It occurred to me the other day that I have never shared the story that I consider to be one of the highlights of our summer. Not so much in an “Aww, that was good times” kind of way, but more in a “I laughed until I cried at someone else’s expense”. Because those moments are the gifts that keep on giving.
I believe I have mentioned that P has been the recipient of three back surgeries due to a herniated disc that insists on continuing to re-herniate (Yes, that is the technical medical term.) Fortunately, the first two surgeries were performed when we still had my sweet pharmaceutical rep insurance, which would basically pay for anything and everything, including having the Clemson Tiger band march through your living room to dispense your pain medication.
I’m not totally sure on that last part because P told me it happened after his second surgery while he was recovering on the couch. He was pretty jacked up on pain pills at the time so it might not be an accurate account, especially since Texas is so far from South Carolina.
Anyway, shortly after leaving my job and entering the dark, scary world of private insurance, P needed another back surgery. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth but, short of a back amputation, there wasn’t much we could do. He had the surgery, our insurance fought us to the death to avoid much of the cost, and we switched insurance.
Problem solved.
Except that his back is no longer covered by insurance because insurers don’t like to insure things that may actually go wrong. They prefer to have you pay monthly premiums to protect yourself against realistic scenarios such as having your arm cut off with some plastic cutlery.
But really, I’m not bitter.
The thing is that even after three surgeries, P’s back still bothers him from time to time. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s in the landscaping business, which has been known to require some digging and lifting. However, surgery is no longer an option and, let’s be honest, hasn’t proved to be very successful in the past.
So this summer when he started complaining about his back, I suggested he try acupuncture. I have two friends that had raved about the effectiveness of acupuncture. Plus, it seemed like everywhere I turned I kept hearing about its miraculous effects. (Granted, most of this information was gathered while watching the Summer Olympics in Beijing so it could have just been NBC creating culturally relevant filler between Michael Phelp’s events.)
I asked my friends for the name of their acupuncturists. The first one’s name was Lupe Gonzales. For some reason, Chinese acupuncture practiced by someone named Lupe just didn’t feel very authentic. Something tells me Lupe’s ancestors weren’t practicing ancient Chinese medicine.
When I called my other friend to find out who she went to, she told me she couldn’t pronounce his name but it started with a “T”. Perfect. That’s the kind of alternative medical credentials we need.
P told me if I’d call and make the appointment that he would go. I called Dr. T’s office at 1:30 the following afternoon and explained that my husband needed to come in for a treatment. Dr. T said he could see him at 2:30 and asked if we knew where he was located.
No. No we didn’t.
Dr. T is located right under the Wendy’s Hamburger sign. Look for Wendy’s Hamburger!
Aww, honey. Good news! You can get acupuncture and then stop for a Frosty on the way home. I don’t know if anything says “Medical Professional” like close proximity to Wendy’s Hamburger.
Except for maybe a medical degree purchased through an institute of learning that advertises on television.
I called P to let him know he needed to be by the Wendy’s Hamburger in an hour and that Caroline and I were headed to the pool. Have fun and enjoy your nice, relaxing acupuncture.
Truth be told, I felt a little envious as I headed to the pool loaded down with various swim paraphernalia. P was probably lying peacefully in a candlelit room while basically getting a massage. Maybe I could come up with an ailment that requires acupuncture followed by a delicious Frosty.
By the time Caroline and I traipsed in from the pool, P was already home sitting on the couch. I walked through the back door and asked, “How was it?”
And at that moment I saw the look in his eyes.
He looked a little like Jack Bauer after that season of “24″ when he was tortured by the bad guys. Of course, technically, that’s every season of “24″ but you get what I’m saying.
I looked at him and asked, “Did it hurt?”
“It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.”
“Seriously? The worst pain? Worse than when you had that deviated septum and your nose was packed with cotton?”
(P and I have enjoyed many medical adventures in eleven years of marriage.)
“Yes. It was torture. I’m never going back.”
“Wow. Kristie and Heather didn’t say anything about it hurting.”
“Did you ask them if it hurt?”
“Ummmm. Welllll…..no.”
“Call them and ask if it was supposed to hurt. I knew we should have gone with Lupe.”
I picked up the phone and called Kristie and Heather. Apparently, yes, acupuncture can sometimes hurt. Especially when you’re dealing with chronic pain and nerve issues.
