Yesterday, I picked Caroline up from school and we headed to a local ice cream shop because I promised her that if she didn’t get her name written on the board for talking during nap time then we could get a treat after school.
Bribery. It works for me.
We pulled up to the ice cream place and it was closed. Needless to say there was great angst over the ice cream that was not to be, but then she looked across the street and saw a huge sign that pictured chocolate-covered strawberries.
“OH MAMA! CAN I GET CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRIES?”
I agreed and we drove across the street. They were some of the biggest strawberries I’ve ever seen and I told her she could have two. The nice man at the counter rang up our purchase and told me that would be $8.10.
For two strawberries.
$4.05 a piece.
Dipped in chocolate, not gold.
And at that moment it totally paid off that I have just one child because otherwise I would have ended up shelling out $16.20 for four strawberries. See how economical the only child is?
Granted, if I had two kids I probably wouldn’t take them to get chocolate-covered strawberries because anytime they asked me for anything I’d remind them that I gave them a sibling and that should be more than enough.
That’s just one reason I go back and forth on the second child thing, the other is that we’re going to need someone to wash dishes while Caroline mows the lawn.
Oh I kid because judging by the emails and comments y’all have some opinions on the only child vs. multiple children thing.
And I’m serious when I say that I appreciate all your words and thoughts on the whole matter. It’s part of the reason I corner every only child I meet and do a battery of psychological tests to make sure they seem to be reasonably normal and well-adjusted.
The thing is that I’m totally okay with whatever God has planned for our family. And really, it’s kind of funny that I spend so much time on the internal second child debate as if it’s totally up to me, because there’s no guarantee I’d even get pregnant again. If He wants us to have another child we will. It’s not like He’s up in heaven wringing his hands over the fact that I’m on birth control pills. Last I checked He’s more powerful than the hormonal manipulation of the Yaz.
Plus, having one child is so simple. Think of what we’ll save on college education. Not to mention the time we’ll save by only having one adult child to call each week and ask why she never calls or comes home to visit.
And we’ll know with all certainty who we have to bribe with good Christmas gifts to ensure that we’re placed in a quality retirement community.
Truth be told, I always assumed we would have two kids because it’s the thing to do. You get married, get a dog so that you can practice keeping something alive, have your two kids, and then make the dog start sleeping outside.
We’re at a point where we have friends popping out babies like they’re Tic-Tacs and I love to visit them, hold the little bundle of sweetness, then hand them back while thinking “Yeah, good luck with that. If you need me, I’ll be sleeping for eight hours.”
But yet there is a part of me that would love the whole experience of having another child, except with an epidural before I dilate to 10 centimeters. It’s such an amazing thing to watch something that weighs 5 1/2 pounds, has no eyelashes, and bears more than a slight resemblance to a baby frog become a beautiful little girl with pigtails that says things and has opinions.
Would we have a boy? Would it be another girl? Is there a chance it would sleep through the night at two weeks and potty train itself?
Because that would be golden.
I even have some great names picked out that may end up being used on a new puppy instead.
And I’m okay with that because who wouldn’t want a puppy named Isabelle?
Or even Cookie, which is what Caroline would like to name a new baby sister.
The truth is that I adore being a mother. I especially adore being Caroline’s mother because, well, she’s mine and that’s how it should be. And while I know I wouldn’t regret having another one, that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for us.
I can’t have another one just so Caroline will have a sibling, although I might do it for the blog material.
I just know that whatever happens, God is in control. He knows our situation and what is ultimately best for our family. If that’s another baby at some point, great.
And if it’s not, then we’re already more than blessed.
Big Mama, just in case you weren’t sure, you were rambling. But only a tad. And you are certainly entitled. In fact, I think that it’s the very conversation every woman has ramblings and all, after they have one child.
Me, after I had number 3 I was DONE, but only because he scared us at 3 days old. Finally, four years after the trauma passed, I realized there was “one more” He’s 2. And he’s it.
My aunt taught me (after having her 2) that it was possible to sit at the dinner table, look around, and know that it was, indeed, enough.
OK, you would still buy the strawberries because you would want them to be busy eating them and not bickering, so you would pay any price for peace!
I have said many times that God knew what He was doing when He surprised us with our second daughter, because, even though we wanted a second, I would have never been able to make the decision that it was “time” for another. God really needed to be in control of that, and certainly was as He gave me a wild April Fool’s Day, 8 1/2 months after having my first sweet girl. Having my second was the best thing for our family, but as an only child myself, I can attest to the fact that there is a mighty fine bond in a family with only one child.
God bless you in whatever you do, and I truly pray you have peace and a sense of contentment.
OK, to clarify- I obviously didn’t give birth to my second 8 1/2 months later- that was the date we found out we were expecting again
We also have one singular sensation, and I love it for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. It’s what works best for our family. God bless you as you make your decision.
You are blessed!!! I always wanted 3 kids and now I would just be happy to have one. My husband and most of my really close friends are only children and they are all very normal and close to their parents! Maybe a little selfish – J/K!
You are SO right – God will give you whatever He wants to give you – He made the earth – I think He can figure out how to give you another child if that’s His plan.
I have been reading a your blog for a while and really enjoy your sense of humor.
Sorry about the $8 strawberries. Maybe they were organic… : )
Thank you so much for this post. Like I’ve said before, we’re going through this discussion right now, too. My husband and I both come from reasonably large families (he’s the youngest of 5 and I’m the oldest of 4), so we’ve seen the good and bad sides of it. We love our little family of three and while I do imagine having a second child, I’m not totally there. Brady’s about to be potty-trained and I just think “wow, I’d have to go through all of this again!” Maybe that’s selfish, but I do know God has the plan. Just as long as I don’t end up like Jon and Kate plus 8!
Love, love, love your blog!
Oh, the picture of God wringing His hands b/c he just can’t figure how to work around the Yaz!
