Back when P and I were dating, I lived in a delightful little apartment complex for the bargain price of $395 a month all bills paid. I was essentially paying a dollar per square foot. It was a tiny apartment, but for a single girl, barely living above the poverty line, it was a little piece of heaven. I could set the thermostat to sixty-five degrees and leave it there all day. I wrapped myself in a down comforter all year long, drank hot chocolate, and pretended it was winter while I watched with the rest of the world to see if Ross and Rachel were ever going to get together.
I quickly noticed within a few days of moving into my little apartment that I was the only resident under the age of eighty-two. I’d inadvertently stumbled onto some sort of semi-assisted living arrangement reminiscent of Melrose Place for the elderly. All the apartments were situated around a common courtyard area with a pool and a landlord constantly tending to the plants while wearing a surgical mask and toting around her oxygen tank. From time to time she’d pull the mask away from her face long enough to take a hit of her cigarette or yell at one of the residents for parking their Cadillac too close to her hedge of red-tip photinias.
Needless to say, I stood out in this land of Geritol and they were fascinated with me. There were nights I would go out and arrive home long after the ungodly hour of 10:30. P would walk me to my door, past all the clotheslines hung with large girdles, and we would see thirty-two sets of mini-blinds throughout the courtyard pop open as they watched the only entertainment they considered better than Walker, Texas Ranger.
Lee Vernon was the neighbor I knew the best. Mainly because I had to walk past her apartment every time I went to my car and she spent most the day sitting in a lawn chair right outside the door with her oxygen tank and her Chihuahua named Penny. Within two days of my move into the complex, she knew everything about me, and, most importantly, everything about P. I suspect she had some sort of CIA connections based on the amount of information she was able to gather about us in such a short amount of time.
I soon learned she was the eyes and ears of Village Oaks. She knew everything about everyone and would tell you whether you wanted to know or not. It became part of my after work ritual to stop by Lee’s apartment and catch up on the latest gossip, which usually included juicy information about whose Social Security check had yet to arrive in the mail or who the Bradford widow was trying to seduce. I determined the main reason she always sat outside in her lawn chair was to ensure she didn’t miss anything. It was reminiscent of how the paparazzi camps out whenever there’s a chance they might spot Britney walking barefoot out of a 7-11, except she was waiting to see if Dorothy Wilson and Evelyn Moore were going to get into a fight over imminent clothesline domain.
Lee was the first person to find out P and I were engaged. He proposed to me in my apartment and as we left for dinner we shared the news. By the time we returned, everyone in the complex knew about our newly engaged status and celebrated by staying up late to watch Murder She Wrote while intermittently peeking through their mini-blinds to see how late he’d stay at my apartment.
Since my parents lived out of town, I arranged for all our wedding gifts to be delivered to my apartment because I wanted to see if I could make five hundred square feet seem even more claustrophobic by packing the place with silver gift-wrapped boxes filled with breakable items. Every day I would return home to a porch full of boxes and I’d carry them into my apartment while being careful not to trip over the punch bowl set with matching cups that I was using as a door stop. (Incidentally, that was the last time it was used for anything.)
Lee appointed herself as watchdog of all my delivered gifts. She had a clear view of my second floor apartment from her lawn chair and kept lookout all day to make sure that one of her fellow senior residents didn’t try to make off with a shiny, new toaster oven because everyone knows that those octogenarians love nothing more than some toast.
One day I had to work late and then met some friends for dinner so I didn’t get home until after midnight. When I walked up the steps to my apartment, I was relieved to see I didn’t have any packages to be hauled in. I fell into bed and slept until the shrill sound of the phone ringing woke me up at 6:00 a.m.
Reaching past the boxes of new towels, I grabbed the phone and sleepily said, “Hello?” The raspy voice on the other end said, “Honey, it’s Lee. I got worried when you weren’t home at your usual time last night so I picked up all the packages that got delivered yesterday and brought them down to my place. You know these people around here won’t hesitate to steal something.” Yes, I have no doubt I was living in an apartment complex that merely served as a front for an elderly crime ring specializing in pawning stolen wedding gifts to pay for their denture cream and support hose habit.
Lee continued, “Honey, you can come down here and get these gifts whenever you want. I’ll be here all day.” I had no reason to doubt the validity of her statement so I rolled back over and went to sleep. When I finally woke up around 10:00 a.m., I threw on some clothes and went to retrieve the gifts. I walked down the stairs marveling that she even managed to make it up to my apartment, collect gifts and get them back to her place all while toting her oxygen tank. It made me shudder to think about what a precarious journey it must have been. Lee was stationed outside her front door, but stood up when she saw me coming and led me inside to get the packages. There were about three or four things sitting in her living room. As I picked them up to carry them upstairs, she told me I’d need to come back down because there was one more in her refrigerator.
