Just for fun

  • Next up by Mattel…the Barbie free clinic

    Now that my shopping is all done, I can tell y’all what Caroline is getting for Christmas. I debated for a long time over what Santa should bring on Christmas Eve. One of the reasons for this is that Caroline has asked for everything from a big, blue grownup car to a copy of herself. That’s right, she asked me for a copy of herself.

    Self esteem is not an issue for my girl.

    Anyway, I had originally thought that I would get her some type of Leapster/V-smile educational computer type toy. Then, when I was out shopping I discovered Star Station which is basically a karaoke machine that also allows your child to see themselves on television while singing and dancing.

    I decided the heck with education, let’s give her the gift that will keep on giving and teach her skills that will really be useful for the future, singing and dancing in front of a television audience.

    And technically, it is a way to give her a copy of herself, which is what she asked for.

    As I was making my way down the various toy aisles in search of gifts, I spent a lot of time on the Barbie aisle. Caroline had told Santa that she wanted a Barbie, so I looked at all the different choices and decided on the one I thought she would like the best, which also happened to be the one that came with the least amount of small accessories ( my gift to myself). While on the Barbie aisle, I couldn’t help but notice that Barbie now has a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    A Hot Tub Party Bus.

    What decade is this? Isn’t the Hot Tub Party Bus a remnant from the 70’s that shouldn’t exist anymore much like hairy men in white suits with gold chains?

    Do I really want my little girl to grow up thinking that someday a good source of entertainment will be to ride around in a party bus with a hot tub filled with co-eds and bacteria? It’s like a big petri dish on wheels. Growing up, I was always told that nothing good happens after midnight and I’m almost certain that no good can come from traveling in a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    I think we’ll stick to Barbie’s Pretty Pony Horse Stable or even the Barbie Winnebago. I’m thinking I’d much rather have Caroline dream of the day she can drive cross-country in her own R.V. than a Hot Tub Party Bus.

    Oh, Barbie….I am so ashamed.

  • Walmart…rolling back prices and driving folks out of their minds

    A friend of mine sent this to me and it cracked me up. While this may or may not have actually been Uncle Glen, it definitely shows that a little time in Walmart is enough to make anyone not right in the head.

    Husbands and Wal-Mart

    Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go
    with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.

    He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

    Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton——

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
    commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
    both of you from our stores.

    We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

    All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
    carts when they weren’t looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    restrooms.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
    Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s
    on layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
    shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding
    department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
    cry and asks, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
    the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
    “Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look”
    using different size funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
    through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
    assumes the fetal position and screams “NO ! NO! It’s those voices
    again!!!!”

    And last, but not least …..

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

    Regards,

    Walmart

    Have a nice Sunday!

  • Wasting away again in margaritaville with Paula Deen, poopy pants and sugar cookies

    Tuesday night I went out with my girlfriends for what we call Birthday Club. We always go to the same Mexican restaurant, drink margaritas and laugh until we cry. We all brought a bottle of wine to exchange, which I have to say was a great idea. I find this time of year you can’t have enough wine in the house or maybe it’s just because I have a three year old.

    Anyway, last night we had a discussion about bad Christmas presents we have received in years past. Gulley won hands down with the jar of mayonnaise that she got from her mother-in-law one year. Expired mayonnaise. Seriously. A jar of expired mayonnaise.

    Nothing says welcome to our family like expired dairy products.

    Of course in all fairness, that was also the year her mother-in-law bought her own son a Polo shirt from the Ralph Lauren outlet and the sleeves were too short. When he told his mom the sleeves weren’t long enough, her response was that he should just keep his hands down by his side because then they might work.

    I can’t make this stuff up.

    We also covered a variety of other topics, including the Paula Deen episode where Paula is making iced gingerbread men cookies. Have y’all seen it?

    Paula is decorating these gingerbread men and decides to decorate one like her husband Michael. She says, “Y’all I’m going to make this one real hairy like Michael and he’s going to be wearing white shorts because Michael loves to wear his white shorts. He’s so sweet I’m just going to bite his head off” and then she cackles that cackle that only Paula can do.

    P walked in last year while I was watching it (because yes, I’ve watched it more than once…it’s oddly compelling) and said, “She is a nut.” And yes, she is. But she’s a rich nut that cooks great food.

