And here I thought I was on the cutting edge of culinary exploration with the graham crackers and Duncan Hines frosting. So much for my plans to write a bestselling cookbook detailing all the ways the graham can be used as a dessert item. Everyone already knows. I guess I’ll have to resort to Plan B and do something totally unique like maybe design a type of disposable towel made out of paper that can be used in your kitchen.
I’m not sure what I’ve done this week, but I’m positive that it hasn’t been anything very exciting because I’m sitting here for the second day in a row trying to figure out what on earth to write about. Too bad I don’t have a picture of some crackers with some cheese so I could tell you about the great new snack I just discovered.
Instead I will just continue to compose the most boring sequence of paragraphs in the free world.
Most of Monday was spent chauffeuring (it just took me about nine tries to spell that word) P around because he had to put his truck in the shop. We enjoy putting the truck in the shop on a regular basis since there’s really no other way we like to spend money than to fix transmissions and wonky front end alignment. It’s so much better than a new pair of shoes or a cute top.
After we dropped the truck off, we decided to go eat some breakfast. P took me to a little place on the edge of downtown where bars on the windows indicated that there were most likely some excellent huevos rancheros with homemade tortillas in our future and possibly being witnesses to a homicide. I like my eggs with a side of danger. And a spicy ranchero sauce.
On Tuesday…look, I’ll be honest with you, I have no idea what we did on Tuesday. I’m sitting here racking my brain trying to remember. Oh, it just came to me because I remember the great pajama debate of 2010. It was National Reading Day and Caroline was supposed to wear pajamas to school and bring some books, a blanket and a breakfast item to share with the class. (Actually I don’t know if it was a national thing or not. I think that’s what the note said, but it may have just been a State Reading Day or Caroline’s Classroom Reading Day. Or maybe I was wrong about the whole thing and sent my child to school in her pajamas for no reason.)
I’d already told her that I’d eat lunch with her on Tuesday, so I showed up at 10:40 (I still can’t get over the late morning lunch time) with a Wacky Pack from Sonic and some mozzarella cheese sticks. It was totally worth the trip because she took one bite of the burger and ate half a french fry. I did manage to find out from the lunch table conversation that all her friends think some boy named Cal is cute. They pointed him out to me, but I didn’t really see what was so appealing about someone who’s barely four feet tall and gnaws on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the four teeth he has left in his mouth.
Yesterday morning I had Bible study and then had to make a trip to the grocery store because we were completely out of graham crackers and canned frosting which placed us smack dab in the territory of dire straits. We got our money for nothing and our chicks for free. (I’m sorry. Dire straits took me there.)
By the time I unloaded the groceries and made enough room in the refrigerator for all the Jello Pudding Snacks, it was about time to go pick up Caroline from school. I’d promised her that I’d take her to get a pedicure because she received an award at school for academic excellence and nothing says keep up the hard work like a fresh pedi with some sassy flowers painted on your big toe.
And while we were there, I decided I should probably go ahead and get a pedicure for myself. I mean, I’m the one who has accumulated several or a hundred more gray hairs throughout this school year from the homework alone. Because why does a person insist on drawing nine apples on the ground when the instructions clearly state that you’re supposed to draw some of the apples on the tree and some of the apples on the ground to make a total of nine apples?
“But I don’t want any apples on the tree. I like them on the ground.”
“That’s fine, but the instructions specifically state that SOME need to be on the ground and SOME need to be on the tree.”
“I don’t like them on the tree.”
“Well, then you’re not going to like second grade because in second grade it becomes REALLY IMPORTANT that you follow all the instructions.”
(I don’t even know if that’s true. Second grade could be a complete mutiny of all societal rules for all I know. It’s been thirty-one years since I’ve had any second grade experience.)
“Okay. I’ll draw some on the tree even though I DON’T WANT TO.”
And that is why I felt that I deserved a fresh coat of OPI’s Ladies and Magenta-men on my toes.
I promise I didn’t just pick that color because I adore the name.
