A normal weekday morning around here usually consists of Caroline waking up, eating Lucky Charms (without milk) in my bed and watching “Little Einsteins”. I like to use this time for some quiet meditation and deep breathing, also known as getting an extra twenty minutes of sleep courtesy of the television while my child essentially eats marshmallows for breakfast.
I’d like to think she’s actually eating the cereal portion of the Lucky Charms, but I’d be kidding myself.
After “Little Einsteins” is over, I head to Caroline’s closet while whispering a silent prayer for patience and wisdom and then pick out three clothing offerings. I carry them into my bedroom like a diligent lady-in-waiting and say “Would it please madam to choose her apparel for the day?”
Right.
In reality, I lay out the three choices on my bed while attempting to strategically position the one I hope she’ll choose. That never works, by the way. I inform her that these are her three options and most days she waves her hand over them and says, “None of them!” with a mouth full of magically delicious marshmallows.
And then the wrangling begins.
“Oh yes. You’re going to wear one of them, so hurry up and decide or you’re going to be late.”
Realizing she has to choose from the garments before her, she’ll roll her eyes and try to negotiate various combinations of socks, jeans and shirts, while I issue threats along the lines of “Maybe we should just give these cute boots to some little girl who would LOVE to have a new pair of boots” or “If you wear those brown leggings with a brown t-shirt and nothing over it, you’re going to look like a piece of poo.”
Finally, she is dressed and ready for school so we go to her bathroom to brush her teeth, which is usually completely uneventful.
Until yesterday morning.
She was waiting for me to help her get the toothpaste on her brush when she asked, “Mama, WHAT’S THAT?” while pointing at the window.
I glanced over at the window and said, “It’s a spider, but it’s on the outside.”
“No, not the spider! The other thing!”
“It’s the spider’s web. Come on, we need to brush your teeth and get going!”
“Mama, there really is something. I see something fuzzy out there!”
Wanting to clear this up once and for all, I really look out the window and don’t see anything.
“I don’t see anything.”
“No, Mama. Look over there. It’s fuzzy!”
And then I really look at where she’s pointing.
This is what I saw.
The untrained eye might not know what that is, but I knew immediately that it was a raccoon perched on the neighbor’s chimney.
You see, the house next door to us has been vacant for some twenty plus years. The short story is the elderly owners passed away and left the house to their two grown children who haven’t been able to agree on what to do with the house. So while they’ve spent the last twenty years bickering and arguing, their parents’ home has turned into some sort of shelter for wayward raccoons.
I’ve tried to get the city to condemn it or whatever it is they do to old, abandoned houses but, apparently, “IT JUST LOOKS SO TACKY!” isn’t really enough grounds to bulldoze a home.
Anyway, I see the raccoon and since I am highly skilled in all things wildlife related, I immediately begin to bang loudly on the bathroom window in an attempt to get the raccoon to turn around or run away or something.
It doesn’t budge.
I bang loudly again.
Nothing.
Caroline is taking all this in, looks me straight in the eye and says, “Mama, I think he’s dead.”
“Well, maybe he’s just sound asleep.”
“No, he’s dead.”
Oh my little optimist.
She decides I’m not getting the job done and runs off to find the big guns, otherwise known as Daddy. I can hear her yelling, “DADDY! THERE’S A RACCOON AND MAMA KNOCKED ON THE WINDOW AND MAYBE HE’S SLEEPING BUT HE’S PROBABLY DEAD!!”
They head outside to do some up close investigation which basically involves P throwing a stick at the raccoon to see if it moves. It doesn’t.
Then I hear a loud thunk which I find out later was P throwing a large piece of firewood at the raccoon. Still no movement.
The raccoon is dead.
We’re not sure what caused his demise. I’d like to think he just curled up peacefully and died in his sleep, but I have a feeling in that house it’s every raccoon for himself and there may have been some foul play involved.
Speaking of foul, P is going to have to get rid of that corpse posthaste or it’s going to give us a whole new appreciation for the phrase, “It smells like something crawled up there and died”.
And of course if Caroline asks what happened to the raccoon, I may tell her that he argued with his mama one too many times about what to wear to school in the morning.
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“And of course if Caroline asks what happened to the raccoon, I may tell her that he argued with his mama one too many times about what to wear to school in the morning.”
*snort* *giggle*
I think this is a great idea!
You have such a great way of telling a story! Laughing out loud here…
Are you sure that isn’t the animal Caroline hit with the sling shot a couple of weeks back? This would make the ideal story ending to your other neighbor’s yelling.
