All day Tuesday we just kind of hung out around the house and bonded with our new unicorn. Actually, P and Caroline did take a trip to Bass Pro Shops, but I chose to stay home because did you read the part where I said “Bass Pro Shops”?

I am not interested in retailers that only sell things that come in the colors olive green, brown or tan.

That is so Banana Republic circa 1994.

Anyway, after a leisurely Tuesday, I decided we needed a fun-filled Wednesday. A day filled with all summer has to offer.

And because I am never one to miss out on a trend, I decided we should take a staycation. So I talked to Gulley on Tuesday night and told her I thought Wednesday would be a good day to take the kids to New Braunfels to experience the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch African Safari.

So I guess technically instead of a staycation we took a twenty-five minute awaycation.

I have always been a fan of any business that offers a drive-through for my convenience and I assumed a drive-through safari would be no different. It’s like the zoo on wheels with air-conditioning. What’s not to love?

Plus, this was billed to be better than the zoo. It’s an African Safari.

You can imagine my dismay when this was the first thing we saw.

Ooooh, look kids! It’s the rare and elusive Texas longhorn!

Totally worth the $25.00 I just shelled out in admission.

It’s not like we can just drive down to the ranch and see one or thirty of those FOR FREE.

Gulley and I were exchanging looks with each other as we communicated wordlessly that THE DRIVE-THROUGH SAFARI? It is lame.

But suddenly, it was redeemed because we saw this.

And this.

And this.

We also saw some zebras way back in the trees, two rhinos in a fenced off area, and some giraffe. Oh, and some ostriches that I couldn’t get a picture of because Gulley told the kids some horror story about an ostrich eating the buttons off her Uncle Glen’s shirt one time and they insisted we roll up the windows every time we passed an ostrich.

All said and done, it ended up being an okay activity because it involved air-conditioning, I got to hear Caroline exclaim “OH! ALL MY LIFE I HAVE WANTED TO SEE A WILDEBEEST!”, and each kid got a free bag of some kind of rancid feed to fling at the animals while they flinched.

I don’t know that a person can ask for more than that.

After a quick lunch at Chick-Fil-A, we loaded back up in the car to continue our twenty-five minute awaycation. Our next stop was Landa Park.

The first thing we did was ride the Landa Park train. The conductor was this nice old man and he had a pocketful of peanuts that he threw out for the squirrels. I cannot tell you how much it cracked me up to watch all the squirrels come running down trees to get their peanuts as they heard the train go by. It was like something out of a Disney movie.

We finished the day swimming in the spring-fed swimming hole. (Why does that sentence make me feel like I’m writing an episode of “The Beverly Hillbillies”?) The water temperature was slightly above freezing, but once my extremities went completely numb, it wasn’t too bad.

Finally, it was time to begin the journey home. Gulley and I were worn out. There is nothing like a day of fun to make you want to spend the next three days in bed.

However, the kids asked if we could stop at McDonalds and play on the playground.

I’m pretty sure they’re trying to kill us.

So, Third Day released their newest CD today and it’s called Revelation. You may remember that I gave away ten copies about a month ago.

I apologize if you didn’t win one. Just remember, in my eyes, you’re all winners.

Anyway, to celebrate the release of the CD, the guys from Third Day have agreed to answer a few reader questions.

All you have to do is leave your question in the comments. It’s that easy.

I will choose five questions using the handy random number generator. The winners will have their question answered and also receive an autographed Revelation CD.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

You’ll also receive an autographed Third Day t-shirt.

It’s an abundance of giveaway riches.

In the meantime, if you can’t wait, then you can download Revelation on iTunes.

Oh, and you can also catch them on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno tonight. Set your DVRs!

Can’t wait to read your questions.

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

38
Timestamp: 2008-04-14 12:32:33 UTC

Thank y’all so much for participating in the Fashion Fiesta. I think everyone had a great time and several of y’all emailed to suggest we do it again in the fall, which I’m totally for. Because why would I be against it?

Anyway, the winner is Kiddies and Ghillies!

