One of the problems with coming home from a long vacation is an overtired child now programmed to believe that every new day is filled with fun and exciting activities. I mean, once you’ve been to Waco twice in one week everything else is just a letdown. I’m still struggling to get her back into some sort of routine that involves going to bed before 11:00 and eating something other than processed sugar for breakfast. Of course, in all fairness, I’m struggling with those same issues myself.
Yesterday morning I got up, cleaned my bathrooms and did The Shred as penance for my Krispy Kreme transgressions and I have never been more certain that my body was plotting a violent coup against my brain. It’s hard to get back to real life where everyday isn’t filled with lily pad obstacle courses and sympathetic family friends who don’t mind letting you use fifty-two Scooby Doo band-aids to cover one minor scrape.
In fact, I believe the transition to reality from fantasy is why it never works out for the folks on “The Bachelor”. One minute you’re jet-setting from Spain to Maui within 48 hours and the next thing you know you’ve committed to spend the rest of your life with a guy who wears inappropriately short green swim trunks and a blue heathered tank top. Who isn’t going to rethink that decision?
I didn’t mean to get off track, but I couldn’t let the tank top pass. I don’t know what broke my heart more last night, Ed’s sartorial choices or that Jillian sent Reid home. Note to Jillian and any other single girls out there: Pick the guy that makes you laugh. Good abs fade away, but laughter is forever.
Also, seriously think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who wears a tank top in public. Just because we live in a country where he can show his hairy man pits in public doesn’t mean he should.
Anyway, the other problem with reality is the grocery store elves failed to magically restock my pantry and fridge while I was gone. Even the dogs had run out of food. Of course they didn’t mind because P had fed them ground venison for the last few nights, which is high cotton compared to their usual fare of Purina One Lamb & Rice.
Before we left town I’d gone to HEB and bought some ham and cheese so P could make himself sandwiches for lunch. We also had some lasagna and meatloaf leftovers so I opened the refrigerator before I left and blessed them saying “Be ye fruitful and multiply” in the hopes they would miraculously feed him for a week. I don’t think it worked because I came home to cabinets that Old Mother Hubbard would pity.
I decided to bite the grocery store bullet and go to HEB on Sunday, mainly because I had no choice unless I wanted to serve dried out baby carrots, old celery, half an onion and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner with a choice of stale Chips Ahoy or expired Trix yogurt for dessert.
P had already started a list before I got home and it included what he believes to be essential items:
Dog Food
Raw Sugar
York Peppermint Patties
Nilla Wafers
Coffee Grinder
Coffee grinder? Why do we need a coffee grinder?
I’ll tell you why. The other night we (he) was watching Uncle Ted’s hunting show and an ad came on for Uncle Ted’s coffee (Uncle Ted is quite the renaissance man) and P decided if it’s good enough for Uncle Ted then it’s good enough for him. I told him I’d order it for him because I didn’t want sixty pounds of it showing up on our door step and while I was out of town he got his ONE POUND ONLY of Wackmaster Sunrize delivered. (I couldn’t make up a better name if I tried)
Unfortunately the Wackmaster Sunrize (oh how I love a “z” in place of an “s”) came in whole bean form, thus the need for a grinder.
Anyway, I filled my cart to overflowing with everything I needed to prepare delicious home-cooked meals for my family or, you know, to heat up a frozen pizza, but then I got to the cereal aisle and experienced two HUGE disappointments.
I tend to get on food kicks, meaning I will find a food I like and will eat it almost constantly until I never want to see it again and just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. My current obsession is Dannon Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt topped with granola and fresh berries. I’ve eaten it for breakfast for about three months straight which is a personal record. Words cannot express my joy at the yogurt and granola.
So imagine my dismay when I realized HEB was completely out of my Bear Naked Triple Berry Crunch granola. I am a triple berry loyalist and there is no acceptable substitute. HEB is NEVER out of the Triple Berry Crunch. I just stood there staring at the empty shelf space where the Triple Berry Crunch is supposed to be trying to will it into existence. But, alas, I had to settle for an inferior product.
