P and I bought our first computer back in 1997. I remember it clearly because I still wasn’t sure why anyone would need a computer because the whole internet thing was obviously just a passing fad, like indoor plumbing or telephones.
Honestly, I don’t know why I feel the need to begin this post with the entire history of our computer ownership. It’s completely and totally irrelevant. Well, except it does provide a basis to show that I really have no business messing with technology.
What you need to know is that up until about a year ago, we had that exact same mammoth desktop PC. That sound you hear is Bill Gates crying. Every now and then we’d lure some high school tech wizard to our house to perform some computer maintenance in exchange for fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. It always ended the same way, with some sweet sixteen year old boy asking me when was the last time we updated our virus software and I’d say, “What? Would you like another cookie?”
And then we’d give him a bundle of cash so he could run up to the local computer store (I have no idea what it was actually called) and buy whatever we needed to make our computer quit having a spaz. (You should see the look the teenagers would give me when I would refer to the computer as having a spaz. It’s probably similar to the look you just got when you read the words. A look of disbelief and horror.)
In the meantime, I became employed by a big pharma company that gave me a laptop, although I’m using the word “gave” lightly because they took it back so quick it made my head spin once I resigned. But part of the benefit of the laptop was the company paid for us to have wireless internet in our home, which meant I could sit on the couch and use the computer and that’s pretty much the reason this blog even exists. Had I been chained to our desktop PC and the hard, wooden chair at our desk as opposed to using a company computer for personal use while on my comfy couch, I would have thrown in the blogging towel after about a week.
This is really so much more information than you need and I’m so sorry but I cannot stop.
In March 2007, I took part of my quarterly bonus from the big pharma company and bought myself a Macbook, partly because I really wanted a Mac and partly because I was growing increasingly paranoid that the tech department at the big pharma company was tracking my every internet move and might have reports linking me to frequent use at some inappropriate site about large women who are mothers. Please note that I wasn’t paranoid enough to sit at my desk and use the PC, just paranoid enough to obsess over it while using the company laptop.
From the day I brought the Mac home (almost THREE YEARS AGO) it has never connected to our wireless internet very well. If it ever went to sleep then it would totally lose the connection. I’d have to wake it back up, put it back to sleep and then wake it up again. That highly technical method would usually work, but if it didn’t I resorted to a method I like to call whining and crying in frustration.
But yet, BUT YET, I never called AT&T to complain.
Even though I knew it was their fault because my Mac was always happy to connect to the wireless whenever we weren’t at home. It’s as if it wanted to do its business anywhere but in the comfort of home. Frankly, it reminded me of trying to potty-train Caroline.
To make a long story short (Oh sure.) I quit my job and they took the work laptop. Then about a year later, our PC died a slow death. As it turns out it’s not really a good idea to just turn down the volume on an old computer that is beeping loudly to let you know that the fan isn’t working and its over-heating. Who knew?
And so now we have one computer.
I’ve been desperately trying to convince P that he needs his own laptop. He insists he doesn’t need one. I say for someone who doesn’t need one, he sure spends a lot of time on mine and how am I ever going to break my high score on Bejeweled if he’s busy looking at reloading sites?
But this really isn’t the place to air our dirty tech laundry.
The whole point of this entire thing has been to share that our internet issues with the Mac finally reached an all-time high. P began to ask me every day to please call AT&T and figure out what was up with our internet.
(Why does he care so much if he doesn’t even use the computer enough to warrant having his own? Something to think about.)
And every day I would avoid calling AT&T because there is nothing I hate worse than having to deal with any sort of customer service department for a major corporation. I’d rank it up there with shopping at Walmart on a Saturday or going to the pool without my toenails painted. I just knew I was destined to spend HOURS of my life pressing 1 if I wanted tech support or 2 if I needed to pay my bills or 3 if I was about to bleed out of my eyes.
This has been going on for THREE YEARS.
I have put off calling them for THREE YEARS.
It finally came to head last week after P wrote that whole post on gifts for the outdoorsman and the internet went out and the entire thing was lost. He told me that I shared a least part of the responsibility for the whole debacle because I’d neglected to call AT&T for THREE YEARS.
