Edition 11: Fashion Friday

Greetings from the place where cough due to cold has taken up residence.

And before I get started, let me say that there will be no pictures with this week’s Fashion Friday. Due to the redesign process, all of the pictures were wonky and askew. I couldn’t look at them without my head wanting to explode.

So this week y’all will have to actually click on the links to know what I’m talking about, instead of having the photos spoonfed to you. I deeply apologize for the inconvenience but, trust me, it’s better this way.

I almost skipped out on the whole Fashion Friday thing because nothing about me is really functioning at full capacity, in spite of the fact that my neighbor brought over some pork tamales from Delicious Tamales last night and was not even aware of my tamale emergency.

It was purely spontaneous.

I’ve always believed, ask and the tamales will be given to you, seek and you will find the tamales. God provided those tamales because He is the giver of all good gifts. And He knows that tofu tamales are an abomination.

As are the faded black yoga pants that I am currently wearing.

And speaking of fashion, let’s get going before my cold medicine kicks in. Once that happens, I cannot be held responsible for anything I may say or advise.

1. Nicole (who emailed in the throes of a fashion emergency) asks: “So, there’s this jacket at Harold’s that I LOVE. However, as you can see, the price tag is a little hefty. And if it doesn’t look that great online, just wait till you see it in person. I am still recovering. Anywho, I thought you and all your fashion knowledge might know of an affordable option for me somewhere.

I feel your fashion pain, Nicole. It’s like earlier this year when I was in serious need of a particular coat from Anthropologie, yet did not purchase it because I believed it was more important to pay our mortgage. However, a month later, I was rewarded by finding a coat with a similar cut at Forever 21. I am all about the affordable option.

Don’t be hatin’ on the bargain rack.

Here is the coat that you found at Harold’s. It retails for One hundred and ninety-eight American dollars.

Here are a few things I found that may be a good alternative. It all depends on what appealed to you most about that jacket. The color? The cut? The design? The way it looks on the model who weighs 84 pounds?

I found this jacket at Target.

And this one.

Here’s the same coat in black with a belted option.

This is a festive option from Forever 21.

Oh, and look at this one with the jeweled detail. Bejeweled is very in this season.

All of these coats retail for less than $100.00 and some as low as $29.99. Hopefully, one of them will solve the coat dilemma and save you from a Christmas holiday season spent weeping and gnashing your teeth at Harold’s.

2. Cattail Mama asks: “The crop pant/Capri pant? Is it acceptable in the winter as long as it is worn with boots? Of course, I’d assume that the boots must be above the hemline of the pants? I don’t get it. I’ve seen some people wearing the crop pant that looks to be a springish sort of material with tall winter boots. Have they just not shopped for the winter wardrobe yet and they’re trying to get all they can out of that pair of spring capris? What do you think?

I think boots with capri pants of any type are just wrong.

Wrong like tofu tamales.

I am hoping that what you have seen are actually a gaucho pant and not a capri pant. Although the word “gaucho” feels a little dated to me.

Maybe it’s because I recall receiving a spiffy gaucho outfit for Christmas one year that consisted of denim gauchos, a shirt that read “JEANS! JEANS! JEANS!” and a matching stretchy belt that tied in the whole ensemble. Do I need to mention that it was 1977?

The seventies were apparently a troubled decade. If you need further proof, let me remind y’all of the Garanimals.

Anyway, I’m not opposed to what I’m going to refer to as the wide-legged cropped pant with boots. I think it can be a really good look. In fact, I have a chocolate brown plaid patterned pair that I wear with tall, brown suede boots and a cream sweater. The trick is that they need to be in a winter-type material.

Nobody’s fooling anybody wearing some pastel floral capris with winter boots.

Here’s a good example that I found at Bloomingdales.

Those could be a great start to a fun holiday ensemble. And look! They’re on sale.

That’s all the questions I am answering today.

It’s hard to maintain any momentum while stopping every 4 1/2 seconds to either sneeze or cough or think about how I’d rather be in bed while visions of pork tamales dance in my head.

Which is actually kind of a disgusting thought.

And a sure sign that the Nyquil has kicked in.

Y’all have a merry Friday!

Speaking of emergency, I’m in need of some pork tamales

I’m trying not to think about the fact that I have a scratchy, sore throat which I feel certain will develop into a full blown cold within the next 24 hours. I am also trying not to think about the fact that someone found my blog today by searching for a Spongebob Bra in a size 34A.

I’m not sure why anyone would want to wear a bra that depicts a big yellow sponge wearing pants.

Perhaps that was Victoria’s real secret.

So, here’s what I found hilarious yesterday. Y’all got so tickled over P and his emergency hunting trip, but you need to know that when I wrote that sentence I was in no way trying to be funny. I truly believed he had left on an emergency trip to go hunting.

Which tells me that we have been together for a long time and he has completely brainwashed me, because ten years ago the only emergency hunting trip I could have envisioned was a trip to the mall to find the right pair of shoes for a new outfit.

