So I’ve had this post in my head that I’ve wanted to write for several days but haven’t been able to get it down on paper or the computer keyboard or whatever. It all started over the weekend when I was talking to my friend AJ about being a single girl in your twenties. She recently broke up with a guy who was a really nice guy. The kind of guy that looks great on paper and everything in you tells you that you should really like him, but there’s just something missing. That intangible something that, if it could be named and bottled and sold, would be worth millions.
I was in the midst of dispensing my deep wisdom and insights on being a twenty-something single girl (it took all of five seconds) and AJ said, “You need to write a post about this because a lot (at least five!) single girls read your blog. You can even say I told you to.” And since I’m never one to turn down free blog material, I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Here’s the thing. I have a deep love in my heart for twenty-something girls. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I relate more to the twenty-somethings than I do to women (girls?) my own age. Maybe that says something about my maturity, but let’s not explore that too deeply. I think part of it is that I didn’t handle my early twenties so well. In fact, I tried my best to make a big hot mess of my life and, but for the grace and mercy of God, would have totally succeeded. I totally appreciate how hard the twenties can be because they involve making a lot of grown-up decisions for the first time in your life.
(The late thirties are a little difficult too which is a whole other post that I’ll write someday after I quit crying about my baby getting older and searching my head for new gray hairs)
During my sophomore year of college I remember sitting next to a girl who eventually became one of my dearest friends and I asked her what she was majoring in. She answered, “Sports Management, but all I really want to do is be a wife and a mother.” I was shocked that she actually said it out loud. It’s one thing to think it, but on the outside we’re supposed to act like we aspire to be important business women who speak Japanese and wear business suits. Or maybe that was just me.
But on the inside, all I really wanted to be was a wife and mother. Which is great. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife and a mother and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be an important business woman who wears business suits and speaks Japanese, although you should know that Japanese is an extremely hard language to learn and you might possibly make a D in your second semester.
The problem was that I was looking for a man to complete me. It was all very Jerry Maguire-ish before Jerry Maguire ever came out. I was filled with fear and insecurity about what was waiting for me in the real world and just felt like if I could skip over that whole single career girl thing and get straight to the house and the minivan and the 2.5 kids then life would be a lot better. I would be complete and whole and secure. The problem was that I wasn’t seeking God in any of this which led to a series of heartbreaks, including a messy broken engagement.
Because here’s the thing. I was a big emotional wreck and marriage wasn’t going to change that. Marriage wasn’t going to take away all my fears, insecurities, and worries. And after twelve years of being married, I can safely say that marriage tends to just amplify whatever junk is in your life because you have someone who may or may not point it out to you and call you on it but you have to love them anyway because you’ve pledged to be bound to them until death do you part. Plus, hypothetically speaking, you may have a child who looks just like that person which is God’s way of helping you remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.
At some point I found myself at the bottom of my large pile of issues and began to realize that only God could help me get out of it. So I let Him. It was a gradual process but I just kept letting go and then letting go some more. Ultimately, when God brought P into my life it was just as a good friend. We were best friends for several months before we ever started dating which was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t trying to impress or be something I wasn’t, I was just me. And P loved me for me, not because I tried to transform myself into some version of what I thought he wanted. Which is a good thing because twelve years would be a long time to keep up that kind of charade and might also require me to get up and go hunting at 5:00 a.m. in the freezing cold.
My point is (I took the long way to get here) that if you can’t find contentment and security as a single woman, then you’re not going to find it in marriage. Marriage is great. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is hard. It takes work and sacrifice and dying to what you want in return for what’s best for both of you.
So the best advice I can offer, based on my love of learning things the hard way and doing things wrong the first several times, is to trust God to show you the person who is right for you. Someone can look great on paper, your friends may love him, he may have the best job, a cool car, and not wear jean shorts, but that doesn’t mean that he’s the one. Basically you need someone who you’d want next to you in battle, who can make you laugh even in the tough times, and will encourage you to be the best that you can be. Apparently, marriage is like being in the Army.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve just because less is right in front of you and the best may still be unseen. I guarantee there are many women in marriages that are so lonely that they long for their single days when at least they had the hope of finding someone who would understand them, love them, and care for them.
Your twenties (or thirties or season of singleness) is the last time in your life when you are free to do whatever it is you want to do without having to answer to anyone else. If I could change anything, I wish I would have embraced it more instead of wishing it away. When it’s all said and done it seems like a mere blip on the radar of life and it’s hard to imagine a time when the most romantic thing in your day didn’t involve someone telling you they don’t mind eating leftover chili for the second night in a row. I’m not kidding. I adore a man that’s willing to eat leftovers two nights in a row.
And, ultimately, keep in mind that we’re all waiting on something no matter where we are in life. Being married and having kids is wonderful, but I guarantee that every person who is reading this has some secret desire in their heart that they would like to see fulfilled. I have so many things in my life to be thankful for, but there are other things that I dream about and hope for and, honestly, I don’t know if those things will ever come to pass or not.
All I can do is keep my eyes on the One who knows everything in my heart and trust that he knows what’s ultimately the best for me.
He hasn’t let me down yet.
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” I Corinthians 2:9
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Wow. Beautifully stated. I’m one of those singles who just moved across the country solo. I’m scared but I know He sent me here for a reason. And for the first time in too long of a time my only desire is to seek Him. Thank you for this post.
Bravo! Amen! You Go Girl!
Awesomely said.
I married my best friend! (18 years) My daughter likes to count my gray hairs too. I don’t find it as fun as she does. Thank you for sharing your heart. I always look forward to your post each morning. You are funny!
The thing that makes my heart swell for my husband is when he cleans our shower. I would have never imagined that when I was single.
The laughter in the tough times is a key ingredient as well.
Loved this post!
Great post Melanie…! Like you, I learned these things the hard way, and after 25 years of marriage, I’m still learning. Thanks for sharing your insights with such honesty and humor.
Love,
Adrienne
Thank you for this. Totally one of those 20 somethings who had no clue they would suck like this. Its like junior high on steroids, b/c you have no clue who you are, yet are constantly being faced with ‘grown up’ choices, people, and realities. It’s weird, and like college just dropped you off in the middle of no where and was like,good luck. Thank you for acknowledging us randoms, and for your encouragement. I think I am beginning to realize that God’s plan will never be my original plan, and that’s ok. I’m also realizing that God’s plan will most likely include waiting, but will be worth waiting for. Looks like you’re living proof of that, which is refreshing to see. Thanks again!
So beautifully written and so very, very true! Speaking as someone who got married at 36 (and is now pregnant with her first at 38) I can fully attest to the need to be comfortable with yourself. I can’t tell you how long it took me to learn that lesson – I’m afraid to see it was a good deal of my 20s, but it was an important lesson to learn. And now that I’m married to a good man who makes me happy, I can honestly say that as hard as it was at times it was worth the wait. Part of what makes it so good now, is that I knew who I was and what I wanted and I waited for it.
Great post, we are all wishing life away. I am trying very hard to enjoy my kids at 10,8,7,4,1, b/c as hard as it is sometimes, I’ll wish for this when they are gone. Thanks for your insight and for giving credit to God. He deserves it. Sara
There’s a whole lotta wisdom there sister. I flunked my 20s and business suits 101.
1 Cor 2:9 is my favorite verse. I don’t think it had been written yet when I was single.
Don’t know how to start this comment, because all I could think was Wow. Then I saw Traci opened with Wow, and decided I couldn’t, so now I’m stuck…
I loved this post. I teared up reading it, this time from the memories it brought up. (I seem to tear up alot at your musings, most of the time from laughter). ANYWAY.. I am a now-51 mother of two teenagers who stumbled and messed up alot in my 20s. My husband of 19 years was my friend for almost a year before we realized that there was more there, and I have to say that you are so right in what you say.. if you marry someone you were friends with first, they know who you really are, the real you.. and boy does that make life easier later!!
It’s a hard road sometimes, but full of valuable lessons. I have to second what you said about wishing you hadn’t spent so much of your single time wishing it away. That’s my only regret about my 20s, that I spent so much time worrying that I’d never had the family I wanted so much and not enough time enjoying the ”me time”.. All worth it now!!