That probably would have been a good question to ask BEFORE I scheduled the appointment for P.
Oh, hindsight. You are funny.
Thankfully, we can laugh about it now. And truth be told, I kind of laughed a little bit about it then. Not because my husband was in pain, but because I fancy myself to be some kind of pseudo-medical expert since I sold cough medicine for ten years and didn’t ask what was probably the most important question.
I was much more concerned about an unpronounceable last name that seemed to scream credibility and a Frosty. Oh, P is so lucky he gets to grow old with me by his side.
Dr. T told P that for the acupuncture to really work he’d need to come in for about four or five sessions. I think that’s how long it takes to unblock your chi.
Needless to say, P’s chi remains blocked.
Unless I can convince him to go visit Lupe.
But I’m thinking it will be a day in South Texas that’s colder than a Frosty before that happens.
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Wow…I have never known anyone to have acupuncture before. It didn’t know it hurt. It doesn’t look like it hurts when it is on the news. Bengay works really well, along with three Advil. Speaking from experience here.
Now, on to the chi flat iron….does that thing really work? What makes it so much different than the Helix one that I have?
That is the funniest story. I am sitting in my office laughing out loud!! P, I do hope your back is feeling better.
“Oh, hindsight. You are funny.”
Love that.
Hope P has found something that works.
When was that 2nd back surgery? Clemson did play Texas A&M in College Station a few years back. It’s not TOTALLY out of the realmo of possibility that the marching band traipsed through your living room. Hope P’s backpain eases at least a little bit…
good ol’ hineysight.
I have always thought that acupuncture would be painful……uggghhh, poor P.
Go Tiger!
(We live in Clemson)
Having had acupunture for a few years, it does help chronic issues if you are willing to give the time and money to it. It took me a year or so, but it completely took care of my chronic migraines.
OH BOY!! i think this was your funniest post yet! so many one liners here to enjoy.
better than a movie. hehe
my hus got up and had a snow day, now you made my morning even better.
You are TOO funny!
Love the Clemson Tiger band reference, I am a Carolinian!
Chi is the best iron, period!
Insurance, I could talk (complain) for hours about ours, but I will spare you the gruesome details and just say we are blessed to have good coverage. (And we need good coverage at our house! Trust me!)
I love the whole story, especially the Hamburger Doc!
Husband stories. They are so funny.
Acupuncture = Needles. Needles = No Way.
We’re in S. Texas, too.
With your kind of medical expertise, I think perhaps your sentence should have read, “Oh, P *will be* so lucky *IF* he gets to grow old with me by his side.”
Thanks for the chuckle! All I could think of was Bill Ingvall and his bit about using acupuncture to try to quit smoking. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth the YouTube search. 
Guys can’t handle pain. That’s why we women have to give birth.
I grew up 4 miles from Death Valley (Clemson’s stadium), so I can completely understand the mystical, healing powers of the Tiger band!
Go Tigers!
My husband’s herniated disc was finally cured by the chiropractor, after we had tried pretty much every other “traditional” option available……except acupuncture
I read your blog everday, and I have to say that this is one of your funniest posts ever!!
Oh girl. You are funny. And, um, NEEDLES. Need I say more?
“I don’t know if anything says “Medical Professional” like close proximity to Wendy’s Hamburger”….well, I’m a medical professional and we give directions to our clinic as “right across from the funeral home!” Now that should instill some confidence in my patients!
Bless P’s heart!
You know we call the Tiger Rag fight song “The Song that Shakes the Southland.” Tell P it is totally possible he heard us.
Go Tigers!
Knowing San Antonio, I can promise you Lupe has set up shop in an old Dairy Queen; and has a side business rotating tires.
Now, if P happened to have surgery in Iowa I could probably arrange for the ISU marching band to come through his room if not a small pep band made up of alumni, my hubby included.
Insurance, sigh. It’s sad when you are in pain and going in for an emergency CT scan and all you can think of is “Do I need to call insurance and get pre-authorization for this, because I can’t swing $1800 out of pocket right now”. The sad thing was it was the second CT scan in our family in just the past 4 months.
As always, you are the first place I “visit” in the morning to get my day going!
I just stumbled across your blog through Pioneer Woman and you are so funny!
