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Some pig

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Before I even get started with the real story I have for you today, I have to ask a question. What is happening here?

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Honestly, I don’t hate it. And Julia Roberts is as beautiful as ever. She could wear a burlap sack and be stunning. So my question isn’t so much about style as it is about function.

How does she have that white button-down shirt under that fitted strapless dress without any unseemly bulges or bumps? I can’t even tuck a white button-down into a pair of jeans without all manner of issues and I’m just trying to understand. Did they cut the shirt off and is it all just an illusion? Inquiring minds (specifically mine) want to know.

I remember learning years ago that the secret to a sleek tucked in shirt is to tuck it into your underwear first. Which I guess is fine except for the wedgie potential and also the fact that people will most likely see your underwear before the day is over. I’m perplexed.

In other news that you aren’t going to believe, I think I may be living out my very own version of E.B. White’s Charlotte Web.

I know. It’s very exciting.

It all started early Saturday afternoon. Actually, it all began at Christmas when Gulley and the boys gave Caroline an ant farm. We went online a few days later to order our supply of ants because the alternative was to find our own out in the yard or something and, let me just say, yeah right.

The confirmation email let us know that our ants would arrive in approximately 2-3 weeks depending on the weather in our area because it can’t be too hot or too cold or the ants might die in transport because apparently being in transit with the U.S. Postal System is harsher than living out in nature. And so it makes sense that our ants arrived this past Saturday afternoon after all the Polar Vortex brouhaha.

However, I found myself on the horns of a dilemma because the package said the ants needed to be placed in their new home IMMEDIATELY and Caroline was at the ranch for the day with P and I knew they wouldn’t be home until much later that night. And so the sole burden of placing the ants fell squarely on my shoulders.

(I later learned I could have waited and IMMEDIATELY didn’t so much mean IMMEDIATELY as it did just sometime in the next 12 or so hours. But it’s too late now.)

I carefully read all the instructions to make sure I did everything the way it was supposed to be done to ensure our ants safe arrival in their new home. The first step was to poke three holes in the gel farm which I guess helps them get started in their new environment. The second step was to place the test tube full of ants into the refrigerator for fifteen minutes so they’d be lethargic when I dumped them in and thus not as likely to try to escape from Alcatraz.

And so I finished folding some laundry and straightening up the house while the ants chilled in the fridge. I mean that literally.

After fifteen or maybe thirty minutes (I lost track of time. Get off my back.) I opened the top of the ant farm and dumped all the ants into their new home with fear and trembling. And, well, the scene was exactly what you’d expect. Ants everywhere. Ants milling and crawling and trying desperately to find a way to escape their new enclosure filled with gel.

I spent the rest of the afternoon checking on the ants’ progress and I was afraid I’d basically killed a bunch of ants because they weren’t doing much of anything. Maybe they were stunned. Or maybe it’s because they’d been in the fridge longer than necessary. In all fairness if someone put me in a tube, mailed me, stuck me in an igloo and then dumped me out on a beach somewhere, I’d be a little shellshocked too. It might take me a day or two to find the will or courage to make a sandcastle or to quit rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

But by the time Caroline got home later that night, the ants had begun to dig some tunnels. They’d piled their dead ant friends (I know. They didn’t all make it. Tragic.) in a corner and were working furiously in some type of assembly line formation.

Sunday morning we awoke to find they must have worked all night in an effort to make their new place feel like home.

However, it was what I saw yesterday morning that stopped me in my tracks.

This is the part where it gets like Charlotte’s Web in case you’re wondering when this whole drawn out story about some ants is going to come together.

Because the ants have clearly sent me a message.

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LIE.

I know. What does it all mean?

Do they think I’m lying? Are they lying? Is their whole life a lie now that they’ve been subjected to a life of hard labor on an ant farm? Did the people at Uncle Milton and the U.S. Postal Service tell them they were going to a place with green pastures to roam around and cows to milk while wearing jaunty straw hats and perhaps a tiny pair of overalls?

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I settled in on the couch to go through my email and saw this.

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Do you see that? Do you see that it says SALUTATIONS? That’s exactly how Charlotte greeted Wilbur. It was her fancy way of saying hello.

What are the odds that on the same morning the ants wrote LIE that I’d get an email sending salutations? And it’s not a real email. It’s a spam email from an unknown address and, I can’t say for sure, but I think the ants sent it. How else do you explain it?

All I know is if I wake up tomorrow to find the word RADIANT spelled out in the ant farm, I’m either throwing them away or taking them to the county fair.

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    • I’m really speechless as well. Because I am laughing to hard to breathe. Thank you Melanie, thank you so much for sharing this extraordinary event!

