There is something that’s been going on in my personal life that I have been very reluctant to discuss. It’s been more than I can bear and has altered life as I once knew it.
It’s about my HEB.
For those of y’all who don’t know, HEB is a grocery store chain based in South Texas. The founder’s name was Howard E. Butt, thus, HEB. You have to admit HEB rolls off the tongue much better than, say, The Butt Store.
Unless you only sell hemorrhoid cream.
I spend over half my life at HEB. It is like my home away from home.
It all started about two months ago when I realized that my favorite manager, Dwayne, had been transferred to another store. I kind of knew it would happen eventually because Dwayne was the Michael Phelps of grocery store managers. (See how I just worked in an Olympic reference?)
Losing Dwayne was like losing a member of my family. He had been there for me since Caroline was a newborn baby, doling out Buddy Bucks and handing out balloons. Every time we went to the store, Caroline would look for Dwayne and run to give him a hug.
But Dwayne had to move on to greener HEB pastures.
The next thing I knew, HEB decided to quit carrying Tyson skinless boneless chicken breasts, which has required me to completely cut poultry out of my family’s diet because just the thought of raw chicken, or even cooked chicken with skin, makes me want to systematically rid the world of all chickens.
So, I’ve had my struggles with HEB as of late but, due to their South Texas monopoly, my only other option is to shop at Walmart and, frankly, I’d rather hoe my own garden.
Two weeks ago, I walked into HEB and noticed they had taken up all the linoleum. I figured we were getting some stained concrete floors and I was cool with that. I can handle change in reasonable increments, especially if it’s fashionable change.
However, over the last two weeks I have been to HEB about twenty-six times and each time the store is in a bigger mess than it was the last time I was there.
There is motor oil where the bread used to be, toilet paper where the Diet Coke was, and cereal in the middle of the produce department. I haven’t been this confused since I accidentally took twice the recommended dosage of some prescription cough medicine last winter.
I wander aimlessly around the store hoping I’ll find at least a few things I actually need. At times I stop and ponder why the wine is on the same aisle as the diapers and baby food, but then I remember Caroline’s first year of life and realize it’s just a clever marketing ploy.
The worst part is that every time I go back, the whole store has been completely rearranged again. So just when I figure out that the ice cream is across from the tampons (there’s that clever marketing!), they go and change it all around.
I kind of think they’re messing with me.
Yesterday, Caroline and I went to the store to load up on groceries. I was hot and tired because we’d already run about fifty-eight errands that morning and I just wanted the store trip to be over. Naturally, Caroline sensed this and decided she wanted to ride on one of the bench carts that create more navigational challenges than the Queen Mary in a swimming pool.
I knew it was going to be a special trip when I managed to knock over an entire display of Pecan Sandies before we’d even been there for five minutes. In my defense, it wasn’t really my fault since they weren’t on the cookie aisle but rather next to the charcoal and lighter fluid.
We went through the whole store like we were on a bad scavenger hunt while Caroline provided running commentary for everything. “WOW MAMA! YOU REALLY KNOCKED OVER A LOT OF COOKIES!!”
Finally, I had almost everything I needed, but couldn’t find the bottled water. I was desperate to find bottled water. Please, OZARKA, help me out.
I couldn’t find any HEB staff to assist me in my quest. They were all too busy unpacking boxes and arbitrarily moving around the stock. I was tempted to head back to the diaper aisle and load up a case of wine for immediate consumption.
About the time my blood pressure was about to shoot off the charts, I located the bottled water. On the dog food aisle.
Naturally.
We headed to the shortest checkout line I could find and just when I thought I was safe, Caroline yelled, “LOOK MAMA! THAT LADY IS SHOWING HER BOOBIES!”
I was too embarrassed to look around to see what she was talking about, but honestly I can’t blame that woman. She was probably hoping to attract the attention of an HEB employee to help her find the bottled water.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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If there was such a thing as a time machine, that woman showing her boobies could have been me. When my son was about 1 year old he pulled down my tube top one hot summer day in Waldbaums (a grocery store on Long Island). That certainly caused a lot of attention!
