On Monday I decided it was time to get serious about my workout regimen.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. I spent most of Monday morning doing anything but exercising, including organizing all our tax information for our accountant. So, what I’m basically saying is I’d rather write a check to the IRS than work off all the Grande Peppermint Mochas that I drank over the winter.
But, eventually, our checkbook was balanced, our junk drawer was organized and I’d played so many games of Pathwords that I’ll never be able to use my right hand to point at anything ever again. I thought maybe I had some T.V. programming on the DVR that I needed to catch up on, but all that was left were a few episodes of “The Spirit of the Wild”.
I was left with no other option than to put on my workout clothes because I’d rather exercise than watch Uncle Ted talk about killin’ it and grillin’ it.
After donning my workout apparel, I decided I needed to do something other than the elliptical machine. It’s not that the elliptical isn’t a good workout, but it’s more of a cardiovascular thing and, last time I checked, my heart rate didn’t have cellulite.
I searched for my “Fat Burning Pilates” DVD, but couldn’t remember where I left it when I last used it in March 2008. Then I had a vague recollection of opening the drawer of the armoire last December, seeing the “Fat Burning Pilates” DVD case, and feeling that I was being mocked by the smug look on the instructor’s face.
Sure enough, there she was in the drawer. Smiling from ear to ear in her yoga pants and kicky green sports bra, as if she’d never dealt with the temptation of eating a pound of cheese in one sitting. I don’t trust a woman who looks as though she never enjoys some cheese.
I put in the DVD and ostensibly began to burn fat with all the perky girls and their six-pack abs. Since it had been a year since I last attempted and failed to complete this workout, I forgot that the musical accompaniment is a shady-looking guy playing the bongos. Clearly, they are all high. How else do you explain all the joy and the bongo-playing? It’s not like they’re at a luau.
So I grabbed my iPod because I knew the only person that could get me through this was Justin Timberlake. Sure enough, JT and I got into a pretty good rhythm until I got a little too enthusiastic with one of my side lunges and fell over the ottoman, which served as confirmation of my decision to never exercise in public.
Anyway, I finished the workout through sheer determination and the thought of how good it would feel to tell that guy what he could do with his bongos if I were in the same room with him.
My feeling of accomplishment lasted all the way until the next morning when I sat down to go to the bathroom and couldn’t stand back up without using the toilet paper holder for leverage. I thought about calling for help, but, while I may no longer have functioning thigh muscles, I still have my dignity.
Of course, it took my dignity and me the better part of three and half minutes to get up.
**On a totally different note, if you have a great original product that you’d love to market, the Dallas Market Center is holding an awesome contest called the Next Big Thing. Click over to my Daily Links page for all the information.**
Bless your heart! But I’m proud of you for doing it. Will you do an extra workout for me today?
Holy Cow! I have that dvd and I can’t stand that bongo guy.
I understand…OH do I understand. It’s enough to make you want to reach through the screen and strangle the tiny 6 pack ab women.
Too funny….if you ever visit New England….you gotta give me a shout. I can see a comedy show if we visited a gym together.
I also took the dust bunnies and the heap of coats off my treadmill and got on that bad boy this week. I was hoping it would malfunction or maybe just not turn on, but sure enough…..those little orange lights lit up and I started on my trek. My trek consisted of only one Wheel of Fortune show and I never got over 4 mph. My reasons were not because I was unable to get back into running after my legs have been in a dormant stage for the past 11 months…..but I couldn’t yell at the stupid people who couldn’t figure out the puzzles with only four letters left if I was winded from the run. I mean, come on people….how can you not get WHIRLPOOL if you are only missing the L’s and the O’s.
anyway….I am def. needing to get some bongo action going myself…my butt cheeks decided that they are much more comfy a few inches lower and I am not too thrilled about that.
As far as the toilet scene…..no pain no gain…..but maybe you should get one of those medic alert “Help, I have fallen and can’t get up” thingamajigs, just in case.
have a great day!
*~Michelle~*
I feel your pain. I walk five mornings a week, but that is not holding the cellulite at bay. I had to replace my favorite Ann Taylor black pants that have seen me through thick and, well, thicker, for years and I am not happy about it! So after I waved goodbye my walking partner at the corner this morning, I tacked a little jog onto the end of the walk. YIKES! There was some huffing and puffing going on! Thankfully, it was still dark, or neighbors would probably have rushed outside to check on me or call paramedics.
