Other

I’m sitting here in the quiet house while Caroline is at soccer practice and P is at the ranch. I have so many thoughts going on in my head and I’m going to do my best to get them all out and not edit and second guess myself to death.

(Not that anyone would ever accuse me of editing myself, but sometimes the more serious the thoughts, the more I over explain.)

For the last several weeks everyone in my life has been asking me if I’m excited about my second book coming out. And I am. Let me say that before I say anything else. Writing books is a dream that was so deep inside me for so long that I don’t know if I can even articulate what it means to see it come true.

But I think being on the verge of having your second book release must feel a little bit like having your second child. You’re not as naive. You know all the work that goes into it and that you’re going to have some sleepless nights worrying about things beyond your control. You’re trying to navigate that line between hoping people will buy your book and not being an annoying self-promoter. You know now that people can be mean and leave reviews that will leave a mark even though you try to pretend you’re totally cool with it even though they just called your baby an ugly troll. Or maybe they just said you’re a bad writer. Whatever. Same difference.

And maybe that’s why I’ve just felt overwhelmed for the last month or so. There were a few days in early January when I thought to myself, “Well, I have officially begun my descent into full-blown agoraphobia” because I didn’t really want to leave my house and I certainly didn’t want to think about speaking events I’d already committed to do or whether or not I’d commit to more. Because here’s the secret that I’ll share, I feel so inadequate. Off the top of my head I can think of at least 4,052 people who are better than me.

That’s what kept running through my mind. I can’t do this. I can’t balance my time between work and family. I have no wisdom to share. I’m not enough. I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough and, doggone it, I don’t even know if people like me. Stuart Smalley was a dadgum liar.

But then about a week ago I was driving to meet some friends for lunch and secretly maybe wishing I’d get the flu so I would have an excuse to continue to be a social recluse (I’m envisioning all of you now second-guessing your assumptions that we’d be friends in real life because now you’re overcome with the realization that I’m so weird and introverted) when the song Oceans came on.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

As I listened, really listened, to the words I felt God say to me, “You feel like this is too much because you’re trying to figure out how to do it on your own power and none of this is about you.” It took everything in me not to just pull the car over and cry because that’s exactly it. I’m trying to be graceful and compassionate and kind and wise and discerning and loving but I’m putting myself in charge of the production of all those attributes. And then my selfishness and pride and insecurity all rise to the top instead and I freak out because I know how lacking I am in basically every category and then I just want to sit on my couch and watch old episodes of Friday Night Lights because that feels safe.

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Because here’s the thing, it’s easier to sit on your couch than to risk failing. It’s easier to sit on your couch than to be out in the world where you’re vulnerable and open to being hurt or disappointed. But you know what happens while you sit on your couch playing Candy Crush and watching Tami Taylor? Life. Beautiful, gorgeous, fragile, heartbreaking, mind-blowing, life. God has a script written for each and every one of us, no matter who we are or what we’ve done or how much we feel completely ill-equipped for the adventure.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

We are all climbing our versions of Mount Everest and have no idea if our oxygen will last or if an avalanche will come, but God does. And we can never underestimate the grace and the strength he will give us for whatever challenges we face. He has called us to things higher and deeper than anything we could ever hope to achieve on our own.

It’s too much. It’s too much for us to do in our strength because we will mess it up but he knows that and uses us anyway. Because it’s never about creating or doing or being something that’s perfect. It’s not about having all the right answers. It’s about being his. It’s knowing that he who has called us is faithful.

Since early January I’ve had Colossians 1:17 written on the chalkboard in our kitchen. “He is before all things and in him all things hold together.” It’s weird how that never once suggests that I’m the one who’s supposed to hold everything together. He’s holding it all. He is before it all. He uses the sinners and the weak and the things that this world views as broken and hopeless. But in him all those things come together, do things we never dreamed were possible, and make something beautiful where we once looked and saw nothing.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I’m sitting here by the fire and I really need to go to bed, but I’m so warm here under my blanket and bed requires that I get up and move. I’m sure I’ll regret not following through on my original plan to go to bed super early when the alarm goes off tomorrow morning. And when I say I alarm, I mean when P wakes me up because the only time he ever sleeps until the alarm goes off is when he’s sick.

But while I’m being too lazy to get up and go to bed, I’ll share just a few things.

1. Please keep the South in your prayers. I know for a fact that Sophie and her family are all stuck at school and work right now along with hundreds of others who didn’t get home before the bad weather hit.

On the upside, I have faith that she’ll eventually write a hilarious blog post about it once she quits rocking back and forth.