(I know you may be wondering why he didn’t call AT&T himself. The answer is that he is not in charge of anything tech related in our home. In return, I am not in charge of anything that turns up dead or anything that is alive and unwanted. It’s a system that works well when one of you isn’t a dreadful combination of forgetful and a procrastinator.)
(Case in point: I have been wearing Degree Super-Strong Deodorant for Men for three weeks now because I can’t remember to buy some Secret while I’m at the store. And every morning when I get dressed and remember I need deodorant, I decide I can wait until tomorrow.)
Anyway, he said that he couldn’t be held responsible if he got so frustrated one day that he decided to throw the entire computer out the back door even though he realizes it’s not the computer’s fault. And so I took immediate action and thought about calling AT&T and then forgot.
Until Tuesday when we reached internet crisis mode. The Mac wouldn’t connect no matter what we did. And so I resorted to drastic measures and called AT&T. I had to push about eight different numbers and tell a computer what I needed.
“HELP. I NEED HELP.”
And finally I got a real live person on the phone.
For the first few minutes she didn’t really instill a lot of confidence in me. Mainly because I had specifically stated that I needed help with a Mac instead of a PC and she kept referring to my “Sa-Fairy” internet browser. (It’s Safari for you PC users out there. Safari. Just like in Africa or the drive-through zoo in New Braunfels, TX)
And then she kept asking me to type things into my “Sa-Fairy” browser even though I kept trying to explain that I had NO INTERNET CONNECTION. I was close to telling her that they needed to send some sort of computer wizard out to my house, when she asked, “When you look at your internet connection does it show that you’re connected to 2WIRE665?”
I replied, “No. It says Netgear.”
“What’s Netgear?”
“Well, it’s the name of our router.”
“Why do you have a router?”
“I DON’T KNOW. WHY DO I HAVE A ROUTER? AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO NOT HAVE A ROUTER?”
She calmly said, “No, you don’t need a router since you have a Mac. You probably needed one with your old laptop and your desktop, but you’ve been trying to connect to the internet the wrong way.”
FOR THREE YEARS.
So I unplugged the router, connected immediately to 2WIRE665 with the password found on the bottom of my modem, and have had nary an internet problem since.
Which works out since this whole internet thing appears to have some staying power.
And also since I have a blog.
And also because P hasn’t missed a chance to let me know that I could have solved this problem with one simple phone call THREE YEARS AGO.
Three years?!!! That’s nuts!!! But it so sounds like something I would do. So fear not- you are not alone. But as for the internet? I think it’s just a passing fad. Mwaaaaah!
Oh, Melanie, Melanie…how long have you been married?
When something like that happens, you *NEVER* tell him how easy it was. You make up this story about how you and the ‘tech’ had to work HOURS on the phone re-configuring your (and here, you should google some tech terms to throw in)so you could restore a working connection.
…advice given by someone celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary today.
Dear, sweet Melanie. I am so sorry your computer has caused you such grief. Hopefully, now that the internet is working, you’ll be on it more; thereby causing P to be on it less, and that will justify you buying him a new computer for his birthday/anniversary/start of deer season/whatever.
Those doggone routers!
I love your blog dearly and happen to work for this “large corporation” that you blamed for your blonde moment! (I am blonde, by the way…) Can we get an apology? There was alot of AT & T bashing there.
{I was actually scurrying to think if I knew someone in a Department that could escalate this so there was no danger of your blog going MIA!! haha!}
I don’t know why you are so worried about your posts being too long. I like your longer posts b/c it gives me more time to laugh. This was hilarious.
I like the deal about the techy stuff vs. dead stuff that you and P have going on. I think some sort of similar arrangement needs to be made in my own home….
=))
=))
my PC monitor makes Bill gates cry, too. How preachy, isn’t it?
But a laptop i will soon purchase, worry not.
I don’t know which I like more, that you have the same disdain for customer service as I do, or that you are as addicted to Bejeweled as I am!!!!! (however, I myself am more a Bejeweled Blitz kind of girl!)