Loved this entry.. actually, love all your entries. I realized this morning that you have an archive of stories I have never gotten to enjoy, since I just found you in 2008. I have read a couple of months worth now, and have tears on my face from laughing.. and even some tears from crying (Caroline telling the story about the ‘beautiful girl named Mama’).. You are such a terrific writer!
Have a great day.. starting out my day with a Big Mama story always helps me start with a smile. That’s saying alot since I’m kind of grumpy these days…
You are just too funny! I have the Jillian Michaels workout from the Biggest Looser, Thirty Day Shred and that is a killer. I feel your pain.
Trying to picture the bongo/workout combo…can’t imagine that would get me moving either.
I feel your pain. Literally. After Bob dumped me for failing “The Biggest Loser Yoga” I decided to make a new friend: our stairs. I have been doing lunges and push ups on them for the past 2 weeks and I ache…everywhere. At least I’m proving to Bob I don’t need him after all.
LOL…March of 2008? That recent?? Mine is from the 90′s! Okay, you got me…it’s the 80′s…and I think it was on beta! Yikes!
FYI everyone. I’d LOVE to see one of us win this. Big Mama you are sooooo funny and creative. Have a feeling you’d win $200 in a second!
http://www.bissell.com/If_I_Had_200.aspx
Really bongos? I think I’ll stick to using the excuse that walking the dog is enough exercise.
Oh, I feel your pain..my P90X DVD’s have been collecting some dust, so I decided this week to get serious too…since I still have 25lbs of baby weight to lose…and as I am warming up, I wonder if the P90X people have as much jiggling going on that I do?? Probably not…
Hi Melanie,
Once again, you have me crackin’ up early this morning (aahh…6:01am California time). I can never get enough of your insights. BTW…I had to look up the word “ostensibly” — nice dress-up word.
Stay blessed girl!
I too am in pain this morning. My pain is from my first day of 30 Day Shred. If it burns that means it’s working right? Please say yes.
Oh my word… I have that same DVD and the bongo guy creeps me out!! There is just something about those girls… entirely too happy to be exercising.
See, I love that kind of pain….I need a good workout! Does that make me crazy?
Hey, at least I am a cheese lover!
I have that exact same DVD! I too have a special hate for the bongo player, mostly since they keep showing him and clearly I don’t do the dvd enough (once okay?!) because I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to be doing when they are on the bongo guy! I take it as a necesssary break, evidently the 6-pack girls do not.
I totally agree. Bongos are not motivating. Kudos to you for doing the workout. I haven’t found anything that motivates me to even get started.
I am totally with you one the need to work of the winters latte’s… I just wanted to tell you about a little program I’ve been doing. It is called ChaLean Extreme. It is a 90 day circuit program. After the first 30 days I lost 7.25 inches… and wear junior sized jeans (which I didn’t wear when I actually was a junior, which was a long time ago). Anyway, it really isn’t all that hard but the results are pretty amazing. Keep up the good work!
I, too, have that DVD with the bongo guy and besides the fact that I just can’t stand to work out, the music is one of the reasons I avoid that workout. I guess maybe I should try it with Pandora…
Oh but you’ll love your booty in a couple of months!
If nothing else, you’ve inspired me to pull out my “Target Pilates” DVD and have Denise Austen boss me around. I’m just glad she supports potatoes as part of a balanced diet. Since I haven’t exercised in two years, I’m assuming I’ll be in the same situation as you were, with the whole toilet scenerio. Maybe I’ll just do 10 minutes a day.
maybe you’ll meet judge judy when you sue the homeowner because the toilet paper holder fell out of the wall, you fell over (still only half clad) and had to call 911.
oh wait. you are the homeowner.
sorry, i guess judge judy will have to wait.
and btw, that was a hilarious story yesterday. it started itself and totalled itself. that is rich!
ohkay, so i’m off to curves. you might want to give that a shot!
no sign up fee (other than a bag of groceries) and a nominal monthly fee. 30 min. 3 times a week.
i’m off!!
Am I the only one who feels that Michelle is showing off with her 4mph treadmill workout? I’m lucky if I can make it to 3mph without getting a stitch in my side.
I think really fit people must have fewer tastebuds than the rest of us. How else could they possibly resist the call of queso, butter, cream cheese, and Girl Scout cookies?
Big Mama, I appreciate your efforts. I just wish I had half of that determination. I can’t seem to do anything. I blame it on time but it may be more than that.
I just love reading your blog. It always makes me smile and feel “normal”.
Is it just me or are we seeing different colors? I swear I thought you background was blue this week.