Thank you for that.
And your strawberry story proves your point, that God knows what He is doing & will direct your path. If I’d been in that store and had only 1 child, that would have completely stressed me out. But with 3 children, I’d just swallow all pride, and say ‘Oh, did I say 6, I only meant 1, yes we’d like 1 strawberry. And could we get a knife?’
I’d then teach the kiddos about thirds as they made a face and said “is this all we get?”.
Anyway, you are hilarious, loved this post.
The years of infertility, the conception of our child and then the severe postpartum heart problems were hard…but yet somewhat of a blessing. God ended our “child” journey with a period and not a question mark so there is no wondering really. And I am thankful for that. There was a brief “I want a sister” period that was satisfied quickly and completely with the giving of a beagle puppy who licks her when she is sick, crying or just sitting in the living room. She is well aware of all the time and love she gets because she is an only and has told me recently she likes being an only child.
Having a second child is such a personal decision, I’m glad that I have three, mine are much older 25, 20 and 17 but when I see how close they are and how they love to do thngs together and have each other to confide in it does make my heart happy. It was a handful raising them alone, but God was there with me. I guess that it makes me glad to think that when I’m no longer here on this earth that they will have each other. Every situation is different and God’s plan for each of our lives is unique. You will know if you should or should not have another one and like you said you are truly blessed to have Caroline.
As a father of four little girls (ages 7-11), I know that it’s possible to come up with economical solutions to little problems like the cost of chocolate-covered strawberries:
Still only buy two, but two of the girls get to lick the chocolate off, and the other two get the strawberries.
Works for chocolate-covered nuts and pretzels as well.
The paragraph about the dog – priceless. Best analogy ever. Period.
Hi Big Mama,
I think you’re right that is really is up to God.
I’m an only child, and I did have a bit of a lonely life. I remember Sunday afternoons as being the worst, especially as a teenager, because it seemed that all my friends were doing family things, and there was nothing on TV. That said, I am very close to my mother, who is in turn very close to my girls.
We decided that we didn’t want anymore kids after three (our middle child had died, and I didn’t think I could ever emotionally handle another pregnancy). So we got fixed. I was 27 years old.
I have cried since then over the babies I will never have. It’s funny how you can be sure of something for about five years, and then change your mind when it’s too late. I wish we had just left things to God. But I also know that this is such a personal decision. And you don’t want to spend $24 on chocolate covered strawberries!
Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!
Big Mama (I always want to just use your initials but that’s so gross), you know I SO understand. I do in-depth interviews with only children and parents of only children.
I think I kinda scare them a bit.
Great post. (And $4 strawberries??? That would make me cry. I’d go buy a hershey bar and make a strawberry sandwich instead)
Ahhh, I see you were sucked into the that-will-be-all-your-life-savings-and-a-generous-share-in-your-stock-holdings-please overpriced nature of the chocolate covered strawberries of OUSIDERS!!! Go visit the candy store in Comfort sometime and indulge in some seriously tasty chocolate…the kind that won’t require you to siphon gas in order to get home because you pawned what you had for the elusive pricey berry.
Having one sounds DIVINE.
You know what they say…having ONE is an accessory. TWO is a lifestyle.
: )
I was in your same spot for several years after my first was born. Oh, how I struggled and debated! I loved the feeling of it just being us – the Three Musketeers – but I was always, in the back of my mind, wondering if I might shortchanging Bean by not giving her a sibling. Back and forth, back and forth, as I turned 38, then 39 and then 40. I guess I’d finally come to the conclusion, sortof by process of elimination, that one child was it for us, about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with our second child, who’s due in August, and was (still is!) a complete surprise. Seems God had other plans! And I’m good with that, because well, for one, He’s God and who am I to quibble wih God? And for two, how cool is it that my new little son will always remind me that God is fully and wonderfully in control and has a plan for this family He’ll implement around all my wishy-washy dithering? I hope your answer comes as loudly and clearly as mine has. There is such relief in knowing I don’t HAVE to decide anymore.
You know how they say birth control is 99% effective?
It’s not true.
It’s 98% effective.
The 2%? Thy name is Kati and Jonathan.
Yeah, God thought it was so funny the first time …
Seriously, it’s great either way. I’m an only child and have regrest about that, but I’m also keenly aware that I was given much becasue of that very fact for which I am thankful.
Now, I have two and can’t imagine life without either one of them.
Really? it works out no matter what
See, I’m no help.
What. So. Ever.
You’re very welcome.
My dad ALWAYS said, “it’s called bribery, but it works.” ha
Yes indeed, you are blessed with that precious little gal.
I love the name Isabelle! My daughter, Kaylee was almost named Isabelle because it’s both of our grandmother’s names. It’s an “ageless” beauty kind of name. He didn’t care for it so we settled on a forever 7 year olds name. = )
I know where you’re at on having another child. I unfortunately lost my last pregnancy four years ago. And at 36, I’m also torn on having another.
I too have asked everyone who doesn’t have a sibling and the majority say that they can’t miss what they’ve never had.
Happy Thursday!
I think you should consider having another just to name it “Cookie”… works for a boy or a girl.
As a mom of 3, I was content and didn’t know I would get 4 (God did). He was a surprise and my other kids wanted to name him dirt bike. Isn’t it great that God is in charge of these things and not our hormonal selves? Amen and amen.
I think you exactly expressed what I think about claims that birth control foils the purposes of God. Anyone who has conceived on birth control or failed to conceive on fertility treatments can tell you that God is still in control of birth.
Okay. Since you seem open to reasons for more kids, here’s one worth thinking on, but not one that comes with any pressure or judgment. This is frankly none of my business. But just to consider: someday you will be old, and unless you are very, very financially secure, there will be expenses for your care that will burden your child. Spreading that burden around two or three or four children is a much better thing than laying it all on one. I know that is not a reason most parents consider, but in other cultures and other eras people have realized its importance. In our society, we just assume we’ll never get old or we’ll be rich by then or the government will pay for it, which maybe they won’t.
