I am sitting here right now trying to come up with words for the weekend and feeling an enormous sense of accomplishment because I managed to make a fire in the fireplace all by myself. And, yes, our fireplace is a real fireplace that actually requires things like wood and kindling. I would be lying if I said that the whole scene doesn’t feel a little bit like something right out of Little House on The Prairie, assuming that Ma Ingalls lit her own fire and then sat on her couch while she watched the lights twinkle on her Christmas tree as she typed on her laptop.
So, when we last spoke or you last read or whatever, I mentioned that I’d nearly burned my house down in an attempt to microwave some mac and cheese and also possibly broken three of my toes. The update is my house still smells like the seventh circle of sulphuric hell, particularly when I use the microwave, and I’ve downgraded my injuries to just one broken toe. I feel certain it is broken because I kind of want to throw something across the room any time I step on it the wrong way combined with the fact that it is a lovely blue color with some black thrown in.
In spite of my toe injuries, however, life must go on. Although it is going on while I complain incessantly about my toe. Which kind of reminds me of how I was at the Compassion Bloggers’ Reunion dinner after Deeper Still and was going on and on about how HARD AND STRENUOUS it was to work the merch table and sell all those $2.00 t-shirts. Then Shaun Groves introduced me to Dan Woolley who happened to be sitting two seats away from me. For those of you who may not know, Dan was the Compassion employee who was trapped in an elevator shaft buried under rubble for sixty-five hours after the Haiti earthquake last year.
This is why I should just stay home and work on my fire-building techniques. I’m really not suited for public gatherings.
Anyway, I’d promised Caroline a month ago that I’d help chaperone her class field trip to the Witte Museum and even though I was in a lot of pain and at a complete loss as to appropriate footwear, I knew that just like they say in the entertainment industry, the toe must go on.
(I am so sorry. I could not help myself.)
I hobbled my way around the museum looking at all the animal habitats and bug exhibits while Caroline basically acted like she didn’t care one way or the other if I was there. And I spent most of my time realizing that I’ve always been bored by most types of science and that my tall brown boots were a bad choice.
After the field trip was over, I went back to Caroline’s classroom because I’d volunteered to watch the class while her teacher attended the teachers’ holiday luncheon. Before she left the classroom, the teacher asked everyone if they learned anything at the museum that morning. Every hand went up except for Caroline. She said, “Caroline? You didn’t learn anything this morning?”
“Nothing I didn’t already know before I went.”
I’m not sure how we’re going to survive the next fifteen plus years of formal education.
Eventually all my field trip/chaperone/volunteer duties were over and it was time to get ready for the annual Christmas shopping weekend. Mimi and Bops picked up Caroline around 3:30 and I spent the next hour icing my toe and popping Advil in preparation for Gulley and me to hit the mall.
By the time Gulley got to my house I was all psyched up on the rush of adrenaline that comes with the prospect of shopping and temporary freedom from motherhood. I felt like my toe and I were invincible. And we were. Until I got to the entire other side of the mall from where Gulley and I had parked and realized I was actually in a lot of pain.
Poor Gulley ended up having to haul my large packages and her own through the mall as I pitifully hobbled back to Dillards. A lady in Sephora even stopped Gulley to tell her she felt sorry for her that she had to carry so many large bags. Which made us completely hysterical.
And that was the theme for the rest of the weekend. We were completely hysterical. I can’t even count the number of times I laughed until I cried. We covered topics from the PTO to her recent trip to Vegas to Brett Favre to our fear of sending text messages to the wrong person to playing blackjack to how no one is really sad when your pet dies except for you. There was also a moment on Saturday night when Sophie texted me to ask if we’d heard that Will Muschamp had left Texas to take the head coaching job at Florida. Gulley and I admittedly got a little high on schadenfreude.
I’m just being honest.
Anyway, by the time we finished shopping on Saturday we’d visited just about every store in the San Antonio area with a significant portion dedicated to the aisles of Target. We were exhausted but thrilled at the accomplishment of being finished with our Christmas shopping and headed back to my house to wrap all the gifts.
We wrapped and talked and laughed and eventually discovered that VH-1 was airing Top 100 Songs of the 90′s. I don’t think I need to tell you that it felt like the programming team at VH-1 reached into our very souls at that moment. And so we continued to wrap (and sometimes rap) as we listened to the songs that were the music of our lives as we survived college, found jobs, wore denim vests with wrap skirts, mended broken hearts, learned that wine shouldn’t come out of a box, discovered Ross and Rachel, and eventually met our husbands and got married.
My only regret of the weekend is that we finally wore out and went to bed around 2:40 a.m. after discovering that M.C. Hammer’s Can’t Touch This was number sixteen on the list. Gulley had already fallen asleep on the couch so she asked me the next morning, “What was the number one song of the 90′s?” And I had to admit that we hadn’t made it.
And now we’ll never know.
I’d be willing to be money that Sir Mix-A-Lot made it to the top ten though.
So that was the weekend.
It was good.
