I didn’t really plan it but this has turned out to be a week of maintenance on myself. Which has really come just in time because I’ve begun to notice that I’m waking up in the morning looking like Jack Sparrow.
And when I say Jack Sparrow, I don’t mean in the dreamy Johnny Depp from 21 Jump Street kind of way. I mean like a hungover pirate with dreadlocks and permanent dark circles around my eyes. I’m not sure what is happening.
But, pending more research, I’m choosing to believe that the dark circles are from the lasting power of my new mascara and not from being forty years old.
On Monday I woke up to the cruel reality that is a school day after Daylight Savings Time when it’s still dark outside. I packed Caroline’s lunch, helped her get dressed and got her to school on time. Then I came home and drank a cup of coffee which hurt my tooth that had decided to become sensitive to hot and cold over the weekend.
Fortunately, I’d made an appointment with a new dentist for Monday morning at 9:00 in anticipation that my tooth wasn’t going to feel better. So I brushed and flossed because I wanted to make a good first impression and drove to the dentist.
They’d asked me to come in early to fill out new patient paperwork which doesn’t take too long when you don’t have dental insurance. And I came to a crossroads of conscience when I got to the part that asked me when I’d last had my teeth cleaned.
Do I admit that it had been at least three years? Maybe four? And that part of the reason I was at a new dentist was because I was too ashamed to go back to my old dentist and face up to my poor dental hygiene ways?
In my defense, I used to be a faithful twice a year girl. But the trauma from my adult orthodontia and getting four teeth pulled with questionable anesthesia left me scarred and a little reticent to let anyone near my mouth unless they were holding a bag of Oreos.
So I sat in that chair, weighing my options. And then I lied. I lied like a big lying liar. I put that it had been about a year since my last dental visit. Which is technically true if you round up by three years.
I’m just glad that I actually have started flossing every day so I didn’t have to lie twice. Because once? Acceptable. Twice? Probably straight to hell where you’ll spend eternity in a dentist’s chair.
The sweet dental hygienist came in and I told her about my tooth pain. She took x-rays and then called in the dentist for him to take a quick look. He said everything looked good from what he could see, but there was a possibility the tooth could be dying.
Well. That does not sound good.
I asked if we could replace it with a gold one to further my resemblance to Jack Sparrow. I don’t know why he didn’t answer me.
Anyway, the dental hygienist began to clean my teeth and I immediately realized that she either knew I lied about how long it had been since I’d been to the dentist or that I have some kind of condition that causes excessive plaque build up. It was a wonder that she could keep cleaning my teeth without the chair bursting into flames because I was a LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE.
But, to her credit, she just gently said that my next visit would be better if I came back after six months. And, to MY credit, I was cavity-free. Thus, my record of ONE CAVITY EVER still remains. I wish I could get a trophy. Or maybe a plaque. Get it? Plaque. It’s dental humor.
The sore tooth remains a mystery. It appeared alive and well on the x-rays and the roots are fine. He suggested that I might be clenching my teeth in my sleep. Which is the same diagnosis that many of y’all gave me FOR FREE in the comments. If only you knew how to clean my teeth I could save a fortune.
So he filed it down a little bit to try to readjust my bite and said to give it a week. I’ll keep you posted. It’s all so suspenseful. And possibly a new low that I just wrote over 700 words about my teeth.
Then yesterday I got my hair cut because my hair was out of control. I nearly took to Twitter with my internal bangs/no bangs dilemma, but decided I had no business getting bangs with hot weather on the horizon. That never works out for anyone. I need to have the option to get all my hair off my face and so I opted for long, side-swept shorter pieces that I can still pin back which will keep me from wanting to throw my hair brush at the mirror and cry about the unfairness of life and bad hair decisions.
And this morning I have my annual exam scheduled.
That’s all I’ll say about that.
Who knew being a pirate required so much maintenance?
