Just for fun

Many of y’all have requested that I post a picture of myself and my new bangs. This is problematic for several reasons.

1. I haven’t washed my hair since Saturday.
2. I haven’t put on makeup in the last 36 hours.
3. My eyebrows need to be plucked.
4. I’m in the midst of a hormonal breakout.

And if you think I’m going to take a picture of myself with those four elements in play then, Hi. My name is Melanie. This is my blog. You must be new here. Welcome.

I realize I have recently posted all manner of horrendous 80’s pictures complete with bangs that defied all levels of gravity and hair that had been doused in enough perm solution to fry it for decades to come, however, recent pictures are a whole other story. I don’t like pictures of myself, which is part of the reason I had a child so that I have someone else to take pictures of. Therefore, before I can take a picture of myself with bangs, I must have as many things working in my favor as possible.

Right now I’m not sure if I’ll be putting on makeup tomorrow, but if I do, I’ll take a picture of the bangs. It’s a lot of pressure for the bangs. Like a coming out party. I’d hate for them to not be on their best behavior.

In other news, I cannot quit eating. I know that I’ve said before that I’ve made an entire bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough to eat for dinner, but this is different.

I knew I was in trouble last night when I was washing my face and thinking about how good a Swiss Cake Roll would taste. That Little Debbie can make a mean snack cake. I can’t even remember the last time I had a Swiss Cake Roll, but I’m betting that sometime in college is a good guess.

I’m also betting that Swiss Cake Rolls are not comprised of any substances found in nature. Well, except for maybe the cream filling because that’s dairy. Dairy that has been whipped into a sugar-filled frenzy of fat and synthetic oil products.

Then, last night while I was on the computer, I started thinking about Morton’s Donuts. Remember the little frozen donuts heavy laden with sugar that came in a brown box? And you could heat them in the oven (because what is this thing called a microwave?) for about 8-10 minutes? And remember that Morton’s also made a honeybun that was essentially Satan’s way of keeping a person enslaved in gluttony?

In fact, my little sister loved those Morton’s Honeybuns with such fervor that she would scream and cry because she couldn’t eat them frozen right out of the packaging. So strong was her addiction that she found it nearly impossible to wait 10 minutes for it to heat up. Of course she was only 2 1/2, so she screamed and cried over a lot of things, but Morton’s Honeybuns were at the top of the list.

But woe to our world. Morton’s frozen baked goods no longer exist.

And last night, I would have paid ONE MILLION American dollars for one of those little donuts. If I had one million American dollars.

Sadly, while I am in this season of wanting to eat nothing but foods that are non-organic and totally processed with additives and preservatives, I had to go grocery shopping. If I had walked away from my cart and someone had looked through its contents, they would have thought it belonged to some college boy shopping for his fraternity house. Except that it didn’t contain multiple cases of Bud Light or even a pony keg.

Let’s take a look at a few things I purchased.

Delightful, nacho cheese goodness.

When I was in high school, I used to put melted Cheez Whiz on top of the Nacho Cheese Doritos for a light, healthy after school snack. Fortunately for my arteries and my hips I refrained from doing that today, but the fact that the memory came to mind means I thought about it.

Technically, I bought these because Caroline wanted them. And I only ate two or five when she insisted we open them in HEB.

Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

And last, but not least. The Ding Dong.

The sad part is for some reason I felt like it was a moral victory to buy the Ding Dongs instead of the Swiss Cake Rolls. I’m not sure how that seemed to make complete sense in Aisle 2 at HEB, but it did. Like Robert Frost wrote, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one wrapped in individual pieces of foil”.

Except what neither Robert Frost or I knew was that apparently Ding Dongs have gone P.C. and are no longer wrapped in foil. Which, honestly, kind of took away from the whole experience.

Not to mention the taste of synthetic chocolate in my mouth.

Sadly, it wasn’t enough to make me lose my appetite. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if anything will.

Maybe some Doritos covered in Cheez Whiz.

Happy Valentines Day to the internet. I hope you all have a day filled with heart-shaped boxes full of chocolate with mysterious centers.

I thought long and hard for about five minutes about what I’d write about today. I mean, after all, it is the high and holy day for the Hallmark corporation and I felt like I needed to give it the proper respect. I finally decided to present my list of the Best and Worst love songs ever.

But then, the more I thought about it, I decided that list would be entirely too complicated. Obviously the list of the best would include classics like “Crazy” by Patsy Cline and “At Last” by Etta James and “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” by Meatloaf.

It just didn’t seem fair to poor Sergio Mendes who was destined to end up on my Worst List with “Never Gonna Let You Go”.

What to do? What to do?

I hereby present my list of songs that were extremely meaningful to me during my teen years, otherwise known as The Time I Cried in My Bedroom and Lip-Synched Dramatically in Front of the Mirror for Seven Years.

And remember, this is back when I looked like this.

And this.

There were days when the only thing that got me through was the Chicago 17 Album. God bless you, Peter Cetera and David Foster.

Here is my list.

1. “You’re the Inspiration” by Chicago

I didn’t actually have a boyfriend who was my inspiration when this song came out. However, my best friend Tracy and her boyfriend Wade had been going together for like two whole weeks and this was their song.

