I’ve been so busy over here trying to breathe and watching Youtube video demonstrations on the proper use of a neti pot that I’ve completely neglected to tell you about something that consumed the better part of my week last week.
(By the way, I’m totally lying about watching the neti pot demonstrations. There isn’t enough money in the world for me to watch someone do that.)
(Also, when Andy Warhol came up with the notion that we all have 15 minutes of fame, do you think he could have imagined a world where people would rinse their sinus cavities for all the world to see?)
Caroline had the day off school last Monday for Columbus Day. We celebrated in our usual way, which is to say that we decorated our Columbus Day tree and left cookies by the fireplace in the hopes that the ghost of Christopher Columbus would show up and hide eggs in our yard.
What? Is that not how you celebrate?
I’m glad that we commemorate Columbus Day because I appreciate that he took the time to load up some ships and head off in search of a new world. If not for him, there would be no Starbucks and who would want to endure that kind of existence?
When Caroline got home from school the following Tuesday, I opened her take home folder and discovered a note that said her homework assignment for the week was to create a replica of one of Christopher Columbus’s ships and include five things in the boat that they would have needed to survive the long voyage. The end of the note said that this was something fun to do with your child and to remember “the joy is in the journey, not in the destination”.
I’ll bet five dollars and a raging case of the scurvy that Christopher Columbus would beg to differ with that statement.
The note also suggested that we could use a shoe box or perhaps a can to construct our ship. Because, yeah, you want your kid to be that poor kid that shows up with an empty Spaghetti-O’s can with a paper sail attached to the top of it.
I asked Caroline if she knew what she wanted her ship to look like because I realize now that she is in first grade that I need to involve her in these high-level academic decisions. She looked at me blankly and replied, “I don’t know. How many Twizzlers can I eat before dinner?”
“Well, which ship do you want to make?”
“Maybe the Santita Marita”.
Perfect.
Fortunately, I was scheduled to volunteer at her school last Thursday and was able to do some ship reconnaissance and check out the ones that other classes had already made. If these ships were made by first graders, then Caroline is going to school with some future engineers. There were some sails made of rope material that would make Christopher Columbus weep at the beauty and structural integrity.
I went to Michael’s armed with my limited knowledge of faux ship building and decided that popsicle sticks were the way to go. I’m pretty sure the staff at Michael’s refer to me as “the crazy lady who comes in here once every six months with a desperate look about her and has no idea where anything is located”. However, I found the popsicle sticks, some brown paint and a few other ship-building necessities.
When I picked Caroline up from school that day it was a total score because she informed me that she wanted to make her ship out of popsicle sticks. We were totally simpatico. Unfortunately, about five minutes after I put her to work coloring popsicle sticks with a brown paint pen, she totally lost interest.
But that’s when P happened to come home. He was lured in by the sight of the shoe box and the popsicle sticks and apparently forgot for a moment that these types of projects bring out my particular brand of crazy. I was trying to configure the sticks in just the right way and he said, “I think they’d look better with straight ends. I’ll go get something to cut them with so it will be more symmetrical”.
I don’t know that I’ve ever loved him more.
Sadly, he ultimately decided that it was too difficult to cut every one of the approximately 112 sticks we’d need to complete the project but, for a brief shining moment that was my Camelot, I thought I’d finally brought him around to my level of OCD.
Caroline and I worked tirelessly on her float for the next few days. And by tirelessly, I mean that she watched several episodes of Phineas and Ferb while I tried to figure out how to make a sail out of foam and construct a ship’s wheel from parts from her old train set.
By Sunday afternoon, I knew I needed to reign it in a little bit when I heard P tell Caroline, “Be careful with that. You don’t want to mess up Mama’s ship.”
Is this what I’ve become? A neurotic Thomas Andrews wannabe?
But, you know, without the whole iceberg debacle.
