Help me

  • This is a test of the emergency blogcast system

    We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties here at Big Mama, Inc.

    Our staff is working furiously behind the scenes trying to figure out exactly what went wrong.

    We have figured out that it has something to do with the computer.

    The problem all started when I called Sophie, of Boomama greatness, to ask her how to move some stuff around on my sidebar. She told me what I needed to do and then said, “Why don’t I just do it for you?”

    And I agreed because I was deathly afraid that I would mess things up beyond all comprehension if I tried to do something technical. Plus, I really hate to learn new things. I find that knowledge is usually highly overrated.

    So, I’m sitting on the phone with Sophie as she begins to copy and paste, thinking to myself what a sweet friend she is to just take care of all this for me while she is in the midst of hosting a Soup-tacular.

    And then I hear what sounds like hyperventilating as she says, “Don’t look at your blog. Do NOT pull up your blog. I’ll get it all fixed in just a minute.”

    Well, I looked at my blog. And I’m not going to lie, it was not pretty.

    Sophie and I stared at all the html code for a long period of time with our brains calculating all the vast internet knowledge that we do not possess. We have sent frantic S.O.S. messages to people who know more about all this than we do, but I’m not sure Caroline’s preschool class will be checking email on a Friday afternoon.

    In the meantime, we here at Big Mama, Inc. have reverted back to the bright aqua format so that y’all can still actually read blog posts without having to decipher where each post begins and ends.

    Your prayers for a swift html recovery would be much appreciated.

  • I probably should spend more time focusing on inner beauty

    I started yesterday like I start every other Tuesday morning, with a trip to the orthodontist. The only difference was that yesterday I brought Caroline with me and it really made the whole experience more meaningful to have someone standing right at my head asking, “WHAT’S HE DOING, MAMA? DOES THAT HURT? THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS, MAMA!”

    And now is when I usually whine and complain and give my overall sob story about how I didn’t get my braces off. So yeah, I didn’t get my braces off. I got the same old song and dance about how he doesn’t want to take them off until my bite is perfect, and the Earth is in alignment with Jupiter, and the planets of Venus do a dance around the sun. Then, he showed me how to use a variety of rubberbands to create a web that even Charlotte would envy and that seems to have given my mouth the ability to move of its own free will. I am a little bit like a ventriloquist dummy, but without the ventriloquist…which I guess just leaves a dummy…which makes me think of “Sanford and Son”.

    Hey Dummy.

    As usual, I am firing on all cylinders.

    Anyway, my braces should come off sometime between now and never. As I scheduled my next appointment, the receptionist said, “It looks like next time you’re getting your permanent retainer!” I just looked at her blankly and said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” My attitude has taken a serious nose dive to the south.

    We topped off the morning of orthodontia with a trip to Target. I can’t really remember what we needed. Oh! We needed a Rubbermaid bin for our new pocket-sized friend Polly and her wee wardrobe. We found a lovely bin with a lid that clicks into place, and then I directed our attention to the childrens’ apparel. They had these cute little capri yoga pants with a matching hoodie in a peppy shade of blue with Super Star written across the front, but instead of spelling out “Star” there was just a little picture of a star. The outfit was 50% off and I have an affinity for anything that says “Super Star” because great is my love for Mary Katherine Gallagher. So, I showed the outfit to Caroline, she looked it over, and announced, “Oh no. I will not wear that.” Apparently, 4 year olds aren’t wearing sassy tracksuits this fall, they are so over.

    Finally, our morning of fun culminated in a trip to HEB where Caroline realized, for the first time, that the letters above the store are, in fact, H. E. B. It was a moment filled with awe and wonder at the symmetry of it all. Anyway, we loaded our cart with all the essentials; milk, eggs, cheese, hot dogs and Sour Patch Kids. Then, we headed over to the toiletries section because I needed razors and shampoo.

    So, here’s where I have to make a confession. I have broken up with the Schick Intuition. I haven’t been ready to publicly admit that until now because I haven’t been sure if we’re just “on a break” or if we’re actually past the point of reconciliation. Yesterday, in the razor aisle at HEB, I accepted that whatever we once had is gone.

