P and I have been married for ten years now. And really, it doesn’t seem like it’s been a day over nine and a half years, unless you count the nights that I am forced to watch “The Spirit of The Wild With Ted Nugent” or “American Shooter”. Then it seems as if we’ve been together forever. As if we’re stuck in a vortex of time that will never end.
Over the last ten years, I’ve learned most of P’s quirks. For instance, he likes to just use half a paper towel and leave the other half lying on the kitchen counter to use at a later time. Which doesn’t bother me at all. That half piece of torn paper towel just lying there next to the sink. Not one bit.
I’ve known for some time that he has a fear of running out of things which causes him to buy in bulk. He might argue with this, but he actually asked me last weekend if I was going to the store because we were “out of everything”. I told him to make a list because I wasn’t sure what we needed. His definition of “everything” and mine are very different.
Later that afternoon, I looked at his list.
York Peppermint Patties.
Q-tips.
Clearly, we were living like savages.
What if Armageddon began and we were trapped like rats without any means with which to clean our ears or enjoy a chocolate mint treat?
Maybe it’s because I have been so complacent as to let us run out of mints and Q-tips, that P has become a fan of the bulk purchase. When I’m making a grocery list he’ll always write “Deodorant” or “Shaving Cream” and then tell me to go ahead and buy five cans of each.
Because who wouldn’t want to spend $250.00 at the store with $150.00 of that being excessive toiletry items?
I will admit that I have been known to let us run out of important things such as toilet paper. I’m not proud, but in the interest of full disclosure I’ll throw that out there. So, I may have inadvertently contributed to P’s problem. Not that there’s any greater problem than being caught without toilet paper.
Unless it’s being caught without Peppermint Patties.
Anyway, on Saturday I decided it would be a fun activity for Caroline and me to wash my car in the driveway, which I blame on the fact that our smoke alarm had gone off four different times in the middle of the night causing me to wake up with some type of deluded optimism.
I had attempted to drive my car through several car washes last week, but due to the excessive pollen and some kind of mud rain that drifted in from Mexico a few weeks ago, the automated car wash wasn’t getting it clean as much as just smearing all the various environmental toxins around creating a substance akin to egg yolks dipped in glue.
P had some appointments to go on, but before he left he got out a bucket, some soap and a few sponges for us. He told me that I could find anything else I needed in the garage.
Caroline and I got to work washing the car which, surprisingly, wasn’t nearly as fun as I remembered it being when I was sixteen. It was hot and messy, and cleaning out my wheel wells made my back hurt because I am not in the shape I was back when I could do forty high-kicks in a row.
Plus, due to my OCD tendencies, I couldn’t just halfway do it. The car had to be spotless. I even pulled out Caroline’s booster seat and something growled at me.
I needed some Armor-all to clean the interior so I went into the garage. I really try to never go in the garage because it is old and I feel certain that it may be home to some sort of creature that would fall under the phylum rodentia. But I had to have the Armor-all, so I ventured in and couldn’t believe what I saw.
I mean, I’m not one to air my family’s dirty laundry on the internet.
But, look. Look at this.
Clearly, P has been running some sort of sideline business as a car wash operator behind my back.
Why else would one family, a family who has washed their vehicles at home maybe twice in the last ten years, need this kind of automotive cleaning arsenal?
And I can’t even talk about these orange cones.
It’s like I don’t even know who he is.
Worse than running out of toilet paper would be eating enough peppermint patties and THEN running out of toilet paper.
Iffen you know what I mean.
Wow! That’s A LOT of car cleaning products. But this I could probably iganore…the paper towel thing would drive me insane though.
Your post reminds me of how my daddy would buy vitalis when I was growing up, in bulk, whenever it went on sale. No one could ever have enough hair grease to slick their hair back you know.
I love your stock pile of auto cleaning supplies, that picture is priceless.
Our quirks drive us to buy in bulk too. We moved this past summer and were astounded at the number of rolls of toilet paper we had to unpack.
We are a family of five, with normal bodily functions, and did not have to purchase toilet paper for SIX MONTHS.
This is hysterical!
Seeing the way your husband has the coolers stacked up in the background (behind his stach of armour all) makes me think husbands just might all be the same.
I love it! But the best part is, they are all organized and lined up neatly. My husband would stock pile but they would be willy-nilly everywhere.
Perhaps his fear of running out of toilet paper again is what prompts him to leave half a paper towel for later. Just in case.
My husband buys in bulk, too…and it drives me crazy! I mean…that extra money could be used NOW for fun things like Old Navy purchases and stuff.
