Just for fun

Jamie and Trevor have three boys ages six, five and three. When she got home on Sunday she told them about being mistaken for Obi Wan Kenobi and her status in the household was instantly elevated.

Especially when they realized she was going to let them have the coveted Obi Wan Kenobi coverup.

What she lost in a coverup, the boys have gained in a future Halloween costume.

Y’all may remember that a few weeks ago Gulley and I took the kids to Bryan for an Aggie baseball game.

And we had a good time.

The end.

But something else happened on that trip that has changed my life over the last month or so. Gulley’s mama gave her a copy of a book called “Eat This, Not That”.

And because I yearn for knowledge, I picked up the book and read it cover to cover over the next 24 hours.

Which isn’t necessarily a huge accomplishment. It’s not like that time I read “War and Peace” all in one sitting.

By the way, this isn’t a paid endorsement. Although I will totally accept cash money if someone wants to pony up some coin.

The book lists most restaurants and tells you the worst things and the best things on their menus. It also lists the top twenty least healthy restaurant foods and gives a nutritional rundown of things you normally buy at the grocery store.

It is a veritable fount of useful information.

You know what the number one least healthy restaurant menu item is?

Outback Steakhouse Cheese Fries.

Wow. I did not see that coming.

It said that an order of Outback Cheese Fries contains more calories and fat grams than a person should consume in about three days or possibly three years. And if you dip them in ranch dressing you will need a Shop Vac for your arteries.

Back when I was a recent college graduate, with a lucrative job in financial sales that paid $9500 + commission A YEAR, some of my co-workers and I found out about the grand opening of a new Outback Steakhouse. They were serving free appetizers for two hours.

After months of living on cups of Ramen noodles and a pack of Oreos, those cheese fries were the best thing I had ever tasted and, according to the book, I ate enough that evening to provide me with all the calories and fat I will need for the rest of my life.

In my quest for nutritional knowledge, I also discovered that the worst menu item at McDonalds is the Premium Chicken Selects. Which I had almost ordered just the day before because it sounded healthier than the McRib. I don’t know what stopped me but I went with the burger instead.

If I had ordered the Premium Chicken and then read that book, I would have driven to the McDonalds in Bastrop, TX and burned it to the ground. And there isn’t a jury in the world who would have convicted me.

Marketing folks are playing it fast and loose with the words Premium, Select, and Chicken.

Next thing you know I’m going to find out that drinking two McDonald’s chocolate milkshakes in one sitting isn’t healthy. But how else am I supposed to get my calcium and ensure that I won’t go the way of Sally Field on a Boniva commercial?

I’ll tell you.

The biggest piece of life-changing information I read in “Eat This, Not That” was a little section about all the benefits of eating low-fat yogurt. Turns out it not only has calcium, but bacteria that keeps your digestive track humming along like the Little Engine Who Could.

What really sold me, however, is that studies have shown that people who eat three servings of low-fat yogurt a day have an easier time keeping weight off their stomach area.

Because it’s not about how I feel, it’s how I look.

No one is looking at your bone density in a swimsuit.

Wow. She appears to have a really healthy spine.

The only problem is that I have never been a fan of the low-fat yogurt. I think in the past it has always been that whole fruit on the bottom thing that kind of grossed me out.

But upon my return home I canvassed the HEB dairy section for the perfect yogurt.

Cue drumroll.

Strawberry-Banana Yoplait Fat-Free Yogurt.

It is heaven in a little plastic cup and I am addicted to it. There are very few things I’ll make a special trip to the HEB for (Q-tips, Honey Barbecue Fritos, York Peppermint Patties, and toilet paper) but the Yoplait is now on the short list. If I look in the refrigerator and see that I’m down to three or four of them, I start to get the shakes.

Oh Yoplait. How did I live without you so long?

I realize I’m a little late to the yogurt party. I mean yogurt really peaked back in the mid-80’s with the Jane Fonda Workout on VHS and legwarmers, but at that time I still had a metabolism that allowed me to eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos washed down with a Coke and four Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for a mid-afternoon snack. I had no need for the yogurt.