You are first in my list of favorites, and I want to thank you for this blog. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes it okay that I’m up at 6am!! You are an amazing writer.
My best friend is 33 and is so desperate to meet someone. ALL of her friends are married and she is a school teacher. Not exactly the best place to meet someone! I do feel like she thinks marriage will make her happy. THis post just reminds me again of how I need to be praying for her daily !
I love your blog. It’s the first one I read every day!
thank you thank you for posting this – just what I needed! I just got through a break up and instead of jumping into a new relationship, I’ve just started praying for God to help me accept and even enjoy this season of singleness!
have a lovely day!
Great post – and so timely for the stuff that God’s been teaching me and a number of my single gal friends! (Yes, I’m one of the 5 single girls apparently…) I read your blog every morning because I love to start my day with laughter, and this was a great surprise – and blessing! Thanks
Thanks so much, I’ve been struggling with the “waiting” part lately. This was a nice encouragement from someone who has already been there.
My single 20′s were some of the most cherished times for me because someone cared enough to share a message similar to what you’ve posted here.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and speaking the truth about marriage – rather than being a solution for our “junk”, it’s a very good, but very deep time of refining. Certainly all stages of life have their challenges and being able to live daily in the precious present is a real gift and worthy to strive for.
Blessings,
Carly
God speaks to us in all sorts of ways and this morning he chose to speak to me through you – thank you for being his vessel. The last part of your blog brought tears to my eyes – I am married but one of those marrieds hoping and praying for a child – i actually go to to dr today to start the invitro shots today. I don’t know if God has a child in His plans for me…but what a great reminder of where to keep looking this morning. Instead of focusing my eyes on my navel as my pastor says, my eyes are on Him.
well written, Melanie.
and I love Emily’s comment about college dropping you off in the middle of nowhere and then saying ‘good luck’…. that’s pretty much how it was. I guess for some of us, those days could be equated with Moses in the desert. We’re all just trying to follow God and find our promised land, aren’t we….
So well put. I know I was never good at “dating to date.” I was always looking at the person I was dating as a potential mate for life. I found that in my husband. However, there were a few nasty, slimy not-God-fearing frogs that I had to kiss before then. Do I regret dating them? No. I’ve taken from my experience from them (an Atheist and an on-the-weekend drug dea*ler, but I didn’t know it) things that have made me who I am. To the stronger end of life. I could beat myself up about having dated someone who was completely not me, but I’d rather think that though I may have strayed off the path that God had set forth for me, I learned things and I moved on. My husband more than makes up for the crap that I put up with dating. So does that little girl that I need to get ready for school!
This is exactly what I have been telling young women (including 3 teenage daughters) for years. I too, met my husband and he was one of the first guys that I was myself around because I wasn’t trying to impress him. We were friends first and this Nov. will be our 20 year anniversary. My simplest statement is “Never Settle” because all else falls under that umbrella. If you settle you set yourself up for misery.
Wonderful post Melanie!
It is lovely to see the work of the Lord refected in your life.
I have nothing deep to say. But agree that no man should ever wear jorts, ever!
Wonderful, wonderful post! I once knew a girl, who on the night before her wedding, was crying. Not out of happiness. When she was asked why in the world she was getting married, she said “I’ve spent 7 years with him. It’s time.” How my heart hurt when I heard that. I have another friend who felt the heartache for 7 years of not finding Mr. Right. God had someone prepared for her though. They are expecting their first child and are madly in love! I would rather have the latter case myself.
Such an amazing post. Thanks for sharing this with us and reaching out to the single ladies.
Wonderful post and I agree wholeheartedly! I still think you need to explore the whole “single girls and the bad boy” concept though. I know so many younger women (and I was one of them) who were just SO used to the bad boy triangle. That’s a lot of fun mixed in with some heartache here and there but the problem is that it becomes your new frame of reference as you venture out into the expanded “post college” world of dating.
You become USED to being treated that way. Then when the normal, nice guy comes along and doesn’t engage you in that drama you have come to know and crave….it just doesn’t work for you.
You need to talk about THAT syndrome!
Thanks so much for this, Melanie. I’ve found myself back in the ‘waiting’ game after many years of being out of it and this post went straight to thoughts that have begun lurking in my head. I have (largely) been able to enjoy my singleness again but when you know that, ultimately, you’d like to share your life with someone who you can love, laugh, share and partner with… the loneliness can get to you sometimes in the dark of night. Thank you for the reminder to enjoy where I am and that waiting for the right time and the right person can bring good things.
I loved this post and you’re right.
I got married when I was 21, so I didn’t really experience the single twenties, but even getting married young I had this idea that everything would be great after I got married…(this is where every married woman rolls on the floor laughing) I have since learned that we are all imperfect humans living in an imperfect world and we will never find true peace and happiness in anything on this earth. That kind of contentment is only found in a relationship with Jesus Christ.
So….I’m one of those girls who always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I waited through my 20′s for Mr. Right to show up. Then when I was 30, God took me all the way to Japan for what I thought would be a year long adventure, then I would go back to my happy life and Mr. Right would be waiting for me at the airport. Instead, God put a love for the Japanese people and a desire to share his love for them deep in my heart. When I was 35, I returned to Japan as a full time missionary. I can now speak Japanese but thankfully am not required to wear the business suits
I’m still waiting for Mr. Right and am trying to find contentment in being single but it’s hard. Lately God has been showing me that He is enough. He always has been and always will. Whether my singleness is a season or if Mr. Right-san is right around the corner, God is all I really need. Thanks for the reminder and for the Japanese references. They made my day!
I read you every single morning but have never left a comment, but this post was wonderful.
I too was a flailing single lady wondering why God didn’t like me, especially after my 10th bridesmaid position. When I handed it over to Him, a weight was lifted and eventually my crazy husband entered my life. Two kids later and being a stay at home mom, I wonder why I was in such a rush! (kidding)
Awesome post…how do you get in my head like that?
thanks big mama! great post. i am a single girl who has been reading your blog for a long time, and i love you, P, and Caroline! thanks for sharing your life with us. and thanks for the encouragement on being single! we need to hear it from wiser, married ladies like you and be reminded that marriage is not the end-all, be-all of life!
but Jesus is!
I’m just sitting here trying to figure out when you crawled up in my brain and got these thoughts out! Soooo true!!!! I just posted based on your post (giving you plenty o’credit of course). Amen, Girlfriend!!!
Excellent post—very well said (written)! I spent my entire teens thinking I had to have a boy by my side to make me complete. Thankfully, I’ve learned from my mistake and are raising my teen girls to be complete in Christ. As a result, my 16yo has chosen, on her own, not to start dating yet. I envy her maturity!
I’m one of the five too – thank you. Thank you ever so much.
A man who will eat leftover chili for two night in a row is Prince Charming.
period.
No horse needed.
What an awesome post! Can we be friends?
Very well said! I’m going to share this post with my college aged daughters…thanks!
Awesome post! I read your blog every morning. You are hilarious. This one was a great way to start my day. Thank you!
That was what I needed to hear this morning! I’m a married twenty-something who is praying and waiting for many things. Thank you for the encouragement!
Thansk for inspiring us 20-somethings! Sometimes it seems like the “marrieds” have it all together, and their perfect little lives seem so much better than ours.
A lot of my 21 year old-ish friends are getting engaged, and I find myself both wanting that too, yet knowing I have to wait for what God brings into my life. A lot of the time it’s really hard. But I really agree with you that fleeing into marriage and babies won’t make all your problems go away. I’ve dealt with a lot of ‘stuff’ this past year, kinda hoping it’d make God realise I’m “ready” for The One now! But maybe I should be looking at it from a do-it-for-myself perspective.
And I really needed the reminder to enjoy my 20′s too! Sometimes I’m like you, wishing them saway, wishing I could get to the start of my “real life”, when really my real life has been going for 21 years now!
Amen! If we only knew then what we know now. I dated a guy/jerk all through high school until I finally wised up. Met my husband a few months later and married 6 months after that. We have now been together for 15 years. God is good….all the time!!!
