Just for fun

I wasn’t sure if I was going to do Boomama’s Christmas Tour of Homes because I knew it would mean I’d have to clean the kitchen which, thanks to all the Gingerbread House construction and sugar cookie decorating, has flour and festive sprinkles in places that will never be clean again.

But, then I had an epiphany! I can use some pictures from last year because, due to lack of decorating creativity, my decor this year is virtually the same.

So, what I’m saying is lack of inspiration and laziness totally pays off.

That being said, I have included some original, never-before-seen photos of all the festiveness.

And y’all can totally tell which are which because last year’s photos are centered and this year’s are not, due to ongoing technical difficulties, otherwise known as my inability to write html code.

This is my front door complete with Christmas wreath. I bought this wreath last year because I adored its faux sugar cookies and glass candy canes.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. A few hundred yards of ribbon, some greenery, and fake pastries.

Here’s our Christmas tree. I think it has a drinking problem because it consumes a full bucket of water a day.

This is in stark contrast to last year’s tree which was, literally, dead in the water the day we brought it home. We were one spark away from making the 5 o’ clock news with the headline “Why Real Trees are EVIL and Will Ruin Christmas”.

These are our stockings hung by the chimney with care. I also display pictures of Caroline with Santa from previous years on the mantle.

There’s not much else to say about that. Oh, except I added clear, white lights to the garland this year in a fit of creativity.

Because I live on the edge.

It’s just a matter of time before I get my own show on HGTV.

The chandelier is the one thing I usually do different each year…but not this year. I had 842 yards of ribbon left over from last year, so I used it again this year. I did, however, switch out my glass urns. Last year they had M&M’s, this year they have Christmas ornaments.

Hello HGTV? Are you reading this?

Last year, M&M’S.

This year, ORNAMENTS.

That kind of innovative thinking takes some talent.

Next up is a sweet little nativity I bought for 75% off after Christmas last year. It’s not fancy, but it’s also not breakable which is a huge plus when you have a four year old that enjoys constantly hiding the baby Jesus and a couple of wisemen in the Christmas tree where they have a tendency to plummet to the ground.

And look how cute the cow is with the rooster on his back. I would have bought it for the cow alone.

Although, if memory serves, the angels didn’t say, “And lo, you will find the babe lying in a manger next to a cow with a rooster on his back”.

Last, but not least, this is the kitchen. What y’all can’t see is the thin coating of red and green holiday sugars that cover the floors. I’m hoping to have them clean by 2009.

But, then again, why put that kind of pressure on myself?

After all, it’s Christmas.

Hope y’alls is merry.

I mentioned last week that we went to Wassail Fest with some friends on Thursday night. And for those of y’all that asked, wassail is a type of hot, spiced tea drink that may or may not have alcohol in it depending on whether you’re drinking the version served by First Baptist Church or the Harley-Davidson store.

There is really nothing as festive as drinking hot holiday beverages while enjoying 80 degree temperatures at 7:30 p.m. in the evening. It’s like something out of a Christmas storybook, especially the perspiration.

As we were eating dinner before Wassail Fest, we got on the subject of movies. It’s important to know that our friends are anywhere from seven to twelve years younger than us. Because we are old.

So, the conversation turned into a discussion of what age we were allowed to see PG, PG-13 and R movies. And I basically announced that P and I start our day with Metamucil and Ben-Gay by declaring that there was no such thing as PG-13 when we were growing up. Because we are old.

And the moving pictures were a new phenomenon when we were in high school. Like the horseless carriage.

I recalled that one of the first R rated movies I ever saw was “The Breakfast Club”, not that my parents were aware of that fact until just this moment. Then I questioned if “The Breakfast Club” was even rated R. P confirmed that it was because it showed the characters “smoking dope”.

Thanks for that retro-phrasing, Grandpa.

We all agreed that these days a movie probably wouldn’t get an R rating just for showing mild drug use. P said that it was just a big deal back in the 80’s because “someone” in the Reagan administration started the whole “Just Say No” campaign.

I told him that the “someone” he was referring to was Nancy Reagan.

He said, “Are you sure?”

Before I tell y’all what my reply was, let me say that I feel certain there have been very few times in ten years of marriage that I’ve made P feel like he might be sorry I’m his wife. Except for maybe the time I threw the phone. Oh, and when I attempted to help him back up his truck to a trailer about a week ago, which almost resulted in his untimely demise.

And also, about five minutes ago when I accidentally sneezed all over his arm.

I said, “Yes, I’m sure. Don’t you remember when Nancy Reagan guest-starred on a very special episode of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ where Willis had a friend that smoked the dope and, at a pivotal moment in the show, Arnold asked Nancy Reagan ‘Whatchyoo talkin’ ’bout Mrs. Reagan?'”

That’s when the whole table looked at me like I was, at that moment, lighting up some dope to smoke. And also, that I should perhaps hurry home to wait for my Social Security check.

There is really nothing that says intellectual conversation and also, I AM A RELIC FROM THE 70’s like citing an episode of Diff’rent Strokes.