Re-arranging the grocery store is my pet peeve. I mean, not the actual act of it, but walking in to see that its been done. I’m told it some sort of marketing ploy to make me wander around long and see more things that I need (probably due to that strategic placement you mentioned). Except me? If I can’t find what I want? I give up and walk out of the store. Of course if its something desperate like an ice cream shortage I might have to resort to going to a different store. And possibly paying more. But there is no way I’m wandering around looking for something to spend money on. This is particularly effective in the South, esp. Brookshires when all of the check out clerks ask if you found everything and tell you to have a nice day. When you say repeatedly that you didn’t find anything, they start to get the message. Unfortunately I live in the UK now. No Southern hospitality…
wow this is long.
flash them all you want, the grocery store employees are probably just as clueless!
rest assured…it’s not just HEB that has these marketing ploys!
i just wish we lived a bit further south to make an HEB our “home away from home”. the closest ones in DFW (other than central markets) are too far for me to frequent. there really is something different about “the butt store” though…i love them!
You totally crack me up! I’ve been reading your site for a couple of weeks now, and you make me laugh (out loud even!) every day. And my grocery horror story? We just moved to Virginia from Fort Hood, Texas, and there is NO…HEB…AT…ALL! Not even the smaller ones without all the super cool furniture. I am still in withdrawal and have taken to sending my husband (who absolutely LOVES this idea) to shop in my stead as it’s hard to face a store without a buy one, get 12 things free meal coupon. (And see? I’ve already forgotten what they’re called!!!) Depression.
Must also say that I grew up in Beaumont, addicted to AquaNet, and am really irritated they waited until I moved to make Parkdale Mall semi-decent. So many issues, so little time…
Thanks for such a WONDERFUL blog, and know that I am sending you (and your HEB) best wishes!!
Amy
Our grocery store just did the same upgrade. Drove me insane. Why they couldn’t do this during the school year when I would have at least one child in school and not have to lug them both through the chaos, I will never know.
For a good month it was a nightmare. Now, it is fabulous and I am glad they did it. The store is much nicer and cleaner.
In the mean time, happy shopping!
“I haven’t been this confused since…”
Great line.
What’s Ozarka? And thanks for the info on where H.E.B. derives its name; I’ve wondered about that and if it is pronounced H-E-B or Heb. Clearly I’ve never been to TX.
I have shopped at HEB all my life. Since it celebrated its 100th anniversary a few years ago, that disguises my age. One of my favorite things is when young children figure out for the first time what HEB stands for. Especially the B part. Their reaction is priceless as they repeat the story over and over to anyone who will listen. I was at the new HEB Plus when it opened at 6 a.m. A store where you can do your grocery shopping, furnish your house and garden and do all your Christmas shopping in one fell swoop. And pick up 100 varieties of imported cheese at the same time.
Moving the groceries is just wrong on many counts. The HEB Central Market in Austin was originally laid out in a maze. You HAD to go through certain sections to get to others. People protested. Loudly. It was changed.
Raise your voice for all of us, Melanie. Even the lady Caroline identified with the “B” word that is not the HE”B” word.
A few months ago, in Walmart’s quest to become Target-like, they too moved EVERYTHING in the store to obscure locations.
We would shop in the morning and by the afternoon we’d return for a forgotten necessity to find the store had been rearranged within those few hours.
Despite the fact that we don’t technically have a HEB… I can say, without doubt, that we have a BUTT store in Western PA. We just call it Walmart!
Melanie, you are so funny!! seriously, you kill me! And your stories are right on. i have a five year old son and a 2 year old daughter, both of whom know more about everything than anyone else alive. I have so many stories about gorcery store horrors. for instance, just last week, when we were in the check-out line, my son asked me, VERY loudly, if I had bought Daddy’s beer! My husband doesn’t drink but he thought it would be funny to tell me to put in on the list. Apparently my son overheard him. Did I mention that my son YELLED the question at me? Oh, and I can not forget the period of time when he decided that underwear was just too much trouble. Man, the stories on that one!!
Thanks again for sharing,
rebecca
Things could get worse.
At least your HEB is still carrying the Dreyer’s Loaded Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream. I could not buy mine this week, and yes ma’am I did drive 30 miles to get it.
