Wow. All I can say is that while yesterday’s comments didn’t make me feel good about my future and the ability to get a good night’s sleep, they did manage to make me know that I’m not the only insomniac out there. My word, we’re in the midst of a no sleep epidemic.
I also wanted to let y’all know that I’ll be hosting some type of health-related giveaway once a week for the next several weeks and writing one post a week to journal my attempts at fitness. This really worked out because I am desperately trying to finish my book and there are some days that I have just used all my words.
Yes, P. That actually happens sometimes.
But today I need to talk about something else.
(Did I just hear the Hallelujah chorus?)
And this is a subject that falls squarely in the category of FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
My new iPhone.
It was sometime in mid-November that I realized my old phone was on its last legs. Mainly because anytime I’d turn it off it acted like it wasn’t going to turn on again. And this sent me into a panic because WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE A PHONE IN MY POSSESSION AT ALL TIMES? WHAT IF SOMEONE NEEDS ME AND CAN’T GET ME? OR WORSE, HOW WILL I PLAY WORDS WITH FRIENDS?
I mean that would be so 1995.
So I decided it was time to get a new phone. More specifically, it was time for me to have my own personal assistant in the form of Siri. Because I am very busy with the two or three things I have on my calendar each week and a social schedule that consists of going out one night every two months.
I skipped out of the Apple store with my new phone in hand and immediately asked Siri to text P on his cell and let him know I got my new phone. And she did it. I got a text from him a few minutes later that asked, “Is this you or Siri?” I told Siri to text “Siri”. And she did it. Then he asked if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty and I told Siri to text that they were dirty. Except she texted “They’re DARTY”.
Oh that Siri. Making fun of my accent and we’ve only known each other a few minutes.
But that should’ve been my first clue.
When I picked Caroline up from school that day she was thrilled to learn about Siri. I explained that you can ask Siri questions like “How is the weather?” and she’d answer. And so Caroline spent the next few hours SCREAMING things into my phone at poor Siri like “HOW DO MONKEYS WIPE THEIR BOTTOMS?” And Siri would say, “I don’t understand”.
Neither do I, Siri. Neither do I.
Siri did her best to answer Caroline. She’d pull up Google and search for “monkey’s bottoms” but everyone has their limit. Then I read that Siri gets used to the sounds and intonations of her owner’s voice over time and begins to understand requests better. And I lamented to Gulley that I was concerned Caroline had screwed up Siri forever with all that screaming and bizarre line of questioning because Siri and I seemed to have increasing difficulty communicating.
I’d ask questions that had been weighing on me such as, “Siri, why are the Kardashians famous?”
And she’d say, “I do not understand Kardashian.”
“Me either, Siri. What’s the deal?”
“I do not understand the deal.”
Then came the day when I said, “Siri, call Gulley on her cell.”
She responded, “I do not see a Deli in your listings.”
“NO, SIRI. CALL GULLEY CELL.”
“Okay. Calling P.F. Changs.”
What the actual heck?
P.F. Changs isn’t even a deli. And I wasn’t even trying to call a deli. I don’t even really like sandwiches.
Then one of my friends on Facebook posted a cute exchange she had with her Siri. She told Siri “Thank you” and Siri said, “No problem, Mary. It’s my pleasure.”
This caused me to develop a complex that maybe the problems between Siri and me were because I neglected to tell her thank you. Maybe other people’s Siris liked them better than mine liked me. Maybe Siri thought I was rude and ungrateful. And because I am neurotic I actually conveyed this concern to Gulley who said, “There are enough problems in the world without people worrying about telling their phone ‘Thank you’. That’s what’s wrong with the world. People are worried about making their phone feel appreciated.”
Yes.
People like her best friend.
Because I tried to thank Siri the next time she texted something to P for me and she responded with “I don’t know THANK YOU”. And really she was lucky I thanked her in the first place because her spelling was atrocious and she only understood half my words and I had to call P and explain that we were having chili for dinner and not “jelly”.
And Gulley thought all of this was hilarious and loved to kid me about worrying that Caroline had been a bad influence on Siri and corrupted her from the very beginning or that Siri’s feelings were hurt because I didn’t appreciate her.
But on Christmas morning Gulley opened up a brand new iPhone of her own. She set the whole thing up, synced all her information and then, eager to try out Siri for herself, said, “Siri, call my mom”.