Wow. And I thought my husband was a bit anal with the car washing supplies.
He obviously is an unfulfilled car wash attendant.
When D sees that first picture, I promise you that he will hear music soar in the background. There are few things in this world that make him happier than bountiful car-cleaning supplies. I just think men like to know that if the need arose to wash 30 cars at once, THEY TOTALLY COULD.
I’m pretty sure our husbands are sharing a brain.
The labels are all facing the same way.
Oh my word, this made me laugh. And I’m secretly glad I’m not alone.
P, ALERT, ALERT, you are running dangerously low on Windex.
Oh, my. That’s funny.
Holy cow, I can’t believe he has that many cleaning products for a car. Who knew it took that much to clean a car?
Too, too funny!!!! DH and I enjoyed this post very much!!!! I had to read it outloud to him, you know! You are contributing to our quality time!
Alesha
Alright, like P, I am a stockpiler. It’s my hobby. I think we currently have about 80 rolls of toilet paper in my house. However, I must say I don’t think I have one Armor-all product. Maybe I’m missing something. Hmmm, mental note, add Armor-all to shopping list.
Buying in bulk is a foreign concept to me. I was married for 30 years to a man that not only wouldn’t dream of buying 2 of the same product, he really only wanted to buy half a bottle/can/roll,,,,,whatever! Drove me nuts. “Do you think we could get that cheaper somewhere else?” He totally did not get the “Sam’s” concept. If there were 5 potato chips left in the bag he wouldn’t consider buying more.
He was a good guy in so many ways, but he hated to spend money. I guess maybe it is not so surprising that we divorced after so many years.
It’s moments like these that it’s shiningly obvious that God knew what he was doing when he matched people up. If P and I had ended up together, we would be living in a fully stocked Wal-Mart.
Which is to say that those photos look completely normal to me.
I love it that to get to the coolers, he is gonna knock over all of the cleaning products and then spend 30 minutes getting them just right again….
Clearly the man loves buying car washing supplies, so maybe, just maybe he loves washing the car too! I know my hubby doesnt buy the stuff and doesnt take the car through the wash either, so maybe you got lucky and found the type of man that enjoys that type of activity?
I am laughing soooo hard! Maybe he uses the orange cones to direct the cars in when the car wash business is open!!
Mine’s the same way, only his weaknesses are cold medicines, Lysol and Febreze. I have to admit that on some level, I find it absolutely adorable. But I’ve only been married 5ish years and I’ve never been subjected to American Shooter. Hee hee.
That was so funny. Thanks for sharing!
Sadly, we’ve run out of toilet paper before as well. Thankfully I keep a tissue box nearby that is usually at least adequately filled.
Maybe you should buy the paper towels that are perforated in halfs. Aren’t they called Choose-A-Size or something? That way he wouldn’t have to leave its lonely half next to the sink.
I should send you the photo of the CASE of bug cleaner additive that you add to your car’s windshield cleaning resorvoir ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR. We have enough to pass down to our grandchildren when we die.
LAUGH OUT LOUD! what a way to start the day.
thank you
My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 months now and, honestly and truly, one of my great worries in our young marriage is that I’ll let us run out of toilet paper. As a matter of fact, if I had to rank that worry in a list of Things That Concern Me But Will Hopefully Never Happen, I’d probably put it in the top five. Somebody help me.
Oh, that was very funny. I’m the stocker-upper in this house. My husband asked me to pick him up some shaving gel this weekend and I naturally grabbed more than one, “just to be safe.” And also some toilet paper, even though I didn’t have room for it in the toilet paper section of the linen closet. But one thing I don’t stock up on is cleaning products. I try to avoid cleaning as much as possible and an excess of products would just remind me of that detestable chore.
Man, that’s funny. I’m bettin’ he was way ready for Y2K? Seein’ as how that played out and all…
But Big Mama, they were on SALE! Buy one, get one free! How could you pass up a sale???
With five people in my family, we love Sam’s Club.
That is very funny!
Thanks for my early morning laugh! I needed it! My husband has his own Walmart in fishing lures in our garage – just in case….
Have a Super Day!
That mud rain was something else…I got home about 2 minutes after it started, so I only got a few drops, but our church windows look awful!
Mud rain, and now an earthquake…maybe it is Armageddon!
I think P is reserving that half sheet of paper towel on the counter for the times you run out of toilet paper.
The one bain of my existence with each and every mover (understand that in almost 20 years of marriage, we have lived in, well, more than 6 states) has been what I call “The McGuire’s Massacre”.