Then I headed further down the aisle to buy P’s favorite breakfast food, Peanut Butter Kashi Bars. Guess what? They were out of them.
I’m not one to cry “conspiracy theory” but I believe someone or something is trying to cheat us out of our complete breakfast experience. How else do explain the simultaneous lack of Peanut Butter Kashi Bars and Triple Berry Crunch granola?
Well, other than to say that sometimes real life is hard.
Of course it’s even harder if you’re married to a man who wears tank tops in public.
Which is why I made P throw all of his away once we got married.
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I’m with P. Kashi’s peanut butter bars are the best – mostly because they are tasty, nutritious and well, easy to eat with a Diet Coke while a 9 month old is spitting his oatmeal in your face. I haven’t found a breakfast that compares.
Hee hee…I thought the green shorts were the real deal-breaker–who needs to see that much thigh? It might have looked European-chic if he’d paired it with a snug-fitting T-shirt, but with the tank top I think he was definitely channeling Richard Simmons.
Our grocery store seems to be out of a lot of things lately as well. I asked someone about it (because I couldn’t come up with a good theory on my own) and they said they thought it was probably the economy. Something about if they’ve run out when they re-order food it looks better for their counts or something…I can’t remember exactly. Sounds silly now, but at the time the theory sounded pretty dead-on!
I can not help but like Ed. I really thought the shorts were a joke. Then I got scared, that maybe it wasn’t a joke. Now I am just plain scared of the whole show.
My hubs thinks there is a conspiracy every time I go to the store. It seems they are always out of something he loves, and he never believes me. He thinks I just forgot to look. Luckily, his breakfast fav, Little Debbie Fudge Rounds, are always in. Because we are so health conscious and all.
When I had my first date with my now husband, he was wearing a shirt much like Ed’s. We were younger than they are, but even then I thought, “I think it’s too soon for me to see your armpits.” It worked out anyway.
He still has some of those tank tops but he’s only allowed to wear them on the boat. And since Ed was on a boat last night, I’ve decided to let it go. And at least they laughed about his shorts at the very end of the show.
I think Reed is coming back. You watch. He too was my favorite. Ed was the definition of awkward – even the way he walked and held his head up. I mean that in the physical sense not the other way.
You should definitely make your own granola. It’s incredibly easy, way more delicious and most definitely healthier. I consider butter healthy, by the way, so don’t quote me. Here’s a link to a GREAT, foolproof recipe: http://spearlegildsthelily.blogspot.com/2009/07/granola.html
Yes it was sad to see Reid go. I don’t like Ed – never have. He’s got that slimy feeling about him you know? And the clothes, omg! lol I hated the blue jacket with a different colored blue shirt and white pants. If he can fly his family to Hawaii he can afford a suit wouldn’t you think?
And yes, go with the one who makes you laugh!!! Although I am not sure that Reid was in love either. Not sure about any of the three.
Hugs,
Marie
P’s grocery list sounds much like my husband’s, although add numerous dessert items to ours! Also I think the conspiracy is not against you, but directed towards anyone who puts off shopping until Sunday evening (clearly I have experience in this procrastination tactic). HEB is out of everything on Sundays!
Peanutbutter kashi bars?? I am on my way to the grocery right now. BTW, who wants to see Harry and Furry (the armpit twins)?
Oh my word…you are funny girl. And, can I just say the line about marrying a guy who makes you laugh because abs fade and laughter is forever (or something like that). Right on, sister! So true. My husband has made me laugh for more than fifteen blessed years. It truly is a gift that I wouldn’t trade for all the abs in the world.
Love to you…
One of my favorite pictures of my parents is them standing in front of the epcot ball at Disney World. Mom with her huge perm and fanny pack; Dad with his tank top, tiny little adidas shorts, and socks that stood taller and more straight than a soldier on duty. They stood their with the biggest smiles on their faces.
Dad hung on to those tanks a little too long, but I think they have all retired to the box of rags in the garage, now that it’s 2009. Oh the 80′s…fashion was glorious!
I have always like Ed right up until last night when I saw: 1. the tank top 2. the green shorts and 3. his suit. Oh my heavens. I just don’t know how in the world she could have sent Reid home…
I don’t know if you noticed in the previews, but it looks like Ed will be rocking the tank top AGAIN. Oh, my word and bless his heart.