The sad thing is what qualified this trip as an emergency wasn’t that we needed provisions in the form of venison to get us through the not-very-cold Texas winter. I can always just run to HEB and pick up some ground chuck. The emergency was that a cold front had blown through, which means the deer are actually moving, therefore creating prime hunting conditions.

And there’s a sentence I would have never written eleven years ago.

So, P had to head down to South Texas.

Due to a cold front emergency.

And yes, he brought home a deer so we will, indeed, have food to get us through the long, mild winter.

Crisis averted.

The other question that came up was the Bible study that I am currently working on. My fabulous group of Bible study girls (l should probably say ladies, but that sounds a little Kenny Rogers-ish to me) just completed “A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place” by Beth Moore.

And while I have never had the privilege of meeting Beth Moore in person, I feel certain she would understand that I had to bring my daughter, toting guns and jewelry, to a Bible study, while my husband was away on an emergency hunting trip. Because I’m willing to bet that her husband has also left on the occasional emergency hunting trip.

Anyway, we finished our study of the tabernacle and are planning on doing “Believing God” starting in January.

In other news, Gulley and I had lunch with AJ yesterday because she is moving to Dallas today. And I really can’t get into that because, while I am so happy for her, I’m so sad to see her go. I even shed a few tears much to her sheer horror at my display of emotion.

We let AJ pick the restaurant since it was her farewell lunch and she picked a restaurant that serves healthy Mexican food. I AM NOT KIDDING. The menu even said “WE DON’T USE LARD”.

As if it were a source of pride.

Gulley and I scanned the menu, wondering aloud what various things would taste like without the flavor…I mean, the lard. I finally decided on the bean and cheese nachos made with non-refried pinto beans (TASTY!) and fat-free cheese (DELICIOUS!).

Gulley ordered the tamales and the waiter asked, “What kind?”

She asked, “What kind do you have?”

“Non-refried bean, chicken, vegetarian, tofu…”

“Yeah, I’ll just have the chicken fajitas.”

Which, apparently, translated to “just dry the heck out of a chicken breast and bring it out on a plate with some non-refried beans”.

But, seriously, tofu tamales?

Tamales should be pork or beef. With a side helping of lard.

The lard is why Americans have stolen Mexican food from Mexico.

What kind of sick world are we living in when people are eating tofu tamales and wearing Spongebob lingerie?

And, hopefully, not at the same time.

The steam has left me weak and nonsensical

So, yes. The blog is undergoing some renovations. It’s still a work in progress, so what you’re seeing isn’t the finished product. Right now it’s the beauty equivalent of having on some foundation, but knowing you’re going to look better once you have on a little bit of lipstick and perhaps some mascara.

And, no, the staff at Big Mama, Inc. is in no way involved in writing any html, or css, or what-have-you for the new look. Well, other than completely outsourcing the entire project to Jules at Everyday Design.

We here at Big Mama are big fans of the outsourcing. Stay tuned for the finished product.

In other news, thank you all for your well wishes for Caroline. The little midnight hacker is doing much better today and a trip to the pediatrician found her lungs clear and healthy.

She is no worse for the wear.

I, on the other hand, after three different steam baths in the wee, small hours, feel much like I have been run over by a very large truck. A truck that after running over me, backed up to do it again.

On the bright side, my pores have never been clearer.

And as I sat on the toilet (LID DOWN) last night and rocked my baby girl, the thing that worried me the most was that I couldn’t get the theme song from “Diff’rent Strokes” out of my head. It’s like I have opened some type of Pandora’s box that will ultimately cause my friends and family to abandon me one by one because they won’t be able to take the constant repeating of “it takes diff’rent strokes, it takes diff’rent strokes, it takes diff’rent strokes to move the world”.

Or is it “rule the world”? I couldn’t really remember last night at 3:00 a.m. while I was sitting on the toilet (LID DOWN) with sweat running down my forehead, watching beads of condensation trickle down the tiles due to the high humidity.

Anyway, last night before Cough Fest ’07 began, I planned to take Caroline with me to Bible Study over at Gulley’s house. P had to leave on an emergency hunting trip, the babysitter was sick, and so I told Caroline she could just go with me with the stipulation that she and Jackson had to QUIETLY and CALMLY watch movies in Gulley’s bedroom while we had our Bible Study.

The fact that this announcement was met with yelling and jumping up and down should have been an indication of how well this plan was going to go.

I got Caroline bathed and in her jammies. Then I noticed she was packing up her Hello Kitty! purse with a variety of things that didn’t seem to go hand in hand with QUIET and CALM. So I said, “Caroline, I don’t want you bringing a bunch of toys over there. The deal is that y’all will rest and watch T.V.”

She replied, “Don’t worry, Mama. I’m just taking the things Jackson and I will need. Guns and jewelry.”

Which is so weird because that’s exactly what J.Lo used to take on dates back when she was still with P.Diddy.

It just proves that it does, indeed, take diff’rent strokes to move and/or rule the world.

Last but not least, Happy Birthday, Mimi. We here at Big Mama hope you have a wonderful day complete with some good Italian food and a nice bottle of wine.