  2. Here I am, watching the news before I hit the hay and decided to check your blog. Ha! I thought the same thing about Julia’s gown too. Well I just got the creepy crawlies. Ants! Enough out here in the desert. Brave lady, I would’ve waited for the reinforcements with the ants. Thanks for the laughs, needed it more than the news. Kathleen in Az

    • oh Julia’s dress! my first thought was it was all super modest ala Michelle Duggar’s wedding dress episode. so odd.

  3. Hysterical about the ants!
    I truly wondered the same thing about Julia Roberts, basically like this: “Wow! She’s rocking that demure look and…. How? Did she just solve the whole strapless conundrum? If so, good for her and all womankind!”

  4. I’m wigging out a little about this. Charlotte’s Web is my number one favorite children’s novel and now I’m kind of against it. I’m creeped.

    Julia Roberts is gorgeous but I have to say that the dress looks, well, terrible. Like, drop the white button up and wear the strapless bit. Seriously?

  5. Love Julia and her dress. I am pretty sure it was a shirt illusion and the only part of the “shirt” is just the part you see. But I am no Rachel Zoe, so who knows…

    LOL. the ants. .

    • Someone said on GMA this morning (I think it was GMA) that the dress was designed just for her, so I’m thinking you’re right. The fake shirt is attached to the strapless and is just an illusion.

  6. Just to “up” the creepy factor a bit….I just remembered that Julia Roberts was the voice of Charlotte in the movie “Charlotte’s Web.” The ants are definitely trying to tell you something….

    • OK, it is so obvious, I have to say it since nobody else has. And isn’t it uncanny that Juia Roberts is such a RADIANT beauty??

      This THE funniest thing you have ever written! I was crying!!
      You absolutely delight me, Melanie!!

  7. I am crying I’m laughing so hard. Funniest thing you have ever written. I can’t stop laughing.

  11. My husband just walked in the room and asked if I was laughing or crying. I had to admit to both. Please keep us updated on further messages. That is hilarious and scary at the same time! Thanks for the laughs at 5:45 as I start my day!

  13. Well, I was laughing really hard and thinking that I just had to find this ant farm for my boys until um, NO WAY. I’m all kinds of freaked out. The piling their dead friends in a corner is somehow sweet and disturbing beyond measure. Thanks for the post = can’t wait to see what they have to say tomorrow!

  14. This is SO funny!! I LOVED reading about your Charlotte’s Web experience with the ants. You totally crack me up! Thanks for sharing your hilarious stories!!!

  16. I never laughed so hard!! Btw-Charlotte’s Web is one of my all time favorite books-so I have a deep appreciation for this post!

  17. The dress… I’m sure it’s an illusion. She would have to have some top secret stuff under that dress to pull off the perfect ‘white shirt tuck in’. It all has to be sewn together or something.

    The ants… I’m laughing about it but it’s that awkward laugh. You know the one. The laugh you do when you’re a little freaked out… Good luck with all that!! 🙂

  20. That ant farm doesn’t look a thing like the one I had as a youngster in the 70’s. Green gel? What happened to the little grains of sand-like pellets that used to be in them? It’s a new world we live in. Very, very funny post! Thank you!

  25. Both of my boys have had their ant farm experiences! I thought the ants were great! Definitely a conversation piece when they are placed on the mantle, instead of their rooms, because their dad wanted to watch them too! 🙂 One of my son’s even spent his own money to upgrade his farm and buy the LED light feature! Pretty cool indeed!

  28. Bwahahahahaha! I was enjoying your lighthearted post, scrolling down and reading, and when the picture came onto the screen my mouth dropped. And then the laughing…can’t stop!!! And all I can say for Julia Roberts is I’m thrilled she is aging beautifully and gracefully and hasn’t filled herself with Botox and all manner of plastic surgeries. And she looks better than the rest of those that do!

  30. I heard Julia’s dress was a “hybrid”. Now, I’m all for taking care of our one and only inhabitable planet (well, at least that we know of) and try really hard to be as green as I possibly can. But…I’m thinking not EVERYTHING needs to be recycled together.

  32. I’m not sure about this whole ant thing…but even my 10 year old son – who could have cared less about the Golden Globes – stopped in his tracks to comment on how awkward that dress was!

  34. This is hilarious!!! I’m going to be laughing all day and thinking “you sit on a throne of lies!” The ants know your secrets.

  35. So when they release the movie about how the ant farm took over your family home…should we tell them we saw it here first? I hope you properly thanked Gulley for the precious gift! lol

    ps. They just talked about Julia’s dress on GMA. Apparently. they designed it specifically for her. I loved her hair and make up, but wasn’t crazy about the dress. oh well!

  36. CRYING. Absolutely in tears at my desk. Those ants sure as heck were sending you a message! Also remember– Julia played the voice of Charlotte in the new “Charlotte’s Web.” It’s like this was all meant to just wrap up together in one of my favorite blog posts since “The Antelope of the Lord.”