    Those little inserts, with the soap and the razor all in one convenient package, were so appealing at first, but I began to notice that the soap part breaks off way too soon. It can’t commit to a long term relationship, and I really need the security of knowing I won’t be left in the shower with nothing to shave my legs with but a dry razor blade. I know I led many of you astray with my earlier glowing review of the Intuition, but it was all so new and exciting. I was blinded to its flaws and I kept giving it chance after chance for redemption, but, yesterday around noon, I accepted it was time to move on and went back to my old friend, The Venus.

    We were reunited and it feels so good.

    After all that angst amongst the hair removal products, I headed to the hair care aisle. I saved it for the end of the trip because I knew exactly what was going to happen. About a month ago, I ran out of my Biolage Normalizing Shampoo. I accepted it and decided that, given our new budget constraints, I could live with Pantene Pro-V. The Pantene ran out on Sunday. On Monday I was reduced to using Caroline’s Barbie Shampoo and, although my hair was tangle free and smelled like strawberries, I didn’t feel that I was getting the hair care that I need. It was time to buy new shampoo.

    I stood on that aisle for a long time, concentrating so hard that at one point I even asked Caroline to “Please, just quit talking for one minute so that Mama can think.” This is important, baby, this is about Mama’s HAIR.

    It was a crucial decision and, in the back of my mind, I could hear Gulley’s warning that trying to go cheap on her hair care regimen resulted in damage that she is still dealing with to this day. I gazed longingly at the bottle of Biolage. I even picked it up and put it in my cart because my flesh is weak. Then, as I walked down the aisle, I noticed the $3 bottle of Clairol Herbalessence with COCONUT MILK which, I have no idea what that means for my hair, but it sounded calming and ALL NATURAL. So, I put down my Biolage and picked up the Clairol.

    But I’m not sure I feel good about this decision. I mean, I can give up the Biolage, but I need a good replacement. Any recommendations on haircare products?

  • I hate to admit that I may have been curled up in the fetal position

    I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I am not a fan of change. And when I say not a fan, what I mean is that change tends to make me panic and hyperventilate.? Like I always tell P, it’s not that I’m high maintenance, I just like things the way I like them.

    I mean I am a woman who spent days after I brought Caroline home from the hospital crying because I was just so homesick for the hospital. After all, in the hospital I knew how to be a mama, but to have a baby at home was an entirely different experience. I didn’t know how to be a mama within the confines of my own home.? Of course, the hospital also had the bonus feature of an around the clock nursing staff who were far more competent than me AND they changed diapers filled with a tar-like substance.? But of course, hospitals tend to frown on people taking up permanent residence, not to mention the insurance companies, so I had to learn how to be a mama at home.

    And I survived.

    So, it would make sense that in spite of all the issues I was having with Blogger, and especially Haloscan, that I am feeling a little uncomfortable here in my new home at WordPress, even though I know it’s bigger and better.? Everytime I push a button or click on a link, I just know I’m about to erase my entire blog or post something that looks like this ald;jlkhiopehoi? because I’m so busy trying to learn all the features and have no idea what I’m doing.

    I’m very computer savvy.

    Anyway, for those of y’all who have mentioned that you’ve had trouble subscribing or adding a link, I’m pretty sure it’s a temporary glitch in Bloglines. I was able to subscribe to the new feed on Bloglines, Google Reader and iGoogle. I also know several readers who have had no problem putting the new link on their blogroll, and IT WORKS.? So, the right link is http://thebigmamablog.com/? for your blogrolls, and if that doesn’t work for the feedreaders try http://thebigmamablog.com/feed/. And if all that fails, or you want to do it the easiest way possible, look on my sidebar at the end of my blogroll and click on either of the subscribe icons and they’ll hook you up.