Okay, A) Ed’s “mankini” was about the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
B) I am so with you on the Dannon lowfat vanilla, w/ granola and berries! If you add honey to it, it’s even better.
C) ALWAYS marry the guy who makes you laugh! I got lucky and married the guy w/ great abs who also makes me laugh, but now that I’m pregnant I’m bitterly envious of his abs and want them to go away.
Yogurt and granola makes me miss camp! I worked full time for a summer camp for 5 years and every summer, every morning, that was my breakfast–yogurt with camp granola. You’re right. Once you find a granola you like, nothing compares. NOTHING!
YES! I’m not the only one who gets on a one-track food train and stays on it until it derails!
The fact is, I just don’t care about food that much and forget to eat entirely until I’m starving, so it behooves me (yes, I said that) to find something I like and stick with it. And I do. And I catch a lot of crap for it.
If I DON’T do that, though, I’ll have a weird 2pm compulsion (CRAP! I haven’t eaten today!) to just jam whatever I can find into my mouth at warp speed.
For about a month, breakfast has been half of a whole wheat english muffin with a half slice low fat swiss cheese. And coffee, of course–lots and LOTS of coffee.
Maybe when I’m over it I’ll look into the yogurt thing…hmmm.
okay so what do we think happened that was such a big deal in the fantasy suite? Could he not perform or something?
Whatever it was it seemed to be more than they just fell asleep. I love that crazy show and look forward to every Monday. It is so stupid. I guess I naively always thought they never really did the deed but that they just “got to know each other better in there” I can’t imagine being completely intimate with 3 guys in 3 days. Yuck!!!
Hear! Hear! On choosing the guy that makes you laugh.
Too funny, Big Mama.
Bless you and your stand on the tank top. Bless you for being able to make your husband throw them out. I have tried, believe me I have tried. But that makes my hubby wear them all the more,bless his heart. I have been able to curb his wearing them to only around the house. But that effects our social standing with the neighbors. Is this ‘prayer chain’ worthy?
I’m a Bear Naked Banana Nut girl myself. It’s one of the few exports from my neck-of-the-burbs in CT of which I can be proud (PEZ is the other). Enjoy.
I know that here in San Antonio, HEB is grocery royalty, but I am totally over it. They are frequently out of my favorite foods, usually replacing them with their own sad generic version. Where, oh where is my Signature Kroger? It’s a sure sign that we need another grocery store in town when my kid sings (at the top of his lungs) “HEBDEFG…”
I definitely think this is a conspiracy, they knew you were coming back to fill up your desolate cabinets and sold out of everything that is sacred in your life! Sad day!
Those mankini shorts were most ridiculous. And the tank. AND the suit. I don’t care if you’re in Hawaii…all of those choices were WRONG.
I was so, so sad for Reid.
It’s always hard to come back from vacation, especially to an empty pantry! And don’t even get me started on those teeny tiny shorts!
Just yesterday, I bought two – count them, TWO – boxes of Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight at the grocery store because a) we’re leaving tomorrow for a 9 hour road trip and I want my own box in the front seat and b) nothing is better than picking out the chocolatey delight from the grain fields in which they lie. In my mind all the little chocolate nuggets are justified because you invariably get a handful of the healthy stuff in there too.
It’s my cereal food kick this month.
You’ve got me started on the Dannon vanilla yogurt thing, only we don’t carry Bear Naked products up here in Smalltown America…so I have to settle for the “inferior products”.
Hope your grocer restocks!
I found Ed’s outfit very off-putting, too. And I’m so with you – go with the one who makes you laugh. For realz.
Why are you guys so upset and sad for Reid. I mean c’mon! At the very end he said “I don’t know what to say” and you know what Reid that’s exactly why your pathetic self is sitting on that bench having just been given the boot. You never knew what to say. You don’t have to be in “LOVE” with someone to express that you feel strongly for them. He had his chance not once but 2x (Spain and Hawaii) to tell her that he was feeling strongly for her and he just flat didn’t. Even when asked point blank he couldn’t do it. He was a day late and a dollar short and it just happens to suck worse for him that he lost to a dude that wears a Mankini. No one has said anything about Kipton…he’s the only man on that show that doesn’t seem to have an issue with being totally wishy washy!