As an only child, with an only child — life is great — I wouldn’t have it any other way — unless God changes that in someway or other of course.
Being an only child is only tough when planning your parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, as I have recently done– man, a sibling or five would have been great to have to split the $$ and the stress with!!
I truly enjoy your blog — come visit mine anytime.
Well said. Thanks for sharing so publicly about the reasons that you (and many others in an unspoken way) choose or end up with only one child.
Following God’s leading is the way to go.
However, I hadn’t really thought of the blog material issue. I might have to say that tilts the scales. That’s what they always do on sitcoms when they start getting stale. Not that you are getting stale.
Love this post. And my 3rd is proof that God don’t need our help.
Birth control, ha! 
Anyway, I can relate to your struggles. And the worry post? That is SO me. Thanks for being so real.
I say go off the pill and see what happens. It is up to God whether you have another or not, but why put a deterant in the way if another child is what He has planned for you? If you’re not to have another, He’ll look after that for you too. Just my thoughts.
Look at that photo! She is so precious! God has truly blessed you and I know that He has a plan for you.
My mom had her tubes “tied” after two. Shortly thereafter she was blessed with another child. She always called him her “miracle”. Six years later, it happened again. It seemed God had a different plan. I cannot imagine my family without those two and give thanks for them. In my own life we have three and we THINK we’re done, but, like you, we know that it’s in God’s hands (and in the meantime, birth control works just fine).
o.k. Forgive me for dialing in on a little detail of this post, when clearly much more is at hand (but I leave it to God and let you enjoy life as comes for you with my opinions).
I’m a longtime reader, firsttime commenter…
Did you mean, “…write her name on the board for… misbehaving/talking/etc?”
We are an American family moved to Ireland when I learned of that discipline in my DD’s Irish class–and I thought it so unlike Americans, as the Irish are always using shame to keep people in line. (and, no, it does not work.) So I even asked her teacher once: putting your name in bold print on board, surely that only begs them to act out? Don’t we all want to see our name ‘in lights’? And despite me’fessing up to not having an alernate discipline suggestion, I think I may have even said, they wouldn’t do that in America! Cheeky. Or so until I read your blog. And well there I am guilty as day.
What is your opinion on it?
thanks for your blog; it’s become my morning entertainment
take care.
You are truly blessed with that sweet little girl. And the sentiment of your post is exactly what I say when people ask if we are having a 3rd. God will let us know if we need another one.
It seems because we have 2 boys that people think we MUST try for a girl. I’m 38 years old. I can barely stay up past Wheel of Fortune.
Only child here. I always, ALWAYS wanted a sister or brother. As a matter of fact, I had an imaginary older brother most of my childhood. There are the financial advantages, i.e. my dad will slip me a $100 bill to this day and I am 45 years old. And you get all their inheritance and stuff, but right now they are hitting the dottery stage, both have illnesses, hospital visits, etc. and I have no one to rotate helping take care of them. It can be, well, sometimes I feel like I’m gonna explode. Another plus to having two kids, now that my kids are in their early twenties when they are both at home they do things togehter and sit in their room and play guitar and sing together and I get to listen. But, we also wanted to have them closer together and finally when our son was 4 we said “if we don’t get pregnant this year, we just aren’t gonna worry about it anymore” and you guessed it. Its because of the God being in control thing. And while He might wring his hands over you I feel sure he rolls his eyes over me on a regular basis.
Awww, can I just give you a hug? And a smile
Caroline is a lucky, lucky girl.
You are correct in the fact that God is in control. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with our first. Then I gave my self a time limit for the next one, saying if I wasn’t pregnant with our next child by the time I hit age –(you fill in the blank) Then we would be done. Well that birthday came and went and I had resigned myself that one child was it and I was completely fine with that and got my mind set on just one child. Then low and behold…next month we found out we were pregnant with child #2. It was all done in His time. I am ever so greatful He has given me two wonderful boys to raise. I love being their mom. Even with all the good, bad, and ugly(and it can be ugly) it is the job I am most proud of.
I so can relate to you about the only child thing. My son is 4 1/2 and I go back and forth all the time if we should have another or not. My husband was an only child and loved it. He is very close to his parents and they are great grandparents. He wants to be done but I wonder if I will regret it. I do love our little family though and I know I would totally be satisfied if this is it. I love being a mom and realize that this may be the perfect size for us. The comments from others with more than one do get a little old though. Everybody has an opinion.
Ok. Totally my opinion here. But, I know from experience what that internal wrestling is like. Ok for a few days, think you know what you want, then it starts again. On again, off again. So, I suggest-stay on the pill. Stay on it til you know that you know. It can take two, three, even four years to know for sure. i wrestled between 1 and 2 for three years. Did the same thing between 2 and 3 kids. Was on the pill when i got preg. with #3. God settled it for me and I am oh so glad.
Truth is, its easy for me to say Oh you should do this cause i do this and i like it. But, only God truly knows best for you. So, until you know, take your precautions. God is definately bigger than your precautions.
My dearest friend is raising an only child and you would never know he is an only. the teachers at school think he has a sibling he is so NOT spoiled. It can be done. I know several people who are pullingit off. So….
enjoy the mean time and wait on that peace. until you have it, or God makes it up for you, enjoy the one you have to the max!
I’m 40 year old, alright..41 year old only child who is the only one available to take care of my aging mom. When she goes, I will be left virtually alone (I’m also a never married.) as I have no siblings and we don’t come from a large extended family.
Maybe a sibling is not important for Caroline now, but I would give just about anything to have one during this time in my life.
You are so right, though that God is in control. He is really good at that being in control thing I have learned.