That refers to the 5, count ‘em, 5 large totes of McGuire’s car cleaning and polishing and shining and disinfecting and whatever else annoys me about car items.
5 heavy. stacked to the gills you can barely get the lid closed, totes.
Most of the bottles date from well before our marriage, but darn it! We need them.
And the massacre part? That would refer to both what it does to my back, and the near death experience caused by the arguments had over whether we really need to keep every. single. one. of those. bottles.
P shoots. John polishes.
I guess I should be thankful I don’t have guts to clean.
Oh, this made me laugh and laugh. I wish I lived close to you, because I’m needing to clean my van.
We’re currently out of toilet paper…I thought I had another unopened package of 6 rolls in the laundry room closet, but I was wrong. And I sent my hubby to the store last night to buy some, and he came back with Chips Ahoy. I’m considering just taking the toilet paper from my boys’ bathroom—it’s the same pristine roll I put on the holder 2 weeks ago.
Nothing is more disturbing than raising boys.
That is hysterical! I would have had a fit if I had seen all those unopened bottles. I am the reverse of P and have a serious phobia about storing anything that is not in daily use.
I too have run out of toilet paper (more than once). And a couple months ago I wrote a very embarassing post about how swim diapers don’t work on dry land. I discovered this by running completely out of diapers. Oh, it was a GREAT day.
Oh, I feel your pain, my husband does the same thing. Especially q-tips, he gets really antsy if the box is less the 3/4 of the way full.
His favorite thing to stockpile is Dr. Pepper. I have strict “instructions” to pick up a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper everytime I go to the store. I shop A LOT. Sometimes, there are 7 or 8 12-packs just sitting around my kitchen. Men are so funny!
A man after my own heart. Because, why would you ever want to run out of stuff. OH THAT PICTURE MAKES ME HAPPY.
I think our men do this kind of thing b/c they take the “provider, protector” role so seriously. I mean really, if the wife needed her car washed…he could certainly provide that service for her. So then, my question is, what were YOU doing washing your own car??? My husband is the same way about bulk buying…LOVES the Sam’s Club. They know him by name there…like “hi, David, how are you?” It is too funny. Like you, I don’t get it either…bulk shopping is not my thing…unless its for flip flops that I find I love and I want some in every single color!!!
We (meaning hubby and 4 year old – not me) washed the car this weekend too – and I noticed quite an arsenal of products suddenly appear too. Where does this stuff come from?? He also cleaned the garage, which is maybe where he found all of our stuff – are you sure we’re not married to the same person
P
I have plenty of Q-tips if Big Mama ever holds out on getting you your stock pile…The peppermint patties…I will have to pray about sharing…The car wash stuff…you need help…no further comments!
V
Oh lands, P goes to Sam’s too. All of those Armoral and turtle wax products come in 3 packs. My husband has the same stash.
The man is forward-thinking, that’s all. He’s stocked up and prepared for the day that Caroline declares her pep squad/youth group/etc. is doing a car wash fundraiser and her job is to gather supplies! Looks to me like he has heeded the warnings that sunscreen is only good for a year.
My husband does the same thing! I thought it was just him, but I guess it’s something in the man handbook.
I usually leave him at home if I go grocery shopping. Otherwise, our bill ends up being twice as much.
Thanks for the laugh!
That is awesome! I’m going to show my husband.
At least P’s paper towels are of the unused variety. Headless Dad will use them and just leave them on the counter. No matter that the trash can is right.there! I call them paper towel bombs.
So you’re saying that his compulsion to store car care agents is likened to your compulsion to use Pledge Grab-its… ah yes, you are the yin and yang of the cleaning world.
That is so hilarious! My granny stockpiled cherry pie filling, probably for some emergency bake-off, but I don’t know what kind of person stockpiles car cleaning supplies. And so well organized, too! We may have many of those same things, but if we have a stockpile, it’s on accident. In part because my husband’s a slob.
That is too funny. I always try to keep one extra of things we run out of (shampoo, body wash, etc) but that picture is priceless! I love it.
I’m impressed with how it’s all organized. My husband stockpiles, too, but is unorganized on top of that. He stockpiles a strange assortment, though: pepper jelly, Parmesan cheese, Sundrop, Prego spaghetti sauce, and cold remedies.
Oh, I can see that my Chris and your P would be fast friends–they probably would be just like iron sharpening iron, I think.
Wal-mart discount aisle watch out!
I’m so sorry – but I can’t quit thinking about the cute shirt from Anthropologie that you could have, if P hadn’t spent so much money on cleaning supplies! (Obviously, I have my priorities in order!)