I would have avoided it too:)
Totally sounds like me! You make me laugh! Thank goodness you will be blogging for a long time!
Don’t forget you need some deodorant
I hate calling customer service places. That’s why my husband is in charge of that. If we have to have two computers and 4 remotes to work a tv, then he can fix all the problems!
Glad P didn’t throw you Mac out the window, that was making me nervous!
Every time my dad comes to visit he tells me I need to call the phone company and find out my password so he can connect to the internet wirelessly. Every time I tell “Sure, dad. I’ll call them next week.” Ha. Over 4 years later and I still haven’t called them. I forget until he comes to visit. Oh, well. He’s gone this long, it won’t hurt him to wait a little while longer.
You are totally justified in not calling for three years, totally! Sometimes my hubby and I have unspoken stand-offs when it comes to stuff like that (mostly related to household things, like washing the van, ironing, dusting the top of the TV armoire or ceiling fans)!
Who knew you could fix a problems so easily? I can see your Bejeweled Blitz score soaring with all your new free time already!
Yep, it sounds just like our house. Well, expect we actualy have 2 laptops now. Honestly, if P ever gets one, you won’t know what in the heck you ever did without 2.
Hi MAC,
This made me crack up…this pretty much is me to a “T”: ”
I’m a PC.
“I hate worse than having to deal with any sort of customer service department for a major corporation. I’d rank it up there with shopping at Walmart on a Saturday or going to the pool without my toenails painted.” LOL, I almost had an anxiety attack yesterday talking with SONY about our stupid laptop that has been making a loud engine noise like it is about to take off in flight. Two hours of my life I will never get back. Glad your phone call was fairly harmless.
Heather
p.s. Which big pharma company I wonder….???
Once, growing up, our one toilet (family of five) messed up. It wouldn’t catch properly in the back when it filled up, and it would just run and run and run. Which obviously was not only annoying but also not very cost-effective. So you had to reach down and turn the rusty knob under the toilet every time you had to flush. Then once it filled up, you had to turn the water off and flush the toilet. And it took awhile to fill up. Which meant that my two brothers, just wanting to take a quick pee, would rarely go through the arduous process of flushing. Uh, yeah, that was pretty gross. (Such is the life w/two brothers, I suppose.)
Anyway, my mom finally convinced my dad to try and fix it.
He did.
All it needed was a $0.69 part.
Six months of toilet agony for under a buck. Which any of us would have gladly paid.
Three years?! I’m not even going to fuss at you about waiting that long–but what I want to know is, just how exactly DID you manage to wait that long?! I’d have died a slow and painful death, similar to your 1997 PC. (Which by the way, until last year, my mom happened to be using…)
My husband and I are married with no kids. We have more computers in our house than we do people and animals. He’s a junkie…
I was just on the phone Sunday morning with (clueless) Qwest tech support. I couldn’t get any internet connection–gasp! Of course the first Qwest brainiac told me I need to change my browser settings, too. Um, no. That little thing on the bottom that says NO CONNECTION? That’s the problem. “Well it is a computer problem, not a network problem, so call Dell”. Yeah, right. I called Qwest again hoping to get a more clued-in rep. At least he was going to have me do the “unplug and restart everything move”. Well I wasn’t about to do that before hubby woke up (he is a little more tech savvy than I am). Guess what? On a PC it was the router that was causing problems. Actually the problem was hubby got himself a new Sony PlayStation 3 for Christmas and has it connected to our wireless internet. And the computer must feel threatened by the PS3 because it changes our IP address everytime the PS3 tries to connect online. Now if I have problems I just have to unplug the router and plug it back in.
Oh my gosh! I have a mac and had this exact same problem for over a year. I finally called AT&T and got it fixed about 6 months ago. It is amazing! So glad to know I am not alone!
You are an absolute hoot! Thanks for giving me my daily dose of laughter. Love, love, LOVE your blog!!
This is one of the benefits of having young adult children…they will be home for the holidays and there is a list of one or ten or a hundred tech questions I need answered. Apple is actually quite nice to deal with but I prefer my children.
