Just for fun

  • Chevy is still king of the road

    The other day I found myself sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. I was the only person in the waiting room except for a middle aged woman, without a tooth in her head, sitting on her electric cart. She had no problem with the fact that she was parked right in front of the door to the office, thereby blocking all entrance and exit routes.

    I sat there for about ten minutes, watching various people come into the office and figure out how to manuever around the cart lady, while she pretended to be completely oblivious to everyone around her.

    A few minutes later, a couple walked in wearing matching black and red Chevrolet jackets. The matching jackets, while classy, weren’t the most notable thing about them. The thing I noticed, as they sat down across from me, is that while they both had facial hair, the female member of the relationship had a mustache that was much thicker and robust than the male member of the relationship.

    Now, I’m not judging. I, too, have my own personal ongoing battle with facial hair because it is the curse of my Italian heritage, which is why I invest in some quality hair removing products and would be willing to forgo Caroline’s college education to pay for some laser hair removal treatments. All I’m saying is this lady would be well served to spend less on the Chevrolet jacket and more on a tube of Surgi-cream hair remover.

    Anyway, I guess while I was staring at her mustache, her boyfriend must have thought I was wanting to engage in some conversation. He looked at me and discreetly motioned toward the electric cart with his head and said in a voice that could have been heard throughout the building, “The problem with them carts is people try to drive ’em on the road like they’re REAL CARS”.

    Well, thank you for that insight, sir. Yes, that would be a problem if I had ever actually seen anyone driving an electric cart down the road in the major metropolitan area in which we live.

    I didn’t say that, however, because I felt like since he was wearing an official Chevrolet jacket and all, he might have more on the road experience than me. He might have daily encounters with all of those electric cart drivers that are apparently polluting the highway. So, I just nodded and smiled as if to say “Yes, thank you for speaking out against this roadway travesty” as I climbed over the front of the lady’s electric cart on my way in to see the doctor.

  • Other than raindrops on roses, here are a few of my favorite things

    All day long, I’ve thought about what I could post that would perfectly capture the essence of Valentines Day. I could talk about P and the fact that for years he had no idea that Valentines was a real date on the calendar, and thought it was just the second Tuesday in February.
    Have I ever mentioned that he was a real ladies’ man before he met me? Let’s just say that I carved that diamond out of some rough terrain.

    I could talk about Caroline and the fact that I spent all weekend making Valentines cards for her to take to school. I had these grand visions that it would be a fun mother/daughter project but I forgot two important factors.

    1. I have OCD. I admit it. I claim it. I own it. Let me tell y’all that OCD and a 3 year old with a huge bottle of glitter is just a recipe for a nervous breakdown that could require vast amounts of medication.

    2. Caroline has the attention span of a scared housecat. Once she realized I wasn’t going to let her dump an entire bottle of glitter on my kitchen floor, she was pretty much over the entire Valentine making process. She preferred to just sit and tell me how to do it like I was her own personal craft servant. Think Martha Stewart and those poor saps she gets on her show so that she can show her superiority at making tissue paper flowers.

    However, since we were halfway done with our cards, I had to press on because I couldn’t give half the class homemade Valentines and the other half of the class Dora the Explorer store bought cards. If any of her classmates end up in therapy it will be their parents’ fault, not because Caroline didn’t make them a special, handmade Valentine when they were three.

    Neurotic is the word y’all are looking for.

    Anyway, this afternoon I went to our nearest Hallmark store to buy cards for P and Caroline. It was so crowded that I just knew they must be giving away free chocolate, but they weren’t. No free chocolate; just cards and balloons and stuffed animals that were available for overpriced purchase.

    Somewhere I guarantee that Mr. Hallmark is counting his money and thanking God that the American public completely bought in to this marketing celebration o’ love. I honestly almost bought a cute Valentine gift bag today because it was only $1.99 instead of $3.99 with the purchase of a $10.00 Loveable, Huggable animal. Doesn’t it totally make sense to spend that $10.00 to get $2.00 off?

    Yes, I thought so.

    So, in celebration of Valentines Day, here are some things that I love, not in order of importance or priority.

    1. Sour Patch Kids. They are the perfect mix of sour and sweet and I still eat them even though my orthodontist, Dr. Kevorkian, would have a fit if he knew. I am a total orthodontia rebel.