This — “one of my side lunges and fell over the ottoman, which served as confirmation of my decision to never exercise in public” — made me chuckle and then wheeze, as I have bronchitis and cannot laugh without coughing. But it is so FUNNY! I couldn;t help it.
YOU are good medicine, Melanie!
Anyone remember the exercise video that had Stormy Omartian, Debbie Boone, Lisa Whelchel and Charlene Tilton on demonstrating the exercises? I’m dating myself, I think it was in the 80′s. It had 3 different 25 minute workouts and usually I would do one at a time. One day I had more energy than sense and decided to do them all. We still laugh about the time I I could barely get around for days. One of those shared family memories.:-)
Oh, I am so impressed with your determination to work out no matter what!
After months of deliberating over what kind of exercise program I needed to begin, I decided the Wii Fit sounded fun. I would not have to go to a gym and publicly humiliate myself. (You evidently can understand that mentality).
Most of the stores around town were out of stock, but I finally found one on Tuesday. After purchasing it, the guy kindly handed me the box over the counter, and told me to “enjoy” it. I walked out of the store whining to myself about how heavy the box was!
My first step has to be opening that box, but I am letting it acclimate to the temperature of my living room first.
Keep up the good work.
Too bad that shady tile guy tiled over the bathroom call button. :>)
You made me laugh out loud this morning! And you also reminded me of the day I realized I had been doing pilates (not well) with the curtains open. And we live right next to a frat house. Sheepish? You bet.
Oh my word. You are hilarious! This post has me laughing out loud. Not at you, of course. But seriously, “Anyway, I finished the workout through sheer determination and the thought of how good it would feel to tell that guy what he could do with his bongos if I were in the same room with him.” HILARIOUS!
I’m in trouble big time – just discovered your blog. At least now I have some form of entertainment during the ensuing March Madness – I can take respite going back thru your blog and laugh out loud to my hearts content while my husband hogs the tv watching a million hours of basketball. thanks for that! At least I can DVR all my favs and make him suffer thru hours “my” tv.
As for workout dvds – I am anxiously (not)awaiting my 2 Jillian Michaels workout videos as of this minute so that I can fit into the clothes that are suppose to be my comfy clothes – help me Lord!
That is too funny about the toilet paper stand helping you up. I have been there…..The 4 marathons I did well my walk/gait was not pretty and to sit or lie down was even more funny than when I was 9 months prego:) I love your blog, you are a wonderful gal. However, I am one who needs to excercize or I go looney. I always work a work out in my schedule…..It eventually becomes easier and more normal. You will finally hate the days you don’t do something. Even know I have dyas where the leading up to and the forst few minutes of the work out I am hating it and then I forget and after I feel better. Good luck and i look forward to your posts.
That is absolutely hilarious! I am glad that I am not the only one who doesn’t look graceful while doing at-home workout DVDs!
I feel your pain. I experience the same humiliation the morning after using “The Biggest Loser” cardio and toning DVDs. It made me appreciate my youth so very much.
Umm yeah.My sweet husband surprised me last Saturday night and bought me a treadmill.I have been wanting one for a while.So Sunday afternoon I got all motivated and said that I was going to walk an hour and I was going to do it everyday.Well,after a half hour my legs felt like jello and I haven’t been on it since.I have got to get with it!
The only reason I’m laughing right now, is because that was me after the first couple days of Jillian’s 30 Day Shred, of course I couldn’t actually SIT DOWN on the toilet it hurt so bad.
Ok, that might not be the ONLY reason I’m laughing. Picturing you falling over the ottoman was pretty funny, and beating up Bongo guy…
But, really, I’m pretty proud because I’ve successfully, since the toilet incident have made it 30 days. Does boycotting it for 30 count?
Oh gracious, I know all too well. Why is it that we even put ourselves through this? We eat and eat (or I do!) and eat and drink crappy drinks (like that Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate that I’ve just learned has like a million calories), then force ourselves to work out so hard that our limbs threaten to fall off. Seriously. Like it would have killed me to lay off those Christmas cookies? Instead, year after year, we threaten to do better, then right around the time the weather starts reminding us that summer is just around the corner, we’re pent up in a stuffy room trying to get our groove on. Why do we do this to ourselves?
You and your hilarity make my day…everyday.
Yeah me and Denise Austin have had our time and we didn’t last. I now walk about everyday and still eat my chocolate and cheese, oh and the Reese’s easter egg’s that now come out for every holiday. God knew what he was doing when he gave the recipe to whoever invented those. THANK YOU LORD!!!! Have a great day!!!
