Yesterday morning after I dropped Caroline off at VBS (It is Crocodile Dock for those of y’all who knew what she was talking about when she referred to Skeeter and skunk spray. Well done. I am impressed with your VBS knowledge.) I drove straight to Target. Ever since the Target moved an extra seven minutes and three stoplights away, I feel as though I must plan my trips to ensure maximum productivity, especially now that the big oil and gas companies have started their annual tradition of summer thievery at the gas pumps.
I went to Target with four goals in mind:
1. Purchase birthday gifts for the 342 birthday parties that Caroline is invited to during the next two weeks.
2. Find a set of travel-sized hot rollers because I am tired of sacrificing maximum hair volume for room in my suitcase. (Yes, I still use hot rollers. It’s how I roll.) (I apologize for the pun. I couldn’t resist.)
3. Attempt to find some self-tanner for my face because I keep it totally covered in sunscreen and it no longer matches my body.
4. To spend less than $100.00 and not get suckered in to buying any Mossimo goods or Balinese-inspired tschotkes.
I am proud to say that I achieved all of those goals, although there was a close call with a swimsuit coverup and the verdict is still out on the self-tanner because for all I know it might make me look like I’m going through puberty by tomorrow.
Unfortunately, my pride in my Target success was short lived. Gulley called while I was at Starbucks buying myself a congratulatory Venti Green Iced Tea (I’ll take that with two Splendas and lacking in the deliciousness that is Diet Coke, please) and mentioned that she was in Target looking at Father’s Day cards.
Dang.
Father’s Day cards. I knew I was forgetting something.
I certainly wasn’t going to drive all the way back to Target because I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but the Target moved and it’s now approximately too far away for repeat trips. I told Gulley that I was just going to go to Hallmark and look for cards there. She told me that she’d thought about Hallmark but didn’t go there because she believes they have some big conspiracy going on involving a lack of traditional cards and a surplus of cards that talk or sing or tap dance out of the room when you open them and they charge $6.00 a card.
Because you can’t put a price on being totally annoyed by a greeting card with singing hamsters.
I kind of thought she was exaggerating even though I should have known better because Gulley and I never exaggerate or over-dramatize anything unless it’s our disappointment at Ed leaving “The Bachelorette” to go back to his job as a consultant in Chicago. But who can blame us because his departure RUINED the whole show and there is no way Jillian is going to find lasting love with any of the guys who are left. Breakdance instructors are fun to date but you don’t want to marry one because there’s a good chance he might do the caterpillar at your wedding reception and there are some wounds that are too deep to overcome.
Anyway, I went into Hallmark and it was just as she predicted. There were a handful of traditional cards to choose from and then rows and rows of singing cards. Where are we as a society that we can’t just hand our fathers a simple piece of folded paper that says “Happy Father’s Day”? Will it add to my dad’s enjoyment to have a card that features Kool and the Gang singing “Celebrate”?
Well, maybe. I mean it is Kool and the Gang.
But I know for a fact that if I bought P a card with singing hamsters there’s a good chance we’d start our Father’s Day with mild profanity and homemade pancakes.
I left the store empty-handed, then went home because it was past 10:45 a.m. which means it was time to get inside in the air-conditioning before the heat caused me to spontaneously combust.
When I walked inside I was feeling a little irritable from the heat and the singing cards, but then I got the mail and my whole day changed. One little postcard made me feel as if I’d just won some sort of lottery. I wish I’d remembered to take a picture of the card but unfortunately I didn’t think about it until it was three layers deep in the kitchen trash.
Do you know what it was?
A card from the people at Nielsen informing me that my household has been selected to participate in the Nielsen ratings. They’ll be calling me this week to let me know more about it. I feel as if I’ve just been given the keys to a magical kingdom. In fact, I’m seriously thinking about purchasing some graph paper and colored pencils to properly chart my T.V. viewing.
I’ve always looked at the Nielsen ratings and wondered “Who are these people and why do they not like all the same shows I like? What’s wrong with them?” But now, NOW, the viewing tables have been turned and I have a voice in what I want to see on T.V. Frankly, I am a little drunk with the power.