Now I’m going to go take more Advil and get some ice for my toe while I sit in the glow of the fire I built with my own two hands, several pieces of wood, and more lighter fluid than is probably safe.
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Today is the Christmas Tour of Homes over at the Nester’s blog. I guarantee there will be tons of gorgeous homes to check out. I didn’t do a post because all my stuff looks the same as last year and it seemed redundant. However, here is my post from last year in case you’re new and are overwhelmed with curiosity.
There is a chance to win a $200 gift card from BlogHer as part of a new Chef Boyardee program. Click over to my giveaway page to leave a comment for a chance to win.
If it’s the same 90′s countdown I’ve seen, the #1 song is Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Which made my went-through-the-whole-grunge-phase-in-high-school heart leap for joy.
I think I remember “Baby Got Back” being in the top 10 but I’m not sure which number.
I hope I didn’t ruin the surprise of #1 for you. And yes, I’m a total nerd for actually remembering what the #1 song was.
I love hearing your stories about you and Gulley and your friendship over the years because it reminds me that one day, no matter how strong my desires for a different life (one that involves a husband and babies) are right now, there will come a day where I hear a song on a radio or we overhear someone say something that will send us into a tailspin of “Remember when?” (Well, except that those kind of already happen to me, but they’re more like “Remember how when we were in junior high and I wore bright pink courdory bell bottoms to school?” and the I promptly try to forget said memories.)
Oh, and for the record, I can tell you where I was during the 9/11 attacks, where I was when Princess Diana died, and just as importantly, where I was when Rachel came back to Ross. Important moments in my 27-year-old life, I tell ya.
Dear BigMama, I am up at six freaking o’clock in the morning. I clicked over to last year’s tour, and did you forget you painted your kitchen this year? Twice? I bet your decorations look fantastic with the chocolate brown. If you get bored this week, you should definitely join the Tour
Your friend, the interweb early morning stalker,
Liz
Of Course Sir Mix Alot was in the top 10 because Baby Got Back is the best song of all time!
I love how (brutally) honest Caroline is…why lie and pretend you learned something at the museum if you really didn’t? I’m learning a lot from you, especially as to what type of footwear to choose for fieldtrips.
Maybe you could send Gulley for a massage for Christmas as thanks for lugging all those big bags around the mall for you?
Hey! Thanks for the giggle this morning! Just wanted to share that I burned popcorn in my microwave last year and googled for a solution and I found that leaving white vinegar in a bowl overnight with the door closed then in the morning heating the vinegar about 3-5 minutes worked great! Hope that helps…..
Have a super day!
You. Crack. Me. Up. Everyday!
Here you go, the full list:
http://blog.vh1.com/2007-12-13/top-100-songs-of-the-90s/
I LOVE 90s music and I love your blog!
I can’t begin to tell you how happy this list made me.
I laughed out loud about Caroline not learning one new thing at the museum. At least she’s honest!
I am very embarrassed to make this suggestion, but when I broke my toe two years ago, the shoes that saved my life were Crocs. Roomy, soft, but gave more protection against whacking it against stuff than flip flops or bare feet. I felt like I needed a disclaimer T-shirt that said “DON’T LAUGH AT MY HORRID SHOES MY TOE IS BROKEN”. The whole thing humbled me.
Can’t believe you wore tall brown boots. You have super human powers of pain tolerance.
Totally unrelated to this post, although as always incredibly funny, just wanted to tell you something. Sat night, sitting on my couch, trying to figure out what to buy my favorite co-worker, kind of supervisor for Christmas and at a total loss. Since she loves clothes, I decided to flip through your last few Fashion Friday posts because I just knew I would find an idea (you have fabulous taste) and you so did not fail me! A couple of weeks ago you put on your list a gorgeous mauve cardigan from Nordstroms and it is so perfect! And even better, it was on major sale! So shopping on my couch + perfect gift + major sale = absolute awesomeness! Thank you!
I just Googled schadenfreude. When I’m over this awful chest cold I plan to use it in multiple sentences. What good is my husband’s German heritage if he doesn’t know awesome words like schadenfreude?
I think I’m dying. I can’t remember the name of your alter ego but I’m pretty sure her sister has come to visit.
And now I all I hear in my head is “Buttermilk Biscuits”. Good thing for my people that my voice is not quite back so NO singing. Just the few lyrics I can remember at the moment dancing around in my head.
So, as possibly your northernmost reader (except for a few Canadians), I have to know: WHAT were you saying about Brett Favre??
and this Alaskan…
Nothing like wrapping and rapping with your BFF! Thanks for a great big laugh this morning! And Caroline….. oh my. She is going to be an incredible woman, but getting her to adulthood (without taking her out) will be the challenge. But I’ll bet you’ll be up to it. Have a wonderful day.
Smells like Teen Spirit was the top song. Although I am a huge Nirvana fan and they did change music in the 90′s, I felt like it was a bit contrived.
I have to tell you this post reminds me of the episode of “Little House” where Ma was home alone and had to perform surgery on her own leg injury with a knife she sterilized in the fireplace. The parallels are just uncanny.