Story of my life. The radio in my Honda hasn’t worked properly for four years and someone suggested that it’s probably just loose wires — an easy fix — but that would mean I’d have to TAKE IT IN TO THE REPAIR SHOP. Which I hate as much as having to call Customer Service of a large corporation.
So, no radio. FOUR YEARS. And no end in sight.
Wow. It felt like it took three years to read that post, but it is very funny.
I bet (and I know about these things since my dear hubs is employed in the pharma business right this very second) that your router was sent to you by your company. And that router has some RIDICULOUS firewalls in it – because I know that anyone would want to tap into a pharma system and pull up exciting things like expense reports and QTQ’s, but whatever – and those firewalls usually spell instant death for a wireless signal.
In other words, leave it to Big Pharma to mess with the free choice of having easy internet access in your house.
However, I can’t say anything since Big Pharma pays my bills. So I will hush now.
Our dinosaur went kapput last week, and we’ve tried desperately to revive it, but we didn’t want to pay the $100 to take it to the computer place to get it fixed. Somehow we messed it up so bad that we couldn’t even pull up Windows! So my husband headed out last night at like 8:30 and drove into town (which is like 30 min) to get us a new laptop!!! I LOVE it!! I was up until almost midnight playing on it!
Thank you, Melanie!!
Now our mac has wireless internet! We tossed our router when we moved b/c I thought, “who needs this?” Not Mac users!
I love your stories!
Is there really a “drive-through” zoo in TX? Is that for the people who promise to spend the day with their kids then realize they don’t have time so they run through the McDonald’s drive-through on the way to the zoo drive-through and then call it a day?!
I too make procrastination and forgetfulness a regular part of my day. Thanks for the laugh!
This post made me laugh so hard I bout fell outta my chair!
That’s why I’m thankful that when we took the plunge into the 21st century and bought a computer, we had THREE teenage sons in the house. And even though they were homeschooled and were plunging with us, they could fix our little (and big) bobbles in a heartbeat.
I think this generation must get its computer savvy by osmosis. Or in the womb.
I don’t think there is a soul on the planet (OTHER THAN P) who would blame you for waiting three years to call AT&T. Honestly. But what a pleasant surprise that they were able to HELP you! In a way, it’s nice to have consistently low expecations, because then eventually someone is bound to exceed them … and what a happy day THAT is! Glad it was AT&T’s day.
It’s like another language. I’m not fluent.
Don’t feel bad, Melanie. We all have a touch of “that” in us!
Procrastination can be the enemy, haha!!!!!!!!
The overheating thing with the beeping and the fan and the bad noise? I did the very same thing. I turned the volume down. The neighbor came to update our computer and we were having issues. He asked about the heat thing and I said, “Oh yes. I just turn the volume off.” “Um, Amy, it is doing that for a reason. Your fan is out and you may have burned the computer up.” I didn’t know. He never told me that the beeping was a bad thing. Oh well. The PC was resurrected [as you can hear the glorious sound of angels singing in the background] and I have promised not to ignore beeping sounds again.
Funny about your internet! I would have done the same thing there, too.
I’ve been stalking your blog for a few months now and love it, but just had to comment today! Right before checking your site, I called the USPS. After 5 minutes of pressing this and saying that, I actually screamed at the recorded voice. “GIVE ME A PERSON.” (Now I have to explain to my kids that it’s not appropriate to yell at people OR recordings.) She calmly responded, “I’m not sure I understand.” So, I totally relate to your aversion to calling customer service. It does NOT bring out the best in me!
That was so dang funny … mostly b/c I too have been wearing my husbands deodorant lately … and I even went to Wal Mart last night … but yet forgot again to buy it.
I totally get the 3 years thing … procrastination perfected.
OMG I have been running on laptops for almost 5 years now and my kids have a desktop I picked up on Ebay that runs XP. Hubby has had his laptop a lil longer than I have. I cannot begin to imagine our lives without them. And noone is allowed to touch my laptop. This could be the reason we have so many running…LOL
Steff
Oh no!! I have to say, I totally share your disdain for calling customer service reps and will put it off as long as I can (except my husband is not nearly as patient as P. Mine would have been yelling after about 3 days.) Which is why I love the online chat features a lot of companies offer now- I can deal with the problem while playing Bejeweled.