Just know that if all of a sudden you see a drastic upswing in the ratings for “Tori and Dean”, “The Bachelorette”, and virtually any programming on BravoTV, you have me to thank for it.
Well, and the folks at Nielsen for their brilliant choice in selecting my household completely at random.
I’m just so glad they didn’t send me a singing postcard to let me know.
Also, I just realized we’ll probably have to record P’s television habits as well. Good news for Uncle Ted and Ultimate Fighting!
Nielsen has no idea what they’ve just unleashed.
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Hooray!! This is very good news for FNL!
Tell P that Uncle Ted is the cover of Texas Monthly this month. And we wonder why there are people with stereotypes of Texas…We do it to ourselves. Because the heat is slowly killing our braincells. Bet its cooler at Carolyn’s Crocodile Dock.
A link to Ted Nugent Nation? That is awesome! Crack me up!
Years ago, we were chosen as an Arbitron family. Don’t know if Arbitron is still around, but they were cousins of the Nielsens.
We didn’t actually have to do anything to keep track of what we were watching – they came out and installed another phone line, which was connected to a box that was connected to our TV sets. Everything was transmitted electronically.
A little too Big Brother-ish now that I think about it!
I was picked for the NIelsens once and much like you I felt that I now had a purpose to my life. It was awesome.
shhhh, i think you aren’t supposed to tell anyone that you are a nielson family. we’ve been chosen three times, twice we had to write it all down (boo) and once they hooked on something electronically that kept track (yay). have fun!
Sounds like you accomplished your mission, but in case you’re still looking for the travel rollers–these are fantastic (been hot rolling my hair since 2nd grade, still going strong!):
http://www.conair.com/jumbo-rollers-instant-heat-travel-hairsetter-p-112.html
Oops…not hot rolling it with those same curlers–that would be amazing. Although they have lasted me at least 6-7 years.
Cool! I’ve never known anyone that was selected to be a Nielsen family. You’ll have to keep us posted how it goes.
My mom was a Nielsen household a few years back. She kept a pad and pen on every TV in the house. We had to write down the time, channel, program, etc. for EVERYTHING we watched when we visited. It has hilarious to see how seriously she took it. My husband would mention something about a TV show just to hear her say, “Did you write it down on the Nielsen pad?” She was truly a devoted rater.
P.S. I have an AWESOME set of travel hot rollers that I bought at Wal-Marts for less than $10.
Melanie, you crack me up every morning. I love your sense of humor and writing style. Thank you for sharing such a delightful blog!
Caroline is a chip of the ol’ block too.
I almost bought a signing card for my husband too, but quickly came to my senses.
We got one to. Ultimate Fighhter will get a HUGE boost from us. I mean heck we watch UFC Unleashed, Ultimate Fighter, Inside MMA, UFC # whatever that comes on PPV. And the Outdoor Channel is going to get a huge nod as well!
What is it about hunting & fighting that our men love so?
Enjoy the day!
You reminded me that Father’s Day is THIS weekend and I have yet to purchase cards. I told my husband he’d just have to call his dad and suddenly got a nervous tick. Hmmm.
I am so jealous that you get to the Nielson ratings! I’ve always wondered whose households were chosen! It seems that tracking which reruns we watch in the summer is not so useful – but we’ll look for Big Mama’s “Bravo” and Bachelorette influence on the results!
Tori and Dean! Glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks that is a very fine program to waste an hour viewing! However, I think it should be followed with an hour of The 700 Club or Life in the Word in order to cleanse your mind afterwards! Or maybe just a good helping of one of Beth Moore’s studies!
Finally the Nielsen’s have picked a home that can truly do it’s rating system justice! Have fun.
Oh you won’t need graph paper. At one time I also thought it was cool to be a Neilson family, and then I got picked. Oh my goodness. Talk about intense. I felt this huge responsibility to be so precise and I was so scared that I would be the one that got Punky Brewster cancelled. It was just too much pressure for me. Plus, once they reel you in they just keep sending them too you and it’s a lot of work.
My travel hot rollers died. I must remember to get me some more before I travel again. Because I’ve been in hot rollers since the 70s. I roll that way, too.
You never cease to keep my laughing!