    If y’all get the chance in your busy weekends, I’d appreciate it if you’d give it a whirl so I’ll know it’s all working. I’m going to keep double posting over at the Blogger site for the next week just to make sure something is showing up in Bloglines and to give y’all time to make the switch.

    Thanks for your patience while I sit here at my desk and hyperventilate.

  • Ask not what Big Mama can do for you, but what you can do for Big Mama

    I am a procrastinator. It’s who I am. Maybe it’s because I like to live life with that extra amount of stress or maybe I’m just a little lazy until forced to take action, but I always put off today what can be done tomorrow.

    Which may explain my stellar GPA in college.

    In all fairness, there is only so much a person can retain when trying to read an entire Geology textbook in one sitting the night before an exam. And that’s right, I took Geology, otherwise known as “Rocks for Jocks”, because Biology at Texas A&M is what’s known as a “weed-out” course. It’s a real life study of Darwinian theory, only the strong survive. The rest are spit out on the shores of community college or, at the very least, scholastic probation.

    Anyway, months ago, when my friend E announced she was pregnant, I immediately said, “I can’t wait to help plan a baby shower for you!”. And I totally meant it. What’s not to love about baby showers? I mean, pastel Jordan almonds and pink sherbert punch all in one setting, while guests oooh and aaah over an electric breast pump and share their own labor horror stories? What more could you ask for in a social get together?

    It doesn’t get any better than that.

    A few of us got together and began planning the initial details of the shower. We decided on a date and I volunteered to have the shower at my house because BABY SHOWERS! LOVE THE BABIES! E & W HAVING BABIES! HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!

    I wrote the date down on my calendar and it got pushed to the back of my mind because it was months and months away. Then, about a month ago, I received my invitation in the mail and a little light went on that alerted me that the day was drawing closer…and then, it went right back off because a month? A month away? PLENTY OF TIME.

    So, on Friday, in the midst of all my thumb trauma, I happened to glance at my calendar and realized the shower was a week away, and as I write this, less than a week away. And the little light inside came back on in FULL PANIC MODE.

    ONE WEEK. One week to get my house party ready and oh, plan and cook a brunch menu for 35-40 people. And really, I’m excited about it. I thrive on the pressure. In all honesty, I love having people over and I love cooking for a crowd. And I adore E and could not be more excited for her as she joins the ranks of motherhood.

    So, here’s what y’all can do for me, because I know you’re wondering. I’d love to hear about some of your favorite baby shower moments, great brunch recipes and cute decorating ideas.

    Help me out, o wise internet friends.

  • She was 41 and her daddy still called her baby

    Last night after dinner, when we discovered there was truly nothing on T.V., we scrolled through our channel guide and discovered our music channels. I had no idea we even had music channels. We switched our service to Dish Network after I decided that Time Warner is part of the axis of evil, and I haven’t spent much time perusing all our programming options.

    Plus, we know where Noggin is and, in at least one of our opinions, that’s all that matters. Oh Go Diego Go, how I love starting my mornings to the sound of Rosie Perez’s voice.

    Anyway, P searched for a classic country option. We’ve been listening to quite a lot of classic country lately because it’s always on at Mimi and Bop’s house. Lo and behold, we have our very own classic country channel on our television through the technological marvel that is the satellite dish. So, we sat on the couch and listened to some high quality music while we discussed our the events of our day.

    Seriously, there is nothing on T.V. this week, but don’t think I’m not counting down the days until the all new season of Top Chef premieres next week.

    Hearing some of the songs brought back so many childhood memories that I could almost smell the interior of our ’77 Buick LeSabre with its baby blue velour seats. I was country when country wasn’t cool, wearing my cowboy boots from Weiners. Of course wearing cowboy boots bought from Weiners probably qualified me as more of an urban cowboy.

    I shrieked with delight when The Statler Brothers came on. “Flowers on the Wall”, anyone remember it? “Elizabeth”? “Do You Know You are My Sunshine?”?

    These are classics people. Classics.

