I came home yesterday after I dropped Caroline off at school and spent the next few hours procrastinating. I knew what I had to do, but I wanted to live in denial just a little while longer.
So the first thing I did was let the dogs drag me around the neighborhood for about two miles while I tried to maintain some sort of dignity by pretending that I always run at a dead sprint down the street with my arms flailing wildly and screaming at my dogs to STOP! SLOW DOWN! I AM GOING TO SELL YOU TO THE NEXT PERSON WE PASS!
When the exercise portion of my morning was over, I decided to iron some clothes.
That’s right. I said iron.
I am the same person who got out the ironing board about three months ago causing Caroline to come up to me and ask, “Oh Mama! What is that?”
Oh honey, that’s just the devil in the form of a collapsible board covered in an ugly floral print.
I needed to iron because I purchased a few new shirts for P this week. He’s decided he’s a big fan of the short-sleeve button down shirt because he gets too hot in knit polo-type shirts. And if I had to sit next to him in a Mexican restaurant one more time and listen to him talk about how his knit shirt was SO HOT that he was going to have to take another shower by the time we got home, then one of us wouldn’t have survived.
So I bought him a few shirts to ensure that he wouldn’t spontaneously combust from the heat caused by his Gap knit polos.
I think he looks really good in the color blue so I looked for a blue shirt and found a great one on sale at Macy’s. As soon as I pulled it out of the bag to show him he said, “That looks just like my other blue short-sleeved shirt.”
“No it doesn’t. It’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT. They couldn’t be MORE DIFFERENT.”
“Okay. Whatever.”
Later that night, Caroline and I were watching T.V. and he came in to try on the shirts to make sure they fit. When he pulled the blue one out of the bag, Caroline said, “DADDY! THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR OTHER SHIRT!”
I think it was a set up.
Here are the shirts.
Clearly they could not be more different.
He felt the need to wash the new shirts immediately because that is what he does. He washes brand new, perfectly pressed clothes.
I do not understand this. Why would you wash an article of clothing that is brand new?
Truth be told if I had caught him in time I never would have let him put those shirts in the washer. I would have done what I’ve always done which is hang them up in his closet and pretend like I had taken them to the cleaners. He never would have known the difference.
But since I was too late and they were already clean, I felt the need to go ahead and just iron them. Because that is the kind of wife I am.
Plus, I knew I needed to iron a few of Caroline’s dresses because the last time I made her iron them she didn’t really get the wrinkles out. It’s like her heart wasn’t in it.
But at the core of my ironing frenzy, however, was my need to put off the inevitable.
I had to take an online defensive driving course.
Oh the horror.
I’ve put it off for months but it could wait no longer. Unless I wanted a warrant issued for my arrest.
So I spent four hours of my life, four hours I will never get back, trying to finish a defensive driving course before it was time to pick up Caroline from school.
The last time I took defensive driving I remember watching a piece of classic cinema entitled “Blood Runs Red on the Highway”. It was the feel good movie of the year. Yesterday I learned that it has been traded in for an even more upbeat version (if that’s possible) called “DEAD IN FIVE SECONDS”.
The Department of Transportation really has no sense of humor. Nor do they seem to realize that a film called “DEAD IN FIVE SECONDS” shouldn’t last for twenty minutes and fifty-eight seconds. It’s just bad marketing.
I’m sad to report that as of this moment I still haven’t finished my course. I have to complete two more exciting units on ROAD SIGNS and WHAT TO DO IF A HUGE ELK JUMPS IN FRONT OF YOUR VEHICLE.
I just can’t bear to finish right now.
So I’m off to iron another one of P’s new shirts. It’s a nice yellow linen shirt that I bought to go with a pair of his plaid shorts. Although he just informed me that he “muffin-topped those shorts” about three years ago.
This is why I love him.
In spite of the fact that he thinks knit polo shirts are too hot.