And, lastly, since I’ve already gone on way too long and may as well share the last detail of our uneventful week, I officially broke out the self-tanner this week. I’m invited to a luncheon/fashion show tomorrow and there’s a ninety percent chance that I’m wearing a sleeveless dress. (I’m hanging on to the 10% chance that something else will magically appear in my closet.) My arms are frighteningly pale and it just didn’t seem right to subject the public to such a spectacle.
Speaking of, I need to wrap this up and go pluck my eyebrows. I’d hate for someone to be distracted from all the beautiful clothes because the girl sitting across from them has a unibrow.
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“I like my eggs with a side of danger.”
Denny’s TOTALLY needs to buy that phrase from you and use it as their next Egg Campaign.
Love it!!!
Is there ever a post of yours that I don’t laugh my way through? I think not! Love it!
LOVE me some Mexican breakfast…however it is a little more difficult to find in AR! On the homework front, I’m not sure how many pedis I deserve, but I don’t think there’s enough polish in the world! Since mine’s a boy though he might look a little odd w/ flowers on his toes! Get ready b/c second grade will kick your behind! However, I haven’t much help w/ the phonics homework…he’s on his own!!! Seriously, you need to know how to “phoentically” spell LETTERS!!!!
You make such a “normal” week sound soooo fun!! I almost got a pedi myself yesterday, but am too afraid to get excited about spring just yet with all the snow flurries and all. I’ll be on it, and the self tanner, and the sleeveless top in a couple more weeks though when we head south for Spring Break. Can’t wait to see the sun!
BTW, which bible study are you doing?
Hilarious as usual! Thank you for being here
Oh, Lordy ~ Do I need some self tanner?! Never had much luck with it, though? What do you use?
I’m still waiting for your Bachelor Finale recap!!! Was it just THAT ugly, that you can not bear to speak of it?
hahaha I think the “disposable towel made out of paper that can be used in your kitchen” sounds like a brilliant idea!
Oh. It’s “CHICKS for free.” That makes so much more sense than “CHECKS for free” like I’ve been singing for 20+ years.
Your normal boring week sounds good to me! Love that you like to put your truck in the shop and spend money there! Its just amazing how much fun that can be, isn’t it?
I want my MTV… seriously. Because what’s on there now ain’t my MTV.
I think Caroline must have the best school. Natalie’s preschool never does anything fun, and it’s PRESCHOOL for crying out loud. They didn’t even get a Christmas party b/c the teachers said that the kids “were partied out from Halloween and Thanksgiving.” Methinks I smell some lazy teachers.
You are such a cool mom to take Caroline for a pedicure. I can still get away with just handing out a lollipop…I’m going to ride that wave as long as I can.
Have a great day!
oo our girls got jokes today!!
i am telling you = you are flat out hilarious!!
thanks for the giggles..so needed this today!!
I’m the momma of a boy “who’s barely four feet tall and gnaws on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the four teeth he has left in his mouth” and all the girls in his class drool over him according to his teacher. Ha! Now I know what the momma’s think about my son
Was wondering how The Shred was going? Mine is collecting dust and I needed a little inspiration.
Wow…I didn’t get my first pedicure until I was 37 LOL. Do all little girls get them now?
I do hate that you were in dire straights. But I’m so delighted for the reference. Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free made my whole morning. I might not be cranky anymore.
A least I’m not the only one whose had a blah-esque week. Yawn.
You think 1st grade rules are tough? 2nd grade is kindercare. And 3rd grade is prison. Go ahead and stock up on the wine for Caroline’s 3rd grade year. I have never (and I repeat NEVER) in my life been so ready for school to get out. And I used to TEACH 3rd grade. I feel like I should go back and find all 5 years worth of my students and their parents, apologize to them, and send them all on a cruise.
And speaking of self-tanner, what do you use? I’m about to be in a wedding. On the beach. In a black dress. I hope people bring their sunglasses to shield themselves from my glare.
I want to know what self-tanner you use too. Please share. Love, love, love your blog!!