I laughed so hard about you blessing your leftovers to be fruitful and multiply. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since 30 Rock went into reruns.
I’ve eaten Stoneyfield vanilla yogurt, Just Bunches cereal and mini chocolate chips for breakfast every morning for the past year & a half. The yogurt & granola will keep you addicted.
Ok, so I actually shed a few tears when she let Reid go last night. Dang it! I knew I was going to get hurt this season but I am watching for the “right reasons”…
Tank top & short shorts and THAT SUIT?! OH MY!
yes, there’s nothing worse than not finding your stand by foods on a major grocery run. CURSES! Good luck getting back into the swing. I like to call it “re-entry”.
i know you did not really deem this a “share your favorite foods” post so forgive me if you are perfectly content with your grocery selections and don’t want to try anything new at the moment
. however, IF YOU DO want to try something new, the special k blueberry cereal is a) AMAZING b) always in stock and c) might change your life, or at least your breakfast. this stuff soooo surpasses special k strawberry with their actual piece of fake-tasting strawberries. the blueberry kind has the blueberries actually on the flakes. trust me, if you need another berry option, this could be your new favorite breakfast food 
I totally agree about Ed’s Clothing choices. I would not have been able to pick him based soley on the suit he wore at the end. Talk about embarassing! I really liked Reid, but I don’t think he wanted to marry Jillian.
Yogurt and Granola rocks!
Yeah, man tank tops just really don’t do it for me, either. I’m lucky that DH doesn’t wear them. On the other hand, he DOES wear T-shirts with holes in them that are so large you could probably grow a third arm through them. I’m working on that…
Good luck with the breakfast dilemma.
I share your love for the Bear Naked Triple Berry, and I was once in a similar jam. The bulk food aisle at HEB (or Central Market, the bulk food mecca) has a berry granola that is mighty tasty, too.
I’m just so very upset that she got rid of Reid. He was without a doubt, my favorite. He was so down to earth and he made her laugh. And you know what, you could tell how much he cared about her. If she’s really looking for love… she needs to be realistic about the time limit. They don’t have to get engaged the second the show ends. Ugh!!
And those shorts… Ed. This is NOT the 80′s. And even in the 80′s… guys should not have worn shorts that short!! Seriously!
Oh and that scene where they were rubbing oil on each other!! SOOO INAPPROPRIATE!!
I was just having the “no men in tank tops” discussion with my daughter. I’m not big on hairy man feet in flip flops either-eewww.
My husband actually wore a tank top (I thought I had gotten rid of all of them when we got married) and wait for it….BLACK SOCKS to work in the FRONT YARD yesterday. Yah, I wanted to die. His response? “I’m just outside!” Well outside is where people judge us most harshly. I insist on matching to sleep, so…the tank top is gone.
) Thanks for the laughs.
I think you mean tank topz. (Sounds like an 80s band, now that I type it.)
It’s a little pricey, but Central Market’s Organic Raspberry Granola (in the bulk section) is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! My expensive addiction right now:)
Amen on the tank top thing! I think it was even more egregious than the shorts. Then the previews I think show him wearing ANOTHER one in a different color! I bet he bought a pack of them at the Mervyn’s or something. Not that they have those anymore.
I cannot believe Jillian sent Reid home… if you watch the show she lit up the most while watching his video. Bad mistake Jill.
If I were you, I wouldn’t get too sucked in to Uncle Ted’s coffee. I know for a fact that Uncle Ted and “Aunt” Shemane frequent Starbucks. Maybe there’s a conspiracy there, too…
It ALWAYS takes a few days to recover from vacation. You need a vacation from vacation for a bit before returning to the real world.
Welcome home anyways
p.s. I’m trying to picture my husband (of nine years today! Woot!) wearing a blue heathered tank top and laughing
I read you all the time, but rarely comment, but once again, since you make me laugh out loud every morning – I had to offer some free advice.