I am a mother of an only child. My dd is 7.5 and is the biggest blessing in my life. I gave birth to her 11 days before my 35th birthday, after 10 years of infertility treatment. We had given up. Then, out of no where, God gave me my miracle. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant!
I’m 42 now, and although I would’ve loved to have more children, I am more than thankful for my ONLY child. She understands (as much as a 7 yr old can) why she doesn’t have any siblings, and she is also WELL AWARE that she is our special miracle gift from GOD.
Having one is not a bad thing. Like you said, it’s ALL in God’s hands. Bless you!!
First, let me say that you are brave and gracious to even bring up the topic to a bunch of opinionated readers. You’ve handled it all beautifully with nary a “Mind your own stinkin business!” Amazing.
Second, I have four, which means way more work but also way more slave labor. It evens out, I think. We kept having kids to increase the odds that when we are old, one of them will like us and take us in.
Enjoy your sweet girl. (And the fact that you CAN do exhorbitant snacks and adorable clothes. My kids look like ragamuffins and, as my husband commented, have to find creative ways to get good snacks.)
I am a SAHM to two kids. And while I love them both and would NEVER return either one, at times I think an only would be nice. More money, more quality time with them, more quality time for me (being totally selfish, of course). I know several only children, both kids and adults, and know it can be done without having society think they are devil children because they have everything.
Also, some commented on having more than one makes it easier when the parents get older, as they can spread out the money/stress of taking care of older parents. My mom is one of 6, and when her mom got sick, there was nothing but fighting–additionally, the 6 were so different in terms of finances, they couldn’t really divide costs by 6. My very good friend, who is an only, deals with the elderly demographic in her job, and she is on the opinion that it is EASIER to only have one taking care of the parent–no one to argue with or second guess yourself.
But no matter my opinion or anyone else’s, God is on the throne, and really, only His opinion counts. You’re right to count on Him for the ultimate decision!
Big Mama,
The paragraph about the dog is exactly what happened at my house! I mean EXACTLY!
My only opinion on this is make the decision that you think is best for your family. Then, sit back and see if God agrees. Ha. Clearly, he questioned our decision of of only having one. Because we now have two 18 months apart. I love it and am so thankful that things worked out this way!
Good luck!
First of all, $4 for chocolate covered strawberries is totally worth it! But, after I paid that much, I would keep them for myself
I debate all the time whether or not to have a 3rd child. I always wanted 4 children, but didn’t get pregnant with my 2 easily. I’m 37 and the reason I’m hesitant is I don’t want to be up all night. I’m selfish like that….
Silly me. Here I am selling burp cloths when clearly, I should be planting a strawberry patch!
I also love the name Isabelle. We don’t have any children yet, but I hope to have a little girl and name her Isabella. My husband has already threatened to call her Isabella Mella Fella. Poor child.
Our one and only is now 10. She is fun and witty and smart. And only mildly clingy.
I am an only that had an only. I thought I would have more. It just never seemed like the right time.
Sometimes I wish we had another. Sometimes (like when she sleeps until 10 on the weekends) I am so thankful that it is just the 3 of us.
Generally, I have found that my “reasons” for wanting another are selfish & motivated out of fear.
Ultimately, just as you said, God is in control. He knows what is best for us.
Oh Melanie- the debate continues huh??
I’ve said so many times that I am a GREAT MOTHER to ONE child. I wasn’t easily frustrated. My son had my complete attention. I never found myself yelling, EVER because it was just him and if I said something, or redirected him, or told him no… he listened.
It was easier to parent one child and though it’s a bit soon to tell, I believe my oldest may have turned out a little “better” for the individual time spent with him by where there was no frustration.
Enter my second son into the world… and boys will be boys and man alive did my parenting TANK!!!
And well, becuase I was already in over my head we added a daughter less than 2 years after the second son.
Now the house is crazy, loud, busy… swim lessons, ballet practice, homeschooling… insanity.
I love EACH of my children but recognize the toll multiple children take on the parents. It’s a season and will pass- we will all grow through it. BUT I have to imagine that parenting only one child is more enjoyable to the parent. (Not that that is why we parent… but that children are a blessing of God and we are stewards to raise them in His ways)…
but still- my guess is that mom’s of multiple children spend more time overwhelmed, frustrated and possibly at witts end as they try to do the very best they can to raise their children in the ways of the Lord.
Just a thought!!
I am proud of you!
Love,
Vern
I still waffle about having three. I’m almost 37 and I still want that third child at times, even though our kids are 11 and 8… it would be like starting a second family! But I admit that the money to spend on me rather than diapers is really nice and I love the date nights that Mr. Right and I get to have now…
I know I’m totally blessed, and life is really good. I am striving to focus on enjoying the love that I have with this family rather than dwelling on the the one that “could be”. It’s then that I realize that this family will always be the size that God wants it to be, whether that includes more children or friends that we bring into the family.
I’m a single mother of one child and I know that I don’t want anymore, but that’s my choice. I love my daughter to pieces and could not imagine life any different than it is right now. Besides not being able to afford another child, I like the little life that we’ve carved out for ourselves.
I admire those who are able to have more children (I’m not talking about physically) and CAN manage to do it all (deal with more than one child at a time, keep house, work, not work, deal with a husband, etc….). I know that “deal” is not the right word…but you know what I mean.
Good luck with whatever choice you make.
Emily
http://www.twodogsrunningsouth.blogspot.com/
Yeah, I think that once you have two kids, you sneak out by yourself, spend the $8 on strawberries, and eat them both yourself. It’s all about self-preservation.
I had an only for 7.5 years. And for 6.5 of those years, I was positive that we would only have one child. But I got that little niggling feeling, and we thought, what the heck, we’ll give it a try. And voila…Logan.
I love both of my boys. I love that they are widely-spaced — I could *never* have done the whole toddler AND a newborn thing. But I also loved being a mom of an only.