Okay, but does he have a Igloo cooler fetish? An entire wall of my garage is lined with coolers of various sizes and shapes. When we lived in Houston, I finally threatened that if he bought one more cooler that I was going to build an Igloo for him to sleep in the backyard!
Oh, I understand the OCD on the carwash thing. What takes a normal person 1 hour, takes me 4 hours (at least 30 minutes on the wheels & hours on the interior). Of course, I think I have an entire new ecosystem living in my car. Creatures of various sizes could probably live on the donut powder, french fries, and crushed chips under my seats. One of my favorite gifts is the gift card for the car detail!
But see? Learning new things about your spouse at this point in your marriage keeps everything fresh.
Much like the interior of a newly washed car.
That’s great. I wish my hubby WOULD stock pile things. He is the opposite. We both are. Which explains why we are always out of everything….
I LOVE the photo of the car washing arsenol. I have to admit though, because I’m a tad OCD (I think we may be peas in a pod because I know exactly what you’re talking about when it comes to washing cars) that picture gives me a little shiver of joy at the thought of having plenty of products to get every little spot out of every crevice in my van. I blame it all on resale value. Ya know, I want as much bang for my buck when I sell this van in 4o years.
I can’t believe no one has suggested the genius of Bounty’s Select-a-size paper towels. I get mine IN BULK at Sam’s Club.
Now if the husband tears off the mini size paper towel and then leaves 1/4 of a sheet by the sink, I can’t help you there. At that point he/you would need professional intervention.
I don’t get it. What’s wrong with that shopping list? And, what’s wrong with that garage. It looks totally familiar and normal to me.
I am thrilled to know that I am not the only one who has to watch Ted Nugent, we had to choose Dish Network specifically because they carry the Outdoor Channel. So, does P ask you why you don’t wear a tank top like Ted’s wife does whilst yer fryin’ up some venison medallions?
Ya know that thing they talk about that happens to baby boys in the womb… the testosterone wash of the brain? I’m CONVINCED that testosterone is mixed with Armorall. They can’t help it. They are DRIVEN by some chemical in their little brains to buy. that. stuff. My DH is constantly on me about how much junk and stuff we have piled around the house and how we MUST rid ourselves of such things to be normal people. I finally figured out how to make. him. stop. I just take him by the hand, lead him quietly to the garage, stand directly in front of the full-to-the-brim Armorall display case and stare, silently breathing, occasionally sighing. He’s quiet for a few days.
I don’t know…I think my husband could take your husband in some sort of Armour All who has more contest?! I guess its their thing like lipstick is our thing.
I always tell my friends, “If you come to our house and we don’t have York peppermint patties, you need to call 911 because we have been robbed without knowing it.” It is a staple in our pantry. In fact, I am getting ready to eat one right now. They are low fat ya’ll.
I AM NOT ALONE! My laundry room and your husbands garage could be soul mates! Yes indeed. Me and my three bottles of downey “just in case”. And we won’t talk about the tubs of “spares” in the linen closet. Costco selling deodrant in five packs – now THAT is worth celebrating
Even if I am just a single girl and all those spares must be lugged up the apartment stairs! However, when my sister runs short of . . .anything . . she can just shop at my place. In case the two walmarts between our houses happen to be out. Which COULD happen.
My husband wants to buy everything in bulk and I, too, have let the family run out of the toilet paper.
Bad wife.
That made me crack up into hysterics that sent my children in here wondering what was wrong.
But seriously, this reminds me of my mom’s house. She is never without 126 rolls of paper towels, an equal amount of toilet tissue and 15 bottles of shampoo. You can never be sure that they will stop carrying sales on these items so you have to stock up when you have the chance!
Just wanted to say I enjoyed this post so much! My husband is the same way about car stuff and I just roll my eyes and giggle. We live in a dense suburban area outside of DC so it’s not like he can do much out in our parking lot, but we have everything we need just in case!
My husband also believes in stockpiling everything. However since we don’t have a garage we don’t have any of those essentials. Can I bring my car over? It SERIOUSLY needs washing! If only you lived closer…
I felt the same way about the lack of fun washing the car in realtime generated as opposed to the same activity in my memory banks…until…THE ACQUISITION OF AN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL OBJECT: the (telescoping) car-wash brush. It utterly transformed that job into something quick and fun. And they’re available at many of our favorite shopping places for under $20.00. However, their wonderfulness is restricted to the outside of the car. What to do about the OCD tedium regarding the cleaning of the inside, I dunno.
