Just for fun

Yesterday was one of those days that started off a little breezy and turned into full-fledged COLD by noon. Fortunately, it wasn’t my day to drive carpool so I managed to stay in my pajamas until around noon, at which time I threw on some clothes and headed to Walmart.

Yes, I said Walmart.

Back when I was a little girl, my Nanny and Big Bob had a lakehouse in the booming metropolis of Colmesneil, Texas, population 526. We’d spend weeks there in the summertime floating in the lake on various innertubes every day until we reached the point where no amount of sunscreen would protect our skin.

It was at this point that we’d all hop in Nanny’s Cadillac and head to the big city of Woodville, Texas. Why Woodville, you may ask?

Because it had a Walmart.

And not only did it have a Walmart, but it had a Walmart that sold the best corn dogs and fresh-squeezed lemonade in the whole world or at least in East Texas. Whatever.

At that point, my family lived in Houston and we’d never seen a Walmart. I realize that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I lived in the days before Walmart took over the world.

We’d go to Walmart and spend hours wandering the aisles, stocking up on important things like Snoopy Zebco fishing poles, new pajamas and a few coloring books and boxes of crayons. Then we’d stop for a corndog and lemonade on our way out.

I thought Walmart was the greatest store ever. Even better than Weiners, which is saying something because Weiners is where I bought my first red satin jacket with blues stripes down the sleeves (Yes. I said FIRST red satin jacket. There were others.) and also where I bought a pair of faux leather cowboy boots when I was in fourth grade and my life’s ambition was to ride the bull at Gilley’s. (What can I say? I watched a lot of “Urban Cowboy”.)

But at some point, Walmart lost me. The bloom was off the discount retailer rose.

However, as of late, Walmart has rekindled my love. There are several reasons for this:

1. Now that Target has moved, Walmart is much more convenient.

2. Target didn’t feel the need to stock any girls’ size 5 red long-sleeve shirts or turtlenecks this holiday season.

3. Walmart had fleece pajama bottoms on sale for FOUR DOLLARS. They really need a slogan like “We’re Rolling Back Prices” or something clever like that.

4. At some point Target began to feel that it was the new Nordstrom. They got a little arrogant and started charging upwards of $19.99 for their Mossimo goods.

5. Every time I’m at Walmart and I see their “George” brand of clothing it makes me think about John F. Kennedy, Jr. because he had that magazine named “George”. I realize these two things are totally unrelated but it’s how my mind works.

Plus, you know when the Kennedy family got tired of hanging out at their Hyannis Port compound, they loaded up in the car and headed to Walmart for a corn dog.

6. If you shoplift at Walmart, you’ll still get chased down by an overweight security guard in orthopedic shoes and an ill-fitting uniform, the way God intended shoplifters to get caught. Whereas if you shoplift at Target, they’ll send this after you.

It’s all so high-tech.

7. Walmart still has all those ghetto rides by the door which are where quarters go to die. Just the sight of them makes me feel all warm and nostalgic.

If Walmart and I had a song that best described our relationship over the previous twenty years, it would probably be Bonnie Raitt singing, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”.

Oh, but these days our song would be ($5.00 if you know what I’m going to say) “Reunited and It Feels So Good”. Because y’all know I love me some Peaches ‘N Herb.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still shop at Target because I do love to check out the Mossimo apparel.

I also still have a deep longing to see the Asset Protection Device in action.

Rumor has it that the security guard even wears a helmet.

And that alone is worth the seven extra minutes it takes to get to Target.

If you’re reading this post then it means I was having way too much fun in Houston to work on Fashion Friday. But, never fear, Fashion Friday will return next week.

When I came home and showed P the pictures of the Ken dolls last weekend (I like him to be informed and I know he is so grateful), he reminded me about this classic commercial.

Oh, Ken.

Between that shirt and hair, who can blame Barbie for moving on?

Every year for the last eighteen years, Gulley and I pick one weekend in early December and declare it our “Christmas Shopping Weekend”.

Oh, we are clever with our unique terminology!

This year started like every other year, and by that I mean every other year since we’ve had kids. Back in our college days most of our time was spent looking for a cute outfit to wear New Year’s Eve and charging it to someone’s daddy’s Visa card. Shout out to the Guess boot shoes of 1992!

Now we start at Toys ‘R Us. Rumor has it that it’s where a kid can be a kid and, while that is all good and fine, it’s also a place where mothers have been known to instantaneously double up on their birth control pills. I can’t explain how loud and chaotic the store was on Friday night. There were kids crying and begging on every single aisle. Who on earth thinks it’s a good idea to take a kid to a toy store?

Gulley and I just stood next to our cart and gazed blankly at a huge wall of Star Wars toys. She asked me if I thought the DC-17 Skywalker Fighter Jet (probably not it’s real name because, PLEASE) was better than the Rebel Fighter blah, blah, blah and I was all like “Why are you speaking to me in a foreign language? No comprendo El Star Wars.”

About that time we realized that not only were we overwhelmed by all the kids being kids, but also by the fact that Toys ‘R Us was clearly charging upwards of $5.00 more than Target. So, we headed for greener pastures.