It’s all good, Melanie. Sounds like you’ve got the right approach. You treasure Caroline for the blessing she is and you’re open to how God will guide.
I hope that how we raised puppies to dogs doesn’t reflect on how we raise our kiddos. They would be in for it. We stinketh at all things dog-related…that’s not to say we haven’t tried, I do so love a puppy dog.
And to have another child for blog material? PRICELESS!
It made this tired momma chuckle.
Whether you have one or ten children, Melanie, you are a great Mother!!
I’m the second child of three, and when I found out my mom was having a baby (I was nearly 4), I demanded that the new baby be named “Wonder Woman” or I would never speak to her.
3 year old logic.
And my mom, being the ever creative children’s pastor that she is, named my sister Kelli.
When I protested, she showed me her name in a baby book. Its meaning? Wonderous Woman. Worked for me.
As a Christian, something you might want to know about Yaz (and every form of hormonal/chemical birth control that I know of) is mentioned only in the fine print of the “Physician Prescribing Info” on their website. If you read the first paragraph, labeled “Oral Contraception,” it says:
“Combination oral contraceptives (COCs) act by suppression of gonadotropins. Although the primary mechanism of this action is inhibition of ovulation, other alterations include changes in the cervical mucus (which increases the difficulty of sperm entry into the uterus) and the endometrium (which reduces the likelihood of implantation).
That last part about the endometrium? That’s saying that, should you happen to get pregnant (and the first part of the pill doesn’t work), don’t worry—it will make you endometrium inhospitable for this newly formed baby. It’s an early abortion. Doctors will, almost across the boards, not mention this effect of birth control. Why? They are subsidized by pharmaceutical companies. Or they are ignorant themselves.
What you do with this information is up to you, but it is something that shocked me shortly after I got engaged, and my husband and I decided that before God, we could not take the risk of aborting babies, so we use natural family planning. May God guide your decision in this process!
Sorry, the end of Yaz’s quote was my second paragraph–I forgot to close the quote.
My husband is an only child and has never had a problem with it. Our son was an only for 10.5 years and was happy as could be. After going back and forth – not wanting/wanting, etc. and several miscarriages, we learned to be content with our only child. We only used BC for 6 mos after our son was born, MANY years of no BC. We had one miscarriage when he as little and then went many years with no pregnancies. Then we had a couple more miscarriages later on. Losing those last ones really put a desire in my heart again to have another one. But we totally left it to God and still remained content. Mother’s Day 2004 we found out we were pregnant again and now she’s 3. Was one easier? Um, for me….yes. Would I change it for the world? No way! Our little princess has brought us so much joy! Joy we didn’t know we were missing or needed. God knew what we needed and when. He was in control.
My point? Leave it to God – He’s the only one who knows what is best. And He really is the one in control. If being on BC is what you want right now, then do it. If God wants you to have another one, that won’t stop it! My friend had her tubes tied after #4 and got pregnant again. After the c-section, the doctor was going to do it again, but there was nothing to do. He said there was absolutely no explanation as to how she got pregnant, that it wasn’t physically possible. He was stumped. She was not – that baby was in God’s plan.
It’s hard to know the ‘right’ thing to do, so all we can to is leave it to our Father!
(Sorry for rambling.)
Would it make a difference if I offered to help with the potty training?
No? It wouldn’t?
Whew! I was worried you might take me up on the offer.
I’m an only child and it sucked as a child and teenager. Family vacations were pretty dull. As a teen I really wanted an older brother or sister to teach me stuff about friendships and boy/girl stuff. Now I feel the burden of being the only one to take care of my parents when they go “down hill” physically and mentally. I have also had this terrible fear of their deaths since I was a child. That whole “orphan” thing.
One benefit of having more than one child is cousins and aunts and uncles. My boys don’t have very many of those and they live very far away.
I *love* watching my two boys interact with each other. For the most part they get along like a house on fire. They hug and call each other Brother and Baby. They are so fortunate to have each other.
Over $8 for two chocolate-covered strawberries? Highway robbery! I’d have to have been an ‘Indian giver’!
As for the children, I wanted four – got two. Wanted a boy first, girl second and got that. Thought I was pregnant one other time – 3 mos, and not pregnant. But I think we got what God wanted us to have.
My daughter, on the other hand, WAS on birth control pills and God does have control over that,too! She has two children (of her four) that are proof of that one! And, she loves them all. So, if it’s in the plan for you to have another one you will. It has taken my daughter in law many years, after coming off the pill, to become pregnant. Their only son is 9 1/2 and their 2nd baby, another boy, is due in July.
Sorry, but I’m calling your bluff. If you were truly comfortable with God being in control of your fertility, you wouldn’t be on birth control pills! Choose what is right for you, economically or mentally, by all means, be it contracepting or NFP or whatever; but, don’t lie to yourself.
I’m not a die-hard no-birth-control-for-anyone type of person (though I don’t use it myself); I believe in personal choice in this matter. Many people don’t want a passel of kids (especially after reading my blog, I’m afraid!) But you can’t have it both ways (i.e., leaving it up to God and using birth control pills), unless there is a part of your reasoning I am missing. Which is a likely possibility, considering all the brain cells I have lost over the past 16 years of child-rearing.
Love your blog, by the way – I visit every day.
I started to say, “I’m an only child and I turned out just fine.”
But then I figured that wouldn’t necessarily work.
However, my little girl is an only child and after a while I realized I was meant to be HER Mama. Not just a Mama. Hers. And that is fine with me.
I think the very first comment by Kelly says it all.