As for whole face/body thing…I feel ya. My face is like that of a white person living in Alaska while my body is a bit like that of a person who has…seen the sun. I use Loreal Sublime Gelee self-tanner but I’m too chicken to put it on my face. I’m afraid I’ll be streaky, orange, or just look dirty.
so glad i’m not the only one that watches tori & dean
! i saw a preview yesterday for a new bravo show called nyc prep & i’m looking forward to it. why is it that i think it will be fun to watch rich teenagers???
So, tell me: did you already know how to spell tschotkes or did you google it? Because wow.
We were selected earlier this year & to top it all off they paid us $30.00 to do all this…& they even paid us before we mailed our journals back
So good luck!
Of course once I’m paid to do a job I’m very serious about it…& my husband was very annoyed.
Count yourself lucky…my closest Target is ONE hour away!! Oh, the horror!! At least I really make it count each time I go…
I have always wanted to be a Nielsen household! So jealous.
If you could find it in your heart to watch Burn Notice I would really appreciate it. I love that show and I have this history of every show I like being cancelled. It would be so kind of you to personally ensure it its survival. 8PM CST Thursdays on USA. Thank you very much.
I respect your hair rolling ways. I along with several of the girls in our youth group are growing our hair out for locks of love, and I need some bounce. Bounce is so much greater when it comes from you hair and not your boo-tay. I digress.
Two things….I found a swimsuit coverup almost exactly like the one you covet at Sam’s for $9.99. I purchased it lime green though and love it! Secondly, I have tons of Indian in me and tan very easily. However, I am 35 and becoming very conscious about my face looking like a piece of leather by 40. I bought some Aveeno tinted moisturizer. It’s 30spf and I really like it. I put it on over my pore minimizer and then follow up with loose powder. It gives me a break from using foundation for the summer!
I haven’t seen any VBS’s here with Crocodile Dock, but I did see it advertised in KY when we were there last week:) Also I wouldn’t be sad if there was more Tori & Dean on TV, I think they are fabulous!
Cute swim cover up. I went to Target last night and only spent $7.00. I know! I don’t know how I did it either! LOL!
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but don’t get your hopes up about the Nielsen thing. We got a card a few months ago, saying they would be calling us to set us up as Nielsen viewers. They never called.
It was as if I was back in 7th grade again, waiting by the phone for “that” boy to call as promised, and he never did. My heart was broken. Again.
For the first time in my married life (nearly 9 years), I have a Target within 10 minutes of my house. Make that 2 Targets. And I love the dollar rack. Michael’s (at least here) has a dollar aisle in addition to their rack and we’ve purchased cute monogrammed notebooks and stuff for gifts.
Can you make sure that they keep Survivor & Grey’s Anatomy but tell them they should be PUNISHED for ending Private Practice in such an overly-suspenseful/dramatic/intense way?
Thanks!
Hey, love the post! What else is new? They are fab all the time.
Anyway, I have a few comments:
1. I am teaching at VBS at our church this summer and we too are doing Crocodile Doc! I cannot get those songs out of my head. I have a feeling “I get down” is gonna be an anthem this summer in our ‘hood.
2. You TOTALLY shoulda gotten the cover-up. It rocked!
3. Try the Neautrogena foam bronzer for your face. It is the only one that I think looks natural and it is nearly impossible to streak. It’s like mousse for your face.
4. I hate singing cards. I hate spending $6 for a card. Do you have a Dollar Tree near you? Cards are 2/$1 there and are pretty cute. I mean, they only get glanced at then thrown away a few days later!
Oh my goodness, I’m so glad to know these Nielsen ratings aren’t totally fixed and really do use real people!
I totally agree about the singing cards. Although perhaps my dislike of them is linked to the fact that my mom enjoys giving them to people for ANY and ALL occasions.
TORI AND DEAN! woo-hoo, I love them too!
No fair that Josie got paid $30 bucks for doing her ratings…I only got $5 AND my hubby pilfered the cash while I got to do all the work (and listen to him and my daughter whine about me being all anal about it.) “DID YOU WRITE THAT DOWN?!”
And, we managed to get SOME type of UFC in every day at our house, too!