This made my laugh so hard – I avoid phone calls to customer service like the plague – I hate it when I miss fixing something so easy though!
That is a hilarious story and sounds like me! I have been putting off calling the bug guy. We don’t have bugs yet…
i will do that now and then go Christmas shopping!
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages! Deodorant procrastination. Check!
And “Sa-Fairy.” I am so calling it that from here on out.
Also, P definitely needs his own laptop for Christmas since he will have his own spin off blog within the year. I am sure of it.
Hahahahaha! I am with you on the whole avoiding-calling-large corporations thing. Fortunately, though, I have never had to deal with a technology problem on my own because I am blessed with plenty of extremely geeky relatives.
This? This is what I’m talking about.
So familiar, so familiar …and my sis actually works for them and she keeps telling me .. it is really simple .. let them help you.
I finally called a month ago and now we are all set. I won’t tell you how long I waited.
It didn’t seem that long when the days were tick tocking away ..
We have a cable modem that we BOUGHT after renting one for a year or so. However, after about 5 years we are still paying a couple dollars a month for the rented one WHICH WE ARE STILL CONNECTED TO because I refuse to call our ISP and sit on the phone for next to forever while they tell me how to swap them out!! FIVE YEARS!
Britt finally stopped asking. After I kept saying things like “I forgot” “I didn’t have time today” (yes I had time to read 3 blogs and write my own). I like to think it’s about priorities…..
PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!!!……TOMORROW.
What? 3 years is considered a long time to avoid dealing with AT&T? I could tell you stories about the many, many ways I procrastinate to avoid dealing with lame customer service agents.
And the fact that you’re a Bejeweled addict? Makes me like you even more.
I love, love, love this story! And the men’s deoderant? I’ve totally done it. In fact, my husband is currently using Bath & Body Works body wash because I keep forgetting to replace his normal kind.
Oh honey, I can so relate to the Procrastination Problem. I get so embarrassed when my husband asks me if I’ve done something . . . “yet.” Argh!
Absolutely hilarious post, as usual.
I had a similar experience with AT&T customer service recently. I had no connection at all and how was I going to pay bills if we didn’t have internet?
The rep that I talked to had never heard of Vonage and seemed to think that was what was messing up our connection (even though we had already had it for about 2 years). After spending over 2 hours on the phone with him while I unplugged everything, plugged it back in and restarted my computer 42 times, he finally realized that service was out in my whole neighborhood and I would just have to wait. Gee thanks for the waste of an afternoon!
This is an unbelievably funny post. From the computer spazzing out to the push three/bleeding out your eyelids…I have to file this one away! Bravo, Big Mama.
you’ve just described my life. By the way, buy some deodorant, that stuff of P’s will rot your pits in a few more days.
This post made me laugh – first because my SIL used to work as a drug rep for a pharma (based on the amount of Zyrtec pens, golf towels, etc. she gave us, maybe the same one as you?) and when she resigned after havign my nephew, I think they were at her house to pick up the car and computer within HOURS! Second, your story was funny, but third, I laughed because I really thought that whole post was an intro to a giveaway for the computer Boo and Kelly are giving away. Oh well, it was entertaining nonetheless!
Heh. Very funny post.:o) I feel your pain of not wanting to call big corporations. I am also currently procrastinating calling:
-ATT with TWO separate internet issues
-Kitchen Aid with a mixer related issue
-DirecTV with a DVR related issue.
I don’t know how long I can put these off. Hopefully until after the holidays.
You are cracking me up! Three Years!!! You certainly made this a fun lunch. Thanks
Love your writing and your blog and the funny way you put everything in perspective!
hysterical – thanks for a good laugh today!
Just so you know, I think we may be related. My FB status read yesterday, “Apparently there is some twisted part of my psyche that thrives on the chaos created by procrastination. At least I hope that is my problem.”
