I feel like since y’all were kind enough to follow our road trip adventures last week that I need to bring the story to a close even though we’ve now been home for two days and I’m currently buried under a pile of unfolded laundry. I’ve always believed that folding is overrated, especially because I live with two people who believe that rummaging through drawers for a certain article of clothing while messing up everything else is a form of high art.
Disclaimer: There will be no pictures from this portion of the road trip saga because the batteries in my camera died. I believe this serves as a metaphor for the last hour of our trip.
On Friday morning, Honey picked up breakfast for us from the only food group we’d neglected in the course of our travels, Shipley’s chocolate-iced donuts and kolaches. I’ve always believed that nothing gets you going in the morning like some fried dough covered in chocolate with a side of sausage encased in a buttery roll. It’s the breakfast of champions, granted probably just champions who win hot dog eating contests for a living but whatever.
Gulley and I weren’t in any hurry to get on the road so we decided to take the kids to a nearby splash pad to burn some energy before we got in the car. Will decided he’d rather go with Honey to visit Nena because Nena styles his hair for him when he visits and he’s a fan of the gelled coiffure. So Gulley and I took Caroline and Jackson to play in the water, which was a great idea until Caroline fell and skinned her knee and the top of her foot.
You would have thought we’d just amputated her leg with a dull butter knife. She was actually fine until she saw the blood and then she went into the vapors. We left the park to pick up Chick-fil-A for lunch (no, we didn’t dress like cows because I have limits as to what I’ll do for free food and I couldn’t find anything to make a cow costume with) while Caroline continued to moan about her injury and the cruelty of life. It was like a monologue from a Lifetime movie and finally ended with me interrupting her to tell the story of the little boy who cried wolf. I’m not sure it was entirely relevant for the situation, but it was the first fable that came to mind since I didn’t recall any about a little girl whose mama leaves her in Bryan, Texas because she is a drama queen.
We got the kids home and settled at the table to eat their lunch. All was well until Honey walked in with Nena and Will. Caroline realized she had a fresh audience for her tale of woe, got up from the table and began to hop over to where they stood while she said in her most pitiful voice, “Honey, I’m not hopping because I want to but because I fell and scraped my knee.”
Did she not learn anything from my recounting the tale of the little boy who cried wolf?
I told her to sit down and eat her nuggets before I started telling her another fable, perhaps one involving children who aren’t fortunate enough to spend part of their summer vacation in Waco, Texas.
After the kids finished eating lunch and got up from the table, Nena leaned over to me and whispered, “Caroline seems to enjoy ill-health.” Gulley mouthed to me across the table, “It takes one to know one.” Nena is herself a fan of any type of illness. In fact, if you ask her she’ll tell you she’s had six surgeries in the past two years even though three of those were root canals.
We thought about leaving after lunch but really wanted to see our friend Tiff and her kids. Our plan was to stay about thirty minutes so we were a little behind schedule when we left three hours later, but it was so worth it even though we were tired and ready to get home.
The drive went smoothly until we reached the halfway point in Bastrop. We stopped for a potty break and the kids all begged to get something to drink. Clearly we were a little off our game because we let each of them get their own 24 ounce bottle of Gatorade. Then, because I am an idiot, I got in the car and made the dumbest declaration of all time, just thinking about it makes me want to bless my own heart.
I turned around, looked them all in the eye, and said, “WE ARE NOT MAKING ANY MORE STOPS. DO NOT DRINK MORE THAN WHAT YOU NEED TO DRINK BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO MORE POTTY STOPS. I REPEAT, THERE WILL BE NO MORE POTTY STOPS. DRINK ONLY WHAT YOU NEED.”
Genius.
About five minutes later, Gulley and I were deep in conversation in the front seat when we heard some cheering and yelling coming from the backseat. We turned around to see what was going on and, I KID YOU NOT, Caroline and Will are having a Gatorade chugging contest to see who can finish their bottle first.