I soooooooooooo love your writing..your humour..and your ability to CONNECT with whats true of a majority of us..I live in India and let it also be said that this is the FIRST ever time that I ve gotten on to leaving a comment..but U compelled me to with your writing:)
Good luck for your book…so waiting to BUY it:) Would love to have a response to this!:)
More dental humor:
What time is it when you go to the dentist?
2:30. TOOTH-HURTY! get it? I guess this is one for telling in person, yes?
I try to get my teeth cleaned when I am back in the States for a visit (I see from the above commenter that I am not the furthest away reader by a long shot, here in Zurich!) anyway, I typically try to fit it in amongst eating Mexican food and going to Target.
But since you are being honest with us, I’ll be honest with you: I haven’t gone in almost 3 years. (hangs head in shame). But I can’t bear starting with a new dentist, so I will do the walk of shame in a few months and go back and face the music, so to speak. You have inspired me to get it done. Thanks (I think).
Susan – you get yourself to the dentist. HaHa – haven’t had time to catch up on Blogs in weeks/months and here the first post I look at and see comments has your sweet face on it. Nothing like saying Hi on someone else’s Blog! Missing my Zuri ladies and will respond to your nice email soon! xoxo Susan O.
So, I have tooth sensitivity from time to time and MY dentist (who is the best dentist ever because he’s not stingy with the laughing gas when necessary) said that I was:
1) Using too hard of a toothbrush
2) Actually brushing the gum away from the bottom of my tooth, which exposed the roots and could easily cause sensitivity
He recommended using sensitive toothpaste (the over-the-counter kind) when I experienced sensitivity (though he offered me the opportunity to spend even more money at the pharmacy so I could get some RX toothpaste – which I turned down). He also recommended that I stop using a medium toothbrush and move to soft, but when I use a soft brush my teeth never feel clean. So that leaves me with using sensitive toothpaste when it bothers me and brushing away with my medium.
Oh yes, everyone has a tooth story, and we’re all so willing to share. 😉 Hope you get some relief soon!
Dental Hygienist checking in! Seriously, I was reading your post and getting mad at the dentist for not checking your bite and adjusting the occlusion….so glad to see he did it! And believe me, we KNOW that people lie, or just sincerely think it’s been less time than it really is.
Glad you had a good experience!
Only you could make a trip to the dentist hilarious! I had lots of jaw problems, unexplained, and the dentist filed my back teeth down just a little bit. And it helped! It worked and I have had no other problems. Hope it does for you too!
“I lied like a big lying liar.” And that’s why I love you. Not because you’re a big lying liar. Because you owned it.
The dark circles. At 42 I’d say mine have been hanging around for the past two plus years so, yea, FORTY! I’ve seen Jack Sparrow in the mornings as well and it ain’t pretty.
On dental visits and not having dental insurance–listen, if you’ll just gargle peroxide at least a few times a week after brushing you’ll have this down. Sure, it sounds less than appealing. But it works. And you won’t have to be a big lying liar anymore. The flossing does, too, says a woman addicted to flossing.
Here’s a nice phrase for after 40: receeding gums. Ugh! Caused by clenching my teeth, so in addition to having tooth sensitivity I also obsessively check my gums during the day to see how much farther they have gone. The forties are great, really, but not for the faint of heart:-)
When I was a kid, our family did not have dental insurance. And I’m the oldest of 5 kids. And my dad is a minister. So basically we were poor. I didn’t go to the dentist at all until I was 12. When he asked me when the last time I had been, I told him about a year. haha The plaque built up on the back of my teeth practically required a jack hammer. That poor dental hygienist. To be honest, I just didn’t want them to think my parents were bad people. They just couldn’t afford regular dentist appointments! And now I have braces at the age of 33 and millions of people have their hands in my mouth every month. So I feel I’ve paid my dues for being a lying liar who lies.
