Well to quote the legendary group 5th Dimension, last night I didn’t get to sleep at all.
I laid awake and my mind raced with a million thoughts. And it’s understandable. I’m two weeks out from the release of The Antelope in the Living Room and I remember feeling similarly overwhelmed and anxious last year at this time. It’s a lot of pressure to have a book going out into the world and preparing for all the good and bad things that go along with that.
So that was at least part of the reason I watched the clock turn 1:30 a.m. and then 2:30 a.m. and then 3:30 a.m., but the other part was a far more serious and weighty matter.
I’d made the monumental decision over the weekend that I was going to buy a new blender this week.
Yes. This is what my life has become. I was so excited about going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy a new blender that I couldn’t sleep for thinking of all the ways it was going to make my life richer.
Somewhere deep inside me is the remnant of a teenage girl from 1987 that is weeping over the loss of a future she envisioned to be filled with all the glitz and glamour that comes with being married to George Michael from Wham!
(Let’s count all the things that were ill-conceived about that dream.)
Anyway, let’s discuss the blender because that’s what it has come to.
Some of you may remember a time about two years ago when I was on a huge smoothie kick. I was making smoothies every single morning. Delicious, healthy smoothies filled with spinach and fruit and Greek yogurt which is like regular yogurt except it’s flashier and uses Windex to cure everything.
It was while I was in the throes of my smoothie obsession that I realized our blender was circling the drain, as well it should be because I actually owned it pre-marriage and that means it’s upwards of twenty years old. So I decided to ask for thoughts on good blender options and you all shared your opinions on the best blenders out there. But then, as I am wont to do with almost everything in my life, I flat burned myself out on smoothies. And I don’t mean I just didn’t want them for a month or so. When I burn out on something I go down in flames. I read one time that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. That’s how I felt about smoothies. Don’t even talk to me about them. They are dead to me and I don’t care a thing about them anymore with all their spinach and berries and other healthy ingredients.
So I no longer felt the need for a new blender because I didn’t really have a reason for one. I mean, sure, there was a dark day this summer when I thought it might be fun to make a pitcher of frozen margaritas only to realize I had no tool with which to crush ice, but then I remembered a little concept called “on the rocks” and it was all okay.
But it was sometime last week that I decided we needed to eat healthier. And the truth is that there is no better, more efficient way to cram a bunch of fruits and vegetables into your daily diet than to just blend it all together and drink it with a straw. In my opinion that is far preferable to trying to choke down some steamed broccoli. I don’t want to sound like an elitist foodie snob, but I really only crave broccoli that’s drowned within an inch of its life in cream of mushroom soup and Cheez Whiz.
I decided that the only way to get back on the smoothie train with the fervor and excitement needed to make it last was to purchase a new blender. And I already knew I was going to get a Ninja blender from Bed, Bath and Beyond and use my 20% off coupon.
(Seriously what has happened? Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good friend.)
That’s why I couldn’t sleep last night. I was excited about buying a blender and laid awake thinking of all the things I could blend.
I had a speaking thing early yesterday afternoon so I spent the morning getting ready and ran out of time before I picked Caroline up from school. So I convinced her that it would be fun to go with me to Bed, Bath and Beyond and, in the interest of full disclosure, there may have also been bribery in the form of Starbucks.
We walked into the store and made our way to the blender section. I immediately saw the Ninja that my heart desired, but it was the slightly more expensive version than what I’d originally intended to buy. But then I realized it was more expensive becomes it comes with not one, but TWO, plastic cups with lids that allow you to make a single serving of a smoothie, pop a lid on it and take it to go. I am a sucker for a to-go cup. Can you even imagine how much less I would have slept last night had I known all the good I was about to experience with my new blender purchase?
After a quick stop at Starbuck to buy the drink of compliance, Caroline and I went to HEB to buy all the healthy spinach and berries and assorted fruits we’d need to make smoothies. I also bought some flax seed because if I’m starting on a healthy eating kick then I’m going to go big or go home. I am going to BURN that healthy eating into the ground until the sight of a flax seed makes me want to cry and I quit smoothies again for two years.
(Side note about flaxseed. I noticed that the package of flaxseed stated that it was “Flushed with an inert gas and airtight sealed for freshness”. Dear Healthy Foods, quit being so self-important. Flushed with an inert gas. Seriously?)
As we drove home I admitted to Caroline, “I was so excited about buying this blender that I didn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking about it. Isn’t that weird?” And she replied, “Yeah. I didn’t sleep last night either because I was thinking about a puma fighting a shark and wondering who would win.”
You have to admit that is such a better reason for insomnia than a new blender.