Yesterday was one of those days that started off a little breezy and turned into full-fledged COLD by noon. Fortunately, it wasn’t my day to drive carpool so I managed to stay in my pajamas until around noon, at which time I threw on some clothes and headed to Walmart.
Yes, I said Walmart.
Back when I was a little girl, my Nanny and Big Bob had a lakehouse in the booming metropolis of Colmesneil, Texas, population 526. We’d spend weeks there in the summertime floating in the lake on various innertubes every day until we reached the point where no amount of sunscreen would protect our skin.
It was at this point that we’d all hop in Nanny’s Cadillac and head to the big city of Woodville, Texas. Why Woodville, you may ask?
Because it had a Walmart.
And not only did it have a Walmart, but it had a Walmart that sold the best corn dogs and fresh-squeezed lemonade in the whole world or at least in East Texas. Whatever.
At that point, my family lived in Houston and we’d never seen a Walmart. I realize that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I lived in the days before Walmart took over the world.
We’d go to Walmart and spend hours wandering the aisles, stocking up on important things like Snoopy Zebco fishing poles, new pajamas and a few coloring books and boxes of crayons. Then we’d stop for a corndog and lemonade on our way out.
I thought Walmart was the greatest store ever. Even better than Weiners, which is saying something because Weiners is where I bought my first red satin jacket with blues stripes down the sleeves (Yes. I said FIRST red satin jacket. There were others.) and also where I bought a pair of faux leather cowboy boots when I was in fourth grade and my life’s ambition was to ride the bull at Gilley’s. (What can I say? I watched a lot of “Urban Cowboy”.)
But at some point, Walmart lost me. The bloom was off the discount retailer rose.
However, as of late, Walmart has rekindled my love. There are several reasons for this:
1. Now that Target has moved, Walmart is much more convenient.
2. Target didn’t feel the need to stock any girls’ size 5 red long-sleeve shirts or turtlenecks this holiday season.
3. Walmart had fleece pajama bottoms on sale for FOUR DOLLARS. They really need a slogan like “We’re Rolling Back Prices” or something clever like that.
4. At some point Target began to feel that it was the new Nordstrom. They got a little arrogant and started charging upwards of $19.99 for their Mossimo goods.
5. Every time I’m at Walmart and I see their “George” brand of clothing it makes me think about John F. Kennedy, Jr. because he had that magazine named “George”. I realize these two things are totally unrelated but it’s how my mind works.
Plus, you know when the Kennedy family got tired of hanging out at their Hyannis Port compound, they loaded up in the car and headed to Walmart for a corn dog.
6. If you shoplift at Walmart, you’ll still get chased down by an overweight security guard in orthopedic shoes and an ill-fitting uniform, the way God intended shoplifters to get caught. Whereas if you shoplift at Target, they’ll send this after you.
It’s all so high-tech.
7. Walmart still has all those ghetto rides by the door which are where quarters go to die. Just the sight of them makes me feel all warm and nostalgic.
If Walmart and I had a song that best described our relationship over the previous twenty years, it would probably be Bonnie Raitt singing, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”.
Oh, but these days our song would be ($5.00 if you know what I’m going to say) “Reunited and It Feels So Good”. Because y’all know I love me some Peaches ‘N Herb.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still shop at Target because I do love to check out the Mossimo apparel.
I also still have a deep longing to see the Asset Protection Device in action.
Rumor has it that the security guard even wears a helmet.
And that alone is worth the seven extra minutes it takes to get to Target.