My dentist has told me at least two times now when I have gone in with the “sensitive tooth” complaint that I need to stop brushing my teeth so hard. The pain was gone within a few days. Try it, you might find that it’s true in your case also
Seriously? SOOOOO funny you are. (Don’t know why I typed that like Yoda, but you are…)
Just to make you feel better, a couple years ago I was having pain in one of my teeth and it turned out that I DID have a dead tooth. At age 22! Apprently it was caused from the dentist taking off my braces… I guess they were too rough and killed one of my teeth! So I can also relate to the traumatic orthodontia experience… Luckily dead teeth don’t fall out, they just hurt:) Because then there would really be a pirate situation… Also, just for the record, you have nothing to worry about in the aging department! You are gorgeous!
This post totally had me laughing out loud for the second time this morning. It’s quite possibly going to be a GREAT day!! I am absolutely “afeared” of the dentist. I think I was traumatized in my childhood because the second I got out of my parent’s house, I never darkened the doorstep of a dentist’s office. Until two years ago – when, horror of horrors, I had the same problem you did. Except my tooth has a tiny crack in it. And I didn’t lie on my form and flat out admitted all my dental sins the second I got in the chair and got the gas, which I unashamedly ask for at a routine cleaning. Trust me, they WANT me to have the gas!!
It amazes me that you can make even a trip to the dentist sound funny. I wouldn’t worry to much about keeping with the same dentist even if it has been a few years. Hopefully, they wouldn’t judge you too harshly.
Here’s another part of the tooth sensitivity issue: I know I clench my teeth at night, and I know I have brushed too hard in the past, but it also seems to be related to hormones. I’m 50 and “it has ceased to be with me after the manner of women”, but occasionally the hormones go loopy and I get arthritis pain in my hands and hips, and my teeth get sensitive. After a few days it goes away until the next hormonal upheaval. Happy aging!
Hey! Another option is sinuses. My aunt first had this in her 30s, and went to the dentist convinced it was a tooth…it wasn’t. I’ve had it before where it’s not a tooth but sinuses. So has my mom. I don’t know how your allergy season is shaping up down there but here in Nebraska we’ve already got a high count, so it’s possible you either are having allergy symptoms that you never knew you would have (again with the 40 Jack Sparrow thing, dark circles also are caused by allergies) or just a sinus issue. Take an allergy pill or sinus decongestant and see if it helps the tooth pain. If so, problem solved. If not, maybe see the dr to make sure it’s not sinus pain/blockage etc. (Something else for you to lie awake thinking about hahaha).
I was going to say the same thing. When oak season is fully upon us (hello, yellow pollen), my sinuses get totally out of whack. Inevitable, there is so much pressure that my teeth start to hurt. Maybe start taking some Zyrtec at night as a preventative?
I was going to say the same thing, too! That was the same thing my dentist told me about a sensitive tooth issue that I was having. Luckily, it doesn’t happen too often. My sinuses stay swollen (thanks, South Georgia weather), but when they are really bad (sinus infection on the way), I can often tell because my tooth with start feeling sensitive again.
I am pretty much housebound right now with a broken leg, and every morning you make me laugh out loud. It makes these weeks in a big old cast more palatable! Also — I can hardly wait for your book! Love ya, Big!
I’ve lied to the dentist, too… Instead of writing “3 years” I pick a year, like “2010.” At least in my mind it sounds better!
So I am sure I am putting my dentist’s kids through college and allowing her to drive a luxury car. And I go every six months.
I’ve done the dying tooth thing and it leads to a root canal, not as bad as it sounds in my opinion but not a walk in the park and a crown. Yes. Really. Did it twice last year. See above, college tuition and luxury car.
And agree with what Kim said about sinuses causing tooth pain. A good sinus OTC med can help. And the allergies, it’s going to be a long summer at this rate.
Good luck
I recently went back to the dentist after having not gone for like five years. I was not as fortunate as you and ended up needing a root canal, had a major anxiety attack, and well, let’s just not talk about it anymore.
Also, could you write a post about fun, possibly offbeat things to do with your kids in San Antonio? We are going to be spending a long weekend there over Easter and I’m trying to decide what we should do while we are there.
You are flat out hilarious! Your blogs is one of the first things I read in the day. It’s always good to start your day with a laugh.
