’s going to die.” I really didn’t think he was going to bail though.
      Poor Edith, she really is the Jan Brad of the bunch.

      • Susan says

        I thought he was going to have a heart attack at the altar. I’m not really sure why I feel sorry for Edith—she has been so mean to Mary, she probably doesn’t deserve our sympathy, jolly hair or not!

  22. Vicki B says

    My new favorite Twitter https://twitter.com/theLadyGrantham. Please take the opportunity to photo/film/document your’s and Gulley’s trip to Trader Joe’s. That will be way better than the Bachelor. Those blue cooler bags they sell really do keep stuff cold if you take along a big ice pack to put in it.

  23. says

    My first thought was spider bite! Hope your finger feels better soon.

    And I would love to hear everything you end up buying in Trader Joe’s. We finally go one around here and I went in (through the mobs of people filling their carts with crackers and cheeses and wines) and thought, meh – what’s all the fuss?

  24. says

    Do you think it’s a splinter? If you feel like something is in there, put some hydrogen peroxide on it, maybe 2-3 times per day. Eventually, the offending splinter will pop itself out. I had a splinter in my foot once – I couldn’t see it from the outside, but I could feel it. After a few days of hydrogen peroxide, I gently squeezed it and a 1″ splinter popped right out. Weird, but it felt better right away!

    Feel better soon!

  25. says

    Oh my, I couldn’t focus on the post because of the cockroach zipping about on the ad to the right. I totally have the heebie-jeebies and am hoping that isn’t what was in your boot. Because if that’s what it was I’ll be in flip-flops the rest of the winter, thankyouverymuch.

  26. says

    OMGeeee! Poor Edith! How could he do that to her?! He couldn’t, at LEAST, go and see her before? At the house?! That was just devastatin! And Matthew and his determination to find any excuse not to take that money was just getting on my nerves! I wanted to smack him! I knew Daisy was going to come in and say”oh yeah, I mailed it”. I think my favorite, though saddest line this week was “spinsters get up for breakfast”

  27. says

    Okay – I’m a little freaked out at all the comments mentioning biting/stinging things in Texas. Will you keep us posted??

  28. Brittany says

    You need to read lcblogs.com!! She writes Bachelor recaps that are absolutely hysterical! I love your blog! :)

  29. says

    I feel so bad for Lady Edith. She is always such a sad character. Would be nice if they gave her someone to love.

    I’m thinking you need to have your finger looked at.

  30. Gwen says

    The finger with a heartbeat happened to me one time, but not from inside my shoe. Mine was a splinter under my fingernail. Hence, nothing I could see. Get thee to the doctor, girl! Don’t play with something that can get infected. Hope you heal quickly.

  31. Christy says

    A Big Howdy from Big D!

    You could also try a “paste” of baking soda and water, wrap it up until the paste hardens/dries. That has worked before in our house for “unknown” bites and so on…Love your site, and your funny wit!

  32. says

    my em gets so “ferusterated” when i give her my little take on bachelor. which the only reason i know anything at all about bachelor is because she’s all, mama, come here & see them. this is so great. they’re getting out of the limo”…and i’m like EM> come. on. this is so ridiculous.
    anyway. i will now call her down and read this outloud to her. i’ll be laughing. she’ll get “ferusterated”

  33. Traci says

    Epsom salt is for those with time to waste. You need a salve I got called Prid that, no joke, pushed a splinter out from under my fingernail. You need it. You may also need a doctor. I recommend Bacitracin over neosporin. I am even surprised that is still on the market. Just offering tidbits from a nurse with 17 years going on 30 in the ER. Love your blog!!!!


  34. Erin P says

    I have gotten little slivers of glass in my fingers that hurt terribly, but you can’t see them at all. Maybe with all of the remolding stuff there was some something that got picked up on a sock and left in your boot. I have to go with that because the thought of spiders and scorpions in my shoes just plain freaks me out.

  35. Tara G. says

    I just read through your comments because I knew surely someone would have a solution to your throbbing finger and I didn’t want to miss it- just in case, you know?!

  36. says

    The Bachelor girls. Their diction. The extra syllables. “Thank Yoooou-ah!”

    And it drives me bonkers whenever they go on a date.. “Sean took me on the greatest date… he had a whole picnic set up!”. No, he didn’t. A poor little intern did that.

    Lady Edith Crawley will recover but it will be hard. She’s always seemed a little lost to me and I’m hoping that Mr. Right (or Lord or Earl or Duke Right) will come along soon and sweep her off her feet.

    I asked my husband today if he had done something jolly with his hair. He just kept walking past me.

  37. says

    Once I walked into a needle and it was in my toe for two days, but I didn’t know it. I kept thinking that I had just poked my toe on something but when it didn’t start feeling better, I went to a walk-in clinic and they x-rayed it and told me,”There is a needle in your toe!” I’m not saying you have a needle in your finger, but if it’s not getting better then you might want to have a doctor check it out, and maybe get an x-ray. Weird things happen. :)

  38. says

    I have a fashion-related question, and this sort of ties in with your post. I am 48 and I want to buy a pair of Uggs in the worst way! Do you think I’m too old to wear Uggs with jeans? I get told often that I look a lot younger than my age, if that helps. :) Thank you!

    • Sheryl in WA says

      NO, you are not too old. Get thee to Nordstrom and buy a pair, post haste! And here’s a tip: check the kid’s section first. If you wear up to a size 8, I believe, you can buy in the kid’s section and they’re a bit cheaper.

  39. Trudi says

    I came here from Holy Experience, just curious. And now that I’ve laughed my way through the commentary and all the comments, I’ll be back! Okay, the thought of spending a day with a cockroach in my shoe, really creeped me out…but so did all the talk of spider bites, etc. I’m from the frozen northeast and I just have to share the worst thing I found in a shoe…was when my cat, knowing I didn’t like surprises left in my bedroom, kindly left the dead mouse in my shoe which I left downstairs. The good news is that my eyes were open and I actually looked before just shoving my feet into the shoes…or I likely would have woke the neighbors (1/4 mile away) 😀 I do hope your finger improves soon. Guess I would go to the doctor if it didn’t.

  40. says

    We cheated and watched the entire season off the internet a couple months ago. LOVE that show.

    Trader Joe’s: They have these scrumptious packets of Indian fare that you eat with rice (lentils and such). AMAZING.

    Our toddler loves their dried fruits, too. The strawberries are currently his favorite.