Congratulations! Email me at bigmama8303@yahoo.com and I’ll put you in touch with Jules so that you can get on her waiting list for your free blog header!

If you are a blogger living in the United States with 50 or more unique visitors a month, then today is your lucky day. Head over here for your chance to get Matt Maher’s Empty and Beautiful CD. FREE.

FOR FREE.

But hurry! Supplies are limited. The first 100 people to sign up will receive the CD.

The rest of you will receive my deepest sympathies because you missed out on a chance to own an awesome CD for free.

I’ve been listening to Matt Maher for the last three weeks and I adore his music. I know you will too!

***TIME’S UP!

WELCOME TO THE NEW HOME OF BIG MAMA.

I decided to change the site because of multiple technical issues, but from here on out this will be home sweet home.

There were multiple problems with my former webhosting service, but I’m now being hosted through Webex Domains and I cannot thank them enough for all their help.

And, as for my fab new look, it’s by the lovely and talented Jules at Everyday Design. I adore it. In fact, it made me clap my hands when I saw it for the first time.

So here’s what I need from y’all. Please re-subscribe to the new url which is thebigmamablog.com. Also, if you link to me on your blogroll I will love you forever if you’ll take the time to change the url there as well.

I promise I’ll never put y’all through all these changes again. I was just in dire need of a total blog cleanse.

As a reward, here’s Caroline singing an Easter classic.

Well, it’s not really a traditional classic, but it’s Caroline’s idea of the perfect Easter song.

Happy Easter from Big Mama on Vimeo.

And in case you’re wondering, the hippo’s name is Butterfly.

Apparently all the cool hippos are wearing hot pink, velour jogging outfits these days.

Who knew?

And remember, don’t forget to re-subscribe and change the link on your blogroll. Y’all are the best.

Here’s a piece of advice.

If you find yourself cooking dinner on a Friday night and you’ve resorted to a throw-down recipe because it’s easy, plus you have all the ingredients on hand, you might want to take a closer look at the sour cream before you just dump it in.

Because, otherwise, you might discover that all your paltry efforts have gone to waste and there is now a hairy lump of sour cream staring at you from the middle of what would have truly been an average tasting dinner.

And at the precise moment it truly registers that there is no turning back from spoiled sour cream, it will actually growl at you because it is just that bad.

But, if you have set your meatballs aside you can whip up a delightful marinara sauce or, you know, pour in a jar of Paul Newman’s Cabernet Marinara, heat up some french bread and make meatball sandwiches instead.

It’s like that old saying: When life hands you ptomaine, make meatball sandwiches.

I am so excited about all the comments and suggestions from yesterday’s post. Mainly because it confirms my suspicions that more than a few of y’all would have been lining up to check out some books from the library in my closet. Not to mention that you brought up a few books I had completely forgotten about such as “The Westing Game” and “From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”.

Frankly, it made me nostalgic for the fourth grade and not just because I was a huge fan of the Bammel Elementary Cafeteria’s chicken fried steak.

And for those of you who thought I was even remotely serious about shutting down the blog, let me assure you that you have underestimated my level of addiction. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d just make stuff up, so if all of a sudden my posts start to highlight my weekly lunches with Heidi Klum or Tina Fey, there’s a good chance they might be loosely based on the truth.

The truth being that I had lunch with Gulley. Or my sister.

But in the interest of complete truthfulness and transparency, here is what we did yesterday.

We woke up around 8:15, which sounds great except for the fact that when you factor in the work of Satan on the American timetable, it was really just 7:15.

And I hadn’t slept very well to begin with because, apparently, there was a very frightened skunk outside our bedroom windows last night.

After a delightful breakfast consisting of Frosted Mini-Wheats for me and 1/4 granola bar for Caroline, it was time to get ready for gymnastics. I wrangled Caroline into her leotard and then brushed her hair back into a ponytail while she launched into a dramatic, three-part monologue detailing the agony of having someone at your beck and call to groom you each morning.

To sum it up, her life is very hard and she will die at the hands of me and Goody hair accessories.