    In a one hour period, we listened to John Conlee, Patsy Cline, Buck Owens, Jessie Colter, Waylon Jennings and George Jones. I think I frightened P with all my nostalgia and talk of GENUINE LEATHER cowboys boots from Weiners. But as God is my witness, I am so going to download some classic country from iTunes this weekend and don’t be fooled into thinking for a minute that “Delta Dawn” isn’t going to be on the list.

    So, what classic country would be on y’alls list? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Be proud and own your love of The Oakridge Boys. You know you spent some time singing “Elvira”. Don’t deny it.

    And any comments that mention Rascal Flatts or Kenny Chesney as legitimate musical suggestions will be promptly deleted. They’re not classic and they’re not country. George Jones would give up drinking before he’d be seen wearing pukka shells around his neck.

  • To market, to market to buy a bargain-priced fat hen

    Since I am no longer gainfully employed, I have been looking for ways to cut back on our monthly expenses, because the funny thing about not having a job is the paycheck fairies quit direct depositing goodness into your checking account. Who knew? And since we have not only lost a source of income, but acquired a car payment and insurance payments, it is time for a few budget cuts.

    I have never been one to live on a budget as my daddy would be quick to tell you. In fact, he received so many overdraft notices from my bank in college letting him know that I had overdrawn my account and they had covered the indiscretion by kindly taking money out of his personal account, that he referred to these notices as love notes. It was just my way of saying hello and really, all the money came from him anyway, so what did it matter whose account it was technically in? It’s semantics.

    However, with the realities of adulthood, I learned to be a little wiser about money. However, we have never run our household with a pie wedge budget, although if I could figure out how to pie wedge stuff, I would totally do it. Nothing would make me happier than to have a nice, color coded wedge to help me allot our funds, but I’m afraid it might require math, so I’ll do without.

    Anyway, we have figured out a few ways to cut some expenses here and there. Obviously, we let Cata go which means we’ll save a bundle in Grab-its money alone. But what I’m really struggling with is how to save money at the grocery store.

    While I was still working, this was a typical trip to the store for me. I’d always start in the produce section and pick up about six avocadoes, never paying attention to the price because you can’t put a price on guacamole. Then, I’d buy a few bags of Sour Patch Kids because they are an essential. Organic chocolate milk in a cute glass bottle with a cow on it? I’ll take two. It’s more than worth the money to see that cute bottle in my fridge.

    Then, of course, I had to buy the delicious pre-marinated HEB brand fajita meat, brand name dog food (because when the dogs aren’t busy licking their rear ends they have very discriminating tastes), Viva papertowels, Charmin Ultra better-than-a-bidet toilet paper, Dixie paperplates, Ziploc baggies with the super-patented ultra lock seal of death, Blue Bell ice cream, and oh my goodness, they sell OPI nailpolish at HEB, so I better get at least 2 different colors right now.

    I’m also partial to Biolage hair products, Kashi trail mix bars, Ghiradelli chocolate chips, Starbucks ground coffee and making sure I purchase the latest People, US Weekly and InStyle because after all, a girl has to stay current. Needless to say, initially, it was fairly easy to cut back on some things that MAY fall under the category of NOT NECESSARY, although if I were stranded on a desert island, I would totally need the Biolage shampoo and conditioner because nothing damages your hair like salt water and sun.

    So, after my initial cutbacks, I was still trying to come up with some other things I could replace with cheaper items. I decided to go with cheap paper towels, which I purchased in bulk. Let’s just say that going from Viva to Brand X is the paper towel equivalent of going from a luxurious spa resort to a camp out on the beach. Hellish and scratchy.

    P has now forbidden me to buy cheap paper towels and toilet paper.

    My question today is how do y’all save money at the grocery store? Don’t tell me about Costco because, honestly, buying in bulk makes me itch. I already have 600 pounds of elk meat in my freezer and I don’t have enough storage to put an 80 lb. bottle of laundry detergent somewhere. Also, don’t suggest generic peanut butter because that is just sick and wrong.

    So, within those parameters, what are you willing to cut costs on and what are the items you absolutely will not sacrifice even if it means your children will go to college on student loans?