My first thought was that their ability to drink 24 ounces quickly does not bode well for their college years. My second thought was to wonder if I need to take Caroline to the doctor to get her hearing checked.
Sure enough, we had to stop fifteen minutes from home so those two clowns could go to the bathroom. I think they each went for about four minutes without stopping.
Finally we were about six blocks from my house when Will announced he needed to go again. Gulley and I both said (maybe yelled) “YOU CAN HOLD IT. IT’S JUST SIX BLOCKS.” I pulled up to my house and handed Gulley my house keys so she could take Will to the bathroom while I unloaded the car.
But it was too late.
Will had let himself out and was happily peeing in the yard right outside my house, which considering that we’re in the midst of a drought isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Unless you’re the person in black Suburban who drove by in time to see the whole thing.
The end.
Kelly says:
Melanie – you are hands down the funniest person in the world. Every word of this cracked me up!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 5:45 am
k&c's mom says:
Really needed those laughs this morning. Thanks for a post.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Sarah says:
That cracked me up.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Becky says:
Good times! Have a great week!
July 13th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Jennifer @ Here I Stand says:
Well, now, you guys just need to come on over to Germany, where public peeing is practically an art form. Can’t tell you the number of children at the playground whose mothers just lead them over to the edge and tell them to go in the trees/grass. Or, you know, at the side of the road (both adult males and children) with the cars whizzing by. (Considering the state of some of the free toilets along the highways, though, I can’t blame them.) Anyway, no one thinks twice of little boys (and sometimes girls) letting go wherever outside. Except Americans, and even we get used to it.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Halala Mama says:
Will is simply practicing for male adulthood….
July 13th, 2009 at 6:30 am
rhonda says:
Our boys enjoy the freedom of country living and have declared that only girls use the bathroom for tee-teeing. So we should have not been surprised that this past weekend, when we had company outside, that they youngest presented what I believe our guests referred to as “the full monty” from the front porch. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to catch them before we “full monty-d” the landscaping at church. BOYS!!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Gabby says:
So funny, I have done the same thing a million times. “You can have a coke, but we are not stopping again. Period. End of story.”
(ten minutes later) “Okay, that was the last stop. Really”
It is a common Mommy blunder! What a fun time had by all, I would love a donut right now!
Oh, and I laughed so hard, my daughter got invited to Chuck E. Cheese, and she told everyone, “I am so glad, Mom hasn’t let us go in YEARS”. Then she looked at me like I was a mass murderer. I knew you would understand. Score, I do not have to go with!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Heather says:
Wish I had known you were coming through Bastrop…I would have given you a big ole’ welcome at the gas station!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Beckypdj says:
Thank you for the laughs this morning!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Superchikk says:
I do hope you stopped at the GOOD gas station in Bastrop. You know what I’m talking about.
And that poor tree probably needed a drink!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Linda says:
Enjoyed your story. My grandson, when he was 3, and not 16 like he is now, was caught peeing in the library fountain. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He went outside at home all the time with his grandpa!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Amanda @ Serenity Now says:
Good for Will for taking the initiative to water the yard for you.
Good story– y’all are so brave for taking all 3 kids on such a journey…maybe when mine are older I can muster the courage. 
July 13th, 2009 at 8:01 am
soonerkk says:
Well, boys will be boys
July 13th, 2009 at 8:15 am
AmazingGreis says:
Thanks for a fun Monday morning post. way to start my day! I want in on your next road trip, for SURE!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Kelley says:
I love that, “…the vapers.” HA!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Michelle says:
What a fun trip!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Mel says:
ROTFL! I feel for you, Big Mama. Have you thought about a drama camp? I have a drama queen too. The remarkable thing is when she broke her arm, Emma was very calm and did not overreact.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Autumn says:
Glad to hear “the rest of the story.” I personally tell the “Boy Who Cried Wolf” story at least twice a week!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:55 am
lori says:
Okay FOR REAL, seeing as how you can tell ANY story and capture your readers, when are you going to write a book.