So I handed the paintbrush and the glue to Caroline and she finished the rest of the ship. In fact, she even came up with the five items they would have needed to make the voyage after she rejected my suggestion of wine, toilet paper, and Pepto-Bismol. Our ship contained a barrel of apples, a wooden cow, some hay for the animals, rope and a compass.
Oh, and the piece de resistance was a pink rooster absconded from her old train set and glued to the top of one of the wooden things that holds up the sails. I want to call it the mast but I don’t know if that’s correct and I’m not about to look it up.
In the end, we looked at our replica of the Santita Marita and we were well pleased.
And still reasonably sane.
My 3rd grader had to do a project last year on LEGOS. He helped, but, of course, I did the majority of the project. My neighbor’s daughter also had to do a project similar to my son’s, but she made her daughter do it all by herself. At the school open house, she looked at the projects and asked the teacher if her daughter got extra credit for actually doing the project herself. She has five children though, so I guess her OCD tendencies have waned over the years.
Thank goodness my kids haven’t had to do a project like this. I am sure I would have a breakdown as I have no creative bone in my body. I could never come up with something like this.
That looks so great! My mom would have sent me to school with the empty spaghetti-o’s can with a sail attached(This is not meant to be anything against my mom, she’s great, but crafts are just not her thing). I’m glad to know you are still sane after the whole ship carpentry ordeal
Oh, how I remember those days! Not with longing, but with gratitute that our family survived four children and their school projects! In fact, instead of reminiscing about how quickly they had grown up as they walked through graduation with their cap and gown, all that was running through my mind was “Praise God! No more scale models of New York City made out of toothpicks! I never again have to construct a roller coaster out of…well, anything! No more marshmallow and popsicle stick cabins! Praise the Lord, I survived!”
Yes, they were proud moments!
(You did GREAT, by the way! Only 11 more years to go…)
You know, people in Ohio were hating on Christopher Columbus. Oh, it is still a bank holiday, but the kids go to school, they don’t even dignify the day with any type of lesson or anything. Apparently, he was not too nice and they believe that he wasn’t the one to first discover the new world. They think that the “new world” wasn’t so new. So sad! But, your mother ship looks lovely!
Good job Big Mama! Looks like you’re going to pass first grade! Your story reminds me of how my dad would always get excited and take over our projects. That’s true love for your child…or at least for popsicle sticks, paint, and glue.
Too bad you didn’t post about this while it was still a work in progress! The Nina and the Pinta came to our town for Columbus Day weekend and we took the kids to tour them… I have a million pictures plus detailed information about how the ships were built. It could have contributed even further to your level of OCD.
http://thenina.com/
I think the teaachers have realized the children aren’t really doing the work, and so now they assign these projects as a joke on the parents… who then spend a fortune and days of labor trying to create a masterpiece.
I love creating and have a tendency to take over, thankfully my girls are equally opinionated and guilt me into “allowing” them to do their own thing:-) It is so hard to let go…but honestly what they come up with is usually better than mine anyway!
Love the ship!
My youngest of four is finally in 8th grade so I’m no longer responsible for
the kids projects. Praise the Lord! There were a few over the years that about did me in.
How fun! You and your daughter did a fantastic job. We don’t have kids yet, but my husband is going to be JUST LIKE YOU when we do. He’s OCD to the max with things like this.
BTW, I just started following your blog, and you are hilarious!
To think that you worked like mad on your, I mean Caroline’s project while enduring Candace screaming, “MOMMMMMM, PHINEAS AND FERB ARE MAKING A TITLE SEQUENCE!!!!!”
I barely stay sane on a good day after two episodes.
I just hate projects. They stress me out. That is all. : )
Big Mama- this is just the beginning. You may want to go get some special little pills (from your doctor, of course) that have helped many a mama through this. I agree that it has become a competition among the parents. I love your recommendation of wine, toilet paper and pepto bismal!
bwuahahahahahahahaha.
that is all.
