Welcome to the real world

One of the problems with coming home from a long vacation is an overtired child now programmed to believe that every new day is filled with fun and exciting activities. I mean, once you’ve been to Waco twice in one week everything else is just a letdown. I’m still struggling to get her back into some sort of routine that involves going to bed before 11:00 and eating something other than processed sugar for breakfast. Of course, in all fairness, I’m struggling with those same issues myself.

Yesterday morning I got up, cleaned my bathrooms and did The Shred as penance for my Krispy Kreme transgressions and I have never been more certain that my body was plotting a violent coup against my brain. It’s hard to get back to real life where everyday isn’t filled with lily pad obstacle courses and sympathetic family friends who don’t mind letting you use fifty-two Scooby Doo band-aids to cover one minor scrape.

In fact, I believe the transition to reality from fantasy is why it never works out for the folks on “The Bachelor”. One minute you’re jet-setting from Spain to Maui within 48 hours and the next thing you know you’ve committed to spend the rest of your life with a guy who wears inappropriately short green swim trunks and a blue heathered tank top. Who isn’t going to rethink that decision?

I didn’t mean to get off track, but I couldn’t let the tank top pass. I don’t know what broke my heart more last night, Ed’s sartorial choices or that Jillian sent Reid home. Note to Jillian and any other single girls out there: Pick the guy that makes you laugh. Good abs fade away, but laughter is forever.

Also, seriously think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who wears a tank top in public. Just because we live in a country where he can show his hairy man pits in public doesn’t mean he should.

Anyway, the other problem with reality is the grocery store elves failed to magically restock my pantry and fridge while I was gone. Even the dogs had run out of food. Of course they didn’t mind because P had fed them ground venison for the last few nights, which is high cotton compared to their usual fare of Purina One Lamb & Rice.

Before we left town I’d gone to HEB and bought some ham and cheese so P could make himself sandwiches for lunch. We also had some lasagna and meatloaf leftovers so I opened the refrigerator before I left and blessed them saying “Be ye fruitful and multiply” in the hopes they would miraculously feed him for a week. I don’t think it worked because I came home to cabinets that Old Mother Hubbard would pity.

I decided to bite the grocery store bullet and go to HEB on Sunday, mainly because I had no choice unless I wanted to serve dried out baby carrots, old celery, half an onion and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner with a choice of stale Chips Ahoy or expired Trix yogurt for dessert.

P had already started a list before I got home and it included what he believes to be essential items:

Dog Food
Raw Sugar
York Peppermint Patties
Nilla Wafers
Coffee Grinder

Coffee grinder? Why do we need a coffee grinder?

I’ll tell you why. The other night we (he) was watching Uncle Ted’s hunting show and an ad came on for Uncle Ted’s coffee (Uncle Ted is quite the renaissance man) and P decided if it’s good enough for Uncle Ted then it’s good enough for him. I told him I’d order it for him because I didn’t want sixty pounds of it showing up on our door step and while I was out of town he got his ONE POUND ONLY of Wackmaster Sunrize delivered. (I couldn’t make up a better name if I tried)

Unfortunately the Wackmaster Sunrize (oh how I love a “z” in place of an “s”) came in whole bean form, thus the need for a grinder.

Anyway, I filled my cart to overflowing with everything I needed to prepare delicious home-cooked meals for my family or, you know, to heat up a frozen pizza, but then I got to the cereal aisle and experienced two HUGE disappointments.

I tend to get on food kicks, meaning I will find a food I like and will eat it almost constantly until I never want to see it again and just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. My current obsession is Dannon Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt topped with granola and fresh berries. I’ve eaten it for breakfast for about three months straight which is a personal record. Words cannot express my joy at the yogurt and granola.

So imagine my dismay when I realized HEB was completely out of my Bear Naked Triple Berry Crunch granola. I am a triple berry loyalist and there is no acceptable substitute. HEB is NEVER out of the Triple Berry Crunch. I just stood there staring at the empty shelf space where the Triple Berry Crunch is supposed to be trying to will it into existence. But, alas, I had to settle for an inferior product.

Then I headed further down the aisle to buy P’s favorite breakfast food, Peanut Butter Kashi Bars. Guess what? They were out of them.

I’m not one to cry “conspiracy theory” but I believe someone or something is trying to cheat us out of our complete breakfast experience. How else do explain the simultaneous lack of Peanut Butter Kashi Bars and Triple Berry Crunch granola?

Well, other than to say that sometimes real life is hard.

Of course it’s even harder if you’re married to a man who wears tank tops in public.

Which is why I made P throw all of his away once we got married.

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