God made both of my decisions for me. We starting to talk about children, and boom along came the first. I gave birth to the first one, and boom along came the second. I really questioned God’s decision on that one, but feel that I am truly blessed now. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have ever been ready to make a decision on the second child. I think that I would have been content with one, but God had another plan, and now I am thrilled with two.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating tossing out the Yaz for a second child. As you know, my sister and I are 5 years apart, and we were never close until we were results. Oh, how I longed for a sister, and oh, how disappointed I was when I got a BABY sister. She couldn’t even hold a tea cup or do a cartwheel! All she did was cry, and EVERYONE thought she was the most perfect thing.
One of my closest friends is an only child, and she is very grounded and supportive. She had a great family, so I don’t think she felt deprived, but I’ve never asked.
Anyway, relax now because if you do get pregnant, then you will start worrying about the effect of a new baby on Caroline and how you can divide your attention and time between two children. I worried myself into a tizzy when I got pregnant the second time. There is no magic formula. Your family is complete no matter how many children you have. You and P have found a great love, and you are providing that love to Caroline. And you have Gulley and her boys and your sister and Sarah. Caroline will never be lonely.
On a funnier note, my boys have decided that they want an OLDER sister. When I asked why, the explanation was that they wanted to read her diary and tease her. Won’t that look great on an adoption application!!!
At our house we don’t call call bribery, we call it a ‘non social reward’ because…
Denial. It works for us.
-Written by a mostly normal, well-adjusted adult, only child. Now a Mom of three… Because God, He DOES have a sense of humor!
Wow! After reading all those comments people really have an opinion about the number of kids to have. Having children is not a one size fits all kind of thing.
I will pray for you and what ever decision God lays on your heart.
Not sure if I’ve commented before or not.
I’ll be happy to loan you one or four of mine. Give you a bit of a “test run”.
Seriously though, it IS such a tough decision. I’m sort of an only. I am my mom’s only, and was raised by her. Though I have a half brother and sister, they’re 6 and 7 years younger than me, and we’re not close, even though they’re great kids. My mom was one of 5, my dad was one of 7 and my stepmom one of 7. So I’ve grown up around large families. I always knew I wanted at least two, and probably more children. #2 was decided for us, we found out when #1 was just 7 months old. It worked out fine, they’re very close. In quick succession we added #3 and #4. They’re all currently under age 8. Yes, my sanity is debatable.
And sometimes, sometimes, I look at my oldest and think how easy and how nice it would be if we only had him right now. Or even only the oldest TWO. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, having the other two. No matter how tough it is some days (and they are oil and water together some days).
Wishing you peace in a tough decision.
I’m an only child, and I had a great childhood (and a great life!) I think I’m closer to my parents than maybe others are. I wouldn’t change anything about my family.
You are right – God will work his plan in your life!
Hey-rereading my comment and worrying that it sounded a bit judgmental, which I really didn’t mean it to be. I was just curious about the reasoning behind your statements, but that isn’t as important as telling you that whatever you decide, or God decides, having a family (no matter the size) is a wonderful experience, as you no doubt already know. Enjoy however many you have, time passes so quickly!
Some background information to my comment. I am an only child and my husband is 1 of 4. I believe we are both stable relatively normal people so I think either way you are fine.
My husband and I went through the same debate about having a 2nd and came down to “if it’s meant to be, it will be”. And then it was! We had our 2nd baby girl in December. While I can’t say that it’s been easy and I doubt she will potty train herself, she is beautiful and wonderful and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Chuck the pills and let Jesus take the wheel sister! You’ll never regret it. EVER!!
I have a few years on many of you, so I will throw my two cents in the hat.
There is no magic formula.
If you have kids, don’t have kids, have one, have a bus load, adopt, have a boy and girl, try for 2 and 2 whatever the mix –there are no guarantees that your life will work out perfectly. Life throws curves and twist and joy a sorrow and triumphs and tragedies into the mix.
No matter what, you will always have doubts and wishes and hopes and dreams. Some will be fulfilled and others won’t.
Which is why our faith is in God. He did not promise that this would be an easy journey, just that He would be there.
I have had this internal debate for years. Neither my husband nor I want another child, but I still have twinges of guilt occassionally.
As far as his lack of siblings, we just adopt siblings for a day and send them back home.
And if we had another child now, it would be kind of like having TWO only children. Yuck!
You just keeping seeking God on this. He will let you know what to do.
I had my firt child at 38 almost 39. That’s just the way God planned it for us too. At 5 now, she is the joy of my life and my greatest test. I would love to have another one. Yes, even at 43! Hey, if Dr. Quinn Medicine Women can do it, I can too!
We’re still debating about when to have the first child, like it’s even up to us. I keep hoping God will work a miracle in the .01% range where the BC isn’t effective.
We started with plants first, killed those. Then a puppy, still alive. Next is our own kid, and then an adopted one… and we’ll see if we even get that far!
“…because anytime they asked me for anything I’d remind them that I gave them a sibling and that should be more than enough.”
I am TOTALLY going to try this line on the girls the next time they ask for something. Think it’ll work??
What a fun memory for her! I know that is one of my weaknesses but wow that was expensive, but in her eyes I bet it was worth it!!
I could have written that – if I was so elequent with my words!! But I have that same “internal debate” about having another child! I love how you put it – God’s not wringing his hands about the pill! Thanks for your blog – so great!
This “how many children” debate can get so ugly (in other forums, I haven’t really seen the claws in these comments).
I think it’s because we are discussing our children – those people who are like little pieces of our own hearts out in the world. How can you NOT defend your family, your very heart, to someone who questions it?
I think that in this country, mothers of “singles” and mothers of “many” can be equally maligned and it’s sad. Some women get the “oh, you ONLY have one?” question and some women get the “Are you DONE now?” question. Either way it hurts.
This has raised some interesting questions, and this comment is in danger of becoming a thesis. Maybe I’ll just have to move my train of thoughts over to my place
Well said, Big Mama. You definitely know your heart better than anyone in the blog-o-sphere. Are you going to do a post on breastfeeding next??? That would create a real tornado of comments!!!
