So yesterday I was too absorbed in my tale of Mother’s Day woe to comment on the astounding amount of fabulous beauty tips contained within the comments of Friday’s post.
Well done, internet. Well done.
Y’all provided a wealth of useful information.
And caused me to make an emergency trip to the HEB to purchase several beauty items that now seem to be paramount to my existence.
Because if there is anything that will cause me to drop some cash, it’s the allure of maintaining some sort of youthful glow which will enable me to pretend that I am not just one year away from attending my twentieth high school reunion.
(HERE’S WHERE THERE SHOULD BE A PHOTO OF MY HEB PURCHASES. OLIVE OIL, CASTOR OIL, SESAME OIL, A BODY BRUSH, AND SOME YOPLAIT LOW-FAT YOGURT. BUT THERE IS NO PICTURE BECAUSE WORDPRESS IS TRYING TO DRIVE ME SLOWLY INSANE. JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION.)
The Yoplait Low-Fat Yogurt wasn’t one of the beauty tips, but I did choose to buy the low-fat version as opposed to the fat-free version because after I wrote my post declaring my love for the Yoplait Fat-Free, someone let me know that the fat-free version contains aspartame and if I continue to eat it I will be dead in a year.
Aspartame = evil potion of death
Let’s just not discuss my love of Diet Coke.
Some things are non-negotiable.
So assuming that I’m going to live another day now that I’ve rid myself of excess aspartame, I’ve decided to embrace a few new additions to my beauty rituals.
1. Dry-brushing – Please note the new body brush that I purchased at HEB. (USE YOUR IMAGINATION) Hanlie was the first person to mention the dry-brushing and she had me at “helps with cellulite”. Sure it can help rid your body of toxins as well, but no one can see toxins when you’re wearing a swimsuit.
I emailed Hanlie and asked, “WHAT UP with the dry-brushing? Help me. I do not understand but I want to learn more about this potential miracle.”
She emailed me back with some more information and actually sent me this link to a post she wrote about dry-brushing.
I have now dry-brushed for two days. Can’t really say that I feel any different so far, other than the release of all the aspartame that was stored in my lymphatic system.
2. Castor oil and olive oil face cleansing – I thought castor oil was just something that they used in cartoons. I had no idea it had a real live purpose or that you can find it with all the laxatives in the pharmacy section of the store.
Picture me at HEB with a cart filled with Yoplait, olive oil, castor oil, sesame oil and the body brush. The cashier didn’t even look me in the eye. He probably thought I was in need of some serious help.
Jenni at Makeshift Mama was the one who suggested the oil cleaning method. Of course I emailed her because HELP! I need more information. How much oil? What kind of mixture? I want to learn, but I am slow. She graciously sent me some more information and the link to this post about it.
I did it for the first time last night which was risky because I am suffering from horrendous PMS that has turned my chin into a vicious battleground for control of my pores. It just seemed to have BAD IDEA written all over it. But I am a risk-taker by nature.
That is such a lie.
I hate risk. Risk makes me queasy.
It didn’t make it any easier when P followed me into the bathroom to see what I was doing. I told him it was a miracle cleansing solution for skin.
“Who told you about it?”
“Well, somebody I don’t know told me about it on the internet.”
Which made me seem totally credible and informed.
He then spent the rest of the night telling me that every time he got close to me he had a strange craving for Italian food.
He is a comedian.
But this risk paid off. I awoke yesterday morning to glowing skin.
And a craving for pasta.
3. Neutrogena Sesame Oil – I actually used this product a long time ago but always managed to make a huge, oily mess every time I used it. Now, thanks to the marvel that is the internet, someone let me know that I could put it in a spray bottle and mist myself with it when I get out of the shower.
Well, yes. That makes perfect sense.
Although my first moisturizing love will always be Hummingbird Farms Lavender Lotion. It’s divine.
4. I have always heard that you can use Preparation H to help with bags under your eyes, but Tammy left a comment that mentioned you can also use it to get rid of those creases in your face caused by a waning amount of collagen and the bedsheets.
I didn’t have the nerve to buy the Preparation H at the same time I bought all my other stuff because the cashier might have decided to call an ambulance due to what appeared to be some monumental gastrointestinal issues, but I’ll buy it next time so that Caroline will quit telling me she can see my brains on my forehead.
5. Lora Lynn and several other commenters talked about using Coconut Oil on their face. Apparently it’s not only edible and will make you smell like the Hawaiian Tropic model, but it’s also an effective anti-bacterial moisturizer.
I wasn’t sure where to buy Coconut Oil and thought I might have to make Caroline spend her summer grinding coconuts into oil to make Mama beautiful, but Quirky let me know that you can buy it at Walmart or any drugstore in the health and beauty aisle.
6. Jenn mentioned the importance of using a topical Vitamin C product to help with collagen production. Sign me up for some Vitamin C.
7. A bunch of y’all mentioned Aquaphor as the miracle cure for almost everything. I discovered Aquaphor when Caroline was a baby and had dry skin. I’ve been a fan ever since.
8. Last but not least, Sara emailed me to tell me about silicone primer. It’s a new product that you use after your moisturizer and before you put on foundation. It’s supposed to refine your pores and give you a flawless makeup finish. She is a fan of this primer that you can purchase at Sephora.
So I guess y’all know where I will be tomorrow.
Clearly, I am very impressionable.
And I’m thinking once I start slathering my face with silicone, is it really going to matter if I ingest a lot of aspartame? Haven’t I already crossed some kind of non-natural boundary line?
I’ll report back in a few weeks on all my new beauty regimens.
Hopefully I’ll have the skin of a newborn baby.
Well, if you covered newborn babies in all manner of oils and Preparation H.