It all started a few weeks ago.
My dad mentioned that he was in the market for some new jeans, which in his fashion world means that another decade has gone by. As hard as this is to imagine, he discovered that Gap no longer makes the same jeans he bought back in 1994.
They also don’t make rust colored velour jogging suits circa 1975 but, lucky for him, he still owns his original one.
Oh I kid because my dad still wears a gray t-shirt with “SURF, SAND, SUN” written in neon on the front that he purchased on our vacation to Bermuda. In 1990.
Now lest I lead the internet astray, he is very particular about his business wardrobe. In fact, when I was in college and needed more money to purchase essentials like Big Gulps, powdered Donettes, and Whataburger taquitos, he would always tell me he’d have to sell one of his suits. And I will tell y’all that one of those suits would have paid for A LOT of Whataburger taquitos
But not Donettes or Big Gulps because those are pricey.
The bottom line is he doesn’t believe throwing down coin for his casual wardrobe. Therefore it consists primarily of t-shirts he’s received for free from his company and, obviously, the “SURF, SAND, SUN” t-shirt.
Anyway, we discussed his need for new jeans over lunch one Sunday. He and Mimi had spent Saturday shopping, which means they went to two stores, Gap and Dillards. Neither of those establishments had a denim option he felt was appropriate for what he called the “mature man”.
All the denim washes looked dirty or they were cut too low. He said he tried on some Levis, but just couldn’t make a decision. He was in the midst of a jean quandary.
I have never felt closer to him than I did at that moment. I even offered to dedicate a fashion Friday to the dilemma of jeans for the “mature man”, who clearly represent the core of my reading audience. They are a silent majority.
A few days later our friend Benke came over for dinner. He fancies himself a kind of fashion conscious guy and has some really tricky shoes that prove he either goes bowling on a regular basis or is on the cutting edge of fashion. So I asked him to tell me his thoughts on the denim landscape for males. He had a lot of thoughts and opinions, but the problem is he doesn’t fall into the “mature man” demographic because he is twenty-seven, which is practically an embryo.
He said the current look for men’s jeans is a bootcut leg in a darker wash and that Seven Jeans and Rock & Republic make some great jeans for men. That’s where he lost me.
No way am I spending over $100.00 on a pair of jeans for P. The only person in this house who is allowed to spend an insane amount of money on jeans is me. The reasons for this are two-fold.
1. It is guaranteed that I will not come home with my pricey jeans stained with deer blood.
2. I will love them and cherish them as a mama bear loves her precious cubs. I will hang them to dry even if it means I have to live without them for two days as they complete the drying process.
I would detail all the horrid things I have seen P do to a pair of jeans over eleven years of marriage, but it’s just too painful. Denim shouldn’t have to suffer like that.
As for my dad, I think it goes without saying he isn’t going to drop a hundred dollars on jeans if he isn’t going to shell out $15.99 for a few new t-shirts.
Anyway, this past weekend my dad finally took the plunge and bought some Levis. I’m not sure what kind they are, but it’s a safe bet they are not low rise and don’t look dirty. I guarantee they will look fabulous with a “SURF, SAND, SUN” t-shirt.
All I can figure is my dad’s bravery in purchasing new jeans in this ever-changing denim world inspired P to decide he also needed new jeans. Or maybe it’s because all of his old jeans are stained with deer blood and landscape compost.
Whatever the reason, P made an unprecedented announcement on Monday afternoon that he was going to Old Navy to buy some new jeans. He has not shopped for himself since 1996. Well, unless you count buying new snake boots, and I don’t.
I have never been more concerned for him than in those moments when I knew he was in the Old Navy dressing room. Was he scared? Did he feel like he was all alone? Was he intimidated by all the dirty wash and the low rise? God speed, my denim warrior. Be strong.
Later that night he revealed the contents of his Old Navy bag. There were two pairs of jeans, exactly the same, except one was a kind of faded wash and the other was a color that can only be described as Papaw Blue. They were a shade of blue that made me think they might have an elastic waistband.
It was already bad and then he tried them on. I am not exaggerating when I say that our entire family, cousins included, would fit inside these jeans.
“Did you try those on?”
“Of course I tried them on.”
“Do you think they fit?”
“Well, the guy in the dressing room said they did.”
I think I’m going to need some clarification on the guy in the dressing room, because if it’s the same guy that’s always in the dressing room when I go to Old Navy, then he is not a credible source when it comes to jean fit. He wears his with the waistline somewhere around his knees, so in his mind he probably felt that the jeans P had on were close to being skintight.
Or he just figured anyone who would buy jeans in that particular color was one step away from shopping at Papaw’s Senior Shop and wasn’t as concerned about actual fit as much as just pure comfort.
And here’s why I love P, other than the fact that he cooked fajitas for dinner last night. While he had the jeans on he told me that I could take a picture of him in them and blog about it if I wanted to.
He was so speaking my love language by allowing me to mock the jeans on the internet.
But, alas, the batteries were dead in my camera.
Needless to say, the jeans are going back and I will search for another bargain-priced denim option for P. Who knew the world of men’s denim was so fraught with peril? A guy could head out to the mall and come home with these.
No wonder Dad only buys jeans once every decade. It’s a tricky proposition.