Kashi Summer Berry Granola. I am addicted to it over Dannon’s Vanilla Activia yogurt. I think it’s really dessert.
It was dessert this winter, after our Super Bowl party was hijacked by 25 teenagers and I had to eighty-six the chocolate fondue plan – I had a whole Sara Lee pound cake (already thawed!) that needed to be eaten. I discovered the joy of fresh strawberries, pound cake and Vanilla Activia yogurt – HEAVEN. I ate it every day until the pound cake was gone. I think it was two.
Oh, goodness, I’m sorry! Is he direction-impaired? I bet that if you left him turn-by-turn directions to the grocery store he could go himself next time!
Hahaha, I kid.
But you’re making me wish I had actually ever seen that show!
Oh the pictures you paint with words bring tears of laughter (today) to my eyes!
Saturdays and Sundays just have too many strikes against them to make for anything but frustrating shopping experiences. Ugh. Kudos to you for being brave (and desperate) enough to make the trip. And they were only out of two things – pretty impressive!
Cheers!
Shelfs are always bare on a Sunday…stores usually don’t restock until Monday. I’m with you on the food kicks – my latest is sweet potato chips by Terra…sooooo yummy!
The blue tank top and green shorts was ummmmmm priceless. I think you are onto something with your Batchelor theory
Any all stores have a conspiracy against me too.
Charity
Those green shorts were killer and I’m still crying about Reid. This girl is killing me. I would cry if they were out of my Bare Naked. I love my Bare Naked.
Just a little granola suggestion for you… try Target’s Archer Farms brand… I personally prefer it to Bear Naked.
And, you are so funny… thanks for the laughs!!
Chuckling. Can’t stop.
Helped me get over missing Reid. Thanks. Oh Reid, how I’ll miss your four-year-old emotionally expressive self. You so had me at “I like you thhhis much” with your arms out. She should’ve ended the whole show then!
Big Mama, I’m with you on the stickin’ with a certain food fad until you can’t no longer repeat the food’s name.
I’m currently stuck on Skinny Cow’s no sugar added ice cream sandwiches. I thought it was all over when Walmart failed to have them stocked TWICE! But they’re back. I’ve never met a person, however, that beats my husband consistency in food fads. If eats Mrs. Paul’s crunchy fish sticks with a salad one more night “I” may never eat fish again. Bleh! Move on, dude. It’s been way too long!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll have my late night bowl of cereal.
Um, that’s “can” no longer repeat the food’s name.
Sorry, my toddler’s double negatives are rubbing off.
“MOM! That was NOT very NOT nice.” Sophie Gunther (DId you like how I put her name after her quote like she was famous?)
Amen, sister about the tank tops. I also outlawed the polyester “coaches shorts” in my house.
just wanted to say that my favorite part of this entry was the shout out to waco. as a resident, I can assure you, it is just as wonderful as your two trips in one week left you feeling.
Yogurt and granola is simply the best. I used to buy Dannon Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt but then one time HEB was out of it so I bought their brand… HEB Light (0% fat) Vanilla Yogurt. It is surprisingly better than Dannon and I have been buying HEB ever since. I top it with fresh blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, or peaches and GRANOLA (we have a few favorites we switch between). We go through 3 boxes of granola & two 64oz of yogurt a week!
Granola and Dannon vanilla yogurt? Oh, I own that recipe. Right now it is on my rotating list of rations. Nothing better. I could probably gross you out real good with some of my granola/yogurt concoctions.
Everything goes better with granola/yogurt on it.
I love those peanut butter kashi bars! When the peanut butter recall thing came out my walmart was out of those bars for at least a month! I didn’t know what to do! I have my routines and when walmart or Kroger are out of one of my essentials it can ruin my day…scratch that… ruin my week!!
I do the same thing with food. Eat the same thing until I’m sick of it. Right now, I’m on Peanut butter, banana and honey sandwich. I’ve been on it for months.
Sandy
I am an ardent Bear Naked supporter…I buy it faster than they can stock it at my local walmart & target. i love it with vanilla yogurt…heaven. pure heaven.
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