Siri replied, “I don’t know you and I don’t know your mom.”
Yes. That’s my point.
Maybe she should have said “Please”.
That is one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time! Thank you for amusing me 🙂
Oh, and I’m not stalking you by commenting at 12:41 am. It is only 9:41 pm here on the West Coast 🙂
Awesome! I’m loving me some Big Mama. (well, that sounds awkward!) Found you through Pioneer Woman and have enjoyed your posts, starting with the Santalope! Thank-you for being a bright spot in my day!
Oh Sherell…you have so many MANY enjoyable posts in the future…stick with Big Mama and you will have some huge laughs!! She is hysterical at times! Other times she will make you cry…in a good way! After you read Big Mama, click on over to Boo Mama…also super smart and super funny!
It’s 10:10 pm here in Northern California. Thank you so much for a much needed laugh. I have a horrible cold and been a ball of misery and it’s almost come to the point where I’m stopping strangers on the street to tell my tale of woe because everyone I know is fed up with my complaining. Sound familiar?But at least I don’t have the problem with Siri not understanding me because I have a cold. I don’t think I want my phone to talk to me. Especially about the Kardashians. (Oh horror, what is the world coming to. I just hit spell-check and it knew how to spell Kardashian — ’cause I don’t.)
Oh my word, I Siriously laughed out loud!! (Ha). You make me laugh everyday, but this one was one of your funniest of all time. I made my husband read it too and he agreed, so funny! Thanks for the laugh. Hope you and Siri can work out your communication issues. I love your blog!
Karen
Oh my word, I got an iPhone for Christmas, too, and it makes me feel as dumb as a post. I haven’t even ventured to try Siri yet. I’m sure she is smarter than me and won’t like me a bit. Although I do tend to be excessively polite with strangers, so maybe that will help. You’ve inspired me– you tried Siri as you were walking out the door of the apple place. I will be brave and give her a try.
Cracking up over here. My husband loves to mess with Siri and ask her all kinds of ridiculous questions. To be honest, she freaks me out a bit so I ignore her.
Can you PLEASE ask Suri why I’m awake at 3:08 a.m. ?
Oh, wait, Katie Holmes might not appreciate you calling her daughter at 3:08 a.m. Better ask Siri instead!
My husband cussed at Siri and she said “There is no need for profanity, Rick”.
That is AWESOME and totally made my day!
Ha! I love that!
BA HA HA! POTTY MOUTH RICK:)
No Way!!! That’s so crazy!!! Well, it’s nice to know that siri has standards for language!!!hahahahaha….What did your husband think when he was scolded by his phone???? I love it!!!!!!
Ha! I loved this! Probably because, unfortunately, it’s so true – my relationship with Siri is spotty at best. I wish she and I were closer, but I’m afraid it’s not meant to be. She just doesn’t understand me. Literally.
Since I am a southerner, too, I am staying far away from Siri and her kind. I am pretty sure she would not understand me, since my Explorer had voice recognition blue tooth, and it NEVER understands my commands, and has been known to hang up on my bestfriend for no reason at all in the middle of the best parts of our conversation.
My friends hate when I am on the phone in the car. So I just can’t risk my IPhone ruining more of my friendships. It is a complex world we live in.
I simply CANNOT wait to read your book.
i know right!! can we preorder now:)
Sometimes I wonder if there should be a “Southern Siri.”
A friend of mine and I were traveling through a town unfamiliar to us fairly late one night, and I we just wanted to grab dinner at a Wendy’s drive-thru. Well, I tried consulting Siri to find the nearest Wendy’s, and she kept replying that “the weather forecast is not predicting windy conditions.”
HILARIOUS! Thanks for a great laugh this morning!
Oh my, that is too funny. My husband and the boys played with his phone like that when he first got it. It’s amazing to me the number of answers she actually has programmed to answer. Someone was bored… ha!!
I recently gave up my old flip phone for the new iPhone4S as well. At first I felt like I had no business having it in my hand…..now, I love it. I will admit that I haven’t used the Siri feature much yet, but after reading this post, I feel like it is time to develop a relationship with her. I hope that every once in a while you will post about some of your favorite apps, etc. I added the FREE “couch-2-5k” app and I now feel the pressure of the accountability to do it. So far so good.