Also, I have been slightly intrigued by the whole situation because one of my favorite episodes of Little House on the Prairie was the one where Miss Beatle sends the schoolchildren home early and they get caught in a blizzard and everyone has to take refuge in the school house. Of course things like this happened back then because the Weather Channel didn’t exist. Or television. But what happened today, meteorologists of the world?

2. Every week Caroline takes a math quiz and then has to bring it home for me to sign it. It’s rare that she doesn’t make a good grade on something and I honestly don’t get on her about grades because I don’t think the grade is as important as that she just performs to the best of her ability.

Which is why I was so tickled by the note she wrote on the quiz she brought home recently.

Perfect.

Now her math teacher thinks I’m Joan Crawford.

Also, I’m much more concerned about her spelling “does” as “dose” than I am about the math quiz because, well, it’s math. Those of us who live in glass houses and can’t add without a calculator can’t throw stones.

3. In case you’re interested, I wrote a post on Pioneer Woman’s blog about my thoughts on Downton Abbey this season. You can read it here.

4. I loved this post from Shaun Groves about What Good Dads Do. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s something I am passionate about. You will never regret sponsoring a child through Compassion International. It’s such a simple way to make a huge difference in a life.

5. Dave Barnes has a new album out called Golden Days. I am more than a little in love with the song “Good” already and I know it won’t be long before I know all the words to every song. Dave writes some great lyrics. You can find Golden Days on iTunes here.

Okay, the fire is dying down and I’m starting to feel the draft that blows in through our mail slot. And so I’m heading for my down comforter and hopefully some sleep.

Allegedly there’s a chance that we may wake up to more ice in the morning, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Don’t ask me why I’m so sure because I have no idea. It’s just a feeling. And, honestly, unless we get something that you can actually build a snowman with, I’m over the wintry precipitation.

So yesterday was an eventful day.

I woke up tired because I’ve realized that I sleep terrible on Sunday nights. I’ve always thought it’s because I stay up too late and sleep too late on the weekends and get off my normal schedule since that’s what all the magazine articles claim, but I mentioned that theory to Gulley this afternoon and she told me she heard it’s because Sunday night is when your brain is thinking about the week ahead. I’ve decided I like that reason better because I don’t want to stay on my schedule on the weekends.

Anyway, P took Caroline to school and I settled in on the couch to answer some emails and work on a few other writing things that I’ve been putting off in my quest to hone my procrastination tendencies. Then I eventually got up and dressed to go meet my friend Amy for lunch. And I was super excited because she brought along her friend Sally who happens to be the author of The Jesus Storybook Bible along with some other children’s books that I totally and completely adore.

We spent about two hours talking about writing and books and life. Sally has the best British accent and, in short, I’m hoping she won’t think it’s weird when I email her later and ask if she’s interested in adopting me and maybe reading me excerpts from her books every night before I go to bed.

But while we were in the middle of lunch I received a distressing text from P. It read “Caroline’s ants are out. Just nuked half of them.”

Well. That’s not good.

I called him as soon as lunch was over and asked, “What do you mean the ants are out? How did that happen? Did you squash them?”

He replied, “I’m not sure how they got out but it looks like the lid wasn’t on good and some of them got out. I sprayed them with Windex.”

The good news (if this can be considered good news) is that only some of them escaped and it would appear that P and his Windex came to the rescue at just the right time. It was bound to happen. I mean they’d already let me know they felt they were living a lie.

Plus, I didn’t mention this last week because I thought maybe it was my imagination, but I think they changed “LIE” to “LIB” which I felt might be a political declaration and, if that’s the case, it’s no wonder they felt the need to move on from our conservative household especially now that they might be in need of Obamacare after the Windex incident.

Needless to say, we didn’t mention the ant mutiny to Caroline when she got home from school. I’m not too worried that she’ll notice half her ants are missing when you consider that her hermit crabs escaped in our backyard and it took her two months to even notice they were gone.

It also helped that she was preoccupied with a dead rat that P had just discovered in a trap he set under our house. Which means I may soon be making an exodus along with the ants.

Here’s hoping P doesn’t spray me with Windex.
___________________________________________

There is a group of bloggers traveling in Uganda with Compassion International this week. You can follow all their blog posts right here. I especially loved this post by my friend Emily Freeman. It’s such a profound reminder that looks can be deceiving.

For those of you who don’t live in the South Texas area and may not be aware, Caroline’s dreams came true. Iceapocalypse 2014 happened and left us covered in amount of ice that was basically undetectable to the human eye. However, it was enough that school was cancelled on Friday. And for those of you worried about how we survived, I want you to know that Texans are strong and we will rebuild.