I am a full 15 years ahead of you and trust me, you are no Jack Sparrow!
I’ve had trouble in recent months with random teeth suddenly becoming sensitive. The answer for me is to use Vodka as mouthwash. Really, it works–after a day or two, the sensitivity goes away. And if the need arises, I can swallow the vodka….
The title of your post alone made my day. 🙂
Oh my gosh! There really is no condemnation like one feels from the dentist!
I loathe all that comes with visiting the place! Butter-inner’s!
Laughed myself to tears. Maybe it was because I could relate. To the “lying” part at the dentist office. Soooo funny!!
My admission for the day: Johnny Depp is HOT as Jack Sparrow. I LOVE the way he looks! I know that probably sounds strange to you after the whole dark circles thing. Anywho, I have dark circles as well but have always had them. Unfortunately, they are hereditary in my case.
This post is right up there at the top as one of your very, very, very funniest!
I just read the comments and can’t believe no one commented with sympathy on your third line from the end. Hopefully your exam will be pain-free. I won’t go into the tears that came from my last one. I came home and went straight to bed, though 18 of my inlaws were coming for dinner and I needed to cook and clean. My husband arrived home after the relatives started arriving, so I couldn’t even properly explain it to him and get his sympathy.
If a tooth merits 700 words, how many does an annual exam merit?
You sound just like me! I went to a new dentist because my old one, who I had been seeing since I was in the 3rd grade, retired about 4 yrs ago. I hadn’t been to a dentist since. No cavities for me either! He said my gums looked good, too! I chalked it all up to my Braun electric toothbrush. 🙂
I haven’t been to the dentist for 10 years. I’m just so scared, and ashamed. And don’t know a dentist to go to anymore! (bunch of excuses) Truly ashamed because my husband of 15 months is a dental hygiene nut and goes to the dentist too often. He does not yet know that he is unequally dentally yoked with me. . . 🙁
I’m not sure how you can make routine maintenance sound hilarious, but you did. Thanks for brightening my day. 🙂
Love that your celebrity maintenance alarm is in the form of Jack Sparrow. Mine would be Kid Rock. When I throw on a baseball cap in the name of bad hair but end up looking like middle-aged rocker, it’s time to get those split ends some attention. And don’t start me on the eye circles.
My mid-20’s self didn’t dream of these possibilities.
I read your posts and I think,”Oh my goodness, this is my favorite one she has written!” and then I read the next and I think,”OH NO…THIS is the one that is the best!” You have done it again, my (pretend) friend…this one is good. Very good.
P.S. I love Johnny Depp. I’m not ashamed to admit that I did indeed think he was hot as a pirate.
P.P.S. The chair bursting in flames paragraph? Awesome.
The annual exam = hate. So sorry that is scheduled, but the bright side is that you will get it behind you. (sorry for the pun) If it makes you feel any better, I have been to the dentist about 4 times in my 40 years. I have great teeth/gums and am thankful that I don’t have to go often. Love the tip in the comments about gargling with peroxide. I have braces for the second time in life – what is it about turning 40 where the whole body starts shifting?
Oh my gosh, I love you. Probably because we definitely think alike – I would have avoided the old dentist out of shame too! Thanks for the laughs 🙂
Thanks for your bravery for admitting about your dental challenges. And don’t feel you are alone. I just went back a few months ago after 3 years too. Between not having time with two small kids and being mad at the lady in their billing dept. who got nasty with me because they made a mistake, I wasn’t sure if I was going back to my dentist. But they were awesome to me too and I remember why I liked that practice. And this from the person who has wanted to hyperventilate when I walk through the door because of a bad dental experience as a kid.
BTW, my dentist said that getting an electric toothbrush is the best thing you can do. They work the best. I plan on getting one soon. I’ve been using the battery powered and it works so much better.
I grind my teeth at night and got a night guard about 5-6 years ago. I had mine made by the dentist (that was an unpleasant experience). You can buy them over the counter. I feel so much better when I wear mine. Check Target and Wal Mart near the tooth brushes and you can find them.