Also, the brown leggings with brown shirt looking like poo made me laugh out loud this early in the morning. How do you guys negotiate jewelry choices?
dead raccoon and morning do not seem to go hand in hand, yet you put em together and made me laugh!!!
NEVER a boring moment at your house!
I have always been afraid I’ll be found dead like that with my head in a bag of Peanut M&M’s and people will always remember me with disgust like we will this raccoon.
I don’t think you ever have dull moments in your house! (:
maybe it WASN’T dead… until P threw the smallish tree at it!!
merry christmas,
ashley
That is TOO funny!
Have a great holiday!
Your friends at CWDKids
Lord have mercy, I love your posts. You make me smile and laugh.
You are a great place to stop by first thing in the morning. Thanks for sharing your awesome writing with us-and your family, too!
How else are we supposed to teach our children important lessons in life?
You are such a good story teller. No one else could relate a story about discovering a dead raccoon and make me laugh so unbelievably hard.
That’s it – I’ve officially decided that there is NO way my life could be as interesting as yours! I just don’t have the material…
OMGooooodness that made me laugh! So true about the clothes (and I not only have a 4 year old girl to fight with, but my 6 year old boy is WORSE!). At least my 11 month old has learned the power that awaits her….just yet!!!
Hilarious about the raccoon….I can just here her declaring with all the confidence of a 5 year old, “It’s DEAD!”
Thanks for the laughs….as always.
Um, thanks for posting a picture of a dead raccoon on your blog? I can tell you that is officially something that I’ve never seen, at least anywhere except the roadway.
Maybe it’s a raccoon crack house and this little guy’s unfortunate life choices did him in. In that case, maybe the city will take some action.
“Sleeping” raccoons are not the first thing you want to lay your eyes on, huh?
My two oldest girls (most especially the oldest) gave me a solid 4,000 gray hairs over the issues of clothing. I did the exact same thing as you and when it started to blow up I pulled in the reins. Her (my) favorite outfits were never getting picked!
So. I gave her three days and I got the other two. Full stop. Any bickering would mean that I was in control of all five. Certainly she ended up with the better end of the deal but I still got some wear out of those mary janes
I’m still laughing!
Sounds to me like that raccoon might be your ticket to getting rid of that house. I think you saw it foaming at the mouth before it keeled over (wink, wink).
ohh, THIS is the stuff sit-coms are made of. start planning your emmy acceptance speech and dress NOW. this is too good to keep to blog-ville!! merry Christmas!
Nothing like a dead racoon to get me going this morning. I think I’ll be skipping breakfast this morning.
But this reminds me of the story my Mom tells about when she was pregnant with my sister and she was a stay-at-home mom. She said she was sitting on the couch and noticed out of the corner of her eye a lizard run up a lamp she had sitting on a coffee table. She said she screamed and the thing quit moving. But my Mom said she sat there over an hour watching the lizard until my Daddy got home. She told him to go over to lamp and catch the lizard and escort him outside. However, when my Daddy walked up to the lizard he noticed it wasn’t moving. He touched it and the thing fell over. Apparently my Mom’s screaming gave it a heart attack! Only my Mom could do something like that!!!
Ok you need a caption saying – do not read while eating breakfast or really eating anything at all …
YUCK!
And it reminded me of the dead mouse we have rotting in our attic that we can not get out b/c he positioned himself deep within the wall and then DIED
And now the hall closet STINKS
UGH!
Animals – they can be so gross!
But I do think telling Caroline the raccoon argued too much with its mom is a great idea – I might use it myself – hehe
HAve a great day
Kim
Oh, that’s terrible. Raccoons are pesky things – I had one move into our attic the same day I brought Photobaby home from the hospital last year. Fun stuff. (Read more here if you want: http://tinyurl.com/4k5s8u)
Good luck getting it removed!!
I don’t feel so bad now that my mom’s family hasn’t done anything about my grandma’s house since she passed away three years ago. Dysfunction runs deep in families and takes on many various forms and manifestations, including empty abandoned homes.
Take care,
Julie
What a precious Christmas post!
I dropped the girls off at carpool this morning, and when I returned I found a squirrel dead right in front of my house. My husband’s out of town, and I have eight little first graders coming over for a Christmas party today. Nothing says Merry Christmas and let’s decorate cookies like a squirrel with a squished head. I’m pretty certain I can’t bring myself to dispose of it. I just close my eyes everytime I walk outside. Do you think the little girls could just do the same?
You are hilarious. I read your blog to my husband and he agrees. Your phrase from yesterday “like monkeys with too many shots of tequila” was too funny.
So- are you every going to put this all into a book?