~Molly P
Isn’t that what toilet paper dispensers are for? That made me laugh the geezer laugh. Hey, I’m in the same boat. Only I’ve been working on abs with Gilad on FIT TV and holy cow, my abs are absent. I couldn’t sit up to get out of bed the second day. It’s getting a little better now. But my jeans aren’t any loser!
Oh, dear. The “I-haven’t-worked-out-in-so-long-I-am-too-sore-to-get-off-the-toilet Syndrome” happens to me, too.
I just banged up my foot on my stupid stairs and am taking a hiatus from the treadmill. Which is kind of a shame b/c I was doing so well. Any trace of willpower I might have had will be long gone when these bruises fade.
I’m in complete agreement about people who don’t eat cheese.
This is just wrong, but I read your post while eating several miniature Twix bars.
Does that make me have to work out twice as hard to work them off? ‘Cause I’m thinking that will probably not happen….
HAHA! I have that exact same video and actually pulled it out last week, after many moons of NOT doing it. I also dislike the bongo guys, but I know the video by heart (from back when I DID do it!) so I can kind of go on auto pilot. I wish I could find something new, but I hate to lay down the dough.
Just call this post the Big Mama 10 Second Abs workout. Now I don’t need to go to the gym today – not that I go to the gym anymore but that’s not the point.
I feel your pain! I too have started to work out again. I take a power pilates class at the gym twice a week; it always seems about the time my backside is in the air (no comment please) that our instructor’s ipod plays Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls.” I’m just not sure it could get worse.
Thanks for making me laugh…at you as well as at myself.
OMG – call me crazy – but I have that exact same pilates dvd. The guy with the bongo annoys me! And I get frustrated with myself because I can’t keep up with all those dance-like moves. Oh well. Needless to say – “girl in the green tank” and I don’t work out together often.
Very funny. I’m still trying to work up the gumption to get back into my exercise routine. It’s takes me a while, a looooong while.
I posted about my last gyme experience…notice the date.
http://thedomesticfringe.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/watching-them-sweat-is-hard-work/
-FringeGirl
-FringeGirl
By the way, I was pleased to see we are, at the moment, right next to each other on BooMama’s March Madness team. Well, if technically, I am right above you, but our scores are tied. LOL
Way to go for the gusto in picking Texas A&M to win it all. I just couldn’t do that with my alma mater, UTChattanooga. They play UConn in half an hour, and a 16 has never beaten a 1. Just sayin’. I love my school but I have to be practical.
Oh Mel!
You and I were on the same page yesterday
I pulled out my Mari Windsor Accelerated Pilates thinking – “hey I can do this I know it has been 3 yrs but whatever”
Wow I was so out of shape – I thought I was going to throw up at one point
My 9Yo proceeded to tell me “the ladies on the TV can get their legs up WAY higher than you mom!”
GREAT – thanks!
I feel muscles today that I did not know existed
Not sure if I am going to do that one again at least on the treamill I can cheat and go slower if I am out of breath – hehe
Blessings
Kim
I cracked up reading about you falling over the ottoman. I can see myself doing that same thing. But, I really love your music selection. JT definitely gets you in the groove. Glad I am not the only want that listens to his music and am not 21. I even went to his concert and took my hubby. It was a great time.
I’ve heard that laughing is good exercise! If that’s true, then I have had my workout for today just reading your blog! Too funny!
Oh girl dont I know it, I have a country workout video from the 90′s and I figured out that watching it didn’t make me lose a thing, HA! No, I have been doing the workout off and on for the last few years but exercise is so strenuous and i always hurt my back or get a stiff neck or something, some days I wonder if its worth it. I love walking but have no one to walk with and my neighborhood isnt the safest to walk it, busy highway. I seem to find so many excuses too.
I’ve been following your blog for awhile now and you always make me laugh
Thanks!
ROFL! I completely understand what you’re talking about! I’ve been working out the past couple of days and just about collapsed on my fitness ball and 15 minutes of running up and down my stairs lasted more like 5 minutes after everything was said and done. My legs are SO sore today! Anyways, keep up the good work! Praise God (literally) for ipods! If it weren’t for my music I couldn’t make it at all.
No more m&m’s, no more m&m’s, no more m&m’s. Frozen blueberries, frozen blueberries, frozen blueberries….. Hope that settled into your subconscious.
Now, back to my chocolate and cheese….