I could only hope to find that kind of true love for myself.

2. “Open Arms” by Journey

It wouldn’t be fair to my fifth grade crush, Phillip, if I left this song off the list. There were so many Friday nights at The Magic Skate when they would play this song and I would giggle with my friends about how cute he was with that comb sticking out of his back pocket.

But, like the song says, “we drifted apart”, mainly due to the fact that we ended up attending different junior highs.

3. “All Out of Love” by Air Supply

If you didn’t love you some Air Supply in the 80’s, then I don’t know if we can be friends. Why can’t I quit you, Air Supply?

4. “Keep on Loving You” by Reo Speedwagon

I kept my mama’s cassette player next to the radio at all times so that any time this song came on, I could instantly press record and play. And maybe, just maybe, this would be the time I’d get the entire song without the DJ talking over it.

5. “Stuck on You” by Lionel Richie

Oh, I know Lionel had other songs that were more popular. You know like, “Hello”, when he dated that blind girl that sculpted that weird-looking bust of him.

But this song was special because it was the song we were dancing to when a boy named Danny asked me to go with him. Of course, we were twelve so we never really went anywhere or did anything. However, just knowing that I could draw his name in a big, puffy heart on my bookcovers was enough.

6. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

I won’t even lie to y’all. To this day if this song comes on the radio I will turn it up and sing along complete with hand gestures.

You would think I’d be embarrassed to admit that. And I should be.

7. “Crazy for You” by Madonna

This was back in the good old days when Madonna wore lace hose, fingerless gloves and those huge bows in her hair. I can’t remember who I was crazy for when this song came out, but it might have just been Madonna.

Who knew she’d still be around at 75?

8. “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera

Karate Kid II, anyone?

This song played a crucial role in my own personal love triangle the summer before my sophomore year in high school. Neither one of those boys ended up traveling to Japan to use their Ka-Rah-Tay skills to fight for my honor except for in my dreams.

And if memory serves, that love triangle ended the same way Kelly Taylor decided between Dylan and Brandon. I chose me.

Or maybe I just chose another boy. I can’t really remember.

9. “Tonight I Celebrate My Love” by Peabo Bryson

This will always remind me of Bo and Hope on “Days of Our Lives”. Now that is true love.

I mean their love has survived eight fake deaths, three remarriages, several brain-washings and multiple misunderstandings caused by Stefano DiMera.

If that isn’t love worth celebrating, then I don’t know what is.

10. “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins

This totally summed up how I felt when my crush of over two years had to move away. I was devastated. I related so much to the movie “White Nights” and this song, except that we weren’t apart due to the Cold War and my need to be a ballet dancer.

We were apart because his dad got a new job in another city.

But still, the similarities were uncanny.

I realize I have left out many, many quality songs. It is hard to narrow down the quality music from the 80’s and I already feel bad that “Heaven” by Bryan Adams didn’t make my list. Not to mention “Babe” by Styx and “Is This Love?” by Whitesnake.

However, I tried to limit it to songs that meant something to me. Songs that reflect a time in my life when real love wasn’t measured by superficial things, but by the proximity of your locker to the one you loved and whether or not he had a driver’s license.

So, what about y’all? What are the songs that made you want to couple skate every time you heard them?

I got to see Leeland in concert back in November. He is incredibly talented and has such a heart for God that shines through in his music. I just loved him.

Anyway, for the next 24 hours starting at midnight tonight until 11:59 p.m. tomorrow, y’all have the chance to order his new CD “Opposite Way” for just $7.00 plus free shipping.

DO NOT MISS OUT.

Go here right now and order it. Do it. Do it now.

Why are you still reading?

Go. HERE.

Well, you might want to wait until midnight. But then you should go.

GRAMMY-nominated, 5-piece rock band Leeland, from Baytown, Texas, goes the “opposite way”on February 26, 2008, with its second in-studio release, Opposite Way. Produced by Matt Bronleewe (Jars of Clay) and engineered by Ben Grosse (Ben Folds, Red Hot Chili Peppers), Opposite Way is passionate and progressive music that provides an unforgettable, emotional experience for all who listen.

What is wrong with this picture?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong.

Some moron checked the wrong box on the order form and instead of two boxes of Thin Mints ended up with two boxes of Tagalongs.

That moron is me.

I’m sure in time I’ll forgive myself, but for now I’ll just go drown my sorrows in some Do-si-dos.

And perhaps figure out where I can purchase some Thin Mints.

This morning I was engaged in my typical Saturday morning of intellectual pursuits such as watching old episodes of Beverly Hills 90210.

I was doubly blessed this morning because not only did I get to see the episode where the entire gang from West Beverly High marches while demanding “Donna Martin graduates, Donna Martin graduates…” (I believe you know the rest), but I was able to hear Jim Walsh say, “Dylan just called on his CELLULAR PHONE and he’s on his way over. It must be nice to be young and have money to burn.”

Oh 1993. What an innocent time.

**Edited to add that P just walked in from work a little while ago and his CELLULAR phone fell in a bucket of water and is understandably now toast.

See? That’s a whole issue that no one had to worry about in 1993.

No way those big phones would have fit in a bucket.