Words really can’t express the stress I experienced yesterday when I realized that on tap for evening television was not only a special two-hour episode of “24”, but also two glorious hours of “The Bachelor” finale followed by a one-hour “After the Rose” special.
For those of y’all who struggle with the math, that adds up to FIVE HOURS of quality T.V. viewing packed into one evening. It’s a burden I didn’t take lightly.
It’s times like these that I give thanks for the inventor of the DVR because no way could I entrust this kind of abundance of viewing riches to a VCR that was known to warp a tape and leave me wondering how various episodes of “E.R.” ended. Of course who knew then that I would still have the option of watching “E.R.” sixteen years later?
An option I decline, by the way. If there was ever a show that needed to be put out of its misery, then “E.R.” is it. Well, and “Caillou”. But that’s more about my misery.
So last night I knew P and I would watch “24” while it was actually on. It’s one of the few shows that we both enjoy, primarily because it’s one of the few shows he watches that isn’t called “Tracks Across Africa” or “Where the Wild Boar Grows”.
But here’s my problem with “24”. Every season there will come a point where they push the limit from believable to completely unbelievable and P will say a few words he probably shouldn’t, get up off the couch, and announce he’s done with “24” FOREVER. In fact, there was a point last night when I believe he actually said, “Jack Bauer is dead to me”.
Most of the time, by which I mean ALL OF THE TIME, I am not really aware of all the tactical and weaponry flaws committed that make the show so utterly unbelievable. The plot points that tend to stretch my imagination are usually things like the President’s wife stabbing him with a kiwi knife or the fact that I’m pretty sure I wear jeans in a bigger size than Keifer Sutherland so how can he be all that tough?
The bottom line is that due to some ludicrous plot lines that took place on last night’s episode, we have reached the point where we’re done with “24”. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure we’ve ever actually seen the end of any season. It’s just what we do.
Thankfully, after “24” was over last night, P flipped through the channels and happened to catch the end of Ted Nugent’s hunting show entitled “Spirit of the Wild” and was blessed to see Uncle Ted (as Ted Nugent calls himself because don’t we all call ourselves Uncle) playing the National Anthem at Texas Stadium. It was the only thing that could have restored his faith in the power of television.
In the meantime, I knew I had three hours of “Bachelor” viewing just waiting for me on the DVR, but there isn’t enough money or curiosity in the world to make me watch it while P was still awake. He’d just ruin it with all his mocking and eye-rolling. So I completely avoided email, Twitter and Facebook because I was afraid someone would spill the beans.
It was like a 45 minute media fast and I was beginning to feel a little faint.
Thankfully, P went to bed and I was able to watch the entire train wreck with the benefit of fast-forwarding through all the gratuitous walks down memory lane that are the hallmark of any “Bachelor” finale.
I believe my feelings about the finale are best summed up in a letter to the ABC network.
Dear ABC Network,
You are walking a very thin line, my friend. First, there was Sunday night’s episode of “Brothers and Sisters” that had been repeatedly touted as featuring a “SHOCKING DEATH!”. A character flat-lining for two seconds and then being revived doesn’t constitute a shocking death. If so, there would be a SHOCKING DEATH every week on “Grey’s Anatomy”. I feel completely betrayed.
And speaking of betrayed, now you give us this whole “Bachelor” debacle.
It’s as if television isn’t even real. If you can’t count on two people finding lasting love and commitment during a six-week period of time that includes trips to New Zealand, multiple hot tubs, and Goodyear blimp rides, then I don’t know what’s left to believe in.
P.S. “The Bachelor” is dead to me. For now.
P.S.P.S. Please let Melissa know she’s better off. She’d be wiping that Nancy boy’s tears for the rest of her life and sometimes you need a man to be the strong one. Maybe you could introduce her to Jack Bauer.
If you don’t watch T.V. and spend your time reading books and seeking actual knowledge, then I apologize for this entire post. It’s just that when you spend five hours (really just three hours because of the marvel that is the DVR) then it’s pretty much all you have to talk about.