We’re like elves, but without the unfortunate shoes

Every year for the last eighteen years, Gulley and I pick one weekend in early December and declare it our “Christmas Shopping Weekend”.

Oh, we are clever with our unique terminology!

This year started like every other year, and by that I mean every other year since we’ve had kids. Back in our college days most of our time was spent looking for a cute outfit to wear New Year’s Eve and charging it to someone’s daddy’s Visa card. Shout out to the Guess boot shoes of 1992!

Now we start at Toys ‘R Us. Rumor has it that it’s where a kid can be a kid and, while that is all good and fine, it’s also a place where mothers have been known to instantaneously double up on their birth control pills. I can’t explain how loud and chaotic the store was on Friday night. There were kids crying and begging on every single aisle. Who on earth thinks it’s a good idea to take a kid to a toy store?

Gulley and I just stood next to our cart and gazed blankly at a huge wall of Star Wars toys. She asked me if I thought the DC-17 Skywalker Fighter Jet (probably not it’s real name because, PLEASE) was better than the Rebel Fighter blah, blah, blah and I was all like “Why are you speaking to me in a foreign language? No comprendo El Star Wars.”

About that time we realized that not only were we overwhelmed by all the kids being kids, but also by the fact that Toys ‘R Us was clearly charging upwards of $5.00 more than Target. So, we headed for greener pastures.

Once we were in Target things weren’t necessarily any easier. The prices were better, but we still had no clarity on whether the Rebel Forces are the good guys or if a Tinkerbell Stylin’ Head is better than an Island Princess Barbie Stylin’ Head or how Puppini stuffed animals manage to look trampy even though they’re just dogs.

The one thing I did know was that if Santa doesn’t show up at my house with a Diamond Castle Barbie Horse and Carriage it is going to be sad times. And Target was sold out, which is ironic considering that I’ve seen that dang Diamond Carriage every time I’ve been at Target for the last two months but refused to buy it early because I didn’t know where I’d hide it for the next two months since, guess what Barbie, not everyone lives in a castle.

We did manage to find several other things on our lists and decided we better find some shopping nourishment in the form of Italian food. Over dinner we discussed a variety of topics, including our thoughts on global economics and whether or not we agreed with People magazine’s declaration of Hugh Jackman as the sexiest man alive.

Saturday morning we got up bright and semi-early, stopped at Starbucks and then threw caution to the wind by making our way to Walmart.

And this is where I owe Walmart a huge apology because I have never been a fan. However, not only did Walmart have the dadgum Diamond Castle Carriage, it was also clean and orderly. No one is more surprised by this turn of events than me, but I found it to be a delightful shopping experience. In fact, it restored any Christmas cheer I’d lost the day before.

After a long day fueled by caffeine and sugar cookies, we stumbled through my back door and dropped all our packages in the middle of the living room.