Thanks for the great laugh this morning!!! This will make me laugh all day when I think of it. My daughter is thinking of getting one, I will have to tell her all about Siri.
Love this. I’m currently not speaking to Siri, because a few weeks ago she and I had a fight. I was trying to ask her something and she kept answering over me with the wrong information, and I kept trying again and she kept interrupting. Finally she said, “This is not my problem. This is your problem.” So we are on a break.
Oh dear, this is funny stuff!! Praying for you and Siri to reconcile!
I asked her to find a phone number for Tropical Nails (a nail salon) and she told me she could not find a number for a Tropical male. That would be kind of cool if she could.
Please, please tell me someone else has asked Siri to marry them, her favorite color, and other random questions.
I asked her to marry me (Which felt a little odd, because she’s a girl…and I’m a girl…which then felt odd that it felt odd since she’s a machine!)
Her answer cracked me up! tee hee
I’ll have to try the favorite color one. 😉
I laughed out loud SO HARD at this entire post. My one-year-old was looking at me like I’d lost my marbles. I’ll admit, when I saw the title of this post I though you were going to talk about Harry Potter. Am I the only nerd out there that thought that?
I thought of Harry Potter as well. Guess I’m hopelessly out of the loop here. Funny, funny blog today!
i thought she was going to talk about sirius radio, and that it was a typo. this was so much better!!!
So funny! My friend brought her new phone to my house to show off Siri. She got about as much help as you, and many commenters, got! Cracked me up. In the time it took my friend to try to get Siri to understand, I could have walked to the library and found the answer!
help me…I am laughing and I CANNOT STOP!!! So funny!!!! This is why I am just not ready for that type of technology…you make it funny…I would have lost patience many moons ago:)
“What the actual heck?” ~laughing~ I LOVE this…and I gotta upgrade my iPhone and join the fun.
This isn’t the most PC blog title in the world, but you might enjoy: http://shitsirisays.com/
Hilarious!!!!!
I, too, have just hired Siri as my personal assistant. She had somewhat of an attitude at first. You just have to remind her who’s boss…
“Siri, call Mark please.”
“I’m sorry, I cannot take any requests right now”
“Are you kidding!??!”
“I’m serious.”
“Siri (in a firm voice) I NEED you to call Mark”
“Calling Mark”
She has improved a little since then but once in awhile I detect a little sass in her voice.
Ha! I haven’t had her tell me she can’t handle any requests right now. Now I want to get her so busy that she says that. Too funny!
Mercy…I have a little Nokia from 2005…I am really going to need a new phone when we come back this summer!!
This is so funny! I feel really left out since I have a Droid instead of an iPhone! Maybe next upgrade!
this is so hilarious. very well written story!
Loved reading about your “troubled” relationship with Siri and the concern that your child has potentially played a major role in that. I too got a new iphone for Christmas. Since I’ve never had any kind of smart phone, I’m just trying to get used to the basics. Well as soon as my three boys got a hold of it, they have proceeded to try to lead Siri down a path of farts and other typical boy humor in all manner of speaking. Is it crazy to be embarassed of what a stinking program thinks of me?
My own interactions with Siri have been limited to two. The first one was a success as she led me right to the google search results that answered my question. The second one, which I thought was more in line with her expertise, was “How do I delete apps that are trying to download on my iphone?” Her response showed she understood the question, but then she proceeded to process a call to ME. Thanks Siri for the compliment, but if I knew the answer I wouldn’t have asked you first! 😉
Oh my word…you are HILARIOUS!!! It takes a lot to make me laugh hard, not just a giggle and you have done it!!
I also have issues with my Siri. However, I have mentioned to her how stupid I think her name is, so maybe she is mad at me.
I say, give Siri a time-out or a spanking. Works like a charm with my 2-year old. : )
I have laughed through your post and all the comments, too! Thanks for a great start to the day, Melanie!
I have Gulley’s store for my first encounter with Siri.
My first request was to text Dad and Siri smarted off, “I don’t know who your father is. In fact, I don’t know who you are.” and then she disconnected us. Who does she think she is!?
However, I finally got my contacts all labeled correctly and she would start texting “Dad” because that’s his name in my contacts list.