We arrived at gymnastics just in time, and she went in to hone her flying trapeze act while I visited with the other mamas in the front room. The main topic of discussion was summer activity plans and weighing the merits of art class vs. gymnastics vs. watching three consecutive hours of “Charlie and Lola” while slowly becoming an idiot.

We also counseled one woman, who is fairly new to the area, on the importance of joining the neighborhood pool because, other than the fact that it requires donning swimwear, it is hands down the best money we spend all year.

And I’m including food and air-conditioning in that equation.

Although by August my word for the pool will be HATE. It’s at this point that the high school employees all become a tad surly and the chicken fingers and quesadillas all start to taste exactly alike. Plus they run out of the cookies and cream ice cream sandwiches.

Anyway, after gymnastics we went to Gulley’s house to play. Jackson had early dismissal from Kindergarten so we picked up food from McDonald’s which, by the way, is still featuring those lame Spiderwick toys.

The kids spent the afternoon racing back and forth across Gulley’s backyard with her industrial-sized garbage cans because why would any child want to play with the hundreds of dollars worth of outdoor toys and a trampoline when there are nasty, outdoor garbage cans to play with and a barbecue pit to climb on?

Finally, we headed back to the house where I planned a delicious meal for P by looking up the online menu for a place called “Podna’s” that I’ve been wanting to try. And in spite of the fact that I am generally not a fan of any establishment that attempts to spell their name phonetically, they reeled me in because they serve fried catfish and cajun-type food. We got the fried catfish and a shrimp po-boy.

MEH.

It wasn’t bad and it wasn’t good. It was food. Although in the favorable category I will say that at least a dozen and a half shrimp were killed in the making of my po-boy and the bread was delightful.

I put Caroline to bed and hit play on the DVR so we could watch “American Idol”. I already loved Jason Castro, but now that I know he’s an Aggie and he whooped on national television, he will have my unwavering support. Plus, love the whole laid back guitar thing he has going on. Also, I would buy anything that Brook White ever sings. Ever.

I would also buy any hair product she ever uses because she has some seriously good hair going on.

And that was my day. No frills and with some slight exaggeration.

I completely understand if it makes you want to peruse my card catalog and see if you can come up with something more interesting to read.

May I suggest The Little House on the Prairie series? It’s very popular.

So, what are your thoughts on Daylight Saving Time?

I’ll tell you mine. HATE.

It’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back, much like that time I watched “When Good Pets Go Bad”.

We have been playing fast and loose with the weekends around here lately. If you think I’m kidding then wait until I tell y’all about Friday night.

We went out for Mexican food. Came home. P was in bed by 9 p.m. I stayed up until 11:00 because I was catching up on email and Project Runway.

It’s a wonder we don’t have our own reality show.

And if I’m completely honest, the biggest excitement of our weekend was watching some neighborhood drama unfold as we watched through our kitchen windows. Which led me to ask myself when I had turned into Lee Vernon.

So now you’re probably wondering who is Lee Vernon?

About eleven years ago before P and I were married, I lived in a delightful little apartment complex for the bargain price of $395 a month ALL BILLS PAID. I was essentially paying a dollar per square foot. It was a tiny apartment, but did I mention ALL BILLS PAID? I could set the thermostat to 68 and leave it there all day. I wrapped myself in a down comforter all year long, drank hot chocolate and pretended it was winter.

And since at this point I was making my living as an underpaid door salesman, not to be confused with a door-to-door salesman because I actually sold doors, the price was right. In fact, my monthly car payment was more than my rent so, clearly, I had my priorities in order.

One of the first things I noticed within a few days of moving into my little apartment was that I was the only resident under the age of 75. Apparently, I had stumbled into some sort of semi-assisted living arrangement. All the apartments were situated around a common courtyard area with a pool and the landlord was constantly out tending to the plants in the courtyard while toting around her oxygen tank.

