I’m so glad that y’all got as big of a kick as I did over my fab new blouse. But for the record, if y’all think I’m going to put that thing on and take a picture of myself in it and post it on the World Wide Web for God and whoever, or whomever, or whatever to see, then might I suggest that you lay off the alcohol.
Between the braces on my teeth and that blouse, it would really be more metallic sheen than anyone needs to see on one person.
I don’t want y’all to think the reason I never post any pictures of myself is because I am vain and not thrilled with how I look wearing braces because, honestly, the truth is, I am vain and not thrilled with how I look wearing braces.
So, don’t blame me for the lack of photos, blame my orthodontist.
And really, the two pictures I have posted of myself where I am looking down are really some of the best photos I have ever taken, because the camera?
She doesn’t love me, my friends.
And on a similar note relating to unphotogenic-ness (yes, it’s a word), I made a mistake about 3 weeks ago that I am just now ready to own up to. I’ve been suffering in silence because I didn’t want to admit that I made a mistake, and oh, what a mistake it was.
Did y’all see Reese Witherspoon at the Academy Awards or Golden Globes and she had done the revenge weight loss, look-fab-plan-to-get-back-at-your-man type thing? And she had that cute, long hair with those cute bangs and she just looked the best she’s looked in forever. I decided I needed to get myself some of those bangs.
It was a bad call.
I went to my hairdresser and showed him the picture of cutey-cute Reese Witherspoon and her precious bangs and asked him his thoughts. He said it would work for me (total lie), but perhaps we shouldn’t cut the bangs as thick as Reese’s, especially since I have a cowlick just off the center of my forehead.
And here’s the thing. Here’s the part where I just lost all sense.
I know I have a cowlick in the off center part of my forehead. It was the bane of my existence back in the days of teasing my bangs until they cried out for mercy and I silenced them by hosing them down with Flex Net Super Hold, but time and side swept long bangs had caused me to forget about angry cowlick with constant PMS. The bangs work for Reese, why shouldn’t they work for me?
Well, for starters, the cowlick. And to make matters worse, my hairdresser was delicately trimming my new bangs and I was waiting to behold my Reese-ness (except that I’m not blonde, my hair wouldn’t stay that straight if I ironed it, and I don’t have an adorable heart-shaped face) when he said, “Wow. It looks like your bangs have quite a bit of wave in them.”
Well that’s not good.
What he meant by “quite a bit of wave” was that my new bangs were pretty straight until right at the end where they do this weird, flip out, crease-type thing like, perhaps, they got caught in a door. I feel certain that the change in my hormones after pregnancy is responsible for this treachery.
To make the bangs work at all requires me to hold them flat against my head while I blow them dry and then, flatten them into oblivion with my straightening iron while cursing the day I ever saw Reese Witherspoon glide across the stage with her fancy bangs.
Needless to say, I am growing them out, and bobby pins and headbands have become my new best friends. And if y’all think there is anything more attractive than a woman in her mid-30’s with braces on her teeth and bobby pins holding back her bangs, well you just don’t know the half of it. I have even had mornings where I’ll throw on a baseball cap to just block the whole thing out, because there is nothing more frustrating than straight ironing your bangs until they sizzle, only to walk outside and have the humidity turn you into the girl with frizzy bangs that split just off center of her forehead due to a bad cowlick.
I totally blame Reese Witherspoon.
And my orthodontist.