That’s hilarious! Did you try calling animal control? The way I see it, we pay our city taxes to cover services like that.
Merry Christmas!
Shonda
this is great.
we had raccoons at our old house. one day, i tried to take my then 1 and 3 year old somewhere and there were 3 raccoons standing up, with their paws on my glass door. they wanted in. my son freaked and yelled, “they want to eat us, mama!”
we stayed home that day.
Toooooo funny! Let me know if the scare tactic at the end works.
Enjoyed the laugh this morning.
so disturbing and humorous at the same time.
i actually got the heeby jeebies as if I were truly there.
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, seriously that is too funny, but you should tell caroline that lucky charm marshmellows are better with milk eating all the grains first and then having a concocksion of milk and somewhat crunchy marshmellowy goodness….this is how ive eaten it my whole life….they are just better after they’ve soaked a bit….TRUST ME grasshoppa!!
Im thinkin maybe the racoon died of the extreme cold…..
I love your blog. You always have such great stories to tell.
Ha! I laughed out loud. Great story!
oh, girl you are telling my story!!! I have a girl that gave me FITS about clothes everyday… when she was two she ripped all the buttons off the shirt I put on her because she didn’t want to wear it… it was very incredible Hulk-ish…and what made me comment is that I would have told her that’s why he died also!!!
You live next door to an empty house?!? That’s been empty for twenty years? And you don’t have ghost nightmares? I’d be petrified.
But you could try the raccoon thing on the city. They’re a fire hazard. They eat through wires and cause attics to catch on fire. Or maybe that’s only if there’s actually electricity flowing to the house. So maybe you should sneak in there, confront your ghostly fears, and turn on some lights. Then it could catch fire and your raccoon problem could be gone!
Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!
I like the idea of telling Caroline that the raccoon argued with his Mama one time too many. That ranks right up there with my blogging friend who told her 3 yr old that he would look like a witch with green skin if he did not eat his veggies. All is fair in love and parenthood! Good luck with getting rid of the raccoons and the vacant house too!
Priceless. And it gives me so much food for though, but will keep it to a minimum. Thank you for reminding me why it’s worth it to wash their school uniforms every weekend, I don’t have to have this argument, it’s simple, tan skirt or black? Purple shirt or black? We’re done. Also I want to let you know a home doesn’t have to abandoned to attract those wonderful (ahem) little creatures. A couple months ago we camr home from an impromptu late evening movie with the kids. We pulled into the driveway and everyone piled out of hubby’s truck when suddenly we all here, “Get back in the truck, get back in the truck.” Thankfully all obeyed and we climbed in to watch a racoon make his way slowly off our roof and down the driveway and off through the neighbor’s yard. Thank goodness no one did their usualy jump and run out of the truck or they could have it landing on their head! Yikes!
omg. This is one of the funniest stories that I have heard. And it sounds like what would happen at my house with the two 6 year olds…only you’d have to replace the racoon with a desert Jackrabbit.
Thanks for sharing.
I completely agree with Shelly… didn’t you see it foaming at the mouth right before it died? Haven’t you seen a lot of them over there in and out of that house?
Too funny!
you make me laugh! Aaah the joys of living in TX…
Your Caroline is a quick study! She obviously is putting her hunting expertise to use! Such a cute story.
“some quiet meditation and deep breathing, also known as getting an extra twenty minutes of sleep ”
YES!!
I’ll bet he was trying to get in and got his head stuck in the hole and couldn’t move, so he expired.
We saw a squirrel who got stuck exploring a bird house that was on the ground for some reason. He had starved to death and died in the hole. His body was dried up and still there I don’t know how long afterward. And this was right outside the big picture window at our library where all the little toddlers could walk over and see it! It took weeks for it to disappear after I noticed it!
Oh, I’m cracking up over here. I think I might pitch a Big Mama/Caroline reality show to NBC. Think they’d go for it? Because that is sooo funny!
That’s too funny!!
Go with he sassed his momma. If you’re really twisted you could come up with the whole raccoon fairy who knocks little kids upside the head for sassing their momma.
Maybe this is why I don’t have a daughter?
Oh my word. There are so many great nuggets in this post!! Caroline’s wardrobe choices, the racoon…
But, I am captivated by the feuding family. 20 years to prove a point, brings new meaning to sibling rivalry.
As soon as I saw the picture, I knew there was something foul in Denmark. Raccoons do not let you take their photo in the daytime.
Wonder what else has crawled up in there? Scary.
O.K. you seriously have to win an award for this kind of writitg! You are SO STINKIN’ funny! I love your sense of humor and I’m so glad I can read your blog. We could all use a big mama in our lives to lighten them up a little! Thanks!