I went through something similar two years ago. I purchased a nice (really nice) Dell and from the moment I purchased it the stupid thing stopped working (all the Window icons disappeared). We call Customer Service and it started to work. Next day it stopped again. Tried everything and it didn’t change. Called them back and I was so frustrated with their service I said screwed it. I found a way to connect to the internet but that was still rocky and on top of that we had no sound. Not wanting to deal with customer service anymore I just went on like that for a year. Finally I was so frustrated I emailed support and they replied immediately. Their instructions worked. It worked and I had sound!
We must both be stubborn, lol.
You will never live that one down.
Ok, I do not usually comment but there is a website you can go to that gives you a telephone number to an actual person at companies. I have used it many a time and it has saved me from talking to a machine for quite a while. The website is http://www.gethuman.com. AT&T is up there also!
I feel your pain, I have absolutely NO computer knowledge….at all. I’d love to take a “Computers 101″ class but unfortunately I live in the mountains with access to nothing…or noone!
I bought my computer just a month and a half ago and it took me a month to figure out how to get internet access and until today to get my own e-mail account…sad, I know
If anyone has any ideas of how, or where I could go for help I’d appreciate it
This is hilarious! I have so done the same thing! And men – I swear, what would they do without us?!
ROFLMAO! This is why I married a techie!!!
Aaaaah dang! That stinks!
Glad you have it all going on now! I bet taht badboy is smokin!
Trying to get a live person on customer service within a reasonable period of time will make you lose your will to live! I feel the pain!
laughing outloud, but glad your problem is solved!
Trust me when I say that the ease of solving this problem is THE EXCEPTION, so go easy on your procrasting habits. It is now virtually impossible to live without one’s own personal tech support team!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is really all I can comment to this post.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHA!!! SO funny!
I cannot express to you the recent issues we’ve had with AT&T. Everyone who has come to our house in the last couple of weeks to try and troubleshoot has been tremendously nice. BUT it’s all being really funny and fishy. They’ve crawled in our crawl space (we haven’t even done that) and re-wired. Now they are rewiring us all the way from the telephone pole to our house….
It’s been very dramatic.
I wish I could find a simple solution to our Internet problem. We have Verizon DSL and I’ve been calling them for the last few months about once a week. DH finally told them that if our problems didn’t resolve after sending a new modem, this is our third one, then we are canning them. So, Verizon may get a pink slip in a few weeks. Happy New Year.
We bought our oldest young’un a MacBook – now we all want one! By the way your nephew is truly a keeper! God Bless the whole family!
I’m having similar problems with my landline phone system. It either won’t ring (so my callers tell me via my cell) or has a busy signal (with call waiting, there is no need for that, ever!!) or it dies while I’m talking. I tried going the “customer service online” route only to have the very detailed and lengthy problem explanation disappear into the ether via “web page cannot be found” when I hit send. So now, I’m afaid to call them (if I have enough minutes left on my cell to outlast the “holds and switches”). If new rechargeable batteries won’t fix it, it’s going out the back door, too. Damn technology anyway.
love you. love your writing and your long detailed stories about *nearly* nothing.
hilarious! we are putting our house on the market soon and walked through recently with our realtor… maazing what I have turned a blind eye to in 3 years. Like… we have a cable cord that has been hanging out of our kitchen floor under a table (about 5 ft of cable cord) and 3 years later I finally realize I could just push it into the floor. It took some elbow grease, but it;s gone. 3 years later!
Oh my!
THe same thing happened here! (except I called the first day because I’m crazy and can’t live without the internet) Yep, unplugged the router I used with the PC and bingo all was well!
Would you please just write a book? I don’t even care if it has a plot, I love your rambling!
Thank you for being so real, it helps me not feel like I am alone or totally insane. I too procrastinate and just over-paid my auto insurance (almost double..at least I’ll have a credit…) because I didn’t make a call…on the week before Chrismas we can all afford to over pay our bills!!! Aghhhh….
Hilarious. Great post. Hope you feel better soon.
Amy
Who says it’s a lost art? I think you found it!
Don’t worry; I found it too.