Oh my 20′s. I wish I could rewrite them. I tried my hardest to make a mess of my life and then I married my mess. Which ended in a messy divorce and a child living in two different homes. But along the way I learned a lot about myself but, more importantly, I learned a lot about God and His love for me. There are so many things I would change if I could go back but then I would not be who I am today if I didn’t have those lessons, very tough lessons, to learn. God has redeemed me and given me my heart’s desire. I could go on and on but I will spare you the details. Thanks for a great post.
What a beautiful post! Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Like any time in life, but it came clear to me the longer I’m single, it’s all about focusing on what you have & not on what you don’t have. Singleness IS a time to embrace (which doesn’t mean giving up hope or the desire to be married) Use it to invest in the lives of nieces & nephews in ways that you couldn’t if you had your own children, travel, go to concerts, buy the shoes you couldn’t if you had to count pennies to feed a family and most importantly, spend (uninterrupted) time with the Lord. We never know what we have until it’s no longer ours.
Thanks for a great post!!
So well put. I wished my twenties away also. When I finally decided that I was fine with being alone and not with the wrong person was when God lead me to the love of my life. Marriage is hard, but it helps to have your best friend by your side.
Good words! God is good and all knowing and wise.
“Apparently being married is like being in the army.”
Oh my word, I will be giggling about that all day.
I pray that God will open the ears of many single lady readers who peruse this because it could save them a lot of heartache. Thanks for the post.
Wowsers! That was a great post and I can’t agree more.
After a bad break up about 8 years ago, a good friend told me, “Break up’s are God’s way to tell you that before you can start looking for Mr. Right, you need to start working on yourself first.”
Took that to heart and never felt better.
And I’m getting married in May. : )
Loved this serious, yet still funny post from Big Mama!
I have to agree, a dream man doesnt wear jean shorts. (aka “Jorts”)
I am forwarding this blog to a few single friends who need to hear it!!!!
I’m a little past 20-something (yep, I, too, didn’t fare too well during that decade and would never pick it for a “do-over”!). Even at my age – nearly staring 50 in the face – I am frustrated by still being single. Course I coulda settled several times over through the course of my life but I’ve adopted the adage that there ARE a lot of things worse than being single! I’ve seen ‘em and helped some of my dearest friends survive many of them! I know God has a specific plan for my life – even for marriage – and I haven’t given up hope that it will happen. I just keep praying that He really isn’t THAT hilarious to be saving my wedding for some nursing home or assisted living facility! Thank you for what you wrote today! I always enjoy reading your posts but I REALLY needed today’s specifically! The timing couldn’t be more perfect either!!
Still hoping our paths cross in Memphis next week!!
Thank you. Just last night I was having a major meltdown – how did I end up here? this is not what I had planned, blah blah, blah…through my drama, tears and fears I wondered why God never speaks to me. He did today – through you. Thank you. Thank you for your heartfelt, contemplative words.
What an awesome post. As a twenty-something year old girl. Thanks. I did get married in my 20′s and have a kid in my 20′s but I am happy. I can be me and always have. I’ve been married for 6 years now and hope I am still as happy 60 years from now.
Thank you so much!! I’m one of those single girls & I really appreciated your taking the time to post your wisdom. It really is about HIM & HIS plan for each of us.
God is good!
God Bless,
AuntieJaime
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am married, but often find myself wanting more, more, more in my life. I want children, my own home, etc., but I want it in my timing…not my husband’s or God’s. I am so blessed, and if I would spend more time focusing on what I have than what I don’t I know that happiness I seek would wash over me. We are all in this together, aren’t we?
Great post Big Mama
Hopefully you have inspired some women out there and given them a little hope for peace and contentment 
I’ve read your blog for almost two years now. And this post may be exactly why.
Thank you from one of the five.
Two of my best friends (at 27 and 29) are going through similar “growing pains” and the verse that I have shared with one of them is Proverbs 3: 5-6:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not;
In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths.
My friend keeps fretting about what she should do with her life and where she’s going to meet The One, and I explained that God has made a path for her life, and all she needs to do is listen and follow. As they told us in church youth group, “Let Go, and Let God.” That advice has served me well.
OK, I’ve always liked you because you’re funny … and truth be told, I’ve teared up at a post or two (grandparents house, etc) but reading this blew me away. You can be profound and funny at the same time. It’s like at the very second I thought I might cry you said something that made me laugh … “marriage is kind of like being in the army”.
I don’t know how God is going to use what you just wrote, but I know He’s going to use it. It was so genuine and filled with truth. I’ve been happily married for 19 years, but it spoke to me too.
I have a little person who just looks like my big man who “is God’s way of reminding me why I fell in love with him in the first place”. (That, by the way, is my favorite line you’ve ever written.)
I sit here at work reading your blog, as I do every morning…and today I am literally choking back the tears…thank you for this post-I dream of sitting across a table from you at Starbucks so that we could talk longer and perhaps I wouldn’t have this weight on my shoulders.
Well said, Big Mama.
That was an incredible post – one I can relate to 100%.
“I can safely say that marriage tends to just amplify whatever junk is in your life because you have someone who may or may not point it out to you and call you on it but you have to love them anyway because you’ve pledged to be bound to them until death do you part.”
Love it!!
And to Becky, whose best friend is a schoolteacher, my husband was delivered right to my classroom door. God can do anything!
Geez, your post was like reading my life. We serve such a merciful God, thanks for sharing your heart to help others. Look how many people have already been blessed!
“I guarantee there are many women in marriages that are so lonely that they long for their single days when at least they had the hope of finding someone who would understand them, love them, and care for them.”
I too was in a hurry to be the wife and the above statement could not be more true. but i also know that it is easier to love my husband when i’ve been filled up on God’s love first. Thanks for this post. I love your humor, but I too love it when you share from your heart.
Love this quote more than you can know: “Someone can look great on paper, your friends may love him, he may have the best job, a cool car, and not wear jean shorts, but that doesn’t mean that he’s the one.”
I finally quit “trying” in my late twenties..and wouldn’t ya know it, my husband walked right into my life when I least expected it?
Big Mama, I’ve read your blog for a close to a year now, but never commented. I think I’ve even read all of your archives and feel like I know you, P, and Caroline! I’m one of the single girls in my 20′s; most of my friends are married either have kids, pregnant, or trying to get pregnant! The pressure to find “the one” and start a family can be so much sometimes. I needed to read this and I thank you!
I love this! It’s all SO true, and I am so thankful that I trusted in God’s plan for me during my single years….it’s been amazingly, totally worth it!
Another one of those 5 & this was just what I needed to hear today. I’m graduating in May & have no clue where to go from there. This is never where I thought I’d be at 22, but it’s a time to embrace, just the same!
I’m a single 27-year-old that reads your blog daily and your post today brought me to tears. Thanks for the encouragement.
“My point is (I took the long way to get here) that if you can’t find contentment and security as a single woman, then you’re not going to find it in marriage.”
I cannot let it go unsaid that you have a “deep love” for twenty-something girls…which I happen to be. ?
Thats just what I’ve been trying to do so its so nice to hear it straight from the mouth(or fingertips in this situation)of an expert!
That was supposed to be a heart not a question mark.Way to ruin a nice sentimental statement!
I totally agree with you about just wanting to skip those awkward “career-days” and get down to the business of being a wife and mother. I didn’t go to my 4-yr college until I was 21 — probably the oldest on-campus freshman they’d ever seen! I remember telling my mom as we packed my bags to head out, if we met a guy on our way over to school, and he was willing to marry me, I would’ve totally done it, just because I didn’t want to face what was coming — at least another 4 years of being single.
Being in your 20′s does stink. It’s hard. It’s terribly, terribly lonely. But, being married is also lonely at times. I believe it truly is learning to become that woman who loves her Father more than life itself and is willing and content to rest in Him. A SUPER hard lesson for me to learn and one that I am still learning.
Great post Melanie! I am right there with you on that whole thing! You said it perfectly!
Great piece and full of godly wisdom. You should put this in your “future reprint” folder. Or, make that folder if you don’t have one.
I am a twentysomething single and I look forward to your blog every morning! Expertly stated.
I just finished reading this with tears in my eyes. I’m 24, about to be 25, and still living the single life. Just this past summer I fully gave my desire to find a husband over to God and my life has been richly blessed since then. Thank-you for your love for young, single ladies, it’s greatly appreciated!
Beautiful post.