I have two children and we call them family projects. Every project they’ve been assigned has been a joint effort and I really don’t see how it could be otherwise. My son had a bug project last month and all four of us were out in our area swamp looking for and chasing bugs. They will be some fun memories to look back on for all of us.
LOVE it!! Christopher Columbus would be soooo incredibly proud!!!!
Better you than me, my friend. My ship building skilz would have sent me over the ships bow!!! or side, or whatever you call it.
Suzanne
I am absolutely dreading these projects. I fear my kid will be the one with the empty Spaghetti-Os can…
I laughed over your line about future engineers… I too was made to do a project for my son. It was a castle complete with a pulley or a lever system so that it could be a science project!! I was so annoyed that I went out and got the supplies at the store the lady there immediately asked me – Solar System or Castle?? Apparently every parent in town had a project to make. I determined to do the whole thing completely by myself and see what mark a grown women would get on a third grade project. I didn’t do too bad – not quite the top of my class because there were a few engineer parents in his class – apparently!
I live in Columbus (OH). We celebrate our namesake’s special day by going to work and school as usual.
What other “holidays” does Texas observe? (or is it just your city–Fiesta anyone?)
I so don’t do my kids’ projects for them… I’ll help, but I’m too lazy and craftless to do anything spectacular. When my son had to make a leprechaun trap this last March (not kidding), I grinned and said, “Good luck! Call if you need supplies!” and wandered back to the computer. He did a good job, though!
Oh. My. This is so funny! Thanks for the laughs! It brought back memories of having to construct a ping pong launcher using a mouse trap for 7th grade science class. I remember my dad spending all weekend in the garage trying to construct that thing!
You crack me up….
Dang…I so wish I wasn’t OCD and perfection-ista so that I could’ve been set free to sail away with spaghettio cans
My poor future child…I’m going to need help.
AWESOME!! How much would you charge me to come to SE TX and make my sons class project? This year it’s Indian themed and wouldn’t you know it my son picked the tribe that were canibals! HELP!!!
This story brings back sooo many memories of the school projects when my sons were that age. Trust me, you will have many more of these “learning experiences”!!
I just have to say that I love Caroline’s outfit! Your little fashion icon is the cutest!!
It is a fiesta float in disguise! Emma is in first grade, but has not had any projects like these.
As a kid, my dad, an engineer, “helped” me with my projects. He was a sailor too, so he would have LOVED this project. You are correct, though. It is called a mast.
That looks great! My mom always made me do my own projects, Caroline is lucky!
I love your stories about all the things you have–I mean Caroline–has to make for school! You and I definatly were cut from the same OCD(or rather, CDO)cloth!
Your ship looks great!!
On a completely and totally unrelated subject, how is your adopted child from the Dominican doing? Do you get updates?
My poor children are doomed!
The oldest is in KG and I already know that she will feel “lucky” if she shows up with the spaghetti-o’s for class!
I still hold strong that I will guide but not do their homework/projects/Kindergarten dissertation…but assignments like that won’t help family peace, that’s for sure!
Here’s my take on this:
http://theamateursuburbanite.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-saw-glipse-of-future-homework-and-it.html
I really don’t understand why any school projects are allowed to be made at home instead of the classroom, sans “helpful” room parents. Kids need the actual experience to register in their brains.
That is a seaworthy vessel!
I am only going to admit this to you, but I only knew who Thomas Andrews was (without clicking the link!) from watching “Titanic.” How sad is that? I bet Caroline could tell you who he is without watching “Titanic.” Then again, she did call her ship the “Sanita Marita,” so maybe we’re even.
Oh, my… I totally feel your OCD. Out here in California, 4th graders all study the Missions, and all 4th graders have to build a miniature replica of one of the Missions, and all 4th grade parents GO INSANE! I just couldn’t help myself. I had to make those tiny palm trees out of fabric and pipe cleaners, and fashion a tiny veggie garden out of beads. It was like making a doll house! I am the mother of boys so it was my only shot at cute little miniature things. I exercised much better control at science fair time, and made him actually do it himself.