I have lots of ideas for your first one!
July 13th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Courtney says:
Too funny…now evertime I water my lawn I’m going to remember this!
July 13th, 2009 at 9:00 am
kathleen says:
Sounds like a great roadtrip. I love going to College Station we always have so much fun.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Elizabeth says:
I recently started reading your blog and I LOVE your style of writing. I too live in South Texas (even further south than you actually!) and I can so relate to your stories.
Thanks for all of the laughs!
July 13th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Married to an Aussie in OK says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! I sympathize! I have both caught my kids in the back yard behind a tree just whizzing for all they’re worth because it was far too much effort to come IN to the house to pee.
Did I mention one of my children is a girl??
Welcome home, mom!
July 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Crystal says:
This cracked me up. I am not the only one! This past Easter we were at my sister’s house with a bunch of friends. During the Easter egg hunt in her backyard I turn around and see my 4 year old with his pants around his ankles peeing on her house. I just about died!!! Of course everybody else thought that it was hilarious but I was mortified. LOL!!
July 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Amanda says:
My favorite part was aboout those who enjoy ill health. So funny.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Kelly @ Love Well says:
“I think she enjoys the ill-health.”
From one drama queen to another, eh?
July 13th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Kelley says:
At least he’s a boy. My baby sister decides to pee outside, too, just to prove she can.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:04 am
wanda says:
Oh…anybody that drives a Texas Cadillac has seen outdoor tinkling. Trust me on this.
Just another day…..
Take care of the invalid! She’s probably going to need extra TLC!
July 13th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Gena says:
What a fun story!! Thanks for sharing!
July 13th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Molly Pearce says:
HAHAHAHA!!! That was so funny and I really needed a good belly gut laugh!!! See ya tomorrow!!
~Molly P
July 13th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Amanda May says:
So funny!
When my son was three, we were driving home from somewhere and he had to GO! We pulled in to the driveway & jumped out of the car…but he could NOT make it into the house. So he whipped it out right there in the front yard. I had to help him keep it steady or else it would spray everywhere like a garden hose, full force.
When he was all done, I said “Great job holding it, buddy!”
His response: “I wasn’t holding it, you were!”
July 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Hayley says:
My boys regularly use the outdoor facilities, which we had ok’d for the back yard, but then they started using the front for “emergencies”. A few months ago, my 4 year old ran out of the church about 20 ft in front of the rest of us, and sure enough – we got outside just in time to see him watering the front grounds with his rear end exposed for all to see as they were leaving. Did I mention my husband is the pastor? Not good.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Vanessa says:
You are so FUNNY! I can’t help but read your posts with southern country accent & really slow for effect. Thanks for the laughs!
July 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
hannah r says:
It jest ain’t a road trip in TX till somebody pees in the front yard. Too bad he weren’t wearin a wife beater too.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Jennifer says:
ha ha ha ha! That was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Ashley says:
That was hilarious!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Becky says:
Thank you so much for making me laugh. I REALLY needed it!
Glad you had such a good trip.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Cydney says:
My three year old just thinks it is the grandest thing to…relieve himself outside. Of course at home, we live in the country, and there is no one around to see him anyway but in the grocer parking lot is not as okay.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Janmary, N Ireland says:
A classic end to your trip
July 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Kaye says:
What a great ending to your vacation! Thanks for the laughs:)
Blessings today and always,
Kaye
Matthew 21:22
July 13th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
tammy says:
it’s times like this i am so glad my husband does not follow blogs…and me tryin to convince him a fall roadtrip up the east coast with a six year old would be fun and educational….oye!
July 13th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
mia says:
But hey, have ya ever tried peeing outside? hehehe… there’s something to be said for it – just maybe not in front of a vehicle full of people.
such a cute story.. I can picture it happening as I read
July 13th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Jill says:
I love it. I had a mental picture of Caroline and her little friend in the backseat with on-looker chanting “chug chug chug!”
