Well I inadvertently created a lot of confusion yesterday. I didn’t mean to send you all searching the internet for a candy product called Hot Garbage.
When I wrote my list of Halloween candy from best to worst, I literally meant hot garbage. As in I’d rather eat garbage that is hot before I’d eat Twizzlers or Dots or Lemonheads. I find them to be waxy and tasteless and similar to chewing on a shoe. Well, except for Lemonheads. They’re like chewing on an inexplicably sour shoe.
I hope that clears it up.
So you know what I did yesterday?
(Besides lament that no one got my hot garbage humor?)
I spent the day with a bunch of sixth graders from the local junior high. One of my friends is an English teacher and thought it might be fun to have me come in and talk to the kids about how to write a personal narrative. And I agreed it might be fun just as soon as she explained to me what a personal narrative is.
It turns out it’s what I write on the blog every day. Who knew this fell into any kind of real category other than PURE NONSENSE?
So I tried to put together a little talk on writing that I hoped would appeal to sixth graders. The only problem was I don’t really know any sixth graders. And I haven’t been a sixth grader in twenty-nine years. All I really remember about that whole experience is that the sixth grade band director at Bammel Middle School made me play the flute instead of the clarinet because my mouth was shaped wrong for the flute. Clearly I still bear the scars of my flute rejection.
I also remember that I wore an unfortunate red gingham shirt with a denim prairie skirt and Sperry topsiders in my school picture that year. And that my front teeth were enormous in proportion to the rest of my face.
And none of those things really have anything to do with writing.
I told them about the importance of noticing the things around you and trying to make them interesting. We talked about how you have to write often to write well and that reading a variety of books makes you a better writer. I may have told them that they’ll rarely use Geometry once they’re in the real world, but they will always have a need to write well. And I told them not to get caught up in the trap of feeling like what they write has to be perfect on the first or even second attempt. I think it’s obvious that isn’t my struggle. Perfectionism requires a lot of time and effort.
Then I confessed that I graduated from college before I ever knew that the internet existed.
That’s when they all looked at me like I was a walking, breathing antique. Like their Great Aunt Maude had just walked into the room and put her teeth out on the table and hiked up her girdle.
In reality they were very sweet and much more attentive than I thought they’d be. Even though I’m pretty sure they didn’t get any of my jokes. They asked a lot of questions and it was a lot of fun. And I told a few of them (Lilly and Katherine) that I’d mention them by name on the blog today.
And here’s what I learned:
1. Sixth grade was a long time ago.
2. I have a new respect for teachers that get up and teach the same class multiple times in a day. My throat was sore and I was sick of myself by the end of the day.
3. Sixth graders are a lot cuter than I remember being at that age.
4. Apparently it’s okay to wear Nike running shorts with cowboy boots. I had no idea.
5. I’m pretty sure anyone who graduated from college before the internet was invented is too old to wear running shorts and cowboy boots.
Here’s hoping they learned at least that much.