The only real tragedy in the whole thing is that my hair appointment had to be rescheduled and so I’m going to apologize in advance in the event you see me in the next four days. My grays are at an all-time high. Fortunately I found the fortitude to brave the ice to make it to my eyebrow appointment at 12:30 on Friday afternoon because there are some things that are just that important.

It should be telling of the big ice event that I didn’t even take one picture to document it. Mainly because it would be a picture of nothing. Unless you maybe wanted to see our barbecue grill that had some ice on it or Caroline standing in a yard full of green grass wearing her winter coat. She did manage to find a few icicles that have now taken up residence in our freezer for the indefinite future.

And the weird thing is that the weather people are saying it could all happen again this week especially considering that I sat outside with bare feet earlier today and read in a book in the 75 degree sunshine. I’ll believe it when I see it.

On Friday night my friend Jamie and her oldest son Hudson were in town for a soccer tournament and Gulley and I took the kids to meet them for dinner. We see Jamie (I also call her Evelyn which is a long story that basically involves the years she lived nearby when we were first married and we’d trade magazines all the time and said we were like two little old ladies named Evelyn.) a couple of times a year but our kids hadn’t seen each other since they were all a lot younger. Which explains why Caroline leaned over to me at the restaurant and said, “I think Howard wants to go outside, too.” Howard. Or Hudson. Whatever.

We had the best time laughing and catching up on life and then decided to have Hudson take a picture of the three of us as we left the restaurant.

And by the time Gulley and I got back to my house, we had this text from Jamie.

Here’s the picture he took so you can fully appreciate the attention to photographic detail and composition that you get from an eleven year old boy.

The worst part is that Jamie actually is a photographer. But we decided to look on the bright side.

Because while we might be almost unrecognizable, you’ll notice that none of us have any wrinkles at all.

Saturday ended up being a lazy day because Caroline didn’t have basketball. We ran some errands, straightened up the house and now you’ve just died of boredom. I’m so sorry.

And now I’m off to watch T.V. because P has had control of the remote for the last hour and we’ve watched a show called The PigMan and a curling competition between the U.S. and Norway. Here’s what you need to know about curling, they take it VERY seriously and yell a lot of Norwegian things that might be cuss words. Also, one of them is wearing a white belt with his pants. And just like that, you’re totally prepared for the Winter Olympics. You’re welcome.

But now it’s time to turn on Downton Abbey. Or The Bachelor wedding. I’m leaning towards Downton Abbey because I feel like all those old bachelorettes are going to make me feel even worse about the current state of my hair.

It’s 9:15 p.m. on Thursday night as I write this and I have a child who went to bed desperately hoping she’ll wake up and see some sort of snow or ice or anything that will cause school to be cancelled. She even resorted to sleeping with her pajamas inside out and taping a sign to her chest that reads “Let It Snow”.

If it doesn’t snow, then it certainly won’t be due to her lack of effort.

As for me, I’m torn. On one hand, I hope there’s some sort of wintry precipitation for Caroline’s sake. But on the other hand, I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored at 9:00 a.m. and I am in desperate need. If I continue to try to pluck out all my grays at the rate I’ve been going, I’ll be bald by next Wednesday.

But I ran to Target yesterday to stock up on Iceapocalypse supplies.

A pair of fuzzy socks, mint M&M’s, and the second book in the Divergent series. I don’t know what else we could possibly need.

Here’s what I found this week in the way of fashion:

1. safari as I can see top

I really like this top and the elephants. I can totally picture this with white skinnies in the spring and summer.

2. gap fluid tank

This is the kind of tank I love to have in my closet because I can wear it under sweaters and jackets now and then by itself in the summer.

3. bow and arrow henley dress

Well I just love this.

4. gap three-quarter sleeve henley

These are sold out in a lot of sizes online, but I tried them on in my Gap store this week and loved them. I bought mine a size larger than I normally wear because it made it just a little bit longer.

5. reckless abandon embroidered tunic top

This is really cute and comes in a few different color combinations.

6. ruffled stripe henley

This is on sale at Anthropologie right now and comes in several different colors. I just happen to particularly love this gray.

7. riley camo jacket

I bought a camo jacket very similar to this from Old Navy years ago and I wear it all the time. It’s so versatile and more fun that just a normal olive green one. And it’s on sale.

8. nesting doll flannel loungers

Because this weather makes me wish I had more pairs of flannel pajama pants.

9. hooded chevron sweater

Love this to wear with jeans and boots.

10. print tunic dress

This is kind of like the other dress up above, but a less expensive version. I love both of them and think they’d look so great paired with leggings and boots.

That’s it for today.

Hope you have a great Friday and stay warm.