You might as well start a pedi fund for second grade. It is killing us! It was National Reading Day up here, north of you, where Dr. Pepper was invented but our class didn’t do anything because apparently the kids are too big for that in second grade. Thanks for the laughs!
Only you can make pretty mundane activities so entertaining. Thanks – never stop!!!
I am impressed that you could get your sonic burger to school by 10:40! My son’s lunch time last year was 10:35 and I had to be at the head of the line at McDonalds to get the first happy meal of the day (of course I ALWAYS seemed to get behind the retired couple who were extremely indecisive). It must be a first grade thing. He is in second grade now and he eats at 11:45. Get this–my 8th grader doesn’t eat lunch until almost 1:00. Why even bother serving lunch at that point, just send ‘em home hungry and save me the $3.
I can so relate the the homework ordeal. I dread special projects because my 4th grader and I can never agree on how he’s supposed to do it. I usually end up saying “Fine. Don’t pass 4th grade.”, then he starts listening to me. I don’t think he would like to face Mama’s wrath if he doesn’t pass 4th grade. : )
We have activities all week for Reading Week–coinciding with Dr. Seuss’s birthday on Tuesday. I guess the big deal is today is foot long hot dog day at lunch–must only happen once a year.
Tomorrow they get to dress up as a favorite book character so that means about 400 moms are scrambling to come up with costumes.
We had “Wacky Wednesday” yesterday at our school in honor of Dr. Seuss’ birthday and Read Across America. It was definitely a wacky day! I don’t really do wacky, so basically I just made sure my clothes didn’t match. Later on I wished I had worn PJ’s instead of what I did.
Too funny!!
What kind of self tanner are you using? I could really use some but I never have any luck with the kinds I buy so I finally stopped buying them only to use them once or twice and throw them away. They all smell funky to me. Do you like the kind you’re using? Does it smell funky?
Any advice on solving the smelly self tanner problem would be greatly appreciated
I love the breakfast place with bars on the windows anecdote. Hilarious.
The whole post was hilarious.
Have a good day – Amy
Big Mama, I just want to salute you for making Caroline follow the directions. I’m a college professor and cannot tell you how many kids show up with papers that don’t follow the assignment directions because they just didn’t want to write that/thought their idea was more interesting/were afraid of doing something hard. The little darlings don’t seem to understand that the Real World Doesn’t Work that Way. Anyway, kudos to you for teaching that lesson early and often.
Thanks for keeping me laughing! Have a great day and take care of those toes!!!
Oh, have you mentioned what self tanner you use? Did I miss it? I need to know because I’m pasty white all year long… no really, you can’t tell the difference between me and casper even in the middle of summer. I need a good one that doesn’t streak or turn me into an Oompa Loompa!
Please share your self tanner of choice! i am in need and I don’t know what to buy.
My daughter’s second grade class is, in fact, a mutiny of all societal rules. Just a warning…
Tuesday was Read Across America Day in honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday. Even in the middle school where I teach we celebrated literacy.
I love your blog~you always make me laugh! Thanks!
You always crack me up. : ) Somehow you can make even a boring, regular day into hilarious reading. And this 37 year old woman appreciates all those 80s references!
Hope the pedi made you feel better; lately, the undertone of your blog makes it seem as though you are depressed.
Totally scared of self tanner, but I’ve decided I’m more scared of skin cancer. I, too, would love to know what you use and if you have any good application tips. I do not want orange knee caps!
Hey Big Mama – I don’t think you seem depressed – it can’t be easy coming up with stuff to write EVERY day. Although, you more than rise to the occasion. LOVED this post! I will have “money for nothin’” in my head all day, thanks a lot. ; ) Homework in kindergarten is tougher than I thought – my little guy fights me on the rules vs straight up black or white common sense EVERY TIME. I really don’t blame him but that wont get us to 1st grade, will it? Have fun at your fashion show luncheon!
Reading your blog is like a gilmpse into the future. My future. I have a 2 yr old girl who may very well be an only child (pregnancy is not for me, had a rough time). It really makes my mornings!
