Just for fun

Covering your assets

I am a simple person at heart. A simple person with simple hopes and dreams.

And today, I will share one of those dreams with y’all.

This is what I saw when I walked in the doors of our new fancy Target yesterday.

It is my sincerest hope that when the time arrives for security to fire this bad boy up and chase down some stolen Mossimo goods that I am there to see it happen.
I love it. I totally love it.

Later today I am heading to the polls to cast my early vote since I will be in the Dominican Republic on Election Day. Gulley asked me yesterday if I was sad I was going to miss out on all the excitement of November 4th and I told her that not only am I not sad, but even if I were in the U.S. I would spend the day pretending like I had no access to the news. Wake me up when it’s over.

But I don’t want to talk politics. I want to discuss something much more important and controversial.

What are y’all watching on T.V. these days?

I’m going to make a BOLD statement and say that, by and large, I have found the new fall television schedule to be highly disappointing.

In fact if it weren’t for “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team” and “The Rachel Zoe Project” I might give up T.V. altogether.

Right. Like that would ever happen.

But seriously? “The Rachel Zoe Project” is the light in the midst of mediocre television. I am completely fascinated by the fact that she has built an empire by convincing a few celebrities to wear sunglasses that rival the size of any safety goggles I have ever worn. And I have worn many a safety goggle in my life.

I also love the way she says, “I am freaking out. I am totally freaking out” or “I love this dress. I absolutely love, love, love this dress. It makes me want to burst into tears” in a completely monotone voice. It fascinates me. It totally fascinates me. (Imagine me saying that in a monotone voice.)

As for “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders”, there is no horror movie that could instill fear in me like the water scale they used to measure their percentage of body fat versus their weight. One of the girls averaged 20% body fat and girlfriend looked like all she’d had in the last three days was a Tic-Tac.

That doesn’t bode well for those of us with PMS and houses filled with large bowls of M&M’s and iced sugar cookies.

And maybe I should be ashamed to admit that I am such a fan of reality television, but if loving it is wrong I don’t want to be right.

Honestly, there just aren’t many good shows on T.V. right now and scripted television is leaving a lot to be desired in my opinion. Give me some Bravo TV and a bag of Sour Patch Kids and get out of my way.

The only network show that I still consider a must-see is “The Office”. Oh, and “Chuck” and “Ugly Betty”. Other than that, I’m over it.

Of course that will totally change when “Friday Night Lights” returns to NBC in January. Seriously, the fact that I’m so excited about it may mean I need to pursue some sort of hobby.

So what are you watching these days? What am I missing?

I hope it’s nothing great or I will freak out. I will totally freak out.
Crazy hair and just plain crazy

Remember last week when I was sick?

Yeah. I’m still sick.

I thought I was getting better last Friday and then I came down with a raging sore throat on Saturday afternoon. It was the kind of sore throat that makes you want to pull your head off your body just so you can feel better. And also eat lots of ice cream.

By Sunday morning, I was a mere fraction of my normal self. As much as I loved Nashville, apparently it didn’t love me back. Unless it shows its love by making a person so ill that you come face to face with your own mortality.

I vowed that I would go see the doctor on Monday morning, but then I got really caught up with all the laying in my bed and doing nothing after I got Caroline off to school. It seemed like a lot of trouble just to be told, “You are allergic to ragweed. Go buy some Zyrtec.”

So I didn’t go to the doctor. I also didn’t go to the grocery store because, clearly, I was on the verge of death and couldn’t be expected to grocery shop in spite of our dire toilet paper shortage.

However, Tuesday found me facing the cruel reality of a field trip to the zoo with Caroline’s Kindergarten class. I don’t mean to be controversial, but I’m not really a fan of the zoo on even the best days. A large majority of the zoo property stinks, not to mention that the monkeys’ feet gross me out. It’s like seeing your old great uncle without his socks on.

Or maybe that’s just my family.

Anyway, I had promised Caroline that I would go to the zoo and I didn’t want to disappoint her in spite of my impending hospitalization for pneumonia and the fact that I couldn’t really talk above a whisper. So off we went to the zoo at 9:00 Tuesday morning on the big yellow school bus.