  38. Ok, I just spit my coffee out on my computer, which is technically owned by the State of Texas, so I guess that’s ok. Love this post… BUT what about the fact that Julia Roberts was the voice of Charlotte in the 2006 remake of the film? Coincidence?

  40. Good morning, and Howdy from Big D! Cue the Twilight Zone theme please for all of that! You are a greater woman than me, because an ant farm will ever be a possibility in this house ! EWWWW! And that dress on Julia, I mean, come on she can wear anything, but, it wasn’t her normal Shazaam, you know? Have a great day! 🙂

  41. Hilarious! Please keep us posted on any other words from the ants!

    And all I could think of when looking at Julia’s dress is that she’s wearing a dickey! HA!

  42. So when they release the movie about how the ant farm took over your family home…should we tell them we saw it here first? I hope you properly thanked Gulley for the precious gift! lol

    ps. They just talked about Julia’s dress on GMA. Apparently. they designed it specifically for her. I loved her hair and make up, but wasn’t crazy about the dress. It seemed to 1992 for my taste.

    Happy Tuesday!

  43. Salutations, indeed!

    Wow, to the weird dress & the antsy obviously “educated” ants! You are in for a treat or so it appears.

  44. This post is why its been my ritual for the last four years for me to wake up, get coffee, and read your blog. You make me laugh- especially today.
    Two quick thoughts: the green glow around the word “lie”makes it seem very ominous. I’m a little frightened for you guys.
    Also- Julia’s ensemble made me wonder if perhaps she was set to go out in the strapless number but then a fashion mishap occurred (like what, I’m not sure… a pimple on her back maybe?). So then maybe her stylist pulled this look together to save the day. That’s the story I wrote in my head at least.

  47. Oh my gosh. That was the funniest thing ever. When I scrolled down and saw that illuminated ant farm with the message, I about lost it. Thanks for the laugh. Great way to start a day. 🙂 Good luck with those ants…..

    • I was just thinking… I hope the ants aren’t in the process of making the first letter into a D…

  50. That is creepy!!! I gave my son’s friend an ant farm his birthday several years ago and funny enough, I never followed up to see how all went. Maybe I didn’t want to know!!

    On another note, I saw an interview with Julia Roberts and she said the shirt was separate and not part of the dress. I don’t know how she kept it in and looking so well. I would have been a hot mess……..which is why I would never wear that!

  51. This MADE. MY. DAY. I love every single thing about it. I cannot wait to find out what other miracles they perform in the coming weeks!

  52. L.M.B.O.!!!!!! My first thought was that they were trying to spell out ‘DIE” but didn’t get the D finished….! have fun! Make sure you thank Gulley! 😉

  54. I have it on good authority (my fashionista daughter) that the dress Julia wore is called an “Oprah dress” because Ms. Winfrey frequently wears a shirt dress like that. Doesn’t make it attractive, though.

  55. You crack me up! I was laughing so hard reading this post. I loved Charlotte’s Web when I was a kid, I always wished something like this would happen to me! Keep us posted on any new messages. Love it!

  56. 1. I wasn’t a fan of the shirt/strapless dress duo. Maybe Julia has finally developed some back fat that she had to cover?

    2. I was reading your blog at work & started uncontrollably laughing at the “Charlotte’s Web” references. My co-workers now think I’m weird.

  59. I. AM. DYING. That is so hilarious. Seriously, you cannot make this stuff up! I loved every word of this post. I think maybe you got a bad batch of rebel ants.

  60. OH. MY. GOSH. I can’t stop laughing, I can’t even think of what to say except that I am laughing so hard, and I am at work. I am sure someone is wondering what the heck is going on with me right now!!!

  63. I just hope there’s not a rat somewhere bringing them ideas for words to spell. (!)

    Maybe the “lie” is… that there’s LED lighting underground?

  64. Ants. Whoa.

    Julia and the dress. I’m sure in one of the comments above someone else said this but I’m at work and don’t have time to read all those kind remarks. I saw in a fashion interview that the “shirt” was part of the dress. Not a shirt tucked in to a strapless dress. She wore it flawlessly! I loved it.

  66. Love, love, LOVE Charlotte’s Web! Greetings and salutations to you as well. By the way, have you guys ever listened Charlotte’s Web read by E.B. White? If not, I urge you to get it IMMEDIATELY and sit down together to listen. My husband and I both love it… and we’re in our 50’s and don’t even have kids.
    Good luck with your ants. I’m kind of hoping they DO write radiANT!