Needless to say, I stood out in the crowd and they were fascinated with me. I mean there were nights when I would go out and it would be almost 10:30 p.m. before I arrived home. As P would walk me to my door, past all the clotheslines hung with rather large undergarments, we could see 32 sets of mini-blinds all throughout the courtyard pop open as they watched to see what was going on. I was better entertainment than “Walker, Texas Ranger” and that is saying something.

Lee Vernon was one of my sweet neighbors. She spent most of the day sitting in a lawn chair outside of her apartment with her oxygen tank and her chihuahua. Within two days of my living in the complex, she knew everything about me and, most importantly, everything about P. It was as if she had some sort of government clearance with the amount of information she was able to gather about us.

I soon learned she was the eyes and ears of Village Oaks. She knew everything about everyone and she would tell you whether you wanted to know or not. It became part of my after work ritual to stop by Lee’s apartment and visit with her while she alternately took puffs on her cigarette and her oxygen. I decided the main reason she always sat outside in the lawn chair was so she wouldn’t miss anything.

Kind of like how the papparazzi camps out wherever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are.

Lee Vernon was the first person to find out that P and I had gotten engaged. He proposed to me in my apartment and, as we left for dinner, we told her the news. By the time we returned, everyone in the complex knew about our newly engaged status.

Four months later, P and I were married and I moved out of the Village Oaks. Lee Vernon wasn’t able to have me around for entertainment anymore. The occupants of the complex had to return to watching Tan Bob’s attempts to hit on the Widow Carter as they sat around the swimming pool.

So eleven years later, realizing the biggest entertainment of my weekend came from watching the neighbors, I couldn’t help but think of Lee Vernon.

The excitement all began Saturday morning. Our new neighbors, who renovated Tillie’s house, were having some type of gathering at their house. They haven’t exactly endeared themselves to the neighborhood because they’ve put us all through a year of construction, which always started at 7:30 a.m., and they have a son that drives some type of purple spray-painted Chevy Tahoe with pictures of thug-like people painted on the side, which he parks in front of our house because, for obvious reasons, his parents don’t want it in front of their house.

One of their guests arrived for the party and decided the driveway was too conventional of a place to park and pulled right on up in the neighbor’s grass. And by the way, this is the neighbor who has been known to use orange safety cones to build a safety perimeter around parked vehicles. He was a Marine. We have seen him get out his blower to blow three leaves off his front lawn. He put a piece of Astroturf down where his grandkids had worn down the grass under the swing. He likes things a certain way.

Needless to say, we knew there would be some drama when he arrived home to see a Mercedes SUV parked on his grass.

And we weren’t going to miss it.

Because our lives are sad.

We kept an eye out all day. All we needed were some lawn chairs, a chihuahua and an oxygen tank.

Every now and then we’d see the owner of the Mercedes SUV come out to her vehicle to grab another bottle of champagne and we’d hope that Tom would drive up at that exact moment, but, alas, it didn’t happen. However, I looked out about an hour later and saw him pull into his garage. I yelled for P to come quick.

We watched as Tom got out of his car and walked over to where the Mercedes was parked. He circled the perimeter, clearly determining property lines to ensure that this car was, in fact, parked on his grass. It was and you could see the steam coming out of his ears as he had an internal debate with himself as to whether or not to go confront the new neighbors in the midst of their festivities.

Instead, he made himself comfortable in a chair on his driveway and waited. And waited. And waited.

Meanwhile, we also waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, we had to get on with our Saturday evening plans so we left our perch in the kitchen. I bathed Caroline and, at some point between bath time and bed time, the Mercedes SUV left. We missed it.

Clearly, we don’t have the tenacity it takes to be a real Lee Vernon. That level can only be reached when you achieve the patience to wait as long as it takes.

Or until “Walker, Texas Ranger” comes on. Whichever comes first.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to talk about what’s really going on. And really, it’s not that I don’t want to write about it or that I’m trying to keep it to myself, it’s just that it is harder to get out. It takes thought, which isn’t really true of posts that show pictures of Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines.

A few days ago, I was cleaning out my desk drawer and found my Daytimer from last year. I opened it to the month of February and saw written on February 15th, “Meeting with Human Resources in Dallas”. Honestly, even though I know how it all turned out, seeing that date and those words made my stomach knot up in a little ball of anxiety. I had no idea the journey I was about to go on.

