This weekend Gulley and I had our 17th annual Christmas shopping and wrapping party extravaganza. It was everything it is billed to be and more.
We got a late start this year because Gulley wasn’t free until Friday afternoon. She showed up at my house and unloaded her stuff, including her body pillow. This is just one of many reasons we are best friends, we travel with sleeping comfort in mind. I know some people may not understand it. In fact, last weekend when P, Caroline and I went to AJ’s ranch, I got my body pillow out of the car and my friend Jen said, “That’s just embarrassing. You should’ve waited until it was dark to unload your body pillow.”
But y’all know what? I don’t care. I’m a high-maintenance sleeper and I’m proud. Gulley and I have discovered one of life’s profound truths, which is once you’ve discovered the body pillow you will never again want to spend even one night away from it. Especially not on a weekend that involves no kids and, therefore, uninterrupted sleep.
I noticed as Gulley was unloading stuff that she had brought none of her presents with her. The gift wrapping portion of the weekend is a crucial time and I asked where her presents were. She informed me she hadn’t bought any presents yet. And at that moment I knew this weekend was going to involve shopping that would defy the laws of logic and the time-space continuum. Gulley threw down a no-present-purchased gauntlet that was UNPRECEDENTED. We were starting from scratch.
May God have mercy on our souls.
And our feet.
So, we headed straight for the bowels of hell, also known as Toys R’ Us. We loaded that shopping cart until it was begging for mercy, or perhaps that was the woman whose foot I ran over right before I knocked over an entire display of wrapping paper.
For the record, it is not easy to maneuver a cart that is heavy-laden with My Little Ponies, Polly Pockets and my dreams of creating the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
I’m not sure what time it was when we finally left Toys R’ Us, but it was dark outside. However, we pressed on towards Hobby Lobby to take advantage of 50% off on multiple things that we didn’t need, but LOOK! IT’S 50% OFF! That means it’s only $5.00!
“What would you do with it?”
“I don’t know, but IT’S ONLY $5.00!”
Hobby Lobby sucked out whatever life Toys R’ Us had left in us. So we decided it was time to go home, unload our purchases and eat. Chips and queso have never tasted so good. Well, except for the last time I ate them.
Saturday morning we woke up refreshed and ready to go. We started the day with some Starbucks (huge shout out to the Venti Peppermint Mocha that sustained me throughout the day) and headed to Target. I’ll sum that entire experience up by saying how do you even begin to decide between the My Little Pony Teapot Palace and the Littlest Pet Shop Rescue Center? It’s like here take my arm…no wait, take my leg…no, my arm. After much debate and deliberation I decided on the Polly Pockets Race to the Mall because I identified with it deep in my soul.
Except I am not wee like the Polly Pockets.
Our day included stops at every store in the entire state of Texas, including Bass Pro Shops. If any of y’all are like me and have never been in a Bass Pro Shops, then let me give you a tip, this whole hunting/fishing thing is apparently BIG business. I mean we are talking MASSIVE amounts of square footage devoted to merchandise that is fashion-free.
Not to mention a Santa Claus complete with a team of eight dead, stuffed reindeer pulling his sleigh.
The best part was the customer survey questionnaire they hand you as you walk out the door with a question that asks how you arrived at Bass Pro Shops. The choices are AUTOMOBILE, PLANE, MOTORCOACH or RV. Which is so weird because those are exactly the same choices on the questionnaire at Neiman’s.
After a day of various parking lot situations that almost caused me to lose my joy and allowing my blood sugar to drop dangerously low due to lack of taking the proper sugar cookie breaks, we finally arrived at a few stores a little closer to home. Gulley had a few more presents to buy and I suggested we go look in Victoria’s Secret because I thought they were having a sale on what I believe to be the greatest robe ever made.
Unfortunately, the robe wasn’t on sale. However, seeing the row of robes folded neatly caused me to wax nostalgic about the night I purchased my robe for 75% off at an after Christmas sale last year. I touched the folded robes and actually said to Gulley, “I’ll never forget the night I bought my robe. It was rainy and cold outside…” I had a faraway look in my eye and a single tear streamed down my face at the sweetness of the memory.
I looked up and realized Gulley was looking at me like I had lost my mind, and so I never even got to the part in my story where my new robe and I went to pick up some Church’s spicy chicken tenders, mashed potatoes and a Diet Coke and then curled up together on the couch to watch “Sweet Home Alabama”.
Instead we started laughing so hard that Gulley had to find a bathroom and I literally had to sit down on the floor in Victoria’s Secret because I could barely breathe for all the laughing.
We realized at that point we were no longer mentally fit to be in public so we headed to the house with our wrapping paper, packages and some cheese. Because we enjoy eating massive amounts of dairy when we’re together.
AJ came over and assisted us in our wrapping efforts and, four hours later, we were done. Everything is wrapped, everything is festive.
Now I just need to decorate the tree. And the house. And the yard.
Other than that, I’m ready for Christmas.
And to snuggle up with my robe. After all, it’s almost our one year anniversary.
**Edited to add that I fixed the link to the robe.