    2. Cold, rainy days when we have nowhere to be but home and can stay in our pajamas all day.

    3. The sound of P’s truck pulling into the driveway because I know he’s home. And for me, home isn’t quite as nice without him here.

    4. Diet Coke with Lime because before the Coke people got together with the Lime people, I couldn’t stand the taste of Diet Coke. Now, I can drink three Cokes a day with no guilt.

    5. My friends. They are funny, they are supportive, they are the best and if need be will pick me up in their Trailblazer.

    6. Reruns of Friends because they always make me laugh and different episodes always remind me of things that were going on in my life when they originally aired. Specifically, I have many memories of standing in front of a mirror trying to get my hair to look just like Rachel’s because good hair is the key to a better life.

    7. Quality movies that make me laugh and cry like Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby.

    8. Chocolate in just about any form but specifically, Ghiradelli Double Chocolate Brownies. A pan of them will help solve just about any crisis. Two pans? Could bring peace to the Middle East.

    9. The way Caroline looks when she’s sleeping with her little hand tucked under her chin. It’s like I’m seeing an angel straight from heaven. To quote Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona, “I just love that baby.

    10. Watching P and Caroline together because it makes me love both of them that much more.

    Happy Valentines Day. I hope y’all are spending it enjoying the things that you love.

  • Photographic evidence of all the non-excitement

    Let me preface this by letting y’all know that I have nothing of interest to say. Nothing at all. Well, except that Caroline told me today that I am no fun. Gulley and I have always said that being accused of being no fun is the thing that gets us the most, because while we have been accused of being many things, not being fun had never been one of them until we had children.

    I guess we better get used to it. If Caroline thinks I’m no fun when she’s three, just imagine what a buzzkill I’ll be once she hits puberty.

    Anyway, I uploaded some pictures from my camera today and just thought I’d share what I found.

    What on earth is that? Well, I wondered the same thing until I realized that this is a picture of bullets that have been used to kill animals. P has actually taken the time to not only measure them, but to get photographic evidence of the measuring process. Once again, I’ll tell y’all sorry, but he is taken.

    This is a picture of an angel that I bought at 50% at an after Christmas sale. I had my eye on her before Christmas and at 50% I couldn’t pass her up. It was truly meant to be because the store was only taking cash and checks during the sale. Now, I never carry cash because I can’t account for it’s whereabouts. Someone must steal it out of my wallet, because there is no way that I can possibly spend money that quickly. Anyway, I had one check left in my checkbook and I happily used it to pay for this angel.

    These are roses that came from our yard. I can take no credit for them because I have a strict no yardwork policy. P takes good care of our antique rose bushes and as a bonus, brings in fresh cut flowers for the house. It more than makes up for the pictures of bullets that have been in dead animals.

    This picture didn’t actually come from my camera. My brother-in-law took it at a birthday party for my nephew. I just think it’s cute and it perfectly sums up her love for all things icing related.

    And last but not least, Caroline has started calling me Pizza Guy today. So, between that and the advice that Boomama gave me this week after I wrote this post, I just wanted to give y’all the heads up that I may change the name of this blog to:

    Pizza Guy

    Serving as a precautionary orthodontia horror tale for preteen girls

  • Look away, I’m hideous

    This morning I had to return to the real world and get back to work at the “bank”. Of course, in all honesty, the bank can be a pretty cushy job at times, so my morning actually consisted of eating breakfast at one of my favorite breakfast restaurants with my co-worker Dee, while we strategized about the new year.

    Dee’s daughter is the one who had the misfortune of babysitting Caroline the other night. Y’all can read about it here if you missed it. Anyway, Dee and I were catching up on what we did while on vacation and other miscellaneous things, when she says, “You know I’m so glad that K. babysat the other night because we’re going to the orthodontist this week and since she saw you she can’t quit talking about how horrible it would be to be an adult with braces. She just keeps telling me how terrible you look and can’t believe you had to get braces when you were old, so I’m hoping it will make her realize that she needs to do what the orthodontist tells her to do”.

    How many insults are in that statement?

    It was just the pick me up I needed to kick my New Year’s into gear.

    Really, like a ray of sunshine.

    In Dee’s defense, she had no clue what was coming out of her mouth and meant no harm. She falls into that category of people that talk so much that they’re bound to say something dumb on a fairly regular basis, so I honestly didn’t take it personally. In fact, I’ve been laughing about it all day.