I can so relate to your acupuncture story because my husband has been addicted to Copenhagen for as long as I can remember and has tried a million times to quit. I heard about a doctor (I use that term loosely!!) that uses acupuntcure to stop smoking so I convinced my husband to go and I have never heard the end of it. Needless to say it didn’t work. I guess he’ll just have to find the inner strength to quit, that hasn’t happened yet. Thanks for sharing your story.
Well, you had me laughing out loud, which is usually a no-no in the Library but I didn’t have any classes so I indulged myself and laughed alot and loud!
With my first daughter, the doctor told me she had to come before my due date or he would do a C-sect. So I did any number of crazy things to induce labor, including my first experience with acupuncture. I had needles in my ear, my hand, my BELLY, and my feet. I’m picky about my feet. And one of the needles REALLY HURT going in my pinky toe. Then when he lit. it. on fire. I knew he and I were through. I watched my toes smoke for awhile. I never went back to him. My current chiro. does accupuncture and that doesn’t bother me nearly as much. I dunno why. But now I’m almost 40 wks with this baby, I start wondering if I should give the ol’ Chinese guy another shot… And then I look at my pinky toe and re-think it.
Great post…I tried acupuncture a month of so ago for some chronic pain I experience in my arms and hands. Everyone I spoke with said it won’t hurt at all. I even had it done by a medical doctor in a hospital (although, looking back, I could’ve used a frosty after the experience). The procedure itself wasn’t too bad, but the aftermath was tremendous. I already had chronic pain, but the acupuncture made the pain worse…tremendously. I’m with P – and Id didn’t go back even though the MD said maybe next time will be better. No way!!
On a side note, I have a friend who has chronic back pain and they found relief with Curamin. It is an herb that you can find at most health stores like Wayne and Mary’s. I haven’t tried it personally, but my friend swears by it. It could help avoid expensive other treatments for your hubby.
I had to part with my Chi when I was introduced to the GHD…
Later.
What his face didn’t look like Po’s when Mantis was giving him acupuncture? Now, when someone makes a reference to acupuncture, I can’t help but think of Kung Fu Panda.
Oh, the medical stories I could share…
Sorry to laugh at P’s bad chi!
I have heard that pure cherry juice (the kind from the health food store) works well for back pain.
And it doesn’t hurt.
Um, actually the acupuncture helped my back pain. Good to know that I have unblocked chi.
“They prefer to have you pay monthly premiums to protect yourself against realistic scenarios such as having your arm cut off with some plastic cutlery.”
the woes of our the current american insurance nightmare summed up in one hillarious sentence. i’m sure obama will have it fixed in no time!
I, too, have back pain from time to time (and have also had 3 back surgeries….)
A chiropractor who uses the activator
method is the way to go.
So, go!! Ya got nuthin’ to lose.
And good luck.
Have you heard of airrosti? A lady at my church went to an airrosti (I want to say airrostifarian) for her shoulder injury and it has helped her a lot. I’m considering going for my own shoulder injury. Anyway, it’s the treatment with the cool tape jobs that you could also see on the olympics. A lot of professional athletes use it. And hey, I just learned from the website that Sinbad (the 80′s comedian from Star Search) has used it – it must be good! Here’s a website: http://www.airrosti.com/
And here’s hoping they’re located under a queso & chips sign. Or maybe a Starbucks?
Hahahah!! Good gosh, you need to write for Jay Leno (is he even still on?). That hindsight line had me giggling out loud; of course, around here, hindsight really ISN’T funny when you’re staring at in a mirror by using a hand mirror. Not even remotely humorous. Anyway, you are a fabulous writer, even if it is at your hubby’s expense. Really, what else are they good for?
Has he ever tried just straight up physical therapy? (not the kind after a surgery… but interventive — if that’s a word — back therapy?)
I’ve seen sooo many people over the years avoid surgery by going through PT. A lot of times, it can really help!
In reading through the comments I was delighted to see so many South Carolinians! I’m not a Tiger fan by any stretch of the imagination, but our youth group spent a couple of years working the concession stands at Clemson homes games as a fund raiser (they split all the sales). That was exhausting, dirty work. Not to mention those loud trumpets and tubas blaring in our ears all day. I always went home with a headache and a back ache.
I pray P finds the solution that will work for him!
Oh, poor P.! I hope y’all can find a workable solution to his back pain. In the meantime, we are laughing with you!
