Because I overanalyze everything

Remember last week when I mentioned that I’d been suffering from a touch of the insomnia? At least I think it was last week. It’s hard to remember because all the days with insufficient REM sleep tend to run together.

Well, the very next day, my friend Annie wrote a post about a new app she’d downloaded to her iPhone called Sleep Cycle.

Before I go on with this train of thought I feel like I need to add that, thanks to Annie and her video on folding sheets, I have learned how to properly fold a fitted sheet for the first time in my life. I’ve been doing it the wrong way (assuming the wrong way is to roll them up in a ball and cram them into the linen closet) for thirty-eight years.

(Yes, I have been folding sheets since birth. My parents were hardcore about chores. I also had to fill my own bottles with formula and wash my cloth diapers.)

Anyway, I immediately downloaded the Sleep Cycle app after I read Annie’s post because:

1. I’m a sucker for any kind of app.

2. I felt like I needed Apple to confirm that, YES, I am not sleeping at night because all the concealer I use to cover the dark circles under my eyes isn’t confirmation enough.

The thing is that I’ve always been a night person. My perfect schedule would be to go to bed around 2:00 a.m. and sleep until around 10.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’d sleep until noon.

Unfortunately, polite society discriminates against the night owl all in the name of being “productive” and “not sleeping your life away” and “getting your child to school on time”, so I’m forced to conform to the rest of the world.

Anyway, the point is that I downloaded the Sleep Cycle app and, sure enough, the next morning I went to check the little chart that shows my sleep pattern (or lack thereof) and all it said was DANG, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU.

So the next morning I went to Walgreens and perused the sleep aid aisle. I know I can sleep if I take a Tylenol PM (otherwise known as just a Benadryl with a fancy name) but it makes me feel a little groggy and edgy the next morning, like I might throw the toaster oven through the kitchen window if only I could muster the energy.

I needed something a little more natural and side-effect free so I finally settled on a supplement that contains melatonin, some natural herbs, and a lock of Rip Van Winkle’s hair. Here’s hoping it works because last night I was watching Chuck (I’m sad for you if you haven’t seen it. Hilarious.) and there was a scene where Chuck has this super secret spy pen that had some sort of tranquilizer in it. I swear when he used it to knock out the bad guy, I was actually a little envious and wished I could get someone to knock me out with a tranquilizer so I could sleep for one or nine days.

Too bad there’s not an app for that.