    How nice to be able to serve as a cautionary orthodontia horror tale for pre-teen girls.

    And speaking of pre-teen girls, as I was leaving the restaurant I noticed a group of about five cute high school age girls eating a late breakfast on the patio of the restaurant. About that time a Suburban drove slowly through the parking lot and a woman rolled down her window and said “Hi Jessica!” to one of the girls and drove off.

    The girls all looked at each other and I overheard one say “Omigosh, was that your MOM?” and the other girl shook her head in disbelief as she reluctantly said, “Yes”. One of the girls said “Oh my mom is always doing stuff like that and I just want to DIE”. As I walked to my car they all continued to commiserate about how “like totally embarrassing” that was and “why would she do that?”

    Because like saying hi to your daughter is so wrong and can totally destroy their whole social image…much like adult orthodontia.

  • Just so you know

    For the people who stumbled upon this blog while doing google searches for “Big Mama wearing miniskirt” and “hydrogenated oils”, I think you’ll understand that due to the hydrogenated oil, there is no photo of Big Mama wearing a miniskirt.

    Thank you for your time. You’re always welcome here.

  • A veritable Christmas potpourri of thoughts

    A few notes of interest (and I use the term interest lightly).

    1. I mentioned back in the summer that Gulley and I found out that Emily Robison is a member of our neighborhood pool. Sadly, she left on tour with the Dixie Chicks before we were able to strike up a lifelong friendship and become galpals. But, good news! She is back in town and our friend Julie has spotted her two days in a row. In case any of y’all are interested, she was shopping at Michael’s and bought a basketful of white and silver ornaments.

    2. P came home from the ranch today with nothing short of a pure chigger infestation. It really looks lovely. I spent a better part of the afternoon painting him with fingernail polish while Caroline “helped”. Does fingernail polish really even work for chiggers? I guess we’ll know tomorrow.

    3. I think I’ve made the momentous decision to let Caroline get a pet fish from Santa. She has been asking for one for awhile. I feel fairly sure that the fish won’t make it to see the New Year, especially since she asked if Santa could also bring a net, but at .99 cents it’s worth a try.

    4. I had an appointment with Dr. Evil today, also known as my orthodontist. One of the best parts of these visits is his assistant who watches what he’s doing the whole time and makes helpful comments like, “Oh! That’s going to really hurt!”. She also asks me everytime if I’d like my wires in bright holiday colors. Oh yes, please and then we’ll wire my jaw shut so no one will see them.

    He put a new steel wire on my bottom teeth and told me to wear rubber bands in the shape of a triangle because who really needs to eat during Christmas?

    Best of all, the rubber bands give the whole look that extra something special.

    5. Yesterday afternoon a man knocked on my front door. I didn’t open the door and just looked through our little window in the door to find out what he wanted. He explained that he was a painter and asked if he could drop his business card in our mailbox. He said that he was driving by and noticed our garage “looks terrible”. Thank you, thank you very much. Merry Christmas to you.

    6. Caroline woke up this morning and broke all the rules for Santa’s upcoming visit. She pouted, she cried, she whined. Apparently the whole universe is conspiring against her this morning because we are out of pop-tarts and hot dogs. I don’t know who this is hardest on, but I feel like it’s me.

    7. Bops came by yesterday evening wearing a very festive t-shirt with a huge, cartoonish depiction of Rudolph on the front from a 10k run that he participated in back in 1992. So, yes I come by my tendency to hold on to clothing very honestly. But, like he said, it looks brand new because he only wears it during the Christmas season. That’s right, Bops has seasonal apparel.

    I am so sorry that I didn’t take a picture of it because words can’t do it justice. I love that he would wear a shirt like that just to make Caroline happy which has to be the reason he had it on…it definitely wasn’t because it’s stylish.

    8. Last, but not least, we exchanged Christmas presents with Gulley’s kids today. On the way there, Caroline asked “Where’s Gulley’s present?” and I told her we don’t get Gulley a present. She said “Oh poor Gulley, we should get her a lobster”.

    Because yes, that’s the gift on everyone’s list this year.

    Here she is in her fancy new dress and shoes that Gulley bought. It’s only a matter of time before this ensemble makes an appearance at the neighborhood HEB.