Excellent. Can’t quit smiling.
I was a Neilsen “family” twice in one year. Just you wait – the temptation to lie is overwhelming. You think, “I didn’t watch that show this week, but I really, really, really, really want it to stay on television, so should I put it down?” And then there’s the temptation to not admit all the trash you watch as background noise. I’m telling you, Neilsen ratings are full of ethical dilemmas.
At first I thought that Ed had ruined everything by leaving the show, BUT I would love nothing more to see him come back later in the season for a “please take me back” surprise. He did keep the rose!
And if that doesn’t happen, I may try and track him down myself because he’s way too good-looking and heartbroken to be left alone.
Yay! We have been selected twice to do the Nielson ratings & the best part is that when you complete the booklets they provide, they send you $30!
$30! That’s a swimsuit coverup and a singing hamster card for sure!
Our family was chosen to be a Neilson Family and just so you know they will put a box on every TV in the house. We tried to drive them crazy by putting a show on every TV in the house so they think we all watch the same thing but don’t like being together in the same room…. LOL
I know that Friday Night Lights is not showing right now but please, please find a way to get it in there, write it on the sides of every page if you have to. I’m just saying.
So we have something in comman! I’m a Nielson TV rating home myself! But shhh… because no one is supposed to know! You get paid for watching tv! it’s awesome and they pay you the first 6 months ahead after the initial 30 days! You get $5 per tv in your house a month and $1.00 per DVD/VHS a month. Also, if you buy a new tv they’ll give you $25. And if Nielson breaks your tv they’ll buy you a new one! It’s definetely something to look into! But once again it’s not supposed to be broadcasted to anyone if you do this! HA!
Thanks to Walmart I never pay more than $1 for a card. They’re just going to get thrown away anyways.
p.s. — I did the Shred this morning for the very first time. That Jillian Michaels is one tough chick!!!
So I was reading through everyone’s comments and I have no idea where the journal came into play but we just got everything installed and there’s no journalling to do. And $30 bucks? what? they got jewed out of money! Unless each state has a certain amonut of money they hand out I’m not sure! But our first check will be $175.00. I also forgot to mention that for signing up to do this they will give you $50.00
I had a hunch Caroline was referring to Crocodile Dock yesterday when she mentioned the alligator. Our VBS is next week and my husband (who is on staff at the church & always gets talked into things like this) is Skeeter. Good times!
Oh. Right. Father’s Day. I’ll have to get on that. Given the 2.5 minutes of effort my husband put into finding my card, I should be able to reciprocate.
We got chosen to be the Canadian equivalent of a Nielsen Family as well. Wouldn’t you know it, we barely watched anything that week and I recorded none of it (it was all journal, no electronic do-hickeys for us). But I spent the 5 dollars anyhow. Am I going to hell now?
Also, please can you NOT watch “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ I want their ratings to die. Those poor little kids do NOT need the world watching their parents marriage implode. Their new million dollar house implies they’ve managed to find some way to pay their bills. Now it’s time to let their kids be kids, in private. Thank you.
I work with Nielsen on a daily basis where I work…have fun doing your ratings!
Hilarious!
One time I asked my parents how the TV ratings system worked. And they told me about Nielsen. And even then, at that young age, I realized that was a dream job.
And then I realize it’s not a job. But anyway.
I asked how they choose participants, and they didn’t know. But they did know that my Uncle Rick and his family had been chosen at one point and they said it was a real pain.
That’s crazy talk, I say. (Then again, my Uncle Rick could probably find a downside to a cure for cancer, so this should not come as a surprise.)
So, in summary: Cool! Have fun with that!!
OMG. i just came across your blog and love it. i, myself, got a postcard from THE ratings company back in may. i got so excited i called my husband at work to share the good news. he was less than thrilled (what does he know?) a few days later i got this large packet with a questionare to complete. sadly, i didn’t get it completed before i went into labor with my first child and when i got home from the hospital someone had thrown it away. boo. it is your God given duty to complete this survey!
Hey, I HAVE that coverup from Target and I love it. I actually have it in my closet w/ my ‘clothes’ so it can do double duty. I wore it with a jacket and my 6 y.o. (today–Happy Birthday!) Caraline told me I looked like a ‘rock star’. I contemplated wearing it every day from then on.