That day will always signify the day things began to change because, even though everything was resolved, I didn’t walk away from that experience the same person I was before it. Something shifted. And while I didn’t really adore my career as a drug rep, it’s not the kind of job you just walk away from. It’s good money, a free car, great benefits. For me it was security wrapped in golden handcuffs.

The next several months brought some big challenges. I became a big fan of picturing the worst case scenario and my mind just went crazy with fear. I had no idea, until we experienced some serious financial setbacks, how much security I found in what was in our savings account. However, by mid-December something clicked and I just let it go. I surrendered all my financial fears to God and truly began to trust Him and His provision. It was as if a hundred pound weight had been lifted.

And guess what? He’s provided.

But none of that is really the point. It’s just the background information.

Just about the time I really began to trust God with our financial situation, I started to have a health issue. I’m not going to go into great detail because Google Ads will pick up on it and who knows what will end up being advertised. As if it could get worse than the current ads for stomach bloating and constipation. And now that I’ve written those out, those Google Ads will never go away. My Google Ad fate is sealed.

Anyway, I started having an issue. Nothing serious, but not quite right either. I went to see a few different doctors and none of them really had any answers. Every test came back negative, but I knew something was going on.

By January, what started as a minor thing became huge in my mind. I worried constantly. I felt like I had a black cloud over me. I knew I was starting to feel other symptoms that signaled something more serious. I made the terrible mistake of going to WebMD and looking up my symptoms to self-diagnose.

Here’s a word of advice. Don’t go to WebMD to self-diagnose. You will always come up with a fatal option. It could be allergies or it could be HORRIBLE PLAGUE OF DEATH. Always. It’s like internet law.

So, on top of the fears about my health, I began to have other irrational fears. There was one Sunday in particular when P and Caroline left to go to the ranch and I just knew something bad was going to happen. It took everything in me not to call him and tell him to come home, but deep down I knew it was my mind raging out of control. I had to calm myself down, spend some time in prayer, and it all turned out okay. They went to the ranch, had a lovely day, and other than Caroline poking a hole in her Whataburger cup full of lemonade, everything was fine.

Finally one night, sitting on the couch next to P, I was gripped by the fear that something was really wrong with me. It was hard for me to even find the words to tell him what was going on. Honestly, I don’t think I even conveyed how truly worried I was, I just told him I was really concerned about my health and told him to pray for me.

The next morning I was sitting at the computer when he walked in from an appointment. He said, “I prayed for you this morning. I prayed that God would heal whatever it is in you that feels like anytime He is doing something really good in your life that it means something bad is going to happen.”

And with that statement, I began to cry. Because at that moment, P had just spoken an incredible truth into my life. I hadn’t even been aware that’s what I’d been doing, but I knew in an instant it was exactly what was going on. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Somewhere along the way I was tricked into believing that I don’t deserve the good. It’s not even that my life has been full of the bad. I have been abundantly blessed in so many ways, but there’s a part of me that always feels like I don’t deserve it or that it must mean something bad is going to happen eventually. I had even convinced myself that the whole reason I had this blog was so I could fight my horrific faux health battle on the internet.

It was a lie. It was all a lie.

God wants to give us good things. Actually, He wants to give us the BEST things, but it requires faith. And yes, bad things are going to happen because it’s an inevitable part of life, but when they happen we make the decision to walk through them with God or away from God. He doesn’t cause them. He’s not up there with some holy abacus keeping count of the good and the bad in everyone’s life and making sure it comes out even.

Here’s the amazing thing. That morning after P and I talked, my health issue disappeared. I’ve been perfectly fine ever since. It’s like it had a grip on me and once the truth was spoken it had no choice but to let go.

And that’s what this year has been about for me. Letting go. Of fear. Of insecurity. Of pride.

I’ve let it go and life will never look the same again.

It’s all about remembering God holds it all. And He is good.

Psalm 103: 2-5 “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”