Her refrigerator? Did someone send me a ham? Did P register for a selection of Hickory Farms smoked meats when I wasn’t looking? I walked back down to her place and she brought the box out of the refrigerator. Sure enough, it was a big cardboard box with the words “Refrigerate Immediately” stamped all over it. I couldn’t imagine what was in there.
I thanked Lee for taking care of my gifts and then ran upstairs with the package because the curiosity was killing me. Normally, I waited until P and I were together to open a present (at least that’s what I told him, but in my defense he really didn’t show the enthusiasm I was looking for whenever we received another crystal vase or a set of steak knives) but I couldn’t wait to see what this was, not to mention there was no way the whole box would fit inside my refrigerator.
As I delicately ripped open the box, I continued to speculate about what might be inside. Maybe some bacon? Imported caviar? The first installment in a membership to a cheese of the month club? (Please God let it be a membership to a cheese of the month club) I pulled out the tissue paper to reveal a perfectly refrigerated wooden salad bowl with matching tongs.
Apparently someone had packed and mailed their gift using whatever box they had on hand. Lee ensured that our new wooden bowl remained perfectly chilled all night long.
Bless her heart.
I’d finally found someone as enthusiastic about our wedding gifts as I was and vowed that, when the time came for P and me to pour the first drinks from our new crystal decanter, we would make a special toast to Lee. Unfortunately, we didn’t receive a crystal decanter, so the only toast we ended up making was the kind we could make in our shiny, new toaster oven.
Which really worked out because I believe that bread covered in butter and grape jelly is actually more festive than whiskey anyway.
What a sweet story…
You should have gone out on JAG night – of course then your salad bowl might have been ruined …
What a great story! You gotta love neighbors who will look out for you.
I love reading your blog!! You are an amazing writer and always capture the moment and relay it to your reader so well. Thanks for such a great story to start the day!!
Did she come to the wedding ??
Do you stay in touch with her??
I just love your writing! Yours is one of four blogs on my Favorites list that I read most every weekday morning. My favorite line from today’s post:
“Yes, I have no doubt I was living in an apartment complex that merely served as a front for an elderly crime ring specializing in pawning stolen wedding gifts to pay for their denture cream and support hose habit.” HA!
I’m pretty sure I saw you from a distance at LPL in Richmond this weekend. So sorry for your lack of sleep Friday night, and your hot plane ride home. I pray Beth’s message of “Return to Middle C” made up for all the inconveniences! I am a piano teacher and who knew C Scale could teach the Word to 9,000+ women?!
Loved this story!!! It sounds like the perfect start of a movie.
Please write a book !
Love it! More on Melrose Place for seniors please!
Another great post! You have such a talent for grabbing my attention with your first sentence and keeping it for the entire story!
Great story and storytelling! Still smiling!
The elderly … God love ‘em!
How cute! I live on a street with many older people now, and they really DO watch out for one another. It’s a type of camaraderie that you don’t often see, and I love it. Lee sounds like a real keeper!
What a funny and sweet story! Did you invite Lee to the wedding?
Aaw! Is Lee still around? Have you kept in contact with her over the years?
I love your story. I was blessed growing up to have elderly neighbors who lived around us. These women use to sit on one neighbor’s porch and they’d tell all the gossip too. And talk about wonderful cooks, oh my heaven. I wish I had been old enough to find out the secret one of them had to making yeast rolls. To this day I’ve never tasted any as good.
I have to say I love older folks and I always have. They have wonderful stories and you can learn so much from them.
Loved this story! Thanks so much for sharing. I think it would be great to read a weekly-installment of stories from when you and your hubby were dating!
Love your blog. Thanks for writing.
(And also thanks for the Today’s Letters recommendation. I read your and their blog every day!)
Great story!!! I needed that laugh this morning!!
Your husband sounds like mine when it comes to wedding gifts. We too got married at the time when you were verrrrry limited in what you could register for.
My husband keeps on saying we should renew our vows – not to celebrate 18 years of marriage and 7 beautiful children – but because neat places like Home Depot and Menards now have wedding registry.
Romantic I know.
I’ll add on to the people who’ve asked…..What ever happened to Lee?? Did you keep in touch? You know, it’s details like these that keep a girl up at night.
I want to hear more of Lee too.
Great story.
Holy cow! I was on pins and needles anticipating a poignant lesson predicated on Lee’s unfortunate demise. What a relief.
Oh, I can just picture the eyeballs peeking through those miniblinds!!! People are snoopy, aren’t they? And I’m not excluding myself in this.
Cute story!
Love all your posts really, but this one seemed to be something extra. It feels like we have several similarities (my girl is a 7 year old Caroline, too) and this one reminded me so much of my own apartment living as a young single girl. My equivalent to Lee was Juanita. I was there at her side the day she literally broke her hip. Your story brought back some memories and I just wanted to tell you I really enjoy reading your writing. : )
That was so good. I love the elderly.
What happened to Lee? Did she come to your wedding?
I love this story! What a wonderful lady that Lee. Did she make it to your wedding?
