Wow. All I can say is that while yesterday’s comments didn’t make me feel good about my future and the ability to get a good night’s sleep, they did manage to make me know that I’m not the only insomniac out there. My word, we’re in the midst of a no sleep epidemic.
I also wanted to let y’all know that I’ll be hosting some type of health-related giveaway once a week for the next several weeks and writing one post a week to journal my attempts at fitness. This really worked out because I am desperately trying to finish my book and there are some days that I have just used all my words.
Yes, P. That actually happens sometimes.
But today I need to talk about something else.
(Did I just hear the Hallelujah chorus?)
And this is a subject that falls squarely in the category of FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
My new iPhone.
It was sometime in mid-November that I realized my old phone was on its last legs. Mainly because anytime I’d turn it off it acted like it wasn’t going to turn on again. And this sent me into a panic because WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE A PHONE IN MY POSSESSION AT ALL TIMES? WHAT IF SOMEONE NEEDS ME AND CAN’T GET ME? OR WORSE, HOW WILL I PLAY WORDS WITH FRIENDS?
I mean that would be so 1995.
So I decided it was time to get a new phone. More specifically, it was time for me to have my own personal assistant in the form of Siri. Because I am very busy with the two or three things I have on my calendar each week and a social schedule that consists of going out one night every two months.
I skipped out of the Apple store with my new phone in hand and immediately asked Siri to text P on his cell and let him know I got my new phone. And she did it. I got a text from him a few minutes later that asked, “Is this you or Siri?” I told Siri to text “Siri”. And she did it. Then he asked if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty and I told Siri to text that they were dirty. Except she texted “They’re DARTY”.
Oh that Siri. Making fun of my accent and we’ve only known each other a few minutes.
But that should’ve been my first clue.
When I picked Caroline up from school that day she was thrilled to learn about Siri. I explained that you can ask Siri questions like “How is the weather?” and she’d answer. And so Caroline spent the next few hours SCREAMING things into my phone at poor Siri like “HOW DO MONKEYS WIPE THEIR BOTTOMS?” And Siri would say, “I don’t understand”.
Neither do I, Siri. Neither do I.
Siri did her best to answer Caroline. She’d pull up Google and search for “monkey’s bottoms” but everyone has their limit. Then I read that Siri gets used to the sounds and intonations of her owner’s voice over time and begins to understand requests better. And I lamented to Gulley that I was concerned Caroline had screwed up Siri forever with all that screaming and bizarre line of questioning because Siri and I seemed to have increasing difficulty communicating.
I’d ask questions that had been weighing on me such as, “Siri, why are the Kardashians famous?”
And she’d say, “I do not understand Kardashian.”
“Me either, Siri. What’s the deal?”
“I do not understand the deal.”
Then came the day when I said, “Siri, call Gulley on her cell.”
She responded, “I do not see a Deli in your listings.”
“NO, SIRI. CALL GULLEY CELL.”
“Okay. Calling P.F. Changs.”
What the actual heck?
P.F. Changs isn’t even a deli. And I wasn’t even trying to call a deli. I don’t even really like sandwiches.
Then one of my friends on Facebook posted a cute exchange she had with her Siri. She told Siri “Thank you” and Siri said, “No problem, Mary. It’s my pleasure.”
This caused me to develop a complex that maybe the problems between Siri and me were because I neglected to tell her thank you. Maybe other people’s Siris liked them better than mine liked me. Maybe Siri thought I was rude and ungrateful. And because I am neurotic I actually conveyed this concern to Gulley who said, “There are enough problems in the world without people worrying about telling their phone ‘Thank you’. That’s what’s wrong with the world. People are worried about making their phone feel appreciated.”
People like her best friend.
Because I tried to thank Siri the next time she texted something to P for me and she responded with “I don’t know THANK YOU”. And really she was lucky I thanked her in the first place because her spelling was atrocious and she only understood half my words and I had to call P and explain that we were having chili for dinner and not “jelly”.
And Gulley thought all of this was hilarious and loved to kid me about worrying that Caroline had been a bad influence on Siri and corrupted her from the very beginning or that Siri’s feelings were hurt because I didn’t appreciate her.
But on Christmas morning Gulley opened up a brand new iPhone of her own. She set the whole thing up, synced all her information and then, eager to try out Siri for herself, said, “Siri, call my mom”.
Siri replied, “I don’t know you and I don’t know your mom.”
Yes. That’s my point.
Maybe she should have said “Please”.