Even if it was a very special episode.

And so, speaking of movies and quality television, the writers’ strike is seriously impeding my television watching style. All of my shows are now on indefinite hiatus.

Well, except for “Project Runway”. Oh, and “Battle of the Choirs” which starts next week. Because I do love some reality television. Almost as much as I love Gary Coleman.

I’m thinking this might be a good time to catch up on all the movies I’ve missed over the last four and a half years. It’s hard to justify going to the movies on a regular basis when, between the cost of the movie and the babysitter, you’re out $156.00 before you even buy the Milk Duds. And if it ends up being a bad movie? Well then you just want to burn the theater to the ground.

Or maybe that’s just me.

So, how about it? What movies should I run down to Hollywood Video and rent to get us through these trying television times?

Keep in mind that I am someone who can still quote “Diff’rent Strokes” episodes from almost thirty years ago, so, clearly, I have very sophisticated, intellectual tastes.

So, here are our songs on iTunes. We created our own iMixes.

Because we are technologically savvy.

And y’all might notice that for some reason “Merry Christmas from the Family” by Robert Earl Keen was omitted from my list.

I think it may be a conspiracy created by some big Eastern syndicate that doesn’t appreciate references to cans of fake snow and trips to the QuikMart.

This weekend in the midst of our shopping extravaganza, Gulley and I found ourselves in the Nordstroms shoe department and so we had a moment of silence for the greatness that was around us.

Oh I kid. Gulley and I never have moments of silence.

Nordstroms was playing Christmas music over the sound system (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and “River” by Sarah McLachlan was on. I found myself singing along in a very soft, dignified manner and told Gulley that Sarah McLachlan’s “Wintersong” CD has become one of my Christmas favorites.

She said she preferred her Christmas music a little more upbeat and I told her she was crazy. Next thing you know we’re throwing shoes at each other in the Nordstroms shoe department and people are gathering around because you know, CATFIGHT.

Anyway, this led to a lengthy discussion about various Christmas music. At some point in the conversation we decided it would be fun if we both came up with our favorite Christmas song selections and put them on Big Mama.

It’s like a 2007 version of the MIX tape.

Except now the kids are using iTunes.

Here is our disclaimer, before I get a bunch of comments whining about the lack of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” or Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” or Alvin and The Chipmunks “Christmas Don’t Be Late”, we purposely tried to avoid all the blatant Christmas classics. So while there will be some familiar songs, we tried to choose non-traditional adaptations and lyrical stylings.

Obviously I have serious music skills because I just used the term “lyrical stylings”, which may or may not be a term anyone in the music industry would ever use.

And y’all will notice that Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison made both of our lists because GREATNESS.

Anyway, without further ado and ramblings, I present:

GULLEY AND BIG MAMA’S FIRST (and possibly last) ANNUAL LIST O’ CHRISTMAS FAVORITES

Big Mama’s Christmas

1. Go Tell it on the Mountain – James Taylor
2. Christmas Time is Here – Shawn Colvin
3. Love Has Come – Amy Grant
4. Breath of Heaven – Amy Grant
5. The First Noel – Josh Groban and Faith Hill
6. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Michael Buble
7. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Diana Krall
8. Song for a Winter’s Night – Sarah McLachlan
9. O Holy Night – Mandisa
10. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day – Jars of Clay
11. River – Sarah McLachlan
12. Love Came Down at Christmas – Shawn Colvin
13. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison
14. The Night Before Christmas – Carly Simon
15. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – John (Cougar) Mellencamp (Don’t act like you don’t remember the Cougar)
16. Merry Christmas from the Family – Robert Earl Keen

Gulley’s Christmas

1. Santa Baby – Kelly Willis
2. Frosty the Snowman – Harry Connick Jr.
3. All I want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
4. What Christmas Means to Me – Stevie Wonder
5. Linus and Lucy – Vince Guaraldi
6. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley
7. Joy to the World – Mariah Carey
8. Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Harry Connick Jr.
9. Christmas Waltz – Bruce Robison
10. Run Run Rudolph – Chuck Berry
11. Jesus,Oh What a Wonderful Child – Mariah Carey
12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas- Kelly Willis

The best part is (I know, pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming) that I have turned our lists into iMixes on iTunes so as soon as the whole Apple Corporation gets on the ball, y’all can go straight to iTunes and download any or all of these songs.

And then come back and tell me whose list is better.

Oh I kid again.

Because I know my list is the best.

And if there are any great songs we’ve left out, leave them in the comments.

Unless they are sung by Kenny Chesney.

I’ll keep y’all posted and as soon as our lists show up on iTunes, I’ll put up the link.

Because the Christmas season is upon us, I feel it is my duty to share an often neglected aspect of the Christmas story.

Not many people realize that after Mary gave birth in the stable, she and the three wisemen headed to the local Bethlehem carnival for a ferris wheel ride.

And brought the baby Jesus with them.

And also, apparently, a parrot.