Your HEB must be a lot like our Meijer, located in the midwest. When they remodeled all of their stores in the area, it was a mess. I’d learn where all the groceries were, and a few weeks later everything would be moved again.
Whereas we do have have several grocery store options in my city, Meijer has the largest selection at the lowest prices. What can a girl do?
Todays post was laugh out loud funny!! All moms can relate. Thanks for laugh. If my Publix ever changes, I won’t be laughing.
I hear ya, sister.
I have no children, but the store I used to shop at did a major remodel. I stopped in there on Sunday and did the same thing, “Where is the water?”, “Where is the peanut butter?”. I felt very out of sorts. Why are they messing with my grocery shopping mojo?
Or maybe it was a combination of the 13 mile training walk I just did, trying on a t-shirt that said my size but obviously was made for a small child (which made me feel like the biggest girl on the planet), and needing to just take a shower and pop some advil.
Either way, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Oh, my goodness. This was so funny. I’m trying not to wake up my son by laughing too loud. Our Wal-Mart went through this a year or so ago when they were being turned into a Super-Wal-Mart, and it was really frustrating!!! But at least you found humor in it.
Do you think I’m going to tell my kids what HEB stands for? No way! Like they need another funny phrase to add to their repertoire! Are you pulling a HEB on your blog lay out? I sat there for a few minutes waiting for the post to come up. After a while I scrolled down and found it. All the ads are on one side on my screen. Thanks for the funny post. I was cracking up. I don’t care for those bench carts either, although my biceps are a bit bigger from pushing it around weekly. Take care, Julie
Thank you for making me miss HEB less. We are lacking the wonderful store and often as I walk into the dreaded Wally World I think how wonderful it would be to be in an HEB. But I hate disorganization more than I hate Wally World!
I don’t remember where I heard this (may have even been you!), but if I die in Walmart, somebody please move my body to Target! (or HEB)
All that might be enough to drive me to Walmart for a while. And that is saying something. I don’t even know what to say about that woman and her boobies, except maybe she needed someone to speak the truth to her.
oh my goodness, you should write a book. And if my super target here in raleigh area does anything remotely like your HEB I will definately go postal on them! best wishes with finding your oregano & shampoo.
Oh, I hear ya on the stuff HEB’s quit carrying !! I understand that they want to stock their products, but it just drives me INSANE when I can’t find my items!!
Hormel Teriyaki Pork tenderloin
McCormick Swiss Steak bag N’ season
Mr Bubble…Mr Bubble for cryin’ out loud !!
and there’s more, but my brain just hit frazzled mode.
You are too stinkin’ funny!
I’ve been through an HEB remodel and 2 Walmart remodels. Fun. In fact, in one Walmart remodel, they actually lost the fabric department. Really!
All of the HEB comments above remind me of my Baylor days, when everyone called the H-E-B “Heeb”. We all shopped there, because it was close, but Waco had the grace to offer several different grocery store chains back in the day.
Hilarious!………Lord thank you for Big Moma’s sense of humor!
Becky in NC
You crack me up! I better start wearing a Depends undergarment when I read your blog!
I just went to HEB last night. I really do not share your love for it though.(I really really loved Publix when we were stationed in SC.) I only go to HEB when I need just a couple of things–if I go to WalMart I get 50 more things than I went for. My kids were making up what they thought HEB stood for so I told them to ask. MISTAKE!! Now every time we go, they spend the whole time laughing and making jokes about the butt store!
Thanks for the laugh. I love the line about shopping at Walmart…classic. I feel the same way. I know they have good prices, but I just can’t bring myself to shop there. Hope the HEB gets things worked out for you. If not, I’m thinking some plowing and hoeing may be in your future. Ok, not. But its a funny thought.
“Desperate measures” indeed!!!
Thanks for the chuckle!
Alesha
OH.THAT.IS.HILARIOUS!! Thank you!!
And those dad-blame cookies are probably all broken now, too.