I cannot stop laughing about the pictures I really needed a laugh today! This was just hysterical!
That is too funny!!! My DH just seems to continually buy various electronic/computer cords. He has drawers full of them… all neatly bundled up at least, but geez, how many cords does he need?!?
How sad, I just wrote a post about buying Q-tips in bulk… willingly!
I, too, am a believer in having plenty of Cottonelle (it has stripes like the beadboard in the bathrooms), Kleenex, Viva (your fault for starting me on it), Irish Spring, Q-tips, ScotchBrites, and extra combs, toothbrushes, toothpaste, Sunscreen, York Peppermint Patties, M&M’s and cashews. These are required items— just in case someone wants to stay at our Florida home when we are in Ohio. Extra stuff is the reason for having a Sam’s Card in the first place.
That’s hilarious! I have to say though…I’m a bulk buyer too. I don’t know why, really. It’s just so satisfying to buy a LOT. It’s a problem, I know.
I really enjoy your blog. I come by (almost) daily for my daily giggle. You’re really great:)
Stop by and say ‘hi’ some time. I’m hosting a giveaway right now if you’re interested…
HAAAAAAAA! Toooo funny! You know it’s always nice to discover new things about your husband, right??
This was so hilarious! I am ashamed to admit my bulk buying tendencies! I have tried to stop and it is REALLY hard. I just don’t want to run out, it would be like the end of the world if I had to “run to the store” to get some ketchup/catsup at the last minute!
you are hilarious, thanks for the laugh!
Perhaps you should start C-V-S-ing and you could save lots of $$$$$!
I feel your pain. My husband has issues with running out of socks and underwear. His dresser drawers are crammed full of them but I still hear, “Pick me up some socks (or underwear), will you?”
You seriously crack me up!!!
PS: I’ve got to hand it to him, they are all so very orderly
This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! I love it!
Oh, and like a previous poster said, you definitely need to start C-V-S-ing. We have 7 tubes of toothpaste in our cabinet that we got for free and probably 25 bottles of shampoo. If the armageddon happens we may not eat, but we will be clean!
That is hilarious! What a funny guy. This reminds me a bit of my in-laws, who always seem to have 8 bottles of ketchup and not much else to eat in the house.
Oh, we could USE some of that round here! Donn is of the “we don’t need it right now so we’re not spending the money” variety, which made life in Africa difficult, because over there, if you don’t buy it when you see it you might never see it again. They don’t do well stocked. Which I suppose meant he fit in better than I did? uh yeah.
A veritable Walmart in your very own home!!
hysterical!!!
Next time I am in the SA area I know where to stop for a quick wash.
I’m not sure if my husband knows those products exist, seeing how he makes a weekly trip to the Car Spa. My car on the other hand hasn’t seen a spinning brush with colorful suds or a buffer in ages! Think he’ll notice if I swap keys?
Oh my goodness…..I think I am married to his twin!!! Not in the car cleaning products area but in the bulk purchase dept. My husband L O V E S to shop pretty much anywhere….but he thinks you just can’t beat Sam’s Club….oh my word….and office supplies….I swear he thinks there is going to be a “pen depression”….we have at least 1,000 yes 1,000 pens of all colors!!! Pam, South Bend
Thanks for the giggles. My hubby is very similar, although his need to have abundant supplies of oatmeal and honey roasted peanuts are a bit more practical.
I buy food in bulk on purpose…but with 2 4 y/o boys and friends we can go thru 16 lil things of mandarin oranges in a day or two….DH who has at LEAST 39 pairs of MATCHED and NUMBERED socks has a standing order for socks, deoderant and razors. I have run out of toilet paper but not since second son was first born…that first emergency trip to store with 2 kids under 1 did me in.
When we moved 3 years ago, my mom and my grandma came bearing toilet paper, laundry soap, and dr pepper….ahhh here;s to moms and grandmas who know us(and hubby) well. I didnt have to buy toilet paper for the first 19 months we lived in the house. I have to this day only bought 2 jumbo packs of tp and 4 bottles of laundry detergent because for some reason my grandma has decided to provide enough for ENTIRE family. She parcels it out to us and we each have an area in her garage where she sets things to sent to the “kids”
other people get roses and birthday cakes, i get 400 rolls of toilet paper and all the laundry soap that will fit in my blazer at once….LOL
Steff
ha, that’s hilarious! You know, just in case the local car specialty store ever runs out, he can sell ‘em for twice the price and set up the kids college funds! I like the way he thinks