I got married at 20, and I think I wished I’d thought twice about that for about the first 5 years. So marriage is no cure for “incompleteness” in your 20s. But the hard work of the early 20s was so worth the blessings that came out of it. God is good, and I have an amazing husband (yes, the same guy I married at 20) and more beautiful children than I dared ask for.
Also, if Emily (“college dropped you off in the middle of nowhere…”)has a blog, is there any chance you can post a link? She made me laugh out loud and wish I could take her out for coffee. I’d love to read her every day.
…and this is the post by which you got me to delurk!
I can persoanlly attest to the part about the broken messy engagement; but we don’t talk about that any more!
Instead I’ll mention that I, too, really only ever wanted to be a wife and mother. And you know what? Its taken me to my thirties to admit it out loud because up here in New England, its still all about the career. Its almost like you say “I want to be a wife and mother” and people would say, “ya, but what do you want to *BE*?” cause, you know, wife & mother is just extra-curricular that you add on to your career. Like it isn’t a priority, or say, the **most important** decision of your life, which result in the most important people in your life.
It can be retty rough to feel like the minority around here! But your insights are spot on and I am so glad you shared them! Marriage is wonderful
I’m still working on the kids !
Amazing Post!! Very Well Written! I’m going to forward this to all my single girlfriends! Thanks!
Thanks so much for the encouraging post this morning! You are such a gifted writer. As one of the “five” who read your blog daily, I am so thankful that you show us single gals what marriage is all about. I love the desription of the Army…that is funny, yet true! I am in my late 20-somethings and am waiting on HIS man for me! I don’t want anyone else! Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom! I love all the comments from the other “five”! There are a lot of girls rigt where we are! We just have to keep trusting in His plan for us….it will be worth the wait! I have to hold on to that promise!
Thanks again for being so real!
Awesomeness Mama!!
Just wanted you to know that I am one of those five 20-something single girls who reads your blog. Great insights; thank you.
Thank you so much! I am 37..single and in a new relationship. I keep reminding myself that I want to be in a relationship for the RIGHT reason..not just to be in a relationship. It’s hard to be single for such a long time, but I do try to see the positive like you said.
This statement, “basically you need someone who you’d want next to you in battle, who can make you laugh even in the tough times, and will encourage you to be the best that you can be.”, made me cry..I have to be gut level honest with myself and ask myself if THIS guy meets the above statement..right now..I don’t know.
Thank you for remembering the single girls..it means alot!
Thanks again for a WONDERFULLY written blog!!
Thanks, Mel. Much love.
Preach!
Well, I came over this morning intending to have my daily laugh and instead I’m at work trying to pretend I’m not on the verge of tears. You’re right on Big Mama. No matter what season we are in life, we’re all waiting on something. Thanks for the remainder to not “wish it away.” You’re pretty good at this serious stuff, you know?
Well said.
Thank you for this post…it was the EXACT thing that I needed to read this morning
I LOVVVVEEE this post. I am a young sing woman in my early 20′s, and I have watched many friends get married, and end in divorce less than six months later. I have had the outlook not to rush into anything. I am not looking to get married tomorrow or in the next five years. I have put my faith in God that when it happens, it will happen and I will know it.
I hope others feel the same way.
Amen to that blog sermon! I am one of those lonely wives you wrote about. God is still good.
AMEN and AMEN!!
PS my friend Hannah calls our twenties “second puberty” for the same reasons Emily listed above- there’s all these changes taking place and no one really prepares you for it. They should make you watch a video in health class senior year of college. ‘Ch-ch-changes’
Your friend was right to tell you to blog about this. Reading this gave me chills! It was like you’ve known me for years and were speaking directly to me. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who finds herself in that situation of trying TOO hard to find that someone and wondering why it’s not working out like my romance novels.
Thanks so much so sharing–it’s made my day!
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s as if you wrote my own thoughts down for all the world to see. Sadly, I think most women (and men too) really believe that marriage is going to fix whatever is wrong in their lives, and don’t realize that marriage, while a wonderful and amazing gift, really tends to amplify the issues rather than resolve them.
I expecially liked this line: “we’re all waiting on something no matter where we are in life. Being married and having kids is wonderful, but I guarantee that every person who is reading this has some secret desire in their heart that they would like to see fulfilled.”
This is so true, and it caught me off guard in the midst of my own secret longings. I needed the reminder not to wish away my life.
No matter what season each of us is currently in, there are blessings to be enoyed and moments to be cherished. If we spend our lives wishing for the next season, we’ll miss out on so much! Rest in God: His Plan is best!
Sory for my eternal comment.
What terrific words of wisdom, Melanie! I agree with everything you said.
If there happens to be some women out there who got married and haven’t exactly found the happily-ever-after they were looking for, I’d like to recommend a book. It’s called “Sacred Marriage”, written by Gary Thomas. The premise is that no matter what our marriage looks like, the goal that God has for us is to reflect the image of Christ. As married people, marriage is the #1 tool God uses to sanctify us.
Wow! What a great post! As one of those single twenty-somethings, I can say that it wasn’t until I embraced being able to be me, independent and free until I found someone. And in the most unlikely place (through my dad) because I wasn’t looking. So thankful I quit looking for love and came to love myself first!
Again, wonderful post! Thank you!
Am I the only one who wants to hear about the messy broken engagement? It’s good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Great post! As a 33 year old never married single girl, it has taken me a long time to be ok with myself and be ready and open for what the Lord as in store for me. As someone from small town Oklahoma, I have had to overcome the “why aren’t you married yet” questions but I am happy being single. My life is full and meaningful. If the Lord’s plan involves marriage for me, that would be great too though. I agree that there is a sense of longing on both sides but that’s just the nature of the beast! Thanks for the post, it’s nice to hear and makes me a little more hopeful!
Excellent, excellent, excellent post!
From a thirty-something single woman who faithfully reads your blog
Thanks. I needed this.
HOT DANG! What a wonderful and challenging post. I love it, Big Mama. Well spoken.
I so get this post Melanie – thank you!
If I could change anything, I wish I would have embraced it more instead of wishing it away.
When I had my first child, I was so sleep deprived, that I just couldn’t WAIT for him to sleep through the night. His first 12 weeks of colic didn’t help. But when he finally slept through the night and outgrew the colic, I realized I missed our midnight feedings. It was “our” time. I realized too late that I’d wished it away and it was too late to get it back.
I now have an 11 week old second-born. And while he’s not colicky, he still gets up every two/three hours to nurse. I am very cognizant about not wishing it away. I know in a few short months, he’ll begin sleeping through the night and I’ll miss it desperately. So I don’t grump about my sleep deprivation and I don’t wish he’d sleep through the night. God has given me another chance to raise one of His miracles and I’m truly embracing the now.
Now, talk about my crappy, dead-end job and that’s another story. Still need to work on “embracing” that sucker. LOL!
Amen! I could have written that post and would have said the exact same thing. It’s but for the grace of God that I have what I have. Praise Him that he forgives those wasted days that I spent whining about not having anyone and thinking that he was not giving me the “desires of my heart.” What I didn’t realize is that He needed to be the desire of my heart.
Thank you so much for this post and reminding me to enjoy being single. Sometimes I tend to wish this season in my life away, but I appreciate it when I’m reminded to enjoy it while it lasts and allow God to use this season for His glory.
Sincerely,
One of your “single girl” readers.
Big Mama,
This post is amaaaazing!!! I love that you wrote it!!!! I’m a 28 (almost 29) year old woman who JUST recently found the most amaaaazing guy. It was only when I stopped looking and putting things in God’s hand that I was lead to someone some incredible. Your words (from a married woman) speak to the masses of single girls out there—-who sometimes feel like they are NEVER going to find Mr. Right. I love that you wrote this!!!!
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Melanie,
I’m so glad you wrote this post. There are a lot of lonely girls out there that need this kind of encouragement. I was single until 32. I adore being married (8 years in Nov.), and adore my husband even more. But now, looking back, I can see so many things that I should have done during that season of singleness. It is the perfect time to work out those insecurities and emotional issues before the Lord. The future husband will thank you for it!
Loved this post.
VERY TRUE! I am a single 30 year old, never married, no kids … and I feel like an anomoly. But I know that I have to be right with God before I can be right with anyone else! Thanks so much for writing this!