July 13th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Candace says:
Oh my word- I’m dying. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day! I love the road trip with the kids idea. I might have to see if my sister would be up for it.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Kim says:
I’m teach at an elementary school, and every year we have a little Kindergarten baby who pee-pees on the playground (thinking nothing of it), and we kindly have to teach the little ones that we pee in the potty.
Why are pee-pee stories so amusing!
July 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Marie says:
Ok now for us northerners – Hannah R. needs to explain what a wife beater is!?? I am sure I have heard the term once but I can’t for the life of me figure it out.
Road trips – gotta love em. They’re the best! It’s no wonder Carolyn and the boys get along so well – they are three of a kind. All hilarious.
Hugs,
Marie
July 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Tina says:
All I can say is hilarious!!
July 13th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Betsy says:
Until your DAUGHTER has whipped down her panties and peed on the front lawn OF YOUR CHURCH, you have not been completely embarrassed… I speak from experience, here.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Pam D says:
Oh dear me. Really. I don’t know if you’ve had a total funnier post than this one, and yet it isn’t really all that funny because it is my life in so many ways. My mother has surgeries that are closer to her than her best friends. They get trotted out at the drop of a hat (or even if the hat barely lifts off the head for a split second). I truly think she and Nena could be great friends, except that they would most likely kill one another trying to take center stage.
30 minute planned stop = 3 hours? yes. Kids doing the EXACT opposite of what you said, leading to the exact consequences you were trying to avoid? daily. I wish I were as funny as you, because I think I could laugh a lot every day, if I could just see the humor.
So glad you are home.. hope your bushes were happy with their unorthodox watering.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Steffj89 says:
oh lord..my boys have been known to whip it out just about anywhere you can name…the 6 y/o has recently developed modesty…they 5 y.o not so much…he will not only pee anywhere but he usually announces it at the top of his lil lungs as well…i have seen his shiny rear in parkinglots across the country the past two years and have tried everything from threatening to cut it off to all out bribery “yeah son that 100$ lego ship…its yours if you just pee pee in the bathroom not outside from nw on”
its both pitiful and hysterical at the same time
steff
July 14th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Mari says:
my oldest son and his best friend, as little guys, would whip it out and have pee wars in front of anything and anyone.
i am still laughing. you are such a great writer. so funny in everything you say. so vivid–i can literally see it all in my mind as i read your words.
–mari
July 14th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Robyn (3girlsmom) says:
Your kid & my oldest kid = SAME KID.
Freaky
July 14th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Emily D says:
Marie… a wife beater is a white ribbed tank top style undershirt, the kind you buy in a pack from Wal-mart. The name wife beater was given to them because if you watch the news or COPS, or America’s Most Wanted or drive through the ghetto or you will quickly learn that men who beat their wives tend to wear those classy undershirts as outer wear making them even classier. The whole domestic abuse issue is terrible and tragic. However the tank top theme is amusing.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
D'Anna says:
Glad y’all had a good time in our fair city of Bryan! We were headed your direction while y’all were here. We passed through San Antonio on our way to Garner State Park. Isn’t Adamson Lagoon the best?
July 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Shelly the Chic Crafty Chick says:
Oh my. I got such a laugh about what Nena said to Caroline. So true about folks carrying on about their ailments. And, I love it that you said Caroline “had the vapors”. I always say that too.
I just shook my head and saw my future when you said Will took care of business right there outside. With two boys, I’m sure my time is coming. If Gulley has any tips on handling this, I’d love to hear them.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
LB says:
I was in Bastrop at the same time you were! How ironic! Sounds like you had a good road trip!
July 17th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
emily says:
Thank you. My MIL owns the Shipley’s donut shops in Bryan & College Station. We just returned from a vacation funded in part by your donut purchases! Your posts make me a little homesick!
July 18th, 2009 at 2:10 pm