My only child, a daughter, is turning 17 this year. I’ve heard all the arguments for having another child for the past 17 years, but we always felt that one was the right number for us.
And my daughter is a beautiful, talented, straight A student.
We are very close and we have a wonderful relationship, and I can tell from your blog, which I read every day, that you two will be just as close.
Being an only child doesn’t spoil a child, just as being part of a bigger family doesn’t quarantee that a child will grow up to be caring and generous. It’s the raising of the child that counts, not how many you can pop out.
PS – And if you don’t believe me, send me an email and I’ll send you a link to my private blog, where you can read all about the successes of my only child.
I know there have been lots of comments on either side of the kids issue. But I would like to chime in on something that you said that I don’t understand.
If you want God to decide whether or not you have another baby, then why are you on the pill? You are doing something that directly keeps you from being pregnant, or like MinnesotaMom said, perhaps an early abortion. If you truly want God to be in charge, then why take such a step that says “I don’t want this right now and if you think I need it, then you need to go through this pill I’m taking.” Sounds like you are giving the Lord a big test, when he could be testing you.
My husband and I do Natural Family Planning which makes us discuss each month, during the fertile time, if we think we are being called to have another baby. It is a big commitment to go on the pill for any length of time.
May God guide you and your husband in this decision process.
You said, “Yeah, good luck with that. If you need me, I’ll be sleeping for eight hours.”
Now that was funny.
I have nothing to add to this discussion that hasn’t already been said. No. Thing.
But man, Big Mama, don’t you have some of the best, wisest, most courteous commenters in the world? Nary a fight here, and the topic is so volatile.
I have an only – a 9 year old son – and I too constantly corner every single only child and ask them all sorts of personal questions… I can be pretty scary like that.
But after the sleepless nights and the whole baby blues thing going on, one just made a whole lotta sense to us.
I loved the comment left above about “one singular sensation”… that is exactly what we have!
sleepless nights, pain, dialation, labor and pregnancy in general…. as well as the baby phase… all part of the reasons we adopted our second child. Really, you can SKIP the bad parts
(well not ALL of them)
I can’t have another one just so Caroline will have a sibling, although I might do it for the blog material.
This was my favorite line, and I’m disturbed by how I can relate to it.
Well said, girlfriend. Well said.
You’re sweeter than I am. I have three kids. 9,8 and 3 months. I’m thinking i’ll have a fourth so little monkey will have a friend to play with later becuase this momma wonders if she’ll like being a playmate. Thus bringing me to my first point; you’re sweeter than I am.
I am in total agreement with you.
When we married our plan was to wait 4 years and then have 2 kids. Before our first anniversary, I was prego with #1. It happened while I was on birth control. Then when we started trying for #2 it worked really well, and we ended up with twins. So now we have 3 kids instead of 2 inside the time span we’d designated as “waiting to start our family”.
God is so much bigger than birth control.
Melanie, my husband I struggled with infertility/pregnancy loss from day one of our marriage. What gives me hope that I’d have the exact family that He planned for me? That EVERY SINGLE woman in the bible that was called “barren”, eventually had children. And that first child she finally got, wasn’t just a child, but a special child in the whole scheme of our salvation.
So today, after mourning yet another miscarriage last week, I look at the miracle of my only son, Jon Kai. He is my 25% success rate. He may be the only child I ever have. And with that knowledge, today, for now, I am content. Because if my child is to be that special child, he may very well need all of my attention. At this point, I can give that to him. If he does not need all of that and I am to have more kids, then God will somehow provide me a child, whether or not I am on BC or pursuing an adoption again.
This is in no way to preach. Just provide you my story that God will do what He wills with my life, one way or another. I have to work VERY hard every day to stay out of His way and let him do his thing.
Love,
Andi
I am an only child and boy is one a lonely number! But no body ever bought me $8 worth of chocolate covered strawberries either!
Here is a little different angle for you — my father died when I was 16. It has been 17 years since that happened. So my husband never met him and my kids have only seen pictures of this dear man who meant so much to me. Sometimes memories of him seem like a dream. But they are never more real than when my two brothers and I are talking about him and laughing about our memories together. It makes me very thankful for those men who were once bullies that aggravated the dickens out of me.
Your blog was recommended to me by my Google Reader…great recommendation!
I, too, went through the “just 1 child or another child??” argument a few years ago. I really liked the way things were with just the 3 of us and didn’t want to change things up…but then I got to thinking about my kiddo being lonely at family functions (she would have been the only child…ever) and then lonely later in life. I’d read something about someone being an only child and despite having all kinds of friends, he was lonely throughout his whole life. I didn’t want my kiddo to be lonely like that, so we decided to try for another kiddo. Kiddo number 2 was born 10 months after we made that decision.
Of course you’ll be the one to ultimately make that final decision (minus God’s role in all of it, of course)…but sometimes it helps to hear stories of other people who’ve BTDT.
Oh we loved E so much, we fretted that she’d be all alone in the world and needed a sibling and that would be our greatest gift to her – the love of a sister.
I’m pretty sure those good intentions have ruined her life. Forever.
On the other hand, we’re deliriously happy we have the baby. I guess you can’t win ‘em all.
We had 2 and it was “perfect” so we adopted 2 more and now four is “perfect,” so if one is perfect for you… I agree! I think we have what we have for a reason and we all do the best we can, with however many kids we have.
This is a poorly written comment, but I’m undercaffeinated. Sorry. I’d like a chocolate covered strawberry if you have any left over. Bottom of your purse or something. Just checking.
at least if you just have one its a girl… I decided after marrying my only child husband that we had to have two children and certainly if the first was a boy… I wanted daughters to pick the nursing home instead of a son who forgets to call like the hubby…
I’m so sorry for the long, long, looooong response I made to this one time. You must have thougt I was nuts. You have your head on straight and heart wide open. If it’s meant to be; it will be. And you have one heck of a point about that college tuition issue.