Wow…have you and I been living parallel lives? I was praying and giving thanks to God just the other day that he didn’t give up on me when I was in my twenties. My life and my choices were a big hot mess too. He saw me through it and didn’t give up on me even though I was ready to give up on myself. Thank goodness he saw me through it and now I’ve been married ten years and have two wonderful little boys. I look back on those years now and realize it seems I was a completely different girl. I’m 37 now and looking forward to the 40′s. It’s only getting better!
Amen.
I loved your post, and it reminded me a lot of a book I recently read. It’s called “Cold Tangerines” and is written by Shauna Niequist. She’s a pastors wife and has a lot of wonderful insight for the gals in their 20′s and 30′s. As I read each little vignette, I almost wept with the realization that who and what I am is enough, and to stop waiting for that one special thing, because life is happening all the time.
Great post. I’m 24 and I’ve been married for 2 years. I was one of those “I just want to be married and be a mom” girls. Except I was in the UT business school where that was NOT an okay thing to say out loud.
When I hear of girls my age getting married I think “What?? They are too young!” and then realize that I am also married. Maybe we were young, yes. But we both we seeking the Lord in our relationship and we knew we were making the right decision. It sure does make it hard to encourage girls I know to embrace their singleness since I definitely didn’t.
I feel bad that women feel this pressure. It’s hard to remember that God has a plan.
I’m single again at 33. Thanks for listening to AJ and posting this. It was what I needed to hear today.
Wow great post….I have been married for 15 years, 3 children. I never really had a season of singleness because I married my high school sweetheart at age 20. I wouldn’t change a thing and it is wonderful to trust in the Lord and his plans for us. Enjoyed hearing it from someone who had a different path than I did.
Can I just join the chorus with a resounding “THANK YOU!!”? (Although, my voice joined in the chorus will probably make a weeeee more off key, but that’s neither here nor there.) Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are one of many avenues God is using to teach me this lesson right now. I’m a single twenty-something (making it well more than 5 who read your blog) and could not be more grateful for you and others who address this issue from the other side. I actually had the thought this morning that I’m really thankful for the blogs I read by moms who are witty and insightful and straightforward about messing up. I want more than anything to be a wife and mother, but I’m scared of it too, and the honesty of your heart makes it better, makes it something I look forward to, makes me want to be able to pass on wisdom the way you have here. Thank you.
Mmmmmm, hmmmmmm!!! That was clearly and eloquently stated, Melanie! If only I’d known then what I know now.
Preach it, sista’! Love your encouragement. My husband and I celebrated 5 years of marriage this summer. Everything you said… yes and amen!
I have 2 daughters in their 20′s and your words really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. I am linking them to your blog. I know they will appreciate your experiences and thoughts.
You are an absolute delight and I always look forward to your posts.
Oh Melanie, by the number of comments thus far, surely you know God planned this!
I’m so glad you were encouraged to write it! It blessed me! And I do believe you’re right–women of all ages, married or unmarried will be blessed by this!
Thank you, thank you!
Very well put! Agree with you completely!
I don’t comment here often, and it sounds kinda lame to just say, “Great post” — but — great post.
I was friends with my husband before we dated seriously as well, and I came to a similar conclusion — that it “worked” because we were friends first. I would get nervous on dates and it was hard to relax, be myself, and open up. But since we already knew each other, there was much less nervousness and awkwardness.
And you’re so right about marriage not taking care of our “issues.” I’m so thankful my husband loved me despite and through mine.
That might be my favorite post of your blog yet! (I have only been following a short time) I am not a religions person but everything you say is true regardless of who your “higher being” of choice might be. GREAT advice for ALL women!
You rock!
As a previous commenter said, wow. I also tried my hardest to make a hot mess of my life in my twenties, and am so grateful for the grace of God who loved me enough not to let me do so. I’m sending a link to this post to a friend who is not so young but who is on the verge of welcoming Mr. Wrong back into her life because she is lonely.
What a great post! Thanks for sharing it! I have been very happily married for 7 1/2 years now. You are so right there will always be something that we are waiting to be fullfilled!
I LOVE this and will be passing it on and discussing it with my niece. Thanks for putting into words one of the things I know and have lived, but didn’t know how to express. I know this will be helpful to many young women.
~~Tracy
Lots of wisdom here! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Ok, I’m a lurker, I can admit it. I’m also not religious (I’m comfortable with that too) but I loved this post and I am going to pass it on to a few single ladies in my life.
I’m currently engaged to a man I love very much, and yes relationships are hard work (which they never tell you in the fairy tales) but at the end of the day he will make me laugh and I realize it’s all worth it.
And I just completely agree with everything you said here.
This is so true! I’m in my early 20s, and so many of my friends are getting married, it makes me feel like I’m below the curve or something. But I love your point about finding out who you are first before adding another person to the picture. Thank you!!!
Love your blog — thanks for writing!
Thank you so much for this blog. I might not be a single girl but the rest really hits home.
I started dating this guy when I was 15 thinking “meh, I’m bored he is funny but kind of chubby, and he has RED hair, eww… lets see what happens”. Now I’m 23 and we’re getting married in June on the 8th anniversary of our first date.
Anyways, I love the part about college and learning Japanese yet wanting to be a mom and have a family.
I majored in International Business in college and speak 3 languages. I was determined that I was going to be rich my first year out of school. God had different plans. The week before Commencement I fell and ruined my hand. I’ve done nothing but have my arm and hand rebuilt since May of 2008. Although surgery and rehab has been painful, if I hadn’t hurt myself I would be working two states away in Maine running the multimillion dollar business being completely lonely. So even though I’ve been miserable God has made me realize what is really important. Having health and being with those you love.
I guess now I’m a 23 year International Business major who just wants to be a mom and wife someday. Thank you for pointing out that its okay to verbalize that this is okay to say. I can’t wait to have kids that have the same red hair as their dad. I can always go back to my job in ME, they’re waiting for me. But all I want to do is enjoy this time before I’m married.
Can I get an AMEN. That was written so perfectly and I almost want to print it out and give it to all my single friends. My 20s were much like yours feeling lost confused “trying to figure it out” and lots of tears were shed. Someone gave me the purpose driven life book I read and that book whihc made all the difference in my life. I am now in my mid 30s happily married and all though wish i had met my hubby much earlier, i now realize i had so much to realize about life and most importantly having God in my life has made all the difference.
I love your blog so much and laugh out loud every morning. Today your post was a little more on the serious side but it was so well written and perfectly stated. Anyways great great post for the single ladies!!!
I’m not single, but thank you. I needed the reminder.
Christian.33.Single.Embracing it.Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
To all my single friends, check this out:
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” [~Maya Angelou]…A friend sent this to me. I love it.
Take Care.
Love.
Reese
Thanks for this post! As a “newly” single girl in her twenties, this is exactly what I needed to hear today.
I so relate! I married at 35 and he will eat chili leftovers two nights – okay, one night in row. I had to continually abandon my heart’s desire to the Lord – about once a month, all those years. God gave me a great single life teaching H.S., working w/ Wycliffe Bible Translators – all preparation for marriage and mothering! What I found out after 6 months of marriage: I needed God just as much married, as single! A great lesson. Good post.
I echo the “great post” sentiments! I’m almost 44, never been married. I’m content. If God has a man for me, He will have to drop him right in front of me!
Where were you when I was in my 20s? Oh, yeah, in YOUR 20s!! It’s okay; I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. I did the big things (move cross country, did volunteer work, saw God’s hand in so many ways), but the area of boy-girl relationships was a mess. Because I was a mess. I’m still a mess, but you’re right. God can do great things with messes…when we get over ourselves and let Him move! Now I’m happily (most days anyway!) married to a wonderful man who isn’t afraid to point out areas in my life that could use a little “improving,” shall we say. My sisters wished that for me as I tended to think I was the boss always. Hmmph.