I was pretty sure that this sweet story would end by you saying you saw Lee’s obituary in the paper. But strangely enough, it didn’t. Who’s the morbid one now? (she asks sheepishly, hoping Lee is still alive and kickin’)
I too was very glad to see that Lee’s life didn’t end with your last paragraph.
Funny, I was thinking the other day about wedding gifts…..isn’t it crazy that all of these 20-something year old brides are picking out stuff that they think they might need in the future, but have no idea of the real value of a good toaster or blender? I think that we ought to get married and have our showers at the 10 year anniversary. Mine’s about to come up and I could really use some good appliances. And I would have a whole different methodology about stuff out this time!! (Like functionality and being able to withstand 3 little boys and their daddy!)
I’m wondering too if Lee came to the wedding.
Surely some residents of Memaw’s Place came to watch their young friend get married???
HAHA!! Love this story, LOL!!!!
Lovin’ the throwback story! I gotta share what it made me think of–this will make you laugh!
Several years back my mother-in-law, who is not always “all there”, had this basket that she had gotten from someone, and she wanted to give it to me or my sister-in-law, since she thought it would be nice to use for a baby shower gift or something. She said, “Hold on, it’s in the extra refrigerator. I’ll go get it.” My SIL and I just looked at each other, bewildered, wondering why it would be refrigerated. When she came back, it was just an empty wicker-like basket, and I finally worked up the nerve to ask her why she had it in the refrigerator. She pointed to the tag on it, which said, “Keep refrigerated.” Apparently the basket had come with fruit and cheese in it, and she had not cut the tag off when the fruit and cheese were gone. We about died laughing!!!
i, too, was waiting to hear of some unfortunate happenings in lee’s late(r) life. i’m glad there was no update
i’m a sucker for the elderly…
beautiful story!
The best thing about reading your posts is that, in my mind’s eye, I can totally picture every detail of your story. The senior neighbors peeking out of their mini blinds, Lee sitting outside her door in a lawn chair…I love that I can actually the stories in my head as I read them (if that makes sense).
On another note, am I the only one that gets a mental image of Maxine (of the Hallmark Shoebox greeting cards) when I think of your former neighbor, Lee? Did Lee wear a housecoat and fuzzy slippers?
Thanks, Melanie, for being a bright spot in day!
My Lee Vernon’s name was Bonnie. She knew my schedule better than I did and would always be sitting outside in her plastic lawn chair. She knew everyone’s business that was her business. Smoked and had oxxgen too. But we lived in a more family complex.
Dear Darlin’ Annie Arlin!! You are ONE GOOD STORY TELLER! I especially liked the parts about: Ross and Rach, “Melrose Place for the elderly,” your discription of your landlord, and your talk about the “land of Geritol” and girdles hanging on the clothesline. Thanks for the laugh.
T
What a sweet story! Please tell me you kept in touch with her!
Wait!! Wait!! What’s the rest of the story?! Did she come to the wedding?! Did the Bradford widow make a move on your PaPaw?!! Do you still see Miss Lee? Has she met Caroline?
What a wonderful story
!
texas neighbors, no matter their age are the absolute BEST! Great story!
This has got to be one of your best stories yet. I love it!!
One great story! Thanks for the smile to start my day.
Hi Melanie! I can call you that right?I normally walk down stairs every morning get my coffee and then settle in to spend some time with you but today I was gone all day.So here it is 8:45 at night,I just tucked my two little girls in and I am finally getting my Big Mama fix. What a perfect way to end my crazy busy day.This was such a sweet story.I wish you would write a book.Love you girl!
Now that is rich!!! Hilarious!
Melanie, that was the one of the BEST posts! Such a great story in itself and you are such a great writer I could almost hear the blinds hitting against the window panes of all of the neighbors as they peered out. I absolutely loved it.
You are such a gifted writer. I love your blog and your stories.
Thanks for sharing.
Told with great wit and humor. Thanks for providing some much needed comic relief.
I was hoping this entry was going to end with you telling us this was an excerpt from a book you’re writing! Very well written!
Please tell us more!
-Addicted to Big Mama Blog In Boston
ps. I started reading this blog almost 2 years ago (!!!) but it seems like it was just yesterday I found you on some other blog’s links… You’re my favorite blogger, hands down.
I was two steps from envious just thinking you may have gotten cheese or fruit of the month! I wish I could go back and register for those!! Would have gotten way more use than my china, sadly still untouched! Maybe we need to break it in for our 10 yr. anniversary at the end of the month!! Chesse tots from Sonic would probably never taste better than on expensive, 10 yr. old china! I actually thought, in a Fried Green Tomato sort of way, that Lee got all mushy and sentimental seeing all the silver boxes, and decided to dig out the top of her wedding cake to pass on to you & P! Wouldn’t that have been something! Of course, you would’ve needed that whiskey to choke it down, but oh how special it would have been! Thanks for always making me smile!!