And truth be told, I haven’t really seen any difference in the circumference of my stomach area. Which may make sense considering that when you factor in the amount of yogurt I now consume each day I have added 300 calories to my daily caloric intake.

But I can’t quit now. It’s just so good.

There is nothing more refreshing at the end of a good Jazzercise workout. I like to eat it while I take off my legwarmers and cool down.

Look what came in the mail today.

If my marriage could be summed up in a picture, then this would be the one.

And yes, that is a magazine called “Cheaper Than Dirt!”.

It bet it shares a lot of crossover subscribers with “Vogue”.

Except “Vogue” doesn’t use an exclamation point in its title.

But that’s really the only difference.

I just finished watching American Idol.

I AM SHOCKED THAT SOMETHING I READ ON THE INTERNET TURNED OUT TO NOT BE TRUE.

SHOCKED.

Of course maybe Jason read my post and decided to go with “Forever in Blue Jeans”.

Or maybe Paula was the one who posted the information I read yesterday because clearly she has no idea what she’s talking about the majority of the time.

Needless to say, y’all are probably no longer interested in the name of the website where I found my information.

Yesterday my day started at 7 a.m. when I woke up to find Caroline staring right at me asking me to tell her the story of the time I was a little girl and got stung by a wasp. That’s really all there is to the story, but ever since I told it to her about a week ago she has begged me to tell it over and over again. She is obsessed with my lame wasp story.

And honestly, if I had known I’d be asked to tell it so many times I would have exaggerated some details for dramatic effect.

Anyway, I gave her a very groggy rendition of the wasp story and then she asked me to tell her another story about when I was a little girl. So I told her about the time when I was a little girl and I’d ride my bike all the time.

“Is that it?”

Sadly, yes. That is it. Mama does not function well before 9 a.m. and that’s the best I’ve got.

And that pretty much sums up the rest of my day, which is why this post is just a list of random information.

1. I would like to assure all of y’all that Barbie Island Princess was not harmed in the making of the float. Yes, she has a little glue residue on her backside, but that’s not any worse than any former Miss USA contestant.

How do you think those swimsuit bottoms stay perfectly in place? A miracle?

It’s a miracle alright. A little miracle called spray-on glue.

Barbie has been returned to her rightful place in a plastic pink bin in the playroom. Her fifteen minutes of parade float fame are up.

2. Speaking of fifteen minutes of fame, I am so excited about American Idol tonight. It’s the American Idol that I’ve been waiting for all season.

Why? Why all the anticipation?

Two words.

NEIL DIAMOND.

He sings a little song called “Sweet Caroline”. Ever heard of it?

Last week I told Gulley that I would actually call in and vote for whoever sings “Sweet Caroline” and maybe even whoever sings “Forever in Blue Jeans”.

God has smiled on me because Jason Castro is singing “Sweet Caroline”. So I can vote for the Aggie and the song that has meant so much to me over the years.

Sadly, no one is singing “Forever in Blue Jeans”.

I do not understand this.

If I am ever given the chance to get up on stage and sing, “Forever in Blue Jeans” would be on the short list of songs I’d perform. Along with Amy Grant’s “Open Arms” because I sang it as a duet in 8th grade and totally brought the audience in the school cafeteria to its knees.

Or maybe just my parents told me I did a good job.

Same thing.

3. Gulley and I had a great guy friend in college named Trevor. One night he was over at our house kind of late and we made a convenience store run for groceries courtesy of my daddy’s Chevron card. I don’t remember everything we bought but I do remember that one item was an excessively large bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos.

I must have been scarfing them down in a very delicate manner because all of a sudden Trevor said, “Hey Mel, why don’t you give those Doritos a fighting chance?”

I bring this up because I am currently suffering from some serious hormonal imbalance that’s causing me to not give the bowl of M&M’s sitting next to me a fighting chance.

And, by the way, Trevor ended up marrying one of our very best friends. That has nothing to do with this story but it has provided my life with some nice symmetry.

Y’all have a good day.

Oh! I thought of one more thing. This week Fashion Friday is going to be about swimsuits.

Get fired up.