A few weeks later, I was getting braved and I tried to get her to remind me to do something when I got home. She proceeded to (yet again) tell me she didn’t know who I was, much less where I lived. However, she had gotten smart and included a little button called Siri Settings where I could set up myself as a contact and call myself the owner or something similar. Now, it works!
For those of you not using Siri….be brave! You can do it!
This made me nearly pee in pants. HI-LAR-IOUS
HAHAHA, thanks so much for the morning laughs! I “appreciate” you!
To be honest with you, it kind of hurt my feelings that Siri didn’t even know me! And then I realized I must be WAY too sensitive to let Siri, who is really a non-person, hurt my feelings! Love your post, as always! When you hit a writing block, your room awaits!
My husband loves Siri on his phone – maybe a little too much. I don’t want her on mine; she freaks me out just a little bit.
You have no idea how much you make my day on a regular basis. Too funny!
My husband got this phone right before Christmas when we combined out plans into one once I found out I got an employee discount (how did I miss this before? no idea).
So, in the car, after leaving the Verizon store, he used Siri to text his friend John. He asked Siri to do send John the following text message:
“I got one too. Ho Ho Ho.”
Since he was driving, I held the phone. Siri typed out a message….and I hit “send” before I realized what it said. Her message:
“I got 12000”
Clearly 12000 is the new “one too, ho ho ho”.
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monkey bottoms. That was just pure fun. Thanks and have a good day!
“I don’t know you and I don’t know your mom.”
That is the stuff good blogs are made of. The ability to recognize the best punchline of all time and incorporate it into current technology? pure genius.
iLike it.
And Zachary just asked me, “What’s so funny Mom?”
Oh my goodness.
This made me laugh SO HARD.
Maybe Siri knows “yo mama” jokes?
Siri and I have issues too, and I don’t have an accent. Well… I don’t think I do. I’m sure if you heard me, you’d be like “WOW YOU HAVE AN ACCENT” but… I digress.
I have a friend named Damary, which is pronounced Dah-mahdy. But the only thing Siri recognizes is pronounced the same way as “mammary”. She was so un-tickled by it, that she’s put a hit out on my Siri.
Too stinking funny!
PTL the coffee w/ ghiradelli drinking Mel is back- ha jk!
I love the iPhone actually anything Apple related
Oh, how I love this. Ask Siri for queso. If she doesn’t understand, there is no hope.
Oh, be very careful with Siri. She has a dark side. My daughter asked her where to hide a dead body.
Siri’s answer, “Are you looking for swamps, lagoons, volcanoes?”
A phone with an attitude. Perfect.
I just laughed so hard I cried a little bit while reading this. I also haven’t really slept since my son was born 5 months ago, so I might be a little delirious 🙂
Haha, I’ve been holding out for the iPhone 5, but I really can’t wait to mess with Siri.
Have you seen this Siri blog?
http://shitisaytosiri.tumblr.com/
okay, you just talked me out of updating to and iPhone 4S. HUMANS cannot understand my southern twang sometimes. I know I would end up frustrated.
I laugh because Siri hates me, too! She has developed quite the attitude with me, actually. Other than dealing with her, I love my iPhone!!
Try telling Siri “I love you”- it’s hilarious (she has a different response every time). Other than that, I’ve decided she’s pretty worthless.
That’s about the only thing I’ve tried with Siri that worked 🙂
Am I the only one scared of Siri? I have the iPhone 3GS and I just upgraded to that not too long ago. I’ll upgrade to the iPhone 4G at some point next year and then wait two years deciding what to do because I just don’t want AI anywhere near me :).
Oh, I love this. I don’t have an iphone, but this just makes me laugh.
Perfect. Just Perfect.
Holy mackerel, that was so funny! I just love coming over here and reading your posts. You are a riot.
Myhusband and I love to ask Siri slightly inappropriate questions. YES, we are 12!!
THIS. IS. AWESOME.
I just read it to my freshman class.
They loved it!
I spit out my Diet Mt Dew approximately 57 times while reading this. Hilarious!
Oh my word, this had me laughing so hard I was crying. And I don’t do that much. I have like the oldest iPhone out there so I still really don’t get the whole Siri thing and what exactly she does, but this was hilarious!
So hilarious – I haven’t succombed yet, and I too worry Siri might be more popular with my friends than me!