Lucky you. I’ve always wondered the same thing as I watch show after show that I love get cancelled.
Loved the “he might do the catepillar at the wedding” comment. Can so totally visualize that one.
My cousin is BFF with one of Uncle Ted’s kids. That’s my claim to fame.
Real Housewife of the OC Gretchen (can she still be called that considering she is not, in fact, a houseWIFE) still uses hot rollers. You’re in good company.
ha! I remember doing the Neilson ratings when I was a kid. I didn’t watch TV for a whole week because I didn’t want to go to the trouble of writing it all down. Then not long ago, my husband and I and our little family got picked again. I wasn’t going to do it, but they put some money in the envelope and I felt bad about keeping their money and not doing the ratings. Unfortunately all they got out of us was about 10 hours of Noggin and 30 minutes of our local news! I have noticed an increase in Dora on other channels though. I can’t help but see the correlation!
Oh and I’m totally bummed about Ed leaving too! I stopped watching right at that moment and let my husband take over the TV.
I got the hamster card for Mother’s Day and that was (unfortunatly) the highlight of my day. We look at the musical cards as the gift from our daughter, beats trying to convince her my husband does not need a barbie for Father’s Day. She is still playing with the one she gave him last September for his birthday. They make a great sound track for a dance party, you just have to open and shut it to restart the music.
You may receive a “box” from Nielsen and
it will record every choice you make in increments of 1/4 hour. You have NO IDEA how valuable the info is to TV stations especially in your local market…..Thousands of dollars of advertising budgets rest on those numbers.
Pam, South Bend
Neilson’s are done almost entirely electronically now. You’ll only have to be present to get the little box doohickey installed, and then Big Brother keeps tracks of all your viewing habits. It’s a little creepy if you think about it. Do you still get paid 5 or 10 bucks a month?
You crack me up! It is nice to know there is someone else who has to head inside at a certain time of day before they spontaneously combust!
First, how where’s my link for Balinese-inspired tschotkes? HOW am I supposed to know what that is?
We have a Starbucks IN OUR TARGET! I’m just so sad for you that you do not. Especially now that you’re driving seven miles further. It’s just not fair.
On the cards, I did my card shopping today and went to Walgreens first like I always do. Because they usually have more cards to pick from. For me, a picture paints a thousand words. Or for my Dad, a thousand tears. It just wouldn’t be Father’s Day if I didn’t make my Dad cry with a card. Gets him every time.
I digress. Sorry fellow bloggers, I’m a comment hog!
As I was browsing cards with various pictures of dads twirling their daughters and little girls with their dad’s shoes on, Sophie would NOT stop opening that dang CELLLLLL e brate good times, COME ON!
Oh, I love me some Kool and the Gang, too. And I love the singing cards! I did…enough is ENOUGH! EVERY two seconds, celllll e brate…..
ARGGGHHHHH…. Then my niece just HAD to share with Sophie that some of the singing cards could be recorded with your voice. OF course, the purchaser of the card would need to pull out the cardboard to record.
Sophie thought she was recording. She’d open the card, RECORD YOUR MESSAGE would play, then while it sings, she holds it up to her mouth and pushes an imaginary button and says, I LOVE YOU!
So I’m looking for a card to a Poppy instead of Grandpa and I hear CEEELLLL e brate… RECORD YOUR MESSAGE…. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
Good times…should’ve just posted about it. You’re not gonna’ kick me out of the comments are you?
‘Cause I’m not through… I COULD NOT believe ED LEFT! WHAT A CIRCUS! ED left and now apparently E.D. is to follow.
Let ‘em have it with those Nielsen ratings! I got one of those back in the earlier years of Survivor when I was thrilled with the television.
Would love to get one now….
Okay, I’m through.
The End.
While I am not a fan of the singing cards- they scare the crap out of me, in fact. I do love one particular brand (right word?) of cards at Hallmark. I don’t know what they’re called but they’re perfectly square and they are the funniest cards in existance. I can’t leave the store until I’ve read every single one. Now THAT speaks to the merits of a good greeting card….and mild OCD tendencies…and too much time one my hands.