Jenny from VA
Oh that is fantastic! I go thru that very same clothing negotiation every single day! On Tuesday Amy left the house in a pair of pink tennies, white tights, a white halter sundress, a turquoise turtleneck and a navy and beige poncho. It was the ultimate in mother/daughter clothing compromise. I tried to channel you. “What would Big Mama do? How do I get a 4 1/2 year old to NOT wear a summer dress on December 16th!?”
Fortunately, there were no dead animals involved in our negotiating standoff.
Cracking up right now!Ya’ll are a hoot!
Thank you sooooo much you make me smile…
you have a real gift….thanks for sharing
P.S. I would call the health dept and the DNR….what is any of those critters has rabies ????? or other things that humans or their pets can “catch”
Oh my gosh! I just stumbled upon your blog yesterday and I’m sure glad I did. You are hilarious!
Oh girl, I knew immediately what it was! Did I tell you about our family of 3 raccoons that were living in our tree out back? Yes, my Dad the hunter had to trap two of them himself because when I called pest control it was going to be around $500!!!!! We saw the third one walking like he was drunk to the tree & we did have to call pest control then because he expired also. Thank goodness we called because that smell would’ve been horrible! You can take the girl out of the country, but well, you know the rest….
We actually had a squirrel die in our floor/wall of an old apartment when we were first married! The smell was HORRID!! At least now it’s winter, summer is bad for this kind of thing …
Oh, and they had to replace the whole side of the building and roof. Neat.
loved the story, and on the same/kinda different note…your writing is so good!
:: Taylor
Oh, the “Piece of Poo” thing got me again. Thanks for the good laugh!
And, as I have had horrible experiences with squirrels myself and suspect that raccoons are much better, it seems that he will be less trouble in the long-run this way, although the short-run disposal process may stink. . . oh that was too punny.
I think I am going to pee my pants. That last line is what got me. I have a Caroline who is ever so picky about her own attire….she is only 2…oh, what I have to look forward to. Have a good one!
OMG did you somehow possess me and live a day in my life? (minus the dead raccoon). I also enjoy that small time to “meditate” in the morning with my three year old and three month old. Seriously, your post made me laugh out loud and it’s nice to know mom’s like me are not alone!
So, the racoon house finally made your blog. It had to. It just had to.
From her ACROSS THE STREET neighbor who has no racoons, but the occassional skunk….
I think there have been one too many parties in that wild house.
You are an awesome storyteller!
And on the subject of clothes wars, my (now) 6 year old was a sight…He would have on whatever regular clothes I picked out for him (I know you are sooo jealous about that part) as well as his blue baby blanket fastened around his neck with a bright blue hairclip from the ’80s, along with brown/black cowboy boots. Year ’round. Even to church. Drove my husband NUTS…especially when his older sister reminded him that he did his own version as a kid. 
Hope the racoon is removed without any trouble! Poor P…hope he can get out of that job somehow!
Oh my gosh! Not a good morning!
lol. now there’s an ending to a post that i definitely didn’t see coming!
we had a similar situation with the house next door, except the live animals were cats, not raccoons (slightly less scary). i called the county, animal control, etc. and i was told that the ONLY way they could come out and get the stray cats was if i LURED the cats onto MY property and HELD them there, because they could not trespass onto the neighbor’s property without permission.
yeah, that’s what i said.
This material is classic. Poo reference, dead wildlife. So funny! My kids do the same with the Lucky Charms too, I just put the uneaten cereal back in the box. Eventually they eat it.
Ok…ewwww! And, LOL!!! Loved the last part about telling her that the raccoon had argued with her mom one too many times!
…and my grand plan for any future daughters was to let them choose from 3 potential outfits instead of giving them the option to dress at will.
*sigh*
another dream dashed on the cruel rocks of reality…
Pre-staying home with the kids I was a hairstylist.
I had a client (Janet) whose Neighbor Lady moved from Oklahoma to California one weekend to be closer to her daughter. Neighbor Lady called Janet and asked her to check on her mom’s house. Janet was surprised because Neighbor Lady’s mom had died seven years earlier. Come to find out, Neighbor Lady closed the door to her mom’s house and never went back inside. She paid somebody to mow the lawn, thereby deterring the neighbors from calling the city to complain about the unoccupied house, but she never went back inside. So Janet went inside and found all the food liquified and oozing from the fridge, rodents living in the couch, and other nastiness.
So I guess my point is that you’re probably right on the money that the raccoons are fighting it out in the neighbor’s vacant house.
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