I’ll be honest. The school bus was really the highlight of the trip. In fact, when the school bus started off, all the Kindergartners screamed like they were on a roller coaster. I screamed too, but mainly because the bus brought back some painful memories from my freshman year in high school when a boy may or may not have convinced me to put a little bit of Skoal in my mouth while riding in the back of the bus.

It wasn’t one of my finer moments.

We actually had a great time at the zoo, but by the time it was over I knew it had pushed me that much closer to needing a lung transplant.

So yesterday morning, I finally headed to the doctor for an official diagnosis and good drugs.

When I arrived I had to fill out a form explaining why I was there, so I wrote “Husband says I can’t keep complaining about being sick if I won’t go to the doctor. Also, want heavy-duty cough medicine that will knock me flat out.”

I scored all the way around because I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and borderline bronchitis plus an ear infection. That’s the kind of diagnosis that will allow me to complain for days.

I also got a prescription for heavy-duty cough medicine that will make me forget I have a cough and a name. I’m going to save a little bit to take on election day or maybe just for the next debate.

But the best of all was that yesterday was Crazy Hair Day in Caroline’s class and I sent her to school looking like this.

And who can feel bad looking at that?

It’s the best medicine of all.
Live from the hotel room

Hey, you know what doesn’t go well together?

A head cold and an airplane flight.

I woke up yesterday morning and have never been more certain that a tiny elf with a sledgehammer had invaded my sinus cavity. So I resorted to desperate measures and took a Zyrtec-D even though I knew that that much pseudoephedrine would cause me to have insomnia and possible hallucinations for the next five days.

Gulley was going to take me to the airport and she showed up at the house as I finished packing my second suitcase. We had already planned to stop at Starbucks on the way to the airport and as we stood in line she took note of the manic look in my eye, my trembling hands and said, “Maybe you shouldn’t order any coffee.”

Oh, but did I heed that piece of advice?

No ma’am. I did not. Girlfriend wanted a non-fat Mocha.

And, thus, I spent the rest of the day completely jacked up.

Hopefully, it will wear off before tomorrow, but if someday you find yourself watching a Vicki Courtney Bible study and see some girl talking 180 miles an hour with a wild look in her eyes, you’ll know why.

The worst part is the plane ride still made me feel like my ears were about to cave in. Apparently, I pseudoephedrined in vain.

As I was getting off the plane, I met one of the other ladies who is going to be a part of the taping and all she had was a carry-on bag. I said, “Please tell me that you checked another bag because I checked two suitcases”.

Nope, she didn’t check a bag. All she brought was her carry-on.

I humbly bow to her packing skills and lack of OCD.

However, once I arrived at the hotel, all my sinus and OCD problems were forgotten because, oh my word, I adore this hotel. Look at my room.

It is a rare hotel that can provide adequately for all my pillow needs.

And check this out.

The elusive fitted bottom sheet.

I’d heard that it existed but had rarely seen it with my own eyes.

Mainly because they don’t have them at the Days Inn.

But, wait, there’s more.

A shower cap AND a grooming kit.

I don’t know why I don’t use a shower cap in my day to day life, but when I find them in hotel rooms I think they are a little gift straight from heaven.

As for the grooming kit, I was curious to see what type of grooming could be done with the contents of that small package. I mean, if all you need for good grooming is in that small box then why the heck have I been hauling around a huge toiletries bag all these years?

Two cottonballs and two Q-tips.

Well sure. If you’re the MacGyver of hygiene.

Anyway, we’re having a great time so far and I’m going to try to get some cool stuff up on the Allaccess blog during the day today. Rumor has it that there is even someone to work on our hair and makeup, which is fortunate since I took a calculated risk and didn’t pack my hot rollers.

Or my Q-tips.

Y’all have a great day.
And maybe she was talking about a rotisserie chicken

So I’m heading to Nashville later this morning to be a part of the DVD taping for Vicki Courtney’s Bible study called, “Five Conversations You Should Have with Your Daughter”.

I will be playing the star-making role of Bible study attendee, which will involve some nodding of my head and listening intently. Fingers crossed that I don’t screw it up or it will be the end of my career as Bible study attendee #2.