Well to quote the legendary group 5th Dimension, last night I didn’t get to sleep at all.

I laid awake and my mind raced with a million thoughts. And it’s understandable. I’m two weeks out from the release of The Antelope in the Living Room and I remember feeling similarly overwhelmed and anxious last year at this time. It’s a lot of pressure to have a book going out into the world and preparing for all the good and bad things that go along with that.

So that was at least part of the reason I watched the clock turn 1:30 a.m. and then 2:30 a.m. and then 3:30 a.m., but the other part was a far more serious and weighty matter.

I’d made the monumental decision over the weekend that I was going to buy a new blender this week.

Yes. This is what my life has become. I was so excited about going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy a new blender that I couldn’t sleep for thinking of all the ways it was going to make my life richer.

Somewhere deep inside me is the remnant of a teenage girl from 1987 that is weeping over the loss of a future she envisioned to be filled with all the glitz and glamour that comes with being married to George Michael from Wham!

(Let’s count all the things that were ill-conceived about that dream.)

Anyway, let’s discuss the blender because that’s what it has come to.

Some of you may remember a time about two years ago when I was on a huge smoothie kick. I was making smoothies every single morning. Delicious, healthy smoothies filled with spinach and fruit and Greek yogurt which is like regular yogurt except it’s flashier and uses Windex to cure everything.

It was while I was in the throes of my smoothie obsession that I realized our blender was circling the drain, as well it should be because I actually owned it pre-marriage and that means it’s upwards of twenty years old. So I decided to ask for thoughts on good blender options and you all shared your opinions on the best blenders out there. But then, as I am wont to do with almost everything in my life, I flat burned myself out on smoothies. And I don’t mean I just didn’t want them for a month or so. When I burn out on something I go down in flames. I read one time that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. That’s how I felt about smoothies. Don’t even talk to me about them. They are dead to me and I don’t care a thing about them anymore with all their spinach and berries and other healthy ingredients.

So I no longer felt the need for a new blender because I didn’t really have a reason for one. I mean, sure, there was a dark day this summer when I thought it might be fun to make a pitcher of frozen margaritas only to realize I had no tool with which to crush ice, but then I remembered a little concept called “on the rocks” and it was all okay.

But it was sometime last week that I decided we needed to eat healthier. And the truth is that there is no better, more efficient way to cram a bunch of fruits and vegetables into your daily diet than to just blend it all together and drink it with a straw. In my opinion that is far preferable to trying to choke down some steamed broccoli. I don’t want to sound like an elitist foodie snob, but I really only crave broccoli that’s drowned within an inch of its life in cream of mushroom soup and Cheez Whiz.

I decided that the only way to get back on the smoothie train with the fervor and excitement needed to make it last was to purchase a new blender. And I already knew I was going to get a Ninja blender from Bed, Bath and Beyond and use my 20% off coupon.

(Seriously what has happened? Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good friend.)

That’s why I couldn’t sleep last night. I was excited about buying a blender and laid awake thinking of all the things I could blend.

I had a speaking thing early yesterday afternoon so I spent the morning getting ready and ran out of time before I picked Caroline up from school. So I convinced her that it would be fun to go with me to Bed, Bath and Beyond and, in the interest of full disclosure, there may have also been bribery in the form of Starbucks.

We walked into the store and made our way to the blender section. I immediately saw the Ninja that my heart desired, but it was the slightly more expensive version than what I’d originally intended to buy. But then I realized it was more expensive becomes it comes with not one, but TWO, plastic cups with lids that allow you to make a single serving of a smoothie, pop a lid on it and take it to go. I am a sucker for a to-go cup. Can you even imagine how much less I would have slept last night had I known all the good I was about to experience with my new blender purchase?

After a quick stop at Starbuck to buy the drink of compliance, Caroline and I went to HEB to buy all the healthy spinach and berries and assorted fruits we’d need to make smoothies. I also bought some flax seed because if I’m starting on a healthy eating kick then I’m going to go big or go home. I am going to BURN that healthy eating into the ground until the sight of a flax seed makes me want to cry and I quit smoothies again for two years.

(Side note about flaxseed. I noticed that the package of flaxseed stated that it was “Flushed with an inert gas and airtight sealed for freshness”. Dear Healthy Foods, quit being so self-important. Flushed with an inert gas. Seriously?)

As we drove home I admitted to Caroline, “I was so excited about buying this blender that I didn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking about it. Isn’t that weird?” And she replied, “Yeah. I didn’t sleep last night either because I was thinking about a puma fighting a shark and wondering who would win.”

You have to admit that is such a better reason for insomnia than a new blender.