Once we were in Target things weren’t necessarily any easier. The prices were better, but we still had no clarity on whether the Rebel Forces are the good guys or if a Tinkerbell Stylin’ Head is better than an Island Princess Barbie Stylin’ Head or how Puppini stuffed animals manage to look trampy even though they’re just dogs.

The one thing I did know was that if Santa doesn’t show up at my house with a Diamond Castle Barbie Horse and Carriage it is going to be sad times. And Target was sold out, which is ironic considering that I’ve seen that dang Diamond Carriage every time I’ve been at Target for the last two months but refused to buy it early because I didn’t know where I’d hide it for the next two months since, guess what Barbie, not everyone lives in a castle.

We did manage to find several other things on our lists and decided we better find some shopping nourishment in the form of Italian food. Over dinner we discussed a variety of topics, including our thoughts on global economics and whether or not we agreed with People magazine’s declaration of Hugh Jackman as the sexiest man alive.

Saturday morning we got up bright and semi-early, stopped at Starbucks and then threw caution to the wind by making our way to Walmart.

And this is where I owe Walmart a huge apology because I have never been a fan. However, not only did Walmart have the dadgum Diamond Castle Carriage, it was also clean and orderly. No one is more surprised by this turn of events than me, but I found it to be a delightful shopping experience. In fact, it restored any Christmas cheer I’d lost the day before.

After a long day fueled by caffeine and sugar cookies, we stumbled through my back door and dropped all our packages in the middle of the living room.

We made sure we had all the proper food groups at our disposal.

And we began the arduous task of wrapping everything we’d purchased.

Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, we were done.

So, basically, I’m ready for Christmas.

I only have one question.

When did Ken start wearing v-neck sweaters?

He and Barbie are never going to make it if he doesn’t lose the sweater.

And the kicky messenger bag.

I wasn’t always the Mexican food connoisseur I am today.

In fact, much of my childhood was spent dining at Casa Elena Restaurant in Houston where my sister and I both grew to believe that we were speaking Spanish when we said, “HOT PLATE! HOT PLATE!”

Honestly, I don’t remember if the food was any good or not, but I do vividly remember that it was where I experienced chips and salsa for the first time.

Another childhood favorite was The Monterey House. The women in my family would order the “Summer Special” which consisted of a scoop of guacamole, a round queso chip, and a crispy beef taco. All I cared about was the candy made out of brown sugar that was always buried in the chip basket.

Then, when I was in high school, I discovered Casa Ole. To this day I will order the Dinner El Paso, which is two cheese enchiladas covered in queso and is truly a culinary disaster on a microwaved plate. However, old habits and addictions to processed cheese die hard.

As will my arteries.

College was filled with midnight trips to Taco Bell or Taco Cabana depending on how much money I had left in my checking account. It was during this time that I discovered two things:

1. Taco Bell hot sauce will take the tarnish off a penny

2. My daddy had automatic overdraft protection on my checking account

Who says college doesn’t equip you for the world?

After graduation I moved to San Antonio. Honestly, I wasn’t that excited about it, in spite of the fact that it is the home of the best Mexican food in Texas. There are seriously over 800 Mexican restaurants in this city.

Thanks to San Antonio, I discovered there is more to a breakfast taco than the folks at Whataburger would have you believe. The Taquito is just a cheap imitation that really only tastes good at 3:00 a.m. after two or eight beers. (That’s actually a third thing I learned in college.)

After I moved here, there was an unfortunate period of time where I was employed as a door salesman.

True story. I sold doors. And cried a lot.

And wondered why I decided to major in Speech Communications.

The only thing that kept me going during that dark career day was when one of the other salesmen introduced me to the Taco Feo (Ugly Taco) from El Milagrito. The Taco Feo is refried beans, beef fajita meat, and scrambled eggs wrapped in a homemade flour tortilla. Add a little spicy green chile sauce and your life will never be the same again.

Colors will be brighter. The air will be crisper. Angels will sing.

Sure, you’ll have horrendous heartburn but you won’t care.

In the fourteen years I’ve lived here, I’ve discovered what I believe to be the best crispy tacos (Teka Molina) and the best puffy tacos (Patty’s Taco House).

By the way, a puffy taco is like a crispy taco on steroids. Think big puffy shell filled meat, cheese and lettuce.

However, it’s only been in the last year that I made the discovery of my life. The Taco Norteno.

A Taco Norteno, which I believe translates to “Taco of the North” or perhaps “Yankee Taco”, consists of beef asada (thinly sliced beef), refried beans, shredded cabbage (this is crucial, no lettuce allowed), serrano peppers, Monterey Jack cheese, and a slice of avocado all wrapped in a lightly fried corn tortilla.

Let’s give a handclap of thanksgiving for the corn tortilla.

And the Monterey Jack cheese.

And the serrano peppers.

My tastebuds will never be the same.

In fact, I may never be able to eat another Dinner El Paso, which will cause my arteries to rise up and call me blessed.