For the trip, I am taking an unprecedented TWO suitcases. This is mainly due to the email I got from the wardrobe person who asked that we bring five different outfits complete with all shoes and accessories.

Oh please. I bring five different outfits complete with accessories for an overnight visit. I’ve packed at least ten different wardrobe options including things I haven’t worn since 2002 but decided they might come in handy. By the time I actually get on the plane I may have even packed my denim vest from college because what if I need it for the first time since 1994?

Basically, this whole thing has jet-propelled my OCD to new levels, which has involved making several very concise, detailed lists that proved to be totally pointless as I just threw in everything from my closet that I’ve ever worn or thought about wearing.

Anyway, I spent most of the day yesterday trying to get ready for the trip. I realized we were completely out of bread, eggs, and York Peppermint Patties. Since these are the core requirements of our household I felt like I should go to the store to ensure that my people wouldn’t be living like savages while I’m gone.

While I made a quick trip through the HEB, I heard a familiar song start playing over the sound system and I started humming along before I even knew what song it was.

And then it hit me.

“Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer.

Seriously? “Hot Stuff” is now grocery store music? As if it were something by Air Supply?

All I know is that when “Hot Stuff” was first released I had no idea what Donna Summer meant when she said she was “looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening”, but I knew it was something racy because I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.

And by the time I knew what she probably meant, the song was banished to “K-Tel’s Greatest Hits of the 70’s” and I was busy listening to Color Me Badd.

Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about.

As I walked the aisles of HEB yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder if it would make Donna sad to know her classic anthem is now being played to housewives everywhere who hear the words “I’m looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening”, and it just serves as a reminder that they don’t know what they’re cooking for dinner tonight.
I don’t think this is what they mean when they say, “Drill now!”

Yesterday morning was the kind of day that made me want to walk out on the back porch and say “Hello Fall! Welcome back my old friend! You are delightful!”

After I got Caroline dressed and off to school, I took Scout and Bruiser for a long walk and didn’t even listen to my iPod because I just wanted to soak up all the nature and the fall-like temps.

Also, there have been reports of some shady characters loitering around our neighborhood (Canadian booty cleavage man possibly included) and P basically told me I’d be a fool if I went walking with my iPod because it limits my ability to sense an impending attack.

So I enjoyed all the nature as opposed to a diverse musical mix that includes Chris Tomlin and Justin Timberlake.

I returned home just as P was getting back from an appointment with the dentist. Last Christmas, P’s dentist informed him that he needed a titanium implant and a tooth carved out of diamonds to replace an antiquated crown that had broken loose more times than we could remember, including one incredibly romantic evening when we’d just started dating and the crown came out in his Milkdud.

To tell the truth, I’m not sure if the implant and new tooth are carved out of diamonds. It’s just an assumption based on the cost.

So about six months ago, P got the implant and yesterday was the day he finally got his new tooth.

When he walked in the back door, I asked how the new tooth felt and he said, “It’s a little sore, but I’m more worried about my finger.”

Well sure.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with your finger?”

Apparently after they put in the new tooth, P asked the nurse if he could see what the tooth looked like. She handed him a mirror and walked out of the room. After he looked at the new tooth, he attempted to set the mirror on a table next to the dentist’s chair but the mirror slipped and he tried to grab it. As he grabbed it, his middle finger landed right on the dentist’s drill which drilled far enough into his finger that the drill became stuck.

It was a million to one shot.

The dentist was able to pull the drill out of his finger, but needless to say the finger did not escape without some injury.

Anyway, last night we were sitting around and P mentioned that I was probably going to need a new pair of comfortable boots for my trip to the Dominican Republic.

I got so excited because how often does your husband mention that you might need a new pair of boots?

So I showed him this pair that I’ve had my eye on for the last year or so.

Evidently they aren’t exactly what he had in mind.

He seems to think I’m going to need more of a practical, hiking, outdoorsy type of boot.

But what does he know? He drilled his own finger yesterday.

Just in case he’s right, I thought I’d ask for some help. Do y’all have any suggestions for comfortable, practical shoes that would work for the trip?

Preferably something not too hideous?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as well as any other useful hints for traveling to a third world country.

Muchas gracias, peeps.