Great post, and I look forward to reading your thoughts (hilarious..I have a six year old boy) every day!
i read your blog every day, but i never comment…
until now that is:)
this post is great–proof that you can be as deep and wise as you are hysterical. besides all the really wise stuff, my favorite part was the “doesn’t wear jean shorts” line. my husband refuses to wear jean shorts because he is not a “jean shorts kind of guy” and i just thought it was funny that you would think of that as a positive attribute.
i got a lot more out of this post than just the jean shorts thing, but lets just deal with the shallow stuff.
and speaking of funny and things totally unrelated to waiting for God’s plan, (and since i will probably never have the time to comment again)…
let me say that your post about your suitcase hunt had a real gem of a line–”nobody puts baby in a corner”
i seriously laughed about that one several times throughout the day thinking about how crazy the sales clerk would think you were.
and that concludes my wandering comment that makes little if any sense.
the main point being you make me laugh.
and now my kids are screaming because i have been ignoring them.
Thank you. Just, thank you.
I found the One early, married him at 22 and just celebrated our fifth anniversary – but I recognize that we were some of the lucky ones. I hope that everyone finds the person and/or the life that makes them truly happy.
Wonderful advice! I wish I had heard it when I was a 20 something single person under my own heap of issues.
Amen! I spent most of my teens and early twenties always wishing for the next step. I wish I’d just learned to be comfortable with myself…would have helped.
Melanie, this is such a lovely post. Thank you. I’ve been married for 10 years, but my two best friends (both 30 now) are single. So I know from their experience that this is a real, difficult issue. But I love what you said about how ALL of us are waiting for SOMETHING. AND, “marriage tends to just amplify whatever junk is in your life.” Sooo true!
Hey Miss Melanie! I’m one of the five…Single and I’ll be 23 in December. Thank you for this post… I’m waiting. And sometimes, it just helps to say it again.
Love, Taylor
Wow. You are so right – about all of it. Being a 20-something is so hard. You’re trying to figure out who you are and trying to find THE guy all at the same time and it is just so hard. Thank goodness I survived. But even though now I’m married and a mama, I still don’t feel like I have everything I want. I feel like something is missing and even though my husband and my daughter are my whole world, I would love to go back to the days before they were in my life and just be single and free again. For like, an hour or two.
I gotta say, I had tears welled up in my eyes by the 4th paragraph in, which meant I had to push through and read the rest w/o snotting on the keyboard.
Anyway, I agree. In college I dated, dated some more, got into more than I bargained for, dated some more and was ultimately heart broken for the majority of my singleness years. (Yes, I can say singleness years b/c I’m crying and I’m pregnant and I want to.)
Before I knew it, I was engaged and graduating and, Lord have mercy, moving 700 miles from all my friends. ONLY, ONLY by God’s grace is my marriage worth 1/10 of $.01 (like one of those BOGO coupons). Had I not met my Savior approximately 6.5 years ago, I’d be divorced and a single mother, no doubt, looking for a new man to fill my voids.
Amen to letting the Lord lead you each day. Amen, Amen, Amen.
Great post and I’m loving all the comments. I loved where you said “It takes work and sacrifice and dying to what you want in return for what’s best for both of you.” So timely for me at this stage of the game, being married 20 years and for the first time in that 20 years not feeling content. I don’t like it, but know that I’ll pull it together and that it is ME and that I need to seek guidance from God. Thanks again for sharing, this was great!
Beautiful post today! Loved it.
Loved this Big Mama!! It ministered to me — even with being married 25 years. After all these good/bad/hard/wonderful years of marriage I still distinctly remember my time of singleness. I remember God’s teaching me during that time because it was so powerful as I had to wait on Him. Here I am now in this different season of life being asked to once again wait on Him and trust Him for the plan that He has for me. Boy, it sure would be a lot easier if He could write His will for our lives in the sky….
Everyone’s comments have encouraged me as I see the God of the Universe working in so many ways. I will pray for you (and me) as we continue to wait on Him and seek His plans.
This blog, Big Mama, was also a great reminder for me to love on and encourage those that are single…
AWESOME! I’m going to forward this to my sister who is on her 2nd horrible marriage. Unfortunately, she has a daughter who is the one who seems to suffer the most…
I will carry this quote with me for a while: “It takes work and sacrifice and dying to what you want in return for what’s best for both of you”. Still trying to embrace this after being married for 8 years. A work in progress, right?
Thanks for the AMAZING post! I need to reposition some priorities.
This is such a great post….I wish I could have read it back when I was in the middle of my turbulent twenties! I have thought a million times that I regret that I didn’t embrace that time more. Living with great friends, gainfully employed, free to come and go as I pleased, and free to use my Nordstroms card to buy all the Stila makeup I wanted! Sigh. Marriage is wonderful and kids are wonderful, but that single girl life was an amazing gift that I wish I had taken fuller advantage of.
Melanie,
You’ve managed to put me in tears. The big crocodile type.
I’m printing this post out and saving it for my son/daughter who has yet to be conceived at age 39 1/2. But one thing I do know … God KNOWS what’s best for me. God KNOWS when I’ll be able to hold a baby instead of always saying goodbye first. God KNOWS my heart.
Thank you from the bottom of it. My heart that is. You’ve blessed my day beyond words. I, too, wished away my 20′s, and you said everything in this one post I’ve wanted to say for years.
This was a Deep read, and it was good. I was 28 when I married and even though at the time I thought I had it all figured out I know now that I did not. I can’t say how much these words would have helped me but they are good and true.
Let go and let God.
These are wonderful words, and I am so glad to see that you can speak them and give comfort to the single girls. Several of my dearest friends in the world are single in their mid-30′s, and while I think of giving this advice, I always fear it will ring hollow coming from someone who has taken a more traditional path and found it very fulfilling.
I love my life and my husband dearly, but you are so right, that marriage is not the thing that completes us. We all have things we dream for and are waiting on God for. Maybe I can be brave enough to forward this link to my friends, and it can serve as encouragement the way it has for some of your other single friends.
I got married the first time when I was 19. I did it because I had made some mistakes in college and went from graduating 3rd in my high school class to being on academic probation at college and then completely blowing off finals. I felt I had disappointed everyone so the next “logical” step would be to leave school and go get married… after all, I am from the south and that’s what a good girl does. I wasn’t even sure of who I was and yet I felt compelled to “move on” even though I had no clue as to what all was involved in a marriage (I had never seen a good marriage in real life).
That marriage ended 10 years later and my 20s were pretty much one bad decision after another… always trying to live up to someone else’s expectations or constantly course correcting based on criticism I received (and trust me, EVERYONE has an opinion but trying to shape your life to suit ALL those opinions will cause you to explode and the mess won’t be easy to clean up).
Thanks for your post. I am 36 now and while I haven’t gotten it figured out, I certainly feel better equipped now than I did then.
Extremely accurate and extremely well said.
I just want to know how you knew my life, when I only just started reading your blog a few months ago?? Although since I had decided that there was no God (that’s what college can do to you)I didn’t have the sense to wait to see what He would do. But in His infinite wisdom, grace and mercy, He brought me my precious husband, and in time, revealed Himself to both of us. In hindsight, my greatest regret is that I didn’t have a relationship with the Lord back then, but how grateful I am that He is so patient!
Loved this. I am one of your 20-something single lady readers and I have to say that of all the Single Girl Christian Lit swirling around, your advice really resonated with me. Thank you for your wisdom!
“I guarantee there are many women in marriages that are so lonely that they long for their single days when at least they had the hope of finding someone who would understand them, love them, and care for them.”
SO TRUE! I hope someone is able to read that and hear that it does happen and not to rush into anything. I’m 27 – so technically still a 20-something – but I’m living that statement every day of my life now. I have two kids and have been a mom for nearly 7 years, so I can’t just “quit.” Take your time and find the right one and don’t do what I did and get married at 18. Live first, then get married. Then try to live an entirely different way.
Thanks for the blog. I didn’t need more tears today but at least these were good ones. It’s good to know there are happy wives out there.
Really great post Melanie! It was great to see you today.
Thanks, well said! It is always good to be reminded, we are not in control.
Serously, did you crawl in my head and get all that from me. I felt the same way about my 20′s and then I met my husband and we were friends for months before we started to date. 12 years later here we are. Better and stronger. But it does take work and the willingness to compromise. And if I only knew at 20 what I know at 40. I would have made different choices. Once I let God have control over the things in my life, he led me to the life he wanted for me. I’m right where I am supposed to be!
Thanks Melanie!!! This is the best post!!!
After following your blog though both a few months of singleness and now a year of married life, I have to say this is the best post you’ve ever written. Well said. And you’re completely right, that you can’t expect Mr. Right to make all-your-dreams-come-true — you have to rely on God and be content where He has you at this point & time in life before He brings you to the next stage of life. I learned that one the hard way…but at age 24 I married my prince charming, and it’s been the best twelve months of my life. And my girlfriend also learning that the hard way, and at age 40, she’ll be marrying her prince in January…it’s her first marriage and it took her a long time to become okay with where God had in her life.
Rock on, sister. Gals need to hear it called straight.
Oh Melanie,
Thanks for the encouragement. It’s so hard to be the lone single in your group of friends, and it’s easy to think marriage will be a solution to my problems. Thanks for the reality check!
I think for me the hardest part about still being single in my late twenties is the fear that I will be single forever… not because I need a husband to complete me, but because I want family that consists of more than my parents and siblings. They’re not always going to be around either– it would be nice to have a little more belonging to another person! And, what can I say? I want a partner in crime. The fear that God will just say, “nope, not for you, sister!” is strong, and it’s hard to remember that He knows exactly what will happen to me. I have to remind myself of that every day.
I really liked this! The different pressures in your early 20s are so confusing. I was the girl saying I just want to be a mom, and facing all of the open jaws. Now I’m 24, we can’t afford kids yet, and I’m still trying to find a carrer because I didn’t think about it when I was actually in college!
I also liked what you said about issues. I met my husband at 18 and married him at 20. While I would never say I regret it, WE would have a lot fewer issues if I had fixed MY issues before I met him.
*um, career
164 comments?? Gee, I think you’ve hit a nerve!
Well said, dear girl. Well said.
Amen! Amen! Amen! I’m sending this to my 3 daughters! Thanks Melanie.
Well said! Thanks I needed that today. I’m having coffee with a dear friend that is her late 30′s and single. She is not happy with herself and needs to seek God instead of Mr.Perfect. But it’s hard for us to relate and getting harder (I’ve been married for 16 years). I know I need to keep praying for her and a peace in her life.
Your young friend was right…you needed to write this post. Your words are so true, and something I wish someone had told me in my very early twenties. Very well done!
As another comment said…Amen. I wholeheartedly agree with you and I’m saving this for my daughters and other young women. It’s something I’ve felt and tried to get across to them, but maybe from Big Mama it will have more appeal! I married at 21 and I’ve been married for 21 years now and I was a mess, and like you said only by the grace and mercy of God have I made any progress.
Melanie…that was an anointed post. Wow.
Amy
Just what I needed to hear/read right now. Thank you so much!!
Amen, sister! Great words for all of us women. I too can see how I could have taken more advantage of the freedom I had before I was a wife and mother. But I wouldn’t change the daily care of my kids, husband and house for it either. I just love seeing your heart through your seriousness and humor.
Thank you! I am a 20something and I’m not waiting for my prince, but I am finding myself not content with where the Lord has me. Thank you! That was what I needed to hear. I LOVE your blog!
Thanks for posting this. You were right about having (more than) a few twentysomething single readers
I’m a single (late) twenty something. What am I #4, #7? What you wrote is EXACTLY what I needed to read/hear. I’m having a hard time with my singleness and I’m ready to move to that next stage of life with a life long companion (and I’m not talkin’ about my dog).
I may just have to link back to your blog from mine…
Thank you for the encouragement
I hate the waiting, but He hasn’t let me down either so there’s a reason for it.
I know many guys in their 20s that feel the same way!
you know i don’t often comment but this needed a big AMEN. I’ll be passing it around, and possibly linking it, and writing my own version, and HOLY COW this is gooooood!
Thank you so much for allowing God to speak through you. I’m single (early 30s) and this is just what I needed to hear today.
Well said! I have also learned this the hard way. You really have to be comfortable and love who you are before someone else can be a part of your life. I think that is so absolutely important!
Wonderful post! There is a heartbreaking song by Trace Atkins called, “You’re Gonna Miss This” and your post reminded me of it. The chorus goes, “You’re gonna miss this. You’re gonna want this back. You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this.”
I’m printing that out RIGHT NOW and giving it to both my son (27) and daughter (22) who are swimming with the sharks in the dating pool and staying frustrated. Especially the 27 year old son who feels like there’s a stopwatch on him to find a wife and settle down because he’s so OLD (i’m laughing as I type that). THANK YOU for your CHRISTIAN WISDOM!!
Wow, I could have wrote this (well, not quite as well. This sounds exactly like my 20s and my advice for girls who are living through it right now.
Wonderful, inspiring post.
The Park Wife
Hi, I have followed your blog for awhile now. I am just here to remind you that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and as a survivor, I am just going to all the blogs that I read to remind you to do your self breast exams. Have a great blessed day and DONT FORGET TO CHECK YOUR BREAST!
I’m just speechless (rare). THIS was beautiful. You have a true gift of ministry on this blog.
Wow! My sister sent me your link today and wow is all I can say! It’s like you have read my mind… I have had a hard time dealing with my singleness for 4 years after being burned by a past relationship. Not to mention the fact that I am turning 25 on Sunday and in my little plan I had for my life… that was the year I was going to get married, and that will not be happening. I often feel like my life has just been put on hold while everyone else’s around me has just kept going, like God maybe just forgot about me. BUT I am trusting that God has a bigger and greater plan than I have for myself and if I am faithful and continue this long and sometimes painfully lonely wait… God will give me the desires of my heart!
Mel, this is such a thoughtful post that has so much wisdom in it. So many times we ‘think’ we know what we need, but in reality the Lord is the only one that really knows what we need. I wish I had been listening to Him more when I was young and making life decisions. We need to realize that being lonely is not the worse thing in the world. When we follow His ways He will show us His best.
Thank you from this lost, but constantly seeking God and peace, 25 year old!
Just lovely, Big Mama!
Thanks for this post! I really needed it1 Being 21 and still in college, I just had this convo with my boyfriend and how much I just wanted to get out of school, get married, and become a mom. I soon realized I’m just rushing life too much and that I need to sit back and enjoy what this point in my life is all about! Thank you so much for allowing me to really understand this and put everything into perspective!
Ummm….this was FANTASTIC! And not just for single ladies. I love how you said that deep down we are all waiting for something, all the time. Well said and well written. God used you in this one!
Great post! My husband and are getting ready to start
a relationship series for the 20s group at our church- I will def be
using this post!
I love reading your posts but I really loved this one. Sometimes I feel guilty for having my own dreams even though I am married and a mother but it is normal to have dreams. I wouldn’t change a thing in my life; even if I was paid a trillion dollars. I do however, dream of traveling and sometimes of being a rich stay at home mom…it’s obviously a case of “the grass is always greener” but at least I know it and I also know that I am extrememely blessed. I love your posts and how you are so open with your feelings. Thank you.
Beautifully conveyed – great encouragement for those who are single AND married.
I’m glad you wrote this post. I spent my teens waiting to go to college to meet a husband, then I spent my twenties living in limbo. I was part of a great group of friends through our singles group at church, but I didn’t really “do” anything because I felt like I was just “waiting” for the next phase of my life, marriage.
In my late 20′s I watched couples that had married early and divorced or couples who were really struggling and I realized that marriage might not be the end all, be all solution. I broke up with someone that I almost married because I wanted to be married and realized that God had spared me from marrying someone who was totally wrong for me. I finally became comfortable with myself and it was not even a year later that I started dating a guy that I had known for several years, casually, who then became my husband a year and a half later.
My only regret from all of that is to think of all I could have done during that time, that I wasted away waiting for the next best thing. I try to remember that now, as a mom of young ones, not to wish away these years, but to enjoy them and do something with them.
Thank you for this post. I’m a single gal in my late 20s (nearing 30 – let’s not talk about it) – and this just reaffirms the thoughts I’ve had along the way. I’ve enjoyed my time in my 20s and liked being single — and now all of a sudden, I’m looking around and seeing all of my friends married with kids and wondering what I did wrong. Your post gives me hope that maybe I didn’t do anything wrong at all.
And it’s really refreshing to hear from someone who is happily married but still remembers her days of being single. From my married friends, all too often I hear, “I’m so glad I never have to date again” or “You’re so lucky to have the freedom to do what you want” or “We just need to find you a good man” — all of which diminish the fact that being single can be hard — just like being married can be hard.
“I can safely say that marriage tends to just amplify whatever junk is in your life because you have someone who may or may not point it out to you and call you on it but you have to love them anyway because you’ve pledged to be bound to them until death do you part.”
So true. I find myself saying to my husband, “I never knew I messed up so much until I got married!” He tends to be bothered by silly little things like leaving the fridge door cracked all day so all of the food spoils. When I was single, I totally could have gotten away with that one without anyone else knowing!
Seriously, I didn’t meet my husband until I was 27 and hadn’t dated at all until then. I had the priviledge of hearing from other women some of the points you made today, and they are right on the mark. I found myself examining the reasons why I wanted a boyfriend/husband, and often they were rather frivolous reasons like I was tired of attending weddings alone or I wanted somebody to go running with. The irony is that the four and a half years I’ve been married, I’ve attended many weddings alone because my husband wasn’t able to come with me due to grad school conflicts. Let’s just say that we’re not running buddies, either! The point is, I figured out a way to be independent and satisfied with life when I was single, and it has served me well in my marriage. We do have fun together, but I’m not relying on him to satisfy all of my needs.
Well said, Big Mama.
I’m one of the “five” single 20-somethings that reads your blog and I feel like you wrote this post JUST FOR ME. Theoretically, I know all of these things. It’s the letting go part that is SO difficult.
From on of your five:
Thank you, lady, for sharing this. As a 24 year old girl whose NEVER dated anybody, this is encouraging. Of course, it doesn’t make the waiting easier, but praise the Lord I am so enjoying my single life right now and living it up as much as I can. (In a godly way of course!) He’s given me a job I absolutely adore and friends I can visit all over the US of A with no strings attached. As hard as waiting is, it’s one of the sweetest parts of the journey!
Preach it sister!
Lindsee
I am a 30something single… and this speaks directly to my heart. I have always known that my life’s purpose is to be a wife and mother. But in order to get there I needed to come to terms with my SELF.
I’m still doing that.
But I am ever hopeful that God will drop my Mr.Perfect into my life the moment he knows I am ready.
Thanks Big Mamma…as a 33 yr old single female…I needed to hear that!
Thanks Big Mamma…as a 33 yr old single female…I needed to hear that!
I am quickly leaving my 20′s…married with a 14 month old and I remember feeling all of these things and then realizing God is the only one who can truly satisfy…if all married women realized this it would be a little bit easier, but like you said we are in a battle and the truest thing about us is our heart. and Focusing on your heart is the best way to find someone who loves you for you.
Beautifully written. I want all my single gfs to read this.
P.S. Glad to know I’m not the only married with child out there who feels that she relates better to single women:)
Thank you for this post, I’m glad your friend made you write it
I am one of those twenty-somethings, and I also just broke up with the guy that “had it all on paper.” I’ve since found out some things about him that prove otherwise, but we live and learn. I think there are enough divorces among people my age out there to prove that marriage doesn’t bring you happiness any more than the perfect job or lots of money. My rule for myself is to be happy alone before I move on to someone else, so far it’s worked out pretty well…when I stick to it 
That was precious Melanie.
Thanks for taking the time to think about this subject, and for writing about it. I really needed to read that post.
I haven’t ever commented before but I loved this post. I think every woman should be required to understand the things you mentioned above!
I think I am the 209th person to comment, so I doubt you will even have the time to read this one, but I wanted to say that I appreciate the post!
I just turned 30 this summer, and I am still single, and it was awesome to read your advice of embracing the single days while I still have them.
I really appreciated that advice, because I think I fall into the pattern of only seeing life from my “single” (double-meaning here!) perspective. I do need to relish this time while I have it. I know it won’t last forever.
Thanks for this thoughtful, heartfelt post!
You really struck a chord there! Wow.
I got married kind of young, and while I believe that God is sovereign so I can’t really think,”What were we thinking?!” it is also interesting to think about how things might have gone if we had waited a little. As it is, we have been married for twelve years, too, and what I loved about what you wrote is about the battle, the laughing, and being the best you can be…marriage is apparently like being in the Army. I laughed out loud right then. You are a great writer, but that is true, isn’t it? Life is such a battle, and to have someone on your side is such a help. As always, great post!
Thank you for allowing God to use your blog to speak to us!
Well said…I just got married September 5th! At age 37 I finally found the man God intended for me..I believe that to my core.
You are so right – Looking for a man to “complete” you is not the answer – only God can fill the hole in your heart. I thank him daily for doing so and preparing me for my husband. It wasn’t until I got out of my self-pity of singleness that I saw that God can answer my prayer – even in my thirties. My timetable means nothing – God’s plan for me means everything!
thank you for sharing your heart and for speaking to those who need to hear!
I love this. Although I am still in my 20s (and am married with my first baby), this is something I always want to tell my single friends. Usually I don’t say anything or preface it with, “I know that I’m married already so this probably sounds obnoxious.”
I think the biggest thing to me is all the ways the Lord can use my single friends – ways that just aren’t feasible for a wife and a mom. I can’t usually up and leave in the middle of the night to support a friend. And I certainly can’t move to another state/country to serve the Lord without lots and lots of prep that I wouldn’t have had when I was single.
I love being a wife and a mom. Sometimes I just wish there was a good way to explain that there’s no need to rush. Good post.
Singles. Listen to her! I have walked the single life, and Mama is wise beyond her years. I have also walked the lonely Christian wife walk. It is better to be single and walking with the Lord than married and miserable. Learn to know your Creator and walk close and let Him guide you.
hit that nail on the head you did – (6 year old obsessed with star wars has me talkin like yoda, Oy Vey!)
my life lessons have sadly been learned on the field trips you describe
Praying that all your single readers follow your sage advise Melanie.
thanks for your thoughts on this very tough subject. i am 22 and married to a wonderful man who loves Jesus. however, i often wonder if i were not married…would i be content? Would my joy be complete in the Lord alone? it is a tough thing to question yourself-especially as I see so many girls struggle through this.
love the verse from 1 Corinthians you used!
Hey Melanie- Thanks for writing this post. I’m a just-turned-30 single something. And like you, I made some mistakes in my early 20′s. God’s grace has been so wonderful, because He’s taught me to really enjoy life as a single person in my later 20′s, and I look forward to all that is still ahead. We’re each walking our own road, and no two people’s look exactly right, huh?
I love your ‘marriage like the army’ analogy- I’m going to remember that- I think it’s got much truth
Thanks for writing this- I love when you write posts about your faith and your heart- they are always so good. Blessings—Beth
I wish I had someone give me this advice when I was in my single season because I did not have God in my life. I am thankful that I have found His love, thanks to my husband. Life is hard no matter what season you are in but with God all things are possible. I love your blog!
Many blessing to you!!
I’m bookmarking this post. As one of those single, twenty-something readers this really resonated with me. Thank you so much.
Thanks. I needed this today…even though I’m not single.
I love your blog and appreciate your wisdom, which you display with humility and humor. It’s awesome to see the God uses you through this blog…keep it up, Big Mama!
I love this. Although I am still in my 20s (and am married with my first baby), this is something I always want to tell my single friends. Usually I don’t say anything or preface it with, “I know that I’m married already so this probably sounds obnoxious.”
I think the biggest thing to me is all the ways the Lord can use my single friends – ways that just aren’t feasible for a wife and a mom. I can’t usually up and leave in the middle of the night to support a friend. And I certainly can’t move to another state/country to serve the Lord without lots and lots of prep that I wouldn’t have had when I was single.
I love being a wife and a mom. Sometimes I just wish there was a good way to explain that there’s no need to rush. Good post.
Thank you so much for this. I stumbled on your blog in the most random fashion, but I couldn’t have needed it more (maybe not so random ?). Thanks so much for sharing this with everyone, I know you have helped me immensely and I am sure you have helped many other 20 something women.
LOVE THIS!
My sweet cousin and I just had a long conversation about the single life, waiting for mr. right, and what makes him mr. right. I am going to send this to her. Thanks for your thoughts!
Ok, Mel, I hear ya…wish you had told me in my twenties! And then again in my thirties!
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