Schadenfreude is my favorite word. You might have made my day by using it. And by talking about 90s music.
Reading this makes me wish I had a Gulley of my own. I’m sorry to say that since I moved over to the East Coast almost 10 years ago, I haven’t found a replacement for my BFF back in California.
I hope your toe feels better soon!
So now I am sitting at my desk sporting my new walking boot for my “just badly sprained ankle” and I can’t get the 90′s Biz Markie song out of my head, since I immediately took a trip down 90′s music memory lane after I read your post.
“Oh Baby You, You got what I need. But you say he’s just a friend. But you say he’s just a friend. Oh Baby YOOUUUU…” (Man, that guy could NOT sing.)
My oldest son told his daddy at the beginning of the school year that he already knew everything he needed to know….he knew how to read and could write….and there was no use for further schooling. His daddy finally convinced him that he needed at least one year of math, so how about giving 1st grade a try!!
This is one of your funniest posts. I love it!
Do you have the broken toe taped to it’s buddy?
I loved your weekend recap. I would give up all of my possessions to have my own Gulley. You are beyond blessed.
My husband and I looked through old folders he had from high school. One I found had a paper about what he had learned, his goals, where he wanted to go to college, etc. Under the “what he had learned section” his response was the EXACT same as Caroline’s. So, nothing is going to change. She’s hilarious!
I meant to warn you you about the burnt easy mac in the microwave last week. My 15 year old daughter did the same (she forgot to put water in it) in late October. It stills smells awful everytime we use the microwave. I may try the vinegar tip mentioned above.
I can speak with authority on broken toes. I have broken two toes on my right foot TWICE! The first time was right before school started (I worked in the library) and I dropped a heavy frying pan on my foot. Yes the whole foot was black and blue and I did have x-rays that time. And yes the two toes next to the big one were definitely broken. Here’s what I wore to school for at least 2 months while hobbling around – those loose slip on sneakers, no ties and no socks. They have no arch support but the toes were happier. The second time I broke them was in NYC. I rammed them into a suitcase on the floor (the hard little thingies) while coming back from the bathroom in the dark. Instant tears and I knew – yup I had broken them again. My friend got up and she got me ice in the middle of the night, but you have to know that was just one painful trip. The only way to see NYC is by foot. And my foot was throbbing. It was summer and I hobbled around with sandals on. I asked everyone from the pharmacist to the guy outside his business in his chained chair. And Yup everyone thought they definitely were broken. Unfortunately there is no treatment for broken toes. And to this day they ache when it’s cold or wet or rainy or just because they feel like it! Only I could break the same two toes twice. I feel for you – I really do! It’s like trying to get around with only one leg working. If you put any pressure on the broken toes it is almost unbearable. Sorry!! And yes, this comment got a little long! lol
Hugs
Marie in Minnesota
Another funny one, you entertain me.
I went back to look at your post from last year to see your decorations and I have a huge favor to ask! Is there any way you could send me or post a close-up picture of the little flower-pot nativity scene that Caroline painted? I think it is so cute and would love for my daughter to make one, but would like to see the details of how it’s made better! I would appreciate it so much!
Have you tried taping your toes together? The offending one taped to the one next to it. It helps immobilize it and helps the pain, a little. And stay out of cute shoes. Try some crocs, roomy and impact-proof. Sort of.
Yes, we need more Gulley stories. I think the first post I ever read was about you and Gulley…freakin HILARIOUS and then I was hooked. Love ya’ll stories and love ya’lls kids together too!
So fun!
thank you…for making me laugh till i cry! It makes my day!
My son frequently says he didn’t learn anything at school, that it’s all review. He has 7 more years; it may be long for him.
Hope your made from scratch fire helps your toe feel better!
I can speak with authority on broken toes. I have broken two toes on my right foot TWICE! The first time was right before school started (I worked in the library) and I dropped a heavy frying pan on my foot. Yes the whole foot was black and blue and I did have x-rays that time. And yes the two toes next to the big one were definitely broken. Here’s what I wore to school for at least 2 months while hobbling around – those loose slip on sneakers, no ties and no socks. They have no arch support but the toes were happier. The second time I broke them was in NYC. I rammed them into a suitcase on the floor (the hard little thingies) while coming back from the bathroom in the dark. Instant tears and I knew – yup I had broken them again. My friend got up and she got me ice in the middle of the night, but you have to know that was just one painful trip. The only way to see NYC is by foot. And my foot was throbbing. It was summer and I hobbled around with sandals on. I asked everyone from the pharmacist to the guy outside his business in his chained chair. And Yup everyone thought they definitely were broken. Unfortunately there is no treatment for broken toes. And to this day they ache when it’s cold or wet or rainy or just because they feel like it! Only I could break the same two toes twice. I feel for you – I really do! It’s like trying to get around with only one leg working. If you put any pressure on the broken toes it is almost unbearable. Sorry!! And yes, this comment got a little long! lol Hugs Marie in Minnesota