Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words to talk about what’s really going on. And really, it’s not that I don’t want to write about it or that I’m trying to keep it to myself, it’s just that it is harder to get out. It takes thought, which isn’t really true of posts that show pictures of Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out my desk drawer and found my Daytimer from last year. I opened it to the month of February and saw written on February 15th, “Meeting with Human Resources in Dallas”. Honestly, even though I know how it all turned out, seeing that date and those words made my stomach knot up in a little ball of anxiety. I had no idea the journey I was about to go on.
That day will always signify the day things began to change because, even though everything was resolved, I didn’t walk away from that experience the same person I was before it. Something shifted. And while I didn’t really adore my career as a drug rep, it’s not the kind of job you just walk away from. It’s good money, a free car, great benefits. For me it was security wrapped in golden handcuffs.
The next several months brought some big challenges. I became a big fan of picturing the worst case scenario and my mind just went crazy with fear. I had no idea, until we experienced some serious financial setbacks, how much security I found in what was in our savings account. However, by mid-December something clicked and I just let it go. I surrendered all my financial fears to God and truly began to trust Him and His provision. It was as if a hundred pound weight had been lifted.
And guess what? He’s provided.
But none of that is really the point. It’s just the background information.
Just about the time I really began to trust God with our financial situation, I started to have a health issue. I’m not going to go into great detail because Google Ads will pick up on it and who knows what will end up being advertised. As if it could get worse than the current ads for stomach bloating and constipation. And now that I’ve written those out, those Google Ads will never go away. My Google Ad fate is sealed.
Anyway, I started having an issue. Nothing serious, but not quite right either. I went to see a few different doctors and none of them really had any answers. Every test came back negative, but I knew something was going on.
By January, what started as a minor thing became huge in my mind. I worried constantly. I felt like I had a black cloud over me. I knew I was starting to feel other symptoms that signaled something more serious. I made the terrible mistake of going to WebMD and looking up my symptoms to self-diagnose.
Here’s a word of advice. Don’t go to WebMD to self-diagnose. You will always come up with a fatal option. It could be allergies or it could be HORRIBLE PLAGUE OF DEATH. Always. It’s like internet law.
So, on top of the fears about my health, I began to have other irrational fears. There was one Sunday in particular when P and Caroline left to go to the ranch and I just knew something bad was going to happen. It took everything in me not to call him and tell him to come home, but deep down I knew it was my mind raging out of control. I had to calm myself down, spend some time in prayer, and it all turned out okay. They went to the ranch, had a lovely day, and other than Caroline poking a hole in her Whataburger cup full of lemonade, everything was fine.
Finally one night, sitting on the couch next to P, I was gripped by the fear that something was really wrong with me. It was hard for me to even find the words to tell him what was going on. Honestly, I don’t think I even conveyed how truly worried I was, I just told him I was really concerned about my health and told him to pray for me.
The next morning I was sitting at the computer when he walked in from an appointment. He said, “I prayed for you this morning. I prayed that God would heal whatever it is in you that feels like anytime He is doing something really good in your life that it means something bad is going to happen.”
And with that statement, I began to cry. Because at that moment, P had just spoken an incredible truth into my life. I hadn’t even been aware that’s what I’d been doing, but I knew in an instant it was exactly what was going on. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Somewhere along the way I was tricked into believing that I don’t deserve the good. It’s not even that my life has been full of the bad. I have been abundantly blessed in so many ways, but there’s a part of me that always feels like I don’t deserve it or that it must mean something bad is going to happen eventually. I had even convinced myself that the whole reason I had this blog was so I could fight my horrific faux health battle on the internet.
It was a lie. It was all a lie.
God wants to give us good things. Actually, He wants to give us the BEST things, but it requires faith. And yes, bad things are going to happen because it’s an inevitable part of life, but when they happen we make the decision to walk through them with God or away from God. He doesn’t cause them. He’s not up there with some holy abacus keeping count of the good and the bad in everyone’s life and making sure it comes out even.
Here’s the amazing thing. That morning after P and I talked, my health issue disappeared. I’ve been perfectly fine ever since. It’s like it had a grip on me and once the truth was spoken it had no choice but to let go.
And that’s what this year has been about for me. Letting go. Of fear. Of insecurity. Of pride.
I’ve let it go and life will never look the same again.
It’s all about remembering God holds it all. And He is good.
Psalm 103: 2-5 “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”