God is definitely in control. We wrangled with much of the thoughts you are having and then voila the decision was made for us.
We just found out we are having baby #3.
“….anytime they asked me for anything I’d remind them that I gave them a sibling and that should be more than enough.”
That RIGHT THERE is why I visit every day….even on these tricky topics, you always bring the funny.
Seriously, you are one brave girl for putting this out there for the world to see and comment on. It’s such an intensely personal decision. And, at this point in the commenting game, you certainly don’t need my input. But, I did want to say that you are not alone, and I think this a struggle for a lot of us no matter how many kids we have. I am not someone who just “knows” how many babies are right for our family. There is no magic number for me.
We have two little girls & we are NOT trying for a boy. But, we might try for another baby soon.
I love the fact that EVERYTIME I check your blog, #1 you posted, #2 you make me laugh.
Yes another baby would be great blog material!
And if that baby could come sleeping 8 hours and potty trained…well you would be rich!
We have 4 and although crazy it is crazy fun. By the way love your baby/puppy name. Our first daughter is Isabella Rose.
Your daughter is beautiful! Loved your post!
i absolutely think it’s ok to have another kid just for the first one. that’s why i had two more. one day i won’t be here and they are going to need each other.
Have you tried Nutella on strawberries? Well, if not, you must try it. And then it might be wise to keep it a secret.
I laughed out loud. I have two children. Last year, I had to decide whether to have a hysterectomy or another baby. I always thought I would have more but that was not a good reason to HAVE another baby. So, I decided to be the best mother for the two that I have and have the surgery. My friends are also popping out the babies “like Tic Tacs!” (I am laughing right now!) For some reason, I feel like a quitter or something. Like I’m SUPPOSED to have another. Well, I had a similar moment when I held a newborn baby of a friend. So sweet. My children are getting “older” ages 4 and 8. The baby I held was still “smushy.” After a few minutes, I thought to myself,”okay time to go, been here and now i’m going home to do my own thing (like sleep).” You made me laugh tonight!
Big Mama pray hard about it, God will give you the answer. Just as He can give you a baby while on Yaz, he can also not give you a baby while you’re doing natural family planning.
Your little Caroline is blessed. You’ll get your answer and then you’ll have peace.
I just stumbled upon your bloggy!
And now…. i want choco covered strawberries!
Holy smokes everyone decided to chime in on this one! Be at peace with whatever decision you make – cuz you can’t put them back if you change your mind.
I haven’t read the other comments yet, but I have been reading your interesting pros and cons. If you really did not want to have another child, you would have decided that already. If you are thinking about it, then your decision is not made yet. How about giving up the birth control and then letting Him decide.
I happen to have 3 sons and 5 grandchildren. I always wanted 6 though. (I know I’m crazy like that). And oh, the fun we had!!
Blessings on your family
Marie
I haven’t read all the comments… I’m a 40 year only child — I have a half sister and half brother and an ex step-brother who I would spend summers with. My halfs and I get along great, and I consider myself to have had the best of both worlds. Adult siblings with whom I have a great time with, and not having to ever share or wait for a bathroom while growing up.
What could be better
I was raised by a single mom at a time when everyone else had dad’s… and my mom is awesome. I wouldn’t change anything about my childhood.
(But… it >>is<< all about me *wink wink*
)
Take it from a 38 year old only child- Have another! It is a LONELY existance without siblings- I didn’t even have any cousins close by-
I knew I from my own expereince that I would have 2 or 3- Tough pregnancies only allowed me to have 2! They love each other dearly and they are 7 years apart! Having a 12 year old and a 5 year old is like having 2 only children because of the age difference- but it is a good thing!
Life will be perfect whatever the future holds…just look at Caroline…she is a perfect daughter! I read your post the other day and felt a need to post a couple of thoughts here:
#1 – talk to P. Trust me on this one. Talk to him honestly and then LISTEN to what he says. Really LISTEN to him.
#2 – babies grow up way too fast, so decide whether you want another person in your family instead of another baby.
#3 – I am my parents third child. The first died at birth. The second is my best friend of all time – my sister. And I’m #3 followed by #4 – my horrible brother who is now my precious brother. I’m so glad my parents brought me into this world and I’m so glad that I have my brother and sister. This is an important point. Do you think Caroline would be better off with or without siblings? Settle that in your heart with your P in the loop.
#4 – Trust your heart. The Holy Spirit is so good at making our desires His desires for our lives. Ask Him to increase your desire for another child, if it is His Will for your life. And ask Him to decrease your desire if it is not. He will.
Love you and your perfect family. May you receive peace about this.
Can you have another one, just for up internets? Caroline is growing up so quickly, and you’ll need some new material right?
I have plenty of friends who were either an only child or who have an only child. It works for them. Don’t let people make you feel like you’ve made a mistake. It’s not their family.
Personally, I haven’t felt that my family was complete until now…# 3 will be here in November.
Well.
I actually have Thoughts, one or two of which May Surprise You, on the whole sticky issue of family size.
And I toyed with the idea of sharing said Thoughts here, but then I began reading your comments (ALL ONE HUNDRED AND TEN OF THEM), and encountered impassioned words and deeply held convictions and a wee hint o’ tension, all of which are utterly admirable, but which convinced me to limit the sharing of my Thoughts to the following:
Am I the only reader who gets a 1980s earworm whenever the brand of your contraceptive is mentioned?
The only one who secretly admired the way Alison Moyet rocked that Flock-of-Seagulls-esque asymmetrical haircut?
The only mom bopping around the kitchen to the synthesized beat of: “MOVE OUT. Don’t mess around. MOVE OUT. You bring me down. MOVE OUT. Don’t make a sound, just move out… ”
Hey: I never said my Thoughts were deep.
Utterly adored the post, by the way. The picture, too.