I’m sorry to report that I have no update on the neighbor situation. All I know is that there are tire imprints in the grass. But to my knowledge, there has been no bloodshed.
I will continue to update if there are any new or interesting developments. Personally, I’m hoping Tom will retaliate by driving his Ford Taurus through the neighbor’s newly planted grass while laughing maniacally. I realize it wouldn’t be the best way to handle the situation, but I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about my own personal enjoyment.
In other news, I record the Oprah show every day.
Wow.
That IS big news.
Now, out of a week’s worth of Oprah’s, I usually just watch one or two. I try to focus on the episodes that will teach me how to be a better person and embrace life.
Actually, that’s not true.
I only watch the episodes that feature a celebrity, home decorating, or something else equally as shallow. Because why would I want to learn anything more useful than how to artfully arrange family portraits or that Jim Carrey wrote a letter to Carol Burnett when he was eleven years old?
That is enough knowledge for me.
However, all that changed a few weeks ago. Normally if I start my DVRed episode of Oprah and I see Dr. Oz I automatically hit delete because SNOOZE.
But on this particular day, he lured me in because he was talking about how to effectively fight aging. It was in the midst of a particularly difficult time for me involving the discovery of a rebel brigade of gray hairs taking over my bang region and the realization that I now have a permanent parenthesis on one side of my nose leading down to my mouth.
It’s just a matter of time before my entire mouth region is in permanent parentheses. Or worse, quotation marks.
So anyway Dr. Oz and Oprah were talking about aging. They said a lot of stuff about eating broccoli and spinach blah, blah, blah, but I need something easier than that. I prefer my broccoli swimming in cream of mushroom soup and Cheez Whiz and I have a strong suspicion that’s not doing much for my LDL levels.
But then Dr. Oz mentioned something that has TWICE the antioxidant power of blueberries and EIGHT GAZILLION TIMES more antioxidant properties than red wine, it’s called the Acai Berry. It comes in a delightful juice form that you can drink while simultaneously turning back the hands of time.
I totally bought into it. It’s so simple. And then I googled this marvel called the Acai berry and discovered I can also get it in capsule form.
Well the only thing better than that would be if they could put it in Diet Coke.
So yesterday morning I went to Whole Foods Market to purchase some Acai Berry Capsules. They are ALL NATURAL and STRAIGHT FROM THE TREES (or maybe a bush) IN BRAZIL. How could they not be healthy? How could they not immediately make my HDL go up and my LDL go down and my skin as radiant as a baby’s behind without diaper rash?
And they were on sale, so I bought a bottle for P too. Because what’s the point in me looking impossibly fresh and young if I’m hanging out with P and his elevated LDL?
Anyway, I came home and took two of them. So far, I haven’t really seen a difference. Although I did curl my hair and it seemed to hold the curl exceptionally well.
I’m not sure if that’s due to some little known follicular benefits of the Acai berry or if it’s because of the 0% humidity.
I’m going to go with the Acai Berry.
Maybe it will even cure my parenthesis.
Oh, and one more thing. I am having some trouble with my web-hosting. It seems that the company that rhymes with Icower has upgraded its system, thereby causing multiple issues. So, if you’ve had problems logging on, that’s the reason. Maybe the Icower could benefit from the Acai berry.
Y’all have a great day.