Don’t know if it’s true, but I so want to believe it….I heard ED WILL BE BACK. One can only hope.
Ok, I agree with you on the lack of traditional cards, but I am LOVING Hoops and Yoyou
They make me laugh EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
I have that cover up from Target- love it! You definitely NEED it…er, should have it!
Stick with Target for cards- they have some great ones!
What about Jake or Kypton? Kypton too physical?
I look forward to your blog posts everyday. You are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh!
Uhhhgg. I am SO disappointed! I got selected to be a Neilson rater too. I decided to log on to the website b/c I lost the envelope for the mail in. Well, the address didn’t work. So then I tried to call and the number didn’t work!!! So then it was past the deadline. I couldn’t find their address for my own envelope! I was CRUSHED I tell you. And I didn’t even know about the money! That is SO my luck.
Oh my gosh. I have ALWAYS wanted to be one of those Nielsen families. It would be like a dream come true, (which, come to think of it, doesn’t say much about my ambition, does it?)
You are so much fun…thank you for the laughs…great way to start my day!
Such a small world! I used to work for Nielsen. I actually signed families up to participate…and then trained the membership reps and then was a supervisor. It’s a pretty cool deal….you get an extra remote and a little people meter on your set. (If they’re still doing it the same way they did it 5 years ago — TIVO was messing stuff up then, so I don’t know how they overcame that hurdle. They couldn’t decide how to utilize the information about what people TIVOed because it hadn’t actually been watched yet. But I digress….) It’s all digitally transmitted in the middle of the night through your phone line. So, it’s pretty neat and besides the obvious prestige and coolness factor…you get some perks and bennies as well. They try to make it worth your while. :O) But no, you weren’t supposed to tell. I used to tell my families that it’s okay if you tell people who come into your home (they’ll see the equipment, obviously)…but don’t take out a billboard to advertise your participation. In this day and age, I would probably say…don’t blog it to the entire free world ’cause you wouldn’t want to influence the viewing habits of everyone out there. ;o)
But you never can tell…it maybe entirely different now…they’ve gotten chintzy if they’re sending out postcards. We used to send out letters by priority mail notifying our households that they’d been chosen!
Have fun with it….
rock on with your powerful self! Keepin’ it real!
My 5 1/2 yr old HATES those singing cards but his grandma LOVES them and continues to buy them for him even after he expressed his dislike (more like fear of what unknown, loud, distorted song will come blaring out of it). What can I say, grandma thinks scaring her grandchildren is entertaining. Ah, we all find fun wherever we can, don’t we?
Ok, I think my basement is flooding and I’m in denial and would rather read your blog before I deal with natural disaster issues…
My dad would have NO CLUE who Kool and the Gang are. Or were. Either way, I agree on the singing card overload.
Congratulations on the Nielsen thing! I was thinking just the other day that I would love to have the exact super power – to control the tv ratings! And since I also watch an inordinate amount of Bravo TV (though I disdain the commercials and therefore TiVo everything on there) I am glad you will represent me well. Of course I am a sick woman and I admit it and I’m not sure we need such sickness represented any more than it already is in our society. At any rate, have fun and use your powers for good, not evil!
Me too on the hot rollers – I’ve tried to become all hip with the curling irons and flat irons but is just aint happenin. I have a Vidal Sassoon set of 5 that is just right for traveling. ALSO…a church in my town is doing Crocodile Dock and they have a huge inflatable neon green crocodile hanging from their sign – makes me want to go check out their VBS
You watch Tori & Dean??? I think you give me a new reason to love you every day! Thank you for always making me smile
We were a Nielsen family for a short time. The pressure was just huge! I made the girls watch PBS and the History channel…. of course these days I wouldn’t care. We’d just watch a bunch of reality shows (me) and hunting shows (hubs). The girls? They just watch their cell phones, mostly.
“Breakdance instructors are fun to date but you don’t want to marry one because there’s a good chance he might do the caterpillar at your wedding reception and there are some wounds that are too deep to overcome”
That is going in my quote book… honestly one of the wittiest things I have read in a very long time you are too much!
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