I don’t know if any of y’all have ever noticed, but on my sidebar I have a little box that has a new Bible verse posted in it everyday. This isn’t something I have the technical capabilities of creating, but rather a cool little thing that I found on the INTERNET, because if you look, you can find some really good stuff on the computer, which makes me hope this internet thing really takes off.
Anyway, I always take the time to read the verse of the day each morning when I check my blog to see if I’ve posted anything, because honestly, sometimes I can’t quite remember if I did or not, due to the fact that I usually write late at night in a tired, sleepy haze. Last week, I began to notice that EVERY day the verse was about asking anything of God and receiving it. On Saturday morning, when there was yet another verse about asking God and having faith, I turned around and laughingly told P, “I think God is telling me to ask Him for something”.
And he agreed that my superb powers of intuition were probably right. It only took me a week to catch on. God was probably sitting in heaven thinking He should have made me a little quicker on my feet.
I immediately thought of all the potential things I could ask of God. We are in a new season of life with the job change, potential ministry opportunities, my ongoing internal debate on whether or not I want another child and if it’s part of God’s plan for us to have another child, for financial provision and wisdom, for health, for peace, for happiness and contentment. Essentially, a veritable laundry list of potential requests.
So, I thought about all those things and how cool it was that God was speaking to me through all these Bible verses, and that was the end of it.
Then, yesterday morning, I checked the verse of the day. It was Mark 11:24, “Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours”. It was the 7th straight day that was about asking God for something in prayer. I can honestly say I didn’t even know there were so many verses about asking for things.
I needed to go to the grocery store so I loaded Caroline into the car and as I was driving into the HEB parking lot, I had a spiritual epiphany (I’m a mama, I take my epiphanies where I can get them). I realized the reason God keeps tugging at my heart and giving me sign after sign to ask Him for something, is because I have quit asking Him for things. And not due to some holy, saintly belief that I have all I need.
I’ll ask him to bless my family, to protect Caroline, to give us wisdom as we raise her, but I’ve quit asking for anything tangible because I am scared it won’t happen and I don’t want to be disappointed in God. And even as I type that, I am embarrassed by my lack of faith, especially in light of how faithful God has always been to provide for all my needs and exceed my expectations in so many ways.
I’m not sure when this happened, but I think it was somewhere during the time after Caroline was born. I prayed so hard that I would be able to stay home with her, and when my maternity leave ended and no one had delivered a large bag of money and health insurance to our door, I was disappointed. I accepted it and in all reality, became fine with it, but there was a part of me that just didn’t understand why it didn’t work out the way I had hoped. So, I tucked away all my hopes and dreams in a little corner and kept them to myself. Honestly, I don’t think I ever admitted, even to myself, how frustrated I felt. Plus, there was a huge part of me that recognized all the blessings I have in my life and that I don’t deserve any of them, so why would I complain about what I don’t have?
I quit asking God for the things that are most important to me. I have been letting fear control me. Fear of letting go, fear of surrendering, fear of disappointment, fear of things not working out the way I want them to, fear of where He may lead.
And now, He’s telling me I have to let go and just ASK. Yes, sometimes the answer may not be the answer I want and sometimes there will be answers I don’t understand, but ultimately I have to trust in Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”. I have watched, over the last year, as He has done more than I could ask or imagine. In spite of my unwillingness to ask Him for the desires of my heart, He has searched the corners of my heart and answered so many hidden requests.
He knows me, in spite of myself, and now I have to let myself know Him.
“Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.” John 16:24