I am not even going to read through the comments because I am SURE everyone is confessing to how long it’s been since their last cleaning and that makes the dental hygienist in me hurt… LOL. Sometimes I wonder how many of my new patients lie about how long it’s been since their last dental visit.
RDH here too! Though after 32 years, I’ve heard and seen it all. I’m just happy to make them feel better about it all. And they ALL lie(or are just confused…then they tell us our records must be “wrong” because they KNOW it’s been less time…LOL. Yeah, that’s right, it’s my chart that’s wrong, and the date on the xrays.)
There’s been a few times in my 41 years where I’ve had a sensitive tooth for unknown reasons… my dentist when it first happened suggested I use Sensodyne toothpaste for a few weeks, and sure as the world, it was all better after that! I keep it in my bathroom cabinet drawer now just in case. Maybe try it and see if you get some relief?
My teeth have recently become sensitive as well! Out of nowhere! My dentist recommened using Sensodyne as well and it really has worked! He also said that sometimes sinus infections or just sinus stuff can cause teeth pain. I find that when allergies are bad my teeth hurt more!
You make me smile!
Some people stay away from the dentist for three years, OTHER people (hint hint) stay away from the “annual exam” kind of doctor for three years. So I have no right to judge you. But it is really impressive that you didn’t have a cavity—yay you!
Do you have allergies? I sometimes get a random toothache when my allergies flare up…it has to do with the sinuses (that whole are is connected). Take some saudafed sinus (non drowsy) and see if it helps. A netti pot might help too. I’ve had several root canals and it isn’t a ‘slight’ pain or a twinge…it’s a ‘I want to die’ kind of pain. Good luck!
Oh boy, do I dare admit I work in an orthodontic office? LOL. I didn’t get to go to the dentist often when i was young. So I also had braces as an adult. Have had my share of joint pain & root canals (dead teeth) too!! The younguns today won’t have to deal with this stuff as much if they go to dentist & have teeth straightened (if necessary). Hope your tooth isn’t dying!!! Good luck on your annual.
You are so funny! I wish I knew you in person!
Don’t know if anyone else has suggested this but my dentist told me to get something called Sensodent (I think. I’m in bed and too lazy to get up and check the exact name but it’s made by Colgate.) It stops the pain from ??? eating cold or hot food? Or something. She said to brush my teeth with my regular toothpaste, then use the Sensodent. I do it everyday and no more pain. Better than having a tooth pulled ’cause it’s dead!
You are SO FUNNY! 🙂
If it helps at all – I had, what sounds like the same tooth sensitivity about a year ago, and my dentist chalked it up to having a virus. He seemed to be right because in a few weeks time it was gone. Since then my husband has had the same thing come and go as well. Hopefully nothing to worry about! 🙂
Is lying about teeth cleaning the same thing as lying about your weight? Because my husband tries to guess, but I just make up a number and go ahead and tell him I’m lying.
Love that you used the title of one of Jimmy’s best, really great & smile inducing. I, too, had adult orthodontia & also had the unfortunate anesthesia deficiency during tooth extraction, which left me extremely fearful of going back to any dentist. I’ll take my sweet children in for check-up & maintenance but this almost 40 year old booty has yet to sit in a dentist’s chair since the unfortunate event. I swear that tooth extraction was more painful than the natural childbirth I experienced with child number 1. I was a microsecond away from kicking the dentist & punching his assistant when my tooth finally popped out. I still shudder when remembering it!
I loved, loved, loved your post. Mostly because it’s nice to know someone else needs the laughing gas to get through a dental appointment. Me? The gas for a regular cleaning. i can’t stand the sound of the metal scratching along my teeth. I had a bad experience with a dentist and didn’t go for like six or so years (I’m rounding up from 8).
The only way she gets me in that chair is the promise of the gas. I pop in my iPod and go to my happy place. And then, when they turn off the gas I take REALLY DEEP BREATHS, hoping to stay in my happy place just a leetle bit longer.
I’m right there with you.