Still laughing – I had a similar experience last week when I went walking with my dear 25 year old sister-in-law with our babies in the strollers, and she directs us down an alley so we can do lunges for the entire length of it.
I’m 35. Still sore. Haven’t walked since.
Love your post.
I have that DVD, too. I kind of like the bongos, but I don’t like the fact that the guy is playing them in the BACK of the room. Unless he’s gay, he doesn’t need to have such a great view of the female backside.
I have a few of the other Crunch DVDs, and one of them includes a girl who is working out in jeans. JEANS. I have never understood this. She’s a little curvier than the other girls, so I’m wondering if the filmakers put her in it to say, “Look, anyone can just walk in off the street and start working out!” It’s so odd.
hahaha! I kind of want to buy that dvd just to see the bongo man!
I’m on a strict regimin of 30 years off, one year on, and since I’m 32, I’m good for quite a while. And my New Year’s resolution to stick to my work out routine? I’m meeting it!
After my 6 week post-partum appointment next week, I am going to break out my Carmen Electra Striptease Workout DVD. Oh yes, that’s right..I said striptease.
I LOVED doing that one before I had kids, and I haven’t worked out since I got pregnant in 2006. Anywho. You should try that one. If nothing else, your husband will enjoy the new moves you learn.
I hear ya. Having 3 kids in 2 years has taken its toll on my rolls. I started “Extreme Bootcamp” 4 weeks ago. It took me a week before I didn’t make hateful faces at the toilet before having to actually sit down.
Keep up the good work!!!
Side note: Don’t lean too much on the dispenser. They start to get a little loose and then one time you lean and you end up having to figure out how to get off the floor. Not good.
New to your blog via The Pioneer Woman and man, you CRACK ME UP. Love it. The Return to Standing Position post quad workout is definitely something that I am familiar with, and loath.
I joined a gym about a month ago. I have been some, but not like I should. I hate it!! I watch Denise Austin and hate her! Please pray for me! She is tooooo happy!
I hear ya girl! I got suckered in to running a 5k next weekend. This is my 2nd race in 3 weeks! I had to take a day off work after the last race ’cause I couldn’t move! Sad, so I ate some cheese and I felt better
~Meredith
Ohhhhh… it is experiences like yours that hold me back from getting started on MY exercise regimen again. I feel your pain…my thighs cried out in sympathy (ok – that sounds a little weird but..you know what I mean!).
After reading the title, I didn’t know if I should read on or not. The post could have either been about exercising or a yeast infection. I’m so glad it was the former!
Good for you. Now let’s hope you’re not too sore to make it through workout number 2 in a couple of days.
shawna-mygirls.blogspot.com
This post reminded me about the cellulite on my legs and the fact that I should start working out yesterday!
I have just recently decided that it is time to shed the “baby weight” from my child that is now over a year old and bought the Jillian 30 Day Shred DVD. She is the trainer on the biggest loser and I was thinking if she can whip 400 pound men into shape then I should be bikini bound in no time! Let me tell you, that DVD probably causes cardiac arrest. She is yelling out, “I WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOUR DYING!” as I laid on the ground panting and watching the white light at the end of a long tunnel grow closer.
OH I hear ya. After baby #4 and hitting 35 years of age my body is SCREAMING for me to do something.
I ususally stick to the treadmill and ipod BUT thought an exercise DVD might be a nice change. Too bad I bought aerobics from the early 90′s…I am sure the baby was laughing at me while I “tried” to do the steps and keep up with perky blonde lady.
But good for you Big Mama for getting some exercise in and feeling the burn.
is it a crunch fitness dvd? with a lady behind the leader girl who looks like shse regularly competes in muscle shows? that is the one i have……
good luck, keep with it, and try not to sit down too often…
That is too funny! I got a Wii Fit for Valentine’s day and have had a few days of that same thigh problem! It is horrible!
I think I may need to get into the home workout trend. I spent the better part of an hour yesterday at the gym DYING on the treadmill stuck behind a mom AND her daughter that had gazelle legs, tiny no cellulite butts and the most disgustingly cute little hip sway as they briskly walked away their non existent calories on the treadmills in front of me. Insult to injury the poor guy behind me just got a load of my wide jiggly, wobbly running cellulite hiney for the better part of an hour.
So F.U.N.N.Y! I have a Pilates tape that includes the woman assuring me that one day, I WILL be able to touch my head to my knee while one leg is still on the floor and the other one sticking straight up in the air! Which is still better than doing it at the gym because during my last attempt I made several noises that other people didn’t and then chased my ball across the room!