We live in Cedar Park just outside of Austin. Apparently the corporate office built and HEB here about 20 years ago and then completely forgot about it. They’ve built an HEB Plus and one of those ‘almost’ HEB Plus stores within 4 miles of this one but have yet to upgrade this store except to take out ALL the middle aisles. You have to walk all the way down to the back of the store or all the way to the front of the store to get to the next aisle. It ticks me off so bad I feel like cursing at anyone wearing a red shirt!
I was just in HEB and couldn’t find stuff that was in their normal places let alone if they had moved it!! It that post baby brain!
I love that Caroline has no filter – embarrassing for you – enjoyment for us! I may be eating my words in the near future when I learn my daughter has no filter too!
Hilarious!!! Oh my, I had tears. I’m glad I stumbled on your blog
You forgot Whole Foods at the Quarry!
When we moved here from Chicago, I had a breakdown when I discovered we only had one grocery store. No competition for great sales, or going to the 3 different stores within walking distance (although you can go to 3 different HEB’s in walking distance!) I refused to shop at HEB and for over a year I didn’t. I shopped at Target and HEB.
I still only cross it’s threashold maybe once a month- max. The one on Blanco is finally done with it’s transformation, and I am lost every time.
Oh, the memories I have of shopping at HEB in Austin – ranks right up there with the Piggly Wiggly of my childhood.
My youngest was compaining the other day at Hy-Vee that they move all her favorites around. She thought we were at Super Target and they had taken out her pretzels and icee shop. Lucky for her they give out free cookies at HyVee or her shopping day would have been ruined.
This post was hilarious. I could picture this as I was reading it.
As if going to the grocery store wasn’t enough fun, they have to move the store around every week and the children have one-liners to announce to the world.
Now I must go explain to my seven year old why I am laughing hysterically at the computer.
I hate when grocery stores rearrange, too. However, I LOVE HEB. We lived in Texas for a year and I just loved it. I really miss it now. Hope they are done rearranging soon.
Oh man. I am sitting in a very long, boring meeting, and this post just cracked me up. I snorted.
At least you’ve liked your grocery store in the past. I live in a small town and our store is called Big J, only I call it
Dirty J…for obvious reasons!
I haven’t lived in TX for almost three years now, but there is ONE BLESSED WEEK that I don’t miss the H-E-B when shopping at the grocery.
I miss it, I really do.
I miss the tortillas the most. And the coffee. And the friendly ladies who worked in the deli.
Ah memories….
Thank you for making me chuckle out loud. But I think that you missed the biggest conspiracy theory going…why is ‘the man’ trying to push pecan sandies on the whole western free world, really now??? I live in California and I can’t walk five feet without seeing an endcap of pecan sandies at the grocery store.
There is something going on, and I really think we need to get to the bottom of it.
-Joanne ;O)
p.s. I’ll keep ya posted.
Melanie, you are so funny!
I am just the opposite, I wait so long between grocery store visits that on my last trip you had to bring your own washed out milk jugs in to be filled up!
No pun intended with the “jugs” comment!
Bless you!
Pat
Girl, I feel your pain. I used to shop at HEB at 1604 and Blanco religiously and then they started the “great run around”. Like you said they rearranged everything every week. So I got fed up and started going to Super Target, much smaller selection but at least I know where everything is. Now that they finished all the construction at the HEB (I guess it is a Plus store, they have everything except a kitchen sink in there!–I mean really now–bicycles and furniture?) I hate to go in there because it takes so long to find everything. Shoot, it takes half an hour just to walk the place and not buy anything! Fortunately, my husband and daughter still like the place so I just send them on the weekends!
I’m not a career shopper. I’m just not. I admit that I occasionally frequent Walmart, though I admit that I would shop somewhere else. They have turned all their aisles onto their sides and I can’t find a darned thing.
Then Target got all jealous. They have mucked up their stores, all so that they can add an extra 10 feet onto the store. I’m all for them altering their current space, rather than ditching to rebuild, but please! Oh, and the special part is that their clearance stuff doesn’t even ring up right!
Being not a career shopper, I like to get in, get what I need and get out. I’m not one to hang around. I know the lay of the land and can fly through in 10 minutes flat.