I also doubt if Siri would get my accent.
Don’t worry – I’ll still like you and be your friend 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote about this! A few weeks after getting my iPhone (and Siri), the crazy automated crosswalk sign was yelling,”WAIT!” and this nice stranger and I remarked that it reminded us of Siri. I told him about my kids’ shenanigans with Siri (they told her they hated her and she replied,”I respect YOU.”), and we both decided that Siri is SASSY. Thanks for making me laugh!
Oh that is so good! I want Siri so bad, but my contract isn’t up till next year. Maybe they will have the bugs worked out before then.
My #1 thing is I want her to call me “your Highness”. Siriously. (hehe)
#2, would be that my husband will never be able to ask where the “beach” is – he is hispanic and has a serious accent. “Beach” does not sound like that and I am afraid Siri might direct him to me.
All I can say is thank-you! That is the hardest I have laughed in a very long time! Oh, and please tell Suri that I said thank-you too!
That’s awesome. I want an iphone. Maybe if you go to the apple store they can reset your Siri. You know, lets pretend we just met.
hahahaha! so funny! Thanks..I needed a good laugh tonight!
When I got my new phone I was so excited by all the things I thought it would do. We were driving home and my daughter asked Siri “How do we get home?” Siri answered “I don’t know where you live. In fact, I don’t know anything about you!”
This all sounds wayyyyyyyy too complicated. I think I’ll stick to my old iPhone 🙂
Oh my goodness, you have me in hysterics! So stinkin’ funny. I even made my husband read it too because I can’t stop laughing!
The post was hilarious and the comments are hysterical!!!! I do not have the pleasure of owning an Iphone , but I swear I think y’all and your Siris need relationship counseling!! haha 🙂 Someone in Siilicon Valley is having a ball programming Siri to have a bit of sass…..I love love love it. Big Mama, you have to let us know how your relationship progresses with your new “friend.” 🙂
I laughed all day over this and then came back and reread this post. Still laughing. Thank you. I sent this to my husband and he laughed too! Please keep us updated with Siri. Maybe a video with Caroline and Siri? LOL!
This is hilarious and I am so jealous that you have Siri. I am hoping to have her in my life one day soon. I do believe she is an atheist though, my friend was asking her about Jesus and heaven, she had no answers. Hope your relationship with Siri turns around soon 🙂
This was such a great post. I agree with the others – you are hilarious and the comments were entertaining as well. The part that made me laugh the very hardest was the chili/jelly mix up. I so wish I could have seen P’s face when he got the message he was having jelly for dinner!!
You are a delight!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahaahhaa!!!!!
This was one of the funniest posts I have read in a while. I especially loved the part about how would you play words with friends without your phone! It has to be one of the most addicting games. I hope you and Siri are able to work things out.
My friend just told Siri – “I love you”. First she said, “You can’t”. Then when he said it again, she replied, “You are the wind beneath my wings.” Hilarious!
I don’t know Siri, never met her. However, something is amiss. My friend showed a picture on Facebook this AM of her funny conversation with Siri, and Siri called her “Princess”. Hmmm. Maybe she has PMS? 🙂
That is hysterical!!! I so needed that laugh at the end of a long week. Telling your phone thank you. Indeed! 🙂
Great. No wonder my Siri doesn’t get my North Texas accent. I got mine for Christmas and my husband kept talking to her in his “on air” voice. (He’s a local TV sportscaster and has his own accent)
Although, out of curiosity I did just try to thank her after asking what time it was and her response was “Your satisfaction is all the thanks I need” Wow…
Just asked Siri if she loved Jesus. Her first response was, “I’d rather not say, Jennifer”. So I asked her again. Her next response was “I have no opinion”. Then I said, “Jesus loves you Siri”…her response “I eschew theological disquisition.” I asked her “why” and she said, “My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon”
It’s big fun on a Friday night!
This was so funny. I’ve been there myself so I’m totally laughing with you! After one VERY frustrating exchange that involved a request to play a Natalie Grant Christmas song, I yelled at Siri that she really needed to work on understanding me better. Her response — “Noted” — cracked me up!
I just read this for the second time, this time out loud to my husband while we are both surfing the net in bed — still laughing! We’re wondering if you should get the Southern version of Siri — maybe that’d help you two get along better?…