What self tanner do you use? As someone affectionately dubbed “Casper” by all of my classmates from kindergarten through my senior year of high school (I really should let this go, huh? Build a bridge, Amanda, build a bridge…) I’m always in the market for a quality self-tanner. But I can’t pay a lot b/c I use a lot. So if it’s also available in industrial-size, BONUS!
“I promise I didn’t just pick that color because I adore the name.” Call me crazy (I’m use to it) but that is the ONLY way I’ll agree to a paint color…if i love the name!
Here in Washington state we also had pajama day and a “read in” on Tuesday in celebration of the birthday of Dr. Suess. My 2nd grade boy and 6th grade boy didn’t wear the pajamas though. It was also the end of the reading olympics where the kids got a bronze, silver or gold medal for reading a certain amount of minutes(hours) over a period of one month.
My Lord….even when you have nothing to say you have me falling out of my chair laughing my arce off!!
“I like my eggs with a side of danger. And a spicy ranchero sauce.” That one threw me into a full laugh but “They pointed him out to me, but I didn’t really see what was so appealing about someone who’s barely four feet tall and gnaws on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the four teeth he has left in his mouth.” had me falling out of the chair. And it just continued from there!
HILARIOUS! Love it!
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
My 8-year-old-teenager isn’t even allowed to talk during lunch … isn’t that sad? AND, last year, she wasn’t allowed to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school because one kid was allergic!
Get ready for third grade. It ain’t what it used to be!
First thing I read in the morning is Big Mama and The Pioneer Woman. You could write about nothing at all and I’d be falling off the chair laughing. It was a sad day in Mudville when Erma Bombeck was no longer here to give the moms of America something to laugh about. Thank goodness you stepped up to the plate, graham cracker, canned frosting and all. And just for the record, I have to hide any of that leftover stuff in the freezer from the 3 to nearly 30 year old kids/grandkids. The day I dolloped some on a graham cracker they thought I was a genius. I only know how to turn things into truffles from reading Dorie Greenspan’s blog!
Vicki,
I wrote Melanie months ago and told her that the way I laugh til I cry reading her blog brings back sweet memories of my mom wiping tears laughing at Erma Bombeck.
So grateful for Melanie (and Erma)!
Yes, please tell the brand of self-tanner. I’m newly pregnant and need some bronze glow without putting “McNugget” in harms way!
You Crack Me UP!
I want my – I want my – I want my MTV…………..
I love that OPI color. I totally googled it.
What type of self tanner do you use?
In the 2nd grade, the oldest was put into the GT program or WHATEVER they call it these days, and he maintained great grades throughout the year. At some point in time, the kids saw a limo and we talked about it and decided that if he maintained those grades throughout the year in a difficult program (along with some sensory deficiency issues we were battling with OT), we would reward with a limo ride at the end of the year. But then came my obsessive moments when I didn’t want to appear “showy” so we hid the limo at a church near the school and the kids that we invited met us at the church, instead of getting picked up from school. We drove the kids around and took them for ice cream.
Then the following year, the second child made it into the program and made excellent grades all year, and we took a group of kids to a water park on the last day.
The next year, I thought WHAT KIND OF CRACK WERE WE SMOKING TO COME UP WITH THIS REWARD SYSTEM?!?!?! Its school and its your job to work hard and make good grades. I think I even quoted my dad with the old “Do you SEE a money tree growing in my backyard?”
I am now thinking that I should take a look at my mundane weeks, and find the ways to laugh. I’ve laughed so hard my husband came to the back to see what I was watching. Yes, we do need the details of self-tanner. Second grade is tough…homework, rules, boys with pb & j stuck between their 4 teeth, and girls who are just plain old mean. I miss my MTV too, so much that we’ve blocked it because nothing worthy for teens and younger to watch. Thanks for the stories.
I love these stories, and I have to say those eyebrow issues drive me crazy! I hate it when mine aren’t right!
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