If you are listening, any of the HEB people (we don’t have those in Ohio), Walmart or Target people, STOP MOVING STUFF AROUND IN YOUR STORES!
Thank you.
Oh. My. Word.
And to think MOST of us worry about embarrassing our daughters .. I think Caroline is going to be your social downfall
I have to tell you. I took Kati to the DMV today to get her study stuff for her permit (sigh, sigh, sigh), nad on the way managed to spil most of my tea down my shirt.
As we got out of the car she announces, to one and all. “Wow, is that what you looked like when you were nursing and leaked? Wow.”.
Hello, Bend,OR.
I’m Kelli. Here for your pleasure and enjoyment.
I’ll be here at least 4 years.
Try the fish.
I HATE it when stores do that! Just when everyone knows where everything is, they switch all the stuff around. It’s a marketing ploy–they think if they hide important items like tampons in weird places around the store, shoppers will wander around aimlessly for hours therefore buying more junk that they don’t really need while searching for whatever it is they actually wanted. So bothersome!
The butt store. Hee Hee.
I love HEB too. I’d rather chew my own arm off than suffer through super wal-mart. My neighborhood HEB is the best. They never mind when I have to abandon my cart for another potty trip for The Bean. Buddy Bucks are definitely a hit.
I hope they get it all settled soon. It is the pits when you have to search for things. Throws off the whole routine!
Oh, they did this to me once. Actually there is a Meijer in my neighborhood that is actually arranged like that on purpose. It looks like the stock boy stood in the middle of the store and threw everythin up in the air and where it landed is where it is. Peanut butter and dog food share an aisle. Have you ever seen a dog try and eat peanut butter? That is just asking for animal abuse.
Ok, when I couldn’t stand it anymore a few months ago and needed to know what the heck a HEB was, Mother Google told me it stood for “Here Everything’s Better.
No?
Please help me, I’m so confused.
Oh, and the rearranging store? I believe they know that after about 6 or 7 years you can shop in your sleep for the items you need. By messing with it you then have to pay attention again, and resort to buying things you wouldn’t have needed just to sustain you on the “safari” excursion!
Melanie,
I have to tell you that is the funniest thing I have read lately!!! I laughed so hard when you said the woman showing her boobies was just trying to get help from a HEB employee. Priceless, thanks for the laugh today!!!
Love,
Patty
Our HEB did the same thing and I must say I had to stop going. I CAN’T take it. My mind can’t handle that much change and it was starting to take a map to find my way through. I just want the small time feeling grocery store…..if I want motor oil, I’ll go to Wally World.
I can so relate with your post! I am so loyal to stores that I love and treat me right. When they change things up on me it totally throws me off! Ugh!
When my son was about 3 or 4 he said to the cashier you look like a witch. It was Halloween time and her wiry hair stuck up everywhere. Another time he said to a black cashier, did you know your skin is brown, and she didn’t miss a beat said yes and my parents are too. He said “really”.I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.
I simply must get over here DAILY!! It’s been awhile. I need my daily dose of laughter. Reading several in one setting may send me into Depends forever!!
Oh. my. goodness. Love it! And love your blog. Thanks for the laugh.
had to laugh @ the commenter getting Daddys beer…when my oldest still couldnt speak quite plainly a couple of years ago he hollered across a large aisle at wal mart…mama get daddys big pecker…he meant for me to get a case of Dr Pepper….oh the mortification our children sometimes bring
Steff
H.E.B…we say HEB, like Deb, in our house. Mama’s going to the Heb, anybody want anything? I love that store. Oh! I can spend hours upon hours, browsing the isles, putting items in my basket I don’t need, look at those pretty plates and party ware, having coffee in the deli, mmmm….those pastries look devine, browsing some more, checking out the sushi (ick), finding a pretty bottle of wine and looking it up on my cell phone, hey – they don’t have THAT color of nail polish at Target, checking out and hoping the cashier forgets to offer me the special (I can get it free), pushing my cart outside, walking past the plants, putting groceries and other unneeded items (is unneeded a word?), walking BACK into the HEB to purchase those pretty petunias and buying a bag of cotton candy.
I’m going to miss the HEB when we pcs to Ohio.
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