    Then yesterday morning, Caroline and I went to run errands. We had an important list of things to do such as buy stamps so that I can mail Christmas cards that don’t even exist at this point. I’m not sure how I dropped the ball on this (really I blame the bank for making me travel the first week of December), but I realized late last week that I had neglected to order cards. When I finally started the process, I had two separate online stationery companies tell me they could guarantee delivery for December 28th, which would be okay if we celebrated Kwanzaa. Anyway, the third try was a charm and I should have some Christmas cards to mail out sometime before the new year. At least my stamps are ready to go. That’s what’s really important.

    We also had to run in Whole Earth to search for something containing acidophilous. To put it mildly and to help y’all keep your breakfast down, let’s just say that Caroline has had some intestinal distress over the last week. The pediatrician recommended sprinkling acidophilous powder on her food to help regulate her digestive system. And for the record, being regular isn’t necessarily the problem. But anyway, here’s hoping it works. I’ve actually thrown away four pairs of underwear in the last week.

    It was really the only option.

    In the afternoon, we went over to play with Gulley and her boys. I am beyond happy to report that the sugar cookie baking has officially started. Her countertop was covered in snowmen, christmas trees, and candy canes all just waiting to be glazed and sugared. The first bite of sugar cookie will be one of the highlights of my year.

    And I guess this is what motherhood does to you…in one post I went from drinking margaritas with my girlfriends to throwing away soiled underwear and eating sugar cookies.

    But not at the same time.

  • Not so fresh

    I am currently at a rare loss of words for no reason at all, other than the fact that I’ve had to take 168 tests for work over the last 72 hours. I could write about what I’ve been studying, but honestly, I am trying to entertain, not send y’all into a fetal position while you beg me to make the boring stop.

    So, first let me say that I love the comments y’all leave because where else could I discover that my love of Church’s Fried Chicken and Long John’s Silvers are shared by so many. I didn’t even mention the malt vinegar sauce in my post for fear of being ostracized, but y’all were so open that I can’t help but admit that yes, it is all about the crispies drowned in the malt vinegar sauce.

    And now, I’ll leave you with this.

    The other night, P was scrolling through all of our recorded programs on the DVR when he noticed that there were more than a few episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air recorded.

    He asked me, “Have you been recording the Fresh Prince?”

    I explained that I’ve been recording episodes of Designing Women on Nick at Nite, but because the timer is off, I miss the last few minutes of each episode. So, I have to record Fresh Prince to catch the end of Designing Women.

    P said, “Well thank God, I thought you had undergone a lobotomy and were actually making an effort to watch repeat episodes of Fresh Prince.”

  • It’s like a Whitman sampler, but with thoughts

    I’m sure some of y’all came to Big Mama yesterday expecting to read about Emmitt and his glorious victory over the cheesiness that is Mario Lopez, and instead you got a story about rats. And for that, I’m truly sorry.

    I was just giving the Mario fans a chance to get over the loss, because I know about the heartbreak of coming so close and then losing, because I am a Texas A&M football fan. Maybe we need Cheryl Burke to coach the Aggies…she couldn’t do any worse than Coach Fran.

    And if you don’t know anything about college football and don’t watch Dancing with the Stars, you are completely lost at this point.

    So, now I’ll give you my thoughts on Emmitt, along with some other miscellaneous things that are currently on my mind.

    1. Emmitt brought it to the dance floor, y’all. It was Hammer Time and that my friends, is how you do old school. Do NOT break out in some tired break dance moves that you learned off some VHS tape back in 1986 called “So You Want to be a Break Dancer”. I know the judges loved Mario’s dance, but to me it just reeked of the cheese of cheesiness that has been his trademark all season.

    Tuesday nights will be a little less bright now that Emmitt will no longer be sambaing and mamboing his way into my heart with that twinkle in his eye.

    2. I’m a little sad about the fact that either I wasn’t invited to Tom and Katie’s big wedding this weekend or my invitation got lost in the mail. Of course, I’ll console myself with the fact that Oprah wasn’t invited either and he jumped on her couch over this whole relationship.

    3. Speaking of celebrity pairings, how about K-Fed and Britney getting divorced? If those two crazy kids can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

    4. Caroline was up 4 times last night because she couldn’t sleep for a myriad of reasons such as her mouth hurt, her foot hurt, she was hungry and my personal favorite “I’m just not TI-RED.” She also told me at one point “waiting for morning is killing me”, and she in turn was killing her mama.

    5. We went to the zoo a few days ago and I took this picture.

    I think that leopard is either looking for a playmate or lunch, I can’t decide which one.

