About a month ago, when I still was earning a paycheck and I spent money like we were the Ewings, but without the blackmail and deceit, I decided to make a lifelong dream come true and purchase a laser hair removal package for myself. Because really, Caroline is a smart girl and will probably get a scholarship to college, she doesn’t need us for tuition. Plus, how am I supposed to give her the enriched childhood she deserves if I’m spending all my time waxing and shaving? There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all.
So, I did some research in the form of asking Dee, my former co-worker, about the process. She is an authority on all beauty type issues and I knew she had laser hair removal done a few years ago. I called Dee’s laser girl (not the technical term), purchased a hair removal package over the phone because it was ON SALE , and then scheduled the first of my five appointments, which is how many times it takes to completely shock all your hair follicles out of existence.
And then, I quit my job.
However, since the sessions were already paid for, there was no turning back, which is just proof that God was looking out for me and figured if I was going to spend my summer chasing a 3 year old around the pool, that my life would be easier if I didn’t have to worry about bikini line, underarm, and upper lip maintenance. My life will be stressful enough just spending so much time in a swimsuit.
He is truly the giver of all good gifts.
The day of my first session, I drove to the doctor’s office and was so excited. I was almost there when Dee called to check on me. I asked her the question that, in my infinite foolishness, I had neglected to ask earlier, “Does it hurt?”
She answered, “Not really. I mean you’ve had a baby, so you can handle it.”
Oh. my. word.
It wasn’t exactly the comforting analogy I was looking for. Yes, I have experienced childbirth, but please note that I only have one child. While it was an incredible experience, it’s not one that I’m looking to repeat with any frequency. Plus, I was pretty sure the cost of laser hair removal didn’t include an epidural.
I went in and signed a stack of paperwork that basically said that I could experience a myriad of unpleasant side effects, including the darkening and/or lightening of the skin on my upper lip. I prayed for a miraculous lightening of that skin, crossed my fingers and laid on the table. The dermatologist came in for a consultation, which consisted of him looking at my lip, stating the obvious “you have dark hair”, and then pronouncing me a fit candidate for the procedure. Then, Laser girl came in and I asked her if it was going to hurt. She replied, “Oh, yeah. It will hurt”, and then repeated Dee’s comparison and said, “but you’ve had a baby”.
Great. I am an idiot who doesn’t ask the right questions far enough in advance. Maybe while I was feeling so giddy about my 20% discount, I should have asked about the pain. But oh no, it was much more important that I was getting a good deal.
Laser girl applied some type of gel to my lip and an ice pack and went to work. Ironically, the laser was called the Cool Touch 1000, which is the biggest oxymoron of all time. The Cool Touch 1000 burned like the heat of 10,000 white hot suns surrounding a planet of volcanoes filled with molten lava.
At one point, Laser girl stopped before moving on to my underarms and I asked her if someone had burned some popcorn in the office. She replied, “Oh no, that burning smell is your skin and your hair.”
Well, what a relief.
All I really know about torture is what I used to watch on Alias, oh, and also what my orthodontist does to me on a monthly basis, but make no mistake about it, this laser hair removal stuff ranks up there for sure. It would make Jack Bauer talk.
However, for the last few weeks as I’ve marveled over the fact that I don’t have to shave my underarms or apply Surgi-cream hair removal to my lip, I’ve decided it’s all worth it. Like childbirth, the end product is so great that you forget what you endured to get to that point.
Unfortunately, unlike childbirth, I have to go back for 4 more sessions before I am completely done.
Next time (yeah, right), I’m asking for the package that includes the epidural.