Everybody’s a comedian

There are so many things about this video that make me happy. Maybe it’s the cuteness of the pigtails. Maybe it’s when she gets annoyed and tells me that the jokes are for “the people from there” as she points out in the distance.

The Joker from Big Mama on Vimeo.

Or it might be hearing myself get so overly excited about guessing the right answer to something that wasn’t even a real joke.

It’s confirmation that motherhood really does turn us into a person that we might have mocked before we had kids of our own.

I’d cry about the whole thing but my stomach muscles are too sore

I just finished doing The Shred and I feel like I need to talk about it while the hate is still fresh in my mind. And, yes, it needs to be capitalized because it is The Awful.

For those of you who don’t know, the 30 Day Shred is a workout program by Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser. I’ve only watched a few episodes of Biggest Loser, but I spent many a day last summer hating The Shred. But such is the plight of a woman on the brink of forty whose metabolism is a faint memory of what it used to be back in the days when she could eat a deep fried burrito covered in chili for lunch and her stomach would remain flat.

Sadly, I meant to recommit my life to The Shred back in March to give myself ample time to prepare for the onslaught of swimsuit season, but somehow March flew by in a haze of Gummie Sour Lifesavers and puffy beef tacos and chile con queso. Now it’s May. And the neighborhood pool officially opened last weekend.


Procrastination, you are my nemesis.

And chile con queso? You are also my nemesis.

A few weeks ago, Gulley started going to bootcamp with a few other women in her neighborhood. They meet three mornings a week at 5:15 and workout for an hour with a trainer. I totally thought about doing it with her except for the part about 5:15 a.m. and working out for an hour. Other than that it would have been solid gold.

She told me that after the first day the women in the group asked the trainer if he could bring some music for them to listen to during the workout. So the next day he brought Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Greatest Hits and cranked that bad boy up while they went through their workout. The women in the group were puzzled by the musical choice until they realized that their trainer is in his early twenties. That poor guy had no clue what a bunch of women in their late thirties and forties would want to listen to while working out. He probably went home, called one of his buddies and said, “Dude. What do you think a bunch of old women want to listen to during a workout?”

To which his buddy replied, “Dude. I don’t know. But my grandma used to have a Lynyrd Skynyrd eight-track tape that she listened to in her El Camino.” And that’s my version of how Gulley ended up doing lunges and squats to Freebird last week.

It makes me so happy.

Needless to say, she asked the trainer if she could bring in her own mix for the group. And that group doesn’t know how lucky they are because Gulley has been queen of the mix tape since I first met her back in 1990. Of course I guess the kids these days would refer to it as an iMix and not a mix tape. Which is a real shame.

Last year in the midst of my Shred mania I made myself a workout mix to listen to because I cannot bear to listen to Jillian’s voice. For me, it is the voice of regret. Regret that I spent the winter eating pasta with various cream sauces.

So I’ve made a new mix to help me through my time of need. And the lunges. My word, the lunges.

1. Gold Digger by Glee Cast – I was never a big fan of the Kanye West version, but the cast of Glee won me over.

2. Crazy by Gnarls Barkley – I owe this one to P. I had no idea he was a closet Gnarls Barkley fan until this showed up in iTunes and I knew I didn’t put it there. P is full of surprises.

3. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas – Without the Black Eyed Peas there would be no hope for me.

4. 4 Minutes by Madonna (featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) – Same goes for Madonna and J.T.

5. Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus – I realize by this admission that I’ve just lost all credibility.

6. Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson – This needs no explanation.

7. Like A Prayer by Glee Cast – The cast of Glee makes everything better.

8. Senorita by Justin Timberlake – Old song but it reminds me of summertime. And being at the pool. And swimsuits. Which is why I’m in this mess in the first place.

9. Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd – Totally kidding.

10. Nothing Fancy by Dave Barnes – I put this at the end of the workout because it helps me find my happy place instead of taking the DVD out of the DVD player and breaking it in half while saying hateful things about a woman I’ve never met.

What about you? Any good workout songs? I can’t listen to these same ones over and over again for the next thirty days or I’ll end up giving up on the whole endeavor and making a big bowl of queso.

Which doesn’t really sound that bad in the whole scheme of things.


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