  67. Oh my goodness. I am smiling and laughing about this post….ant farm message compared to Charlotte’s Web..I have no words….glad the small animals do…

  68. Okay, this is the first time ever I have had to lay my ipad down due to crazy laughter! You deserve some kind of award for this one. I’m pretty jaded and feel like I’ve heard it all, but you just about made my stomach hurt over this!

  69. Not sure you want to know this, but we did the same green-glowing ant farm with boy #2. After about 3 weeks, the ants starting eating on the plastic top. As in, let-us-out-of-here-to-live-with-you-without-green-gel-separating-us. Seriously, they were eating their way OUT. Needless to say, those ants did go OUT – out the DOOR!

  70. I can’t believe I did this, and boy I hate to admit it, but when we got our ants I stuck them in the freezer. The result is just what you would imagine. I don’t know what I was thinking!

  71. I am not sure I could sleep with those ants in the house. Put the thing on ebay and get it out of your house, girl!!

    Also, perhaps this fabulous invention did not make its way down south, but I do recall owning white button down shirt that was kind of a “body suit” — does anyone know what I am talking about? Normal shirt up top, sort of baby onesie cotton (complete with snaps!) down below? I am wondering if that is Julia’s secret. Weird.

  72. My first reaction to Julia Roberts dress was….been there, saw that! As in, on tv before. Nothing new. I must have been trolling thru repeats of one of the Kardashian saga’s, and Kris K had on this EXACT SAME DESIGN dress, but in yellow. With the white tailered top part. It was a short dress, but exactly the same.

    I think it looks weird, maybe awful. So many other options out there, especially for the rich/famous and she wears this? yuck.

  73. okay, I literally have Coca-cola up in my nose over this post. Love it.
    But I am wondering what do the ants eat? Or do you feed them? Do they try to get out? Do you have to “chill” them again, to open a portal to put food in the container? And what did they do with their dead? Bury them? Or eat them?
    The gift that keeps giving. Thanks Gulley!

  76. Maybe it is just me on the Julia dress….I think she was trying to be Meryl……just sayin’

  77. I, too, laughed until I cried about the ants and then the email. You do know Melanie that you have readers that are very bright….now I admit I did not read all 83 comments before I had to write one, so I do not know if anyone else admitted to this before me…..or at least one. ME!!! I almost clicked on that spam that was sent to you with Salutations!!! ROFL. I caught myself just in time….it is just a challenge NOT to click on that blue garble

  78. All the time reader, rare commenter here. I seriously almost had to run to the loo after reading this. You are HYSTERICAL!!!! I love your writing!

  79. this could not make me more happy as we are reading charlotte’s web right now…i’m telling you, animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for 🙂

  80. I rarely comment but am a faithful reader. I’m just getting home from work and when I got to the green “lie” I died. That is the funniest thing I have seen in ages and I’m still laughing.
    Ant farms and I do not get along. Many moons ago a friend had one and the ants decided they had enough and escaped while I was sleeping over. Still can’t stand ants or any type of insect with multiple legs. UGH!
    Hope you don’t wake tomorrow to find another message!

  81. Love this post!! I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago and love it! Just have to say, creepy!! I don’t think those ants would have lasted another five minutes in my house. Although, I have to admit, I would be quite curious to see what they have to say next!

  83. Oh my gosh. I’m DYING. Hilarious!

    Also, for some reason, the whole Julia’s dress thing made me wonder if perhaps the white shirt/black dress combo is in fact a white dickey that somehow has long arms and is double sided taped to the black strapless dress? Either way, she looks fabulous. And if it is a dickey, we all know cousin Eddy would be REAL proud.

  84. ant farm pool –
    how many days until they start escaping?

    what will the next permutation of LIE be? DIE? BEE? LIPO?

    how many days until you have more dead than alive?
    * that was when we gifted ours to a friend with a boy scout

  85. I expect you can’t see this from your end so just have to share this. Your website currently features an ad for “Gene’s Johns Portable Toilet Rentals.” Just too funny.

    Totally creepy about the ants writing “Lie.”

  86. I love this post. I read it (& laughed out loud) earlier today, and I just came back to read it again. Still hilarious. Then I remembered the day you did the side bun video and saw the rat outside your window….Templeton!!!

  88. burst out laughing at the “message”….so funny. I googled the JR dress…it’s Dolce and the top is sewn into the main part of the dress…it’s supposed to be an illusion whatever. keep us posted on the ants…if you see “some pig” or better yet “some mama” , I’d call the news and take that ant farm to the rodeo!!! btw….does Gulley run these gift ideas past you first???? 🙂

  89. I am literally crying I am laughing so hard right now… And trying not to wake my husband. You’ve got quite an ant farm there!

  90. Maybe they wete trying to make a ‘D’……This wins, I have nearly wheezed myself to death! Thank you for brightening myday!