I too have been married for 11 years to someone with a “continuing to herniate disc”–so I feel your pain(thank goodness not his). My husband refused surgery(after doctors telling him he needed to so so)and has been managing it with specific back strengthening exercises and going to the chiropractor. He seems to get the most relief from the chiropractor. But, it does flare up and he has to be careful.
That is seriously the funniest thing I’ve read. I mean, I’m sorry for P, but really…
Thank you for digging this story out and sharing. So, so funny.
As a chronic back pain sufferer myself, he has my most sincere sympathy. I’ve had the series of steroid injections in the nerve root (done under anesthesia) and they’ve “held” me for the past 4 years. But the other thing that works well, depending on the cause of the pain, is physical therapy – namely the McKinsey method (I believe that’s the name). My son-in-law is a PT and he’s taken courses on this method and is quite impressed with this guy.
Sorry to have “solution” comments instead of “sympathy” but I have had back pain since I was a teenager and, “it ain’t pretty”…
Pardon the interruption.
21:41
And that is all.
Hey, as a person who has gone to accupuncture on and off for 20 years believe me when I tell you it will work. It only hurts when your “chi” is “blocked”. I know, hocus pocus stuff. I have been to drs I could pronounce and right now one I can’t. Just give it time!!!! My husband thinks that I am crazy but if it works it works.
My bulging disks are aching right now, maybe a frosty will help! Please stop by my blog I gave you an award!!!
I know someone else who has gone to see Dr. T. First he made her choke down some white powder to “release the toxins in her body.” Then, after sticking a b’jillion needles in her, he left her alone in the room where she spent 45 minutes CRYING because the pain was so excruciating. She tried calling for help but no one came. (They were probably at Wendy’s getting lunch.)
She didn’t go back either.
My husband has always had back problems–maybe because he’s really tall–but since he began doing yoga this summer, his back problems have virtually disappeared. Maybe P could get his own mat and join him!
How funny. I, too have friends who have had acupuncture with very good results actually. Thanks for sharing. =)
Remember the old commercial “Ancient Chinese secret….”
That’s all I could think of.
Seriously, laughing out loud here! Thanks for such a hilarious story even if it’s at P’s expense. I just recently found your blog, and love it. Thanks for sharing:)
I’ve been considering having accupucture for some shoulder pain. I’m asking around and the general consensus has been good. I’ve been told the needles are so fine that it doesn’t hurt. Thanks for blowing that theory for me.
hugely funnny!
My husband is a herniated disk sufferer as well, I know how much it can hinder your life. As mentioned by a previous reader, he has had great success with the steroid epidurals. Actually, the first round was not successful, but the second round the doc was able to place it in two spots simultaneously and he’s been pain free for 2 years!
Oh, I hadn’t even thought about trying the accupuncture!!! Makes me hurt just thinking about it. I think I’ve tried just about everything else except surgery. I’ve heard you often get only temporary relief from it, and as a P.T., I would recommend he try to find a good therapist who is certified in the McKenzie method for treatment of low back pain. (Focuses on extension exercises and core strengthening.) I herniated a disc several months ago while working with a very large patient, and after feeling better for months, I’ve had a recurrence. (It’s tough to avoid lifting when your job requires it!) I just went for my first epidural steroid injection today. Have heard many success stories and pray this is going to be the treatment that works. Perry may want to give it a try if the therapy doesn’t help. Will keep you both in my prayers.
Oh my goodness. I’m sorry, but I was laughing so hard that I had to go change my Depends.
Poor P. But lucky us, that you shared.
Chiropractor? I work for one but it may have been more beneficial before the surgeries. We don’t use needles and typically very little pain involved.
Funny story though.
Mel~ you are so entertaining, even at hubby’s expense. It’s always a joy to stop by your blog.
Tater Daddy has back woes — degenerative disc disorder — so he’s pretty much always feeling some degree of discomfort. He has about four or five discs that are in bad shape, and surgery isn’t an option. Several friends have suggested acupuncture and he’s yet to give it a try. Hmmm…..wonder why?
So sorry for P.
But I’m ashamed to say that I laugh along with you. In the kindest way possible, of course.
i was a drug rep for 13 years, and i’m convinced i’m practically a doctor now
just like you, i miss those A M A Z I N G benefits!
Maybe P isn’t the best candidate for alternative medicine.
Tater Daddy has back woes — degenerative disc disorder — so he’s pretty much always feeling some degree of discomfort
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