    6. Gulley and I have a friend named Stephanie and she bought her little boy a nativity scene the other day so that he could learn the Christmas story. She told him the story and pointed out all the different figures in the nativity and then quizzed him. He named Joseph, Baby Jesus, the Shepherds, the Angel and then she picked up Mary and asked “Who is this?” and he said, “Oh Mama, that’s Gulley”.

    Who knew?

    Gulley said that she takes it as a sign that she might need a haircut and to start dressing a little better.

    And on that note, I’ll wish you a Happy Friday!

  • Consider yourself enlightened

    I found the following top 10 list in an article online from Marie Claire magazine. It’s a list of the top 10 things a woman should have or do by age 40. What does it say about me that I’m 35 and I don’t even know what 90% of the things on this list are? Here is the list so that y’all can see how you measure up. I’ve provided my own insight in italics for your reading pleasure.

    1) A DEAD-SERIOUS PIECE OF TIMELESS CLOTHING MC recommends: The YSL tux for women. yes, at $3560, it costs the equivalent of 350 pairs of leggings, but it will outlive them by several decades.

    (Um, yeah do you get some kind of European vacation with that suit? The reason it’s timeless is that every time you see it in your closet you’ll think “What kind of fool am I that I paid $3500 for an article of clothing?”)

    2) A LOOK You’re not Madonna; enough already with the bimonthly reinventions. Are you a Dietrich throwback? A reconstructed punk? Figure it out and shop accordingly.

    (My look can range from bag lady to somewhat pulled together mama depending on the day. I’m not sure if you can call “anything from Old Navy” a look, but if so, that would be mine)

    3) A PIECE OF ART Yes, the birch trees in that framed Ansel Adams poster are v. v. haunting, but consider an investment piece with which to start an actual art collection. Living artists cost less; how about a Cecily Brown print or a limited-edition Tom Sachs multiple?

    (First of all, who? And second of all, why did I have a child if not to provide me with plenty of artwork and photos for my entire house?)

    4) A FIRST EDITION . . . of To The Lighthouse, the ur-Woolf.

    (What? Where am I?)

    5) FANCY LUGGAGE (A MATCHED SET, PLEASE) No more schlepping through airports with midcentury Samsonite. MC recommends: Gucci’s new Guccissima line, which makes the goofball trolley look like a major style statement ($3350).

    (Once again, does the price of the luggage include the European vacation? Do you really want to spend that kind of money for something that will only be used as a punching bag and possible spit depository for underpaid, angry baggage handlers?)

    6) ENLIGHTENED Go see the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India.

    (Sweet. I wonder how enlightened the Dalai Lama would think I am when I show up with my $3500 Gucci luggage wearing my $3500 YSL tux?)

    7) A FINANCIAL ADVISOR No, the hedge-fund dude one stool over doesn’t count.

    (I’ve mentioned before that I just recently discovered what a hedge fund is and I’m betting if I had a financial advisor he would advise me not to spend outrageous amounts of money on luggage or clothes. Maybe I’ll do something kicky and fun like save for college tuition.)

    8) A MUSEUM MEMBERSHIP Whether it’s the Met, the Getty, or the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia, it’s time to earn some culture cred. take your place on the gala circuit—perfect for that YSL tux.

    (Instead of the museum membership, can I earn “culture cred” by knowing every word to all The Wiggles songs? How about the theme to Little Einsteins? I mean they play classical music and everything. As for the gala circuit, how about 142 birthday parties for people under 5?)

    9) A MAMMOGRAM ’Nuff said.

    (Seriously, this is the only sane thing on this list. No joke, y’all should go get a mammogram.)

    10) A GOOD CAUSE Stop considering yourself your own favorite charity. Amnesty International? Oxfam? Amfar? Then get your new financial advisor to determine what chunk of every paycheck you can commit.

    (I wonder if a good cause like buying diapers or peanut butter count? How about a pack of Nestle Ultimate chocolate chip cookie dough? It’s one of the best causes I know. Help stop PMS by eating this whole pack of cookie dough.)

    I hope this list has given y’all some inspiration. It’s a lot to accomplish before I turn 40, so I may start my own list and include such things as getting 8 hours of sleep just one night between now and my 40th birthday or making it through the day without getting some stain of foreign origin on my clothes, but then again that may be as ambitious as visiting the Dalai Lama and toting my pricey luggage up that mountain.