Hi. Delurking…
Good job on the project. I have the same ocd problem.
I LOVE Carolines outfit! She’s a doll!
It looked great. My son has a diaroma due next week. I guess thats how you spell it, the shoe box thing. It’s due Tuesday and we havent even started on it yet and here it is Thursday. I guess I know what we will bw doing this weekend.
Your trauma from pre-school is showing through. At one point you referred to her ship as a “float”. I’m assuming a nightmarish flashback to McDonald’s toys on a shoebox???
Family projects kinda drive me crazy. I’m plenty crafty, but don’t see the need to strut my stuff on my daughter’s assignments… I already went to school myself, thank you very much! In 1st grade they were supposed to make a poster of a sentence showing alliteration using the initial of their name. I ask you, do you think Larry already knew the word Lugubrious in 1st grade? Why do we all feel the need to show off? All it does is give the kids a false sense of their accomplishment, so when they are truly on their own (4th grade? 8th grade?) they won’t like what they have created. My kids make their own things with my input, and we all like it better that way.
That ship looks amazing!! I’m impressed!
And I have to tell you, I was sitting on the couch reading your blog while my hubs sat on his chair watching something on TV and I suddenly blurted out, a Neti pot??? What in the world’s a neti pot? He didn’t know, I even tried to pronounce it different ways, thinking maybe I just didn’t know what I was saying. So then, of course, we HAD to youtube it and, let me just say, we haven’t laughed so hard for months. I was grossed out, pained, and hysterically laughing all at the same time.
I just can’t get past the cuteness of Caroline’s outfit!! The heck with the hours spent on the “Santita Marita”, the outfit is the best! I just hope that the weather has cooled off in TX for her to be dressed that warmly!
Thanks for posting about the perils of school projects – you are so funny!! (I think toilet paper, wine and Pepto-Bismol should be included in all of her future projects – for you!)
Oh I would want to throw up if my 1st grader came home with that project!!!!
You make me laugh. I’m glad you finished.
I know I should be admiring the ship, but all I really care about is WHERE YOU BOUGHT CAROLINE’S SKIRT/DRESS.
All right…here’s my brand of crazy: This, my dear, is why I want to home school.
Sure turned out cute, though!
The raging case of scurvy made me snort.
Daughter made a log cabin out of popsicle sticks and Hubs made tiny notches in them so they would stack properly. (Hello, Lincoln Log.)
I feel your pain.
I cannot even imagine when I have a child and they have to do these projects. I’m betting I won’t even let them touch it.
I guess I should work on that.
How times have changed. In the dark ages, my parents never helped with the school projects—maybe just to remind and remind that the due date was approaching. And, if it was apparent that parental help was more than just a little help, the teacher took off points. but maybe that’s when we were a bit older. foggy memory. the smiling face is priceless.
I call that parent homework. I believe once you have children you are right back in school yourself. The cool thing about that is, I am a pro at “So you think you are smarter than a 5th grader”
You could start one heck of a business doing these preschool/elementary projects. I’m sure you’d find customers far and wide who would give anything to have an OCD mom make their kid’s project. All of a sudden you have me very scared, my first grader hasn’t had a project assigned, but I feel sure there’s one coming on very, very soon. I’ll be in touch……
My first grader was adopted from China in 2003, I’ve been through all this project mayhem before with my bio kids who are now 22, 20 and 17, far beyond the age of mommy created projects. I just realized though, at this very moment, the reason I can NEVER throw away a shoe box. Did you know a cotton ball, when pulled on and adjusted just so makes great billowy smoke for a thanksgiving themed pilgrim encampment?
See…my poor children are stuck with the completely uncreative me. They actually INSIST that I remain as far away as possible. I’m not sure if its because of my lack of ingenuity or my insane behavior.
Austin now calls Tacie to come